Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Street? Well here is a complete list of Street dad jokes:
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this
That was a trip down memory lane
I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
In a bucket
The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it will calm me down."
The second, a mutt, says, "That's kind of why I'm here, too. Six litters of puppies up and down the street that all look like me. My owners are tired of the angry calls. So my junk gets snipped too."
The third dog is a Great Dane. "My master is a pretty young thing. Yesterday after her shower, she bent over to dry her legs and I just couldn't help myself. Mounted up that fine ass and went to town."
The other two stare at him in disbelief. "They're going to cut off your balls for *that*?"
"What? No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed."
So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".
And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."
She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."
...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.
After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.
He decided that he was definitely not drunk enough for this so he continued climbing.
Soon after he saw another woman lying on the cloud, this time slightly thinner and with average looks.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.
Noticing the pattern, Harry climbs further and sees an attractive woman with a good figure.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.
Getting excited, he continued climbing.
On the next cloud was the most stunning woman he had ever seen - perfect body, slim curves, full set of gorgeous breasts - the lot.
"Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success," she breathed seductively.
Despite the beauty of this woman, Harry's greed got the better of him and he continues climbing.
"The next one will have to be Aphrodite or the like," he thinks to himself.
Suddenly a latch locks behind Harry and he is trapped inside a dark room.
An enormous 6 ft 5, 120kg biker-looking bloke with a full set of tattoos and a great bushy beard stands up and starts walking towards him menacingly.
"Who the fuck are you?!" Harry asks.
The man grins and replies "I'm Cess."
When he meets a friend going the other way.
'What are you doing with that penguin?' his friend says.
'Well I just found it outside my house, I don't know what to do with it!'
'Why don't you take it to the zoo?' she says.
'Brilliant! I hadn't thought of that.' And they go their separate ways.
The next day the man is walking along the same street with the penguin under his arm again, and he sees his friend coming the other way.
'I thought you were going to take it to the zoo?' she asks.
'I did' replies the man. 'It loved it. We're going to the cinema this afternoon!'
An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you *$1,000* to bite your boobs" "I said no!" she replies and walks away. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you **$10,000** to bite your boobs. The lady thinks about it for a bit and decides that $10,000 dollars is a lot of money so she might as well do it. So she flips up her shirt and removes her bra. The old man begins touching and feeling and squishing the boobs in his hands. After a while the lady says: "Well are you gonna bite them?" The old man replies: "Nah, too expensive."
This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck'em dry."
Before Marty and Sam die they decide to go out for old times sake and just get properly gone showed at the bar. About 8 or 9 pints in Marty gets an idea. "Hey Sam, what do you say we get laid one more time before we clock out." Excited and drunk out of their minds they decide to go to the local whore house down the street. They lady at the counter realizes how drunk they are and decides if she puts them in a couple rooms with a blow up doll they won't know the difference. They get to their rooms go in and about 15 minutes later they come out. Sam looks at Marty and says "man if I didn't know any better I'd say my girl was dead cause she was cold and didn't move once. Marty says "Sam your lucky cause I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. I was nibbling on her neck and she farted and flew out the window."
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
I said "That's the last thing I need"
And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough."
From Les Dawson.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a man do some juggling on the street. The juggler notices that the men can't see very well, and stands on some boxes.
"Can you all see me now?" He calls
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.
The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.
The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think?
The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.
On a thursday afternoon, a homeless man walks down a street and sees a "pianist wanted" sign in the window of a bar. The man goes into the bar, sits at the piano and begins to play. The owner of the bar hears the man play and is completely blown away.
"That song is amazing, what do you call it?" the owner asks.
"Tits and ass," the homeless man says and starts to play another song. The owner, again amazed, asks the name of the new song.
"Fucking her slowly," the man answers.
"Alright," the owner says. "How about you come back tomorrow night and play here and I'll pay you, but whatever you do, do not say the names of your songs."
The next night, the homeless man is at the bar playing his first song and all the patrons love it. At the end of the song, the man stands up to take a bow and his dick is hanging out of his pants.
"Hey," says a parton. "Do you know your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" The homeless man exclaims. "I wrote it!"
This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy."
The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens."
The old man says "You can't catch no chickens with no chicken wire."
Later on the kid comes back dragging about a dozen chickens by the chicken wire. The old man looks at him and says "I'll be damned."
The next day the boy is walking down the street with a roll of duct tape. The old man says "Say boy, where you goin' with that roll of duct tape?"
The boy says "I'm going to get some ducks."
The man says "You can't catch no ducks with no duct tape."
Later on the kid comes walking down the road with about a dozen ducks stuck to the tape."
The old man is astonished.
The next day the boy comes walking down the road, with a basket of pussy willows.
The old man sees him and says "You wait right there boy, Imma go get my hat."
..so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "sure", boy the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...
I was driving down the street, when I was cut off by someone. I honked frantically, applied the brakes masterfully and dodged a sure accident. At the next set of lights, I pulled up beside the perpetrators and it was a car with 4 black men in it. I gave them the finger, and they became hostile towards me. They called me a "fucking cracker" and "a stupid white boy" I told them to "learn how to drive" and " pay some fucking attention". They scoffed at me, and began to drive ahead, only to be Tboned by an on coming fire truck. Amongst our argument, the driver must not have heard the siren. I reflected on my behaviour and thought "shit, that coulda been me". So the next day I went out and became a fire fighter.
I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"
Classic Denzel.
Oscar
im so sorry
...and one says to the other, as they turn down a side street
"I've never come this way before!"
And the other replies
"yes! It's the cobblestones!"
**Naked Cowboy**
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'
And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:
"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"
A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.
As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"
The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."
The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"
A man just moved to a new town from far away, and one day decides to take a walk around to get to know the area.
While walking down the street and checking out all the stores along the way, he notices one that seemed unusual. The sign above read "Jerry's Double Flavored Apples." Curious, the man walks inside to check it out.
He walks up to the storekeeper behind the counter and he begins to ask him about his product.
"I've never heard of double flavored apples, how can there be such a thing?" he asks.
The storekeeper replies, "They are exactly as advertised, good sir. My specialty! Think of any combination of flavors, and we have an apple for it!"
Still skeptical, the man asks for a sample. "I must try one before I can believe you" he says.
The storekeeper is happy to oblige, and hands him a carefully selected apple from behind the counter. The man takes a bite.
"Peaches!" he exclaims. "I definitely didn't expect that."
The storekeeper then smiles and says "That's only the half of it. Now flip it over and take another bite."
So the man flips it over and takes another bite, and his eyes widen. "Tastes like cream! Peaches and cream! This is brilliant! Are you telling me that every apple in this store is flavored like this?"
The storekeeper is now very pleased. He hands the man another apple and tells him to take another bite.
"Strawberries!" The man is now speechless.
The storekeeper says "Now flip it over."
"Chocolate! Chocolate covered strawberries! This is the most amazing thing ever!"
The storekeeper says "We have all kinds of flavors here. Anything you want, we've got it!"
Still baffled and a little unsure, the man asks "Any flavor I want? Are you certain about this?"
The storekeeper confidently replies "Yessir! Anything you can think of, we've got it!"
"Anything??"
"Yes! Just try me."
The man then thinks really hard for a moment, and comes up with something. He says "Well, there's one thing I haven't tasted in a very, very long time. I would really like to taste some good pussy again. If you can get me one that tastes like some really good pussy, I'll finally believe you."
The storekeeper is now delighted, and says "Ah, sir, you're in luck! I have just the thing for you! Wait here." Then, he goes into the back room. Minutes later, he comes out with a perfectly shaped, shiny red apple. "Here," he says excitedly, "try this!"
Equally delighted, the man takes the apple, and takes a large bite. He chews it slowly for a moment, but his face quickly turns sour and spits the apple out in disgust.
"Shit!! This apple tastes like total shit! What the hell is this you gave me??"
The storekeeper then says, "Ah, now flip it over..."
A man was walking down the street with two penguins following behind him. A police man sees this, thinks it's a bit strange, pulls over and says to the guy.
Cop 'hey, where did you get those two penguins from'?
Guy 'they aren't mine, they have just been following me all day'.
Cop 'those are exotic animals. Do me a favour take them both up to the zoo'.
The man agrees he will. The next day the cop is driving down the same street and he sees the same guy, still with two penguins following behind him. He pulls over again and says.
Cop 'hey! I thought I told you yesterday to take those two penguins to the zoo'!
Guy 'I did. I'm taking them to the cinema today'.
When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"
Just read this in an email, thought it worthy of sharing.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops
As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."
Verbatim from what my professor just showed in one of my engineering classes:
e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way. He starts to run away, and e^x asks "Why are you running away?" The constant answers, "That's a differential operator. If it acts on me, I'll disappear." e^x says "I'm e^x, I don't have anything to worry about," and keeps walking. When he reaches the differential operator, he says "Hi, I'm e^x."
The differential operator responds, "Hi, I'm d/dy."
So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
He asks her "would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"
The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"
The man asks "would you have sex with me for free?"
The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?
The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""
2 nuns are riding bicycles through the Vatican and they decide to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street. The first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before." The second nun replies to the first, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."
Sesame Street has an Oscar.
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him, the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by;He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says:
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the cross and said:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing!"
A few moments later another guy did exactly the same thing. The first guy said to him, "I just did that."
The second guy punched him in the face and called him a dirty bastard.
...and he passes a man with a head the size of a golf ball. Before he can stop himself he yells "sir!"
The man turns around, and the doctor says "I'm sorry to bother you, but as a physician, I've never seen a condition like yours. How do you have a head so small?"
The man says "Well, it's funny you ask. I was walking down the beach one day when a bottle happened to wash up on the shore. I picked it up and a genie came out in the form of a beautiful woman! She told me I could have anything in the world that I wanted. I told her that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and that my wish was that I could have sex with her. She said 'I'm sorry mortal, but that is one wish I can't grant you.'"
Confused, the Doctor asked "Well, what did you wish for?"
The man replied "I thought about it, then I said 'Well, if we can't have sex, how about a little head?"
The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."
There once was a florist with a fairly successful flower stand on the side of the road.
One day, three friars set up a competing flower stand across the street. Since everyone wanted to buy their flowers from the men of god, the florist began losing all his business to the friars. He tried everything from flashy advertising to lowering his prices to offering exotic flower types, but nothing worked and soon his business had run completely dry.
So one night, the florist hires a hitman named Hugh. Hugh goes across the street, smashes the friars' flowers and pots and breaks up their stand - proving once and for all that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,
"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
...and asked me if I wanted to enter a raffle for cancer?
I thought, "what a shit prize..."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
I just turned the other chin.
You've red some of the best street jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about street. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty street gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
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