I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this
That was a trip down memory lane
"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says,
"Are you gonna bite them or what?"
"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."
A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."
But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.
When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" the woman asked.
"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."
The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"
Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
Dancing, she replied.
The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
White people looking both ways before they start
She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.
Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.
The operator asks for his location.
Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street
So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"
Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!"
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."
The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."
Guess who got the front porch repainted.
I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.
They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other "hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?"
So I took it and turned it into wine.
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
In a bucket
The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it will calm me down."
The second, a mutt, says, "That's kind of why I'm here, too. Six litters of puppies up and down the street that all look like me. My owners are tired of the angry calls. So my junk gets snipped too."
The third dog is a Great Dane. "My master is a pretty young thing. Yesterday after her shower, she bent over to dry her legs and I just couldn't help myself. Mounted up that fine ass and went to town."
The other two stare at him in disbelief. "They're going to cut off your balls for *that*?"
"What? No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed."
A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"
He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".
So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".
The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"SΓ"
"Ja"
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...ο»Ώ
And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."
She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."
...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.
After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.
He decided that he was definitely not drunk enough for this so he continued climbing.
Soon after he saw another woman lying on the cloud, this time slightly thinner and with average looks.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.
Noticing the pattern, Harry climbs further and sees an attractive woman with a good figure.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.
Getting excited, he continued climbing.
On the next cloud was the most stunning woman he had ever seen - perfect body, slim curves, full set of gorgeous breasts - the lot.
"Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success," she breathed seductively.
Despite the beauty of this woman, Harry's greed got the better of him and he continues climbing.
"The next one will have to be Aphrodite or the like," he thinks to himself.
Suddenly a latch locks behind Harry and he is trapped inside a dark room.
An enormous 6 ft 5, 120kg biker-looking bloke with a full set of tattoos and a great bushy beard stands up and starts walking towards him menacingly.
"Who the fuck are you?!" Harry asks.
The man grins and replies "I'm Cess."
The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."
When he meets a friend going the other way.
'What are you doing with that penguin?' his friend says.
'Well I just found it outside my house, I don't know what to do with it!'
'Why don't you take it to the zoo?' she says.
'Brilliant! I hadn't thought of that.' And they go their separate ways.
The next day the man is walking along the same street with the penguin under his arm again, and he sees his friend coming the other way.
'I thought you were going to take it to the zoo?' she asks.
'I did' replies the man. 'It loved it. We're going to the cinema this afternoon!'
Two old men are out on the golf course one morning playing their usual round of golf when a funeral procession comes down the street next to the green on which they are putting. One of the old men notices the procession and immediately stops in the middle of his putt. He calmly steps away from his ball, removes his cap, and bows his head in silence as the procession passes by.
The other old man is amazed at his friend's reverence for the deceased. "That was truly one of the most touching and thoughtful acts I've ever seen from you." he says.
"Well I figure it's the least I could do. After all, we *were* married for 42 years"
Someone tells her:
"Excuse me, Ms. You shouldn't walk like this with your breast out"
She looks at him. Looks at her breast. Turns back and runs away yelling:
"Fuck! I left my baby in the bus!"
An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you *$1,000* to bite your boobs" "I said no!" she replies and walks away. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you **$10,000** to bite your boobs. The lady thinks about it for a bit and decides that $10,000 dollars is a lot of money so she might as well do it. So she flips up her shirt and removes her bra. The old man begins touching and feeling and squishing the boobs in his hands. After a while the lady says: "Well are you gonna bite them?" The old man replies: "Nah, too expensive."
...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck'em dry."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Before Marty and Sam die they decide to go out for old times sake and just get properly gone showed at the bar. About 8 or 9 pints in Marty gets an idea. "Hey Sam, what do you say we get laid one more time before we clock out." Excited and drunk out of their minds they decide to go to the local whore house down the street. They lady at the counter realizes how drunk they are and decides if she puts them in a couple rooms with a blow up doll they won't know the difference. They get to their rooms go in and about 15 minutes later they come out. Sam looks at Marty and says "man if I didn't know any better I'd say my girl was dead cause she was cold and didn't move once. Marty says "Sam your lucky cause I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. I was nibbling on her neck and she farted and flew out the window."
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
I said "That's the last thing I need"
She's single . . . She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door . . .
I rushed to open it.
She looked at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and have sex all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free . . . I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
Black guy one: "Do you think it will work?
Black guy two: "Only one way to find out."
BG1: "I only have $50"
BG2: "Well, I have $100, I'll go do it then give you my change
BG1: "Let's do it then"
BG2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.
BG1: "Holy shit it actually worked! Let me get that $25"
BG2: "Fuck you, nigger. Get a job."
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough."
From Les Dawson.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a man do some juggling on the street. The juggler notices that the men can't see very well, and stands on some boxes.
"Can you all see me now?" He calls
"Yes."
"Oui."
"SΓ."
"Ja."
Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."
The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down the street. The first officer stands waiting for half an hour...an hour...two hours...finally after almost three hours, the second policeman comes back still holding the penguin.
The officer who stayed is exasperated, "What took you so long and why do you still have the penguin? Was the zoo closed?"
"No," the second replied, "it was open. We had a very nice time. I'm think I'm going to take him to the movies now."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.
The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.
The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think?
The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.
I don't know how anyone could stoop so low.
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all eating on the patio of a restaurant. Across the street, they see two people walk into a building, and a few moments later three people walk out.
The biologist says, "Oh, they must have reproduced."
The physicist remarks, "There must have been some type of statistical error."
All are quiet for a long while before the mathematician says, "You know, if one more person walks into that building it will be empty."
The first worker turns to the second and says,
I don't want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early .
He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,
Im a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!
Sure enough, the manager tells him to go home.
The second worker, seeing the success his friend had, decided to start packing up his things.
The manager asks, What are you doing? The work isn't finished yet!
To which the second worker responds,
How am I supposed to see without a lightbulb?
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
On a thursday afternoon, a homeless man walks down a street and sees a "pianist wanted" sign in the window of a bar. The man goes into the bar, sits at the piano and begins to play. The owner of the bar hears the man play and is completely blown away.
"That song is amazing, what do you call it?" the owner asks.
"Tits and ass," the homeless man says and starts to play another song. The owner, again amazed, asks the name of the new song.
"Fucking her slowly," the man answers.
"Alright," the owner says. "How about you come back tomorrow night and play here and I'll pay you, but whatever you do, do not say the names of your songs."
The next night, the homeless man is at the bar playing his first song and all the patrons love it. At the end of the song, the man stands up to take a bow and his dick is hanging out of his pants.
"Hey," says a parton. "Do you know your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" The homeless man exclaims. "I wrote it!"
This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy."
The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens."
The old man says "You can't catch no chickens with no chicken wire."
Later on the kid comes back dragging about a dozen chickens by the chicken wire. The old man looks at him and says "I'll be damned."
The next day the boy is walking down the street with a roll of duct tape. The old man says "Say boy, where you goin' with that roll of duct tape?"
The boy says "I'm going to get some ducks."
The man says "You can't catch no ducks with no duct tape."
Later on the kid comes walking down the road with about a dozen ducks stuck to the tape."
The old man is astonished.
The next day the boy comes walking down the road, with a basket of pussy willows.
The old man sees him and says "You wait right there boy, Imma go get my hat."
..so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "sure", boy the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...
He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.
"He was just walking down the road," the man said.
"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ticket for speeding." The man agrees and drives away.
A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?"
"Yes," the man says, " I did. Today we're going to the movies."
A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point and says "D-damnit boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?" The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off.
Another man comes up and asks why the kid didn't answer and the boy says "And d-do w-w-what? Get the sh-shit k-kicked out of me?"
Two young married women were having a girls night out on the town. Walking home from the bar they both realized they needed to pee. They saw a cemetary across the street and decided to go behind the headstones. Having nothing to wipe with, the first girl takes off her panties, wipes, then tosses them. The second girl doesn't want to toss her expensive panties so she grabs a card out of some flowers and uses that. Giggling, they continue home.
The next morning the husband of the first girl calls the husband of the second and says "these girls nights out have to stop! My wife came home without her underwear last night!" The second husband says "you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card between her butcheeks that said We'll all miss you! Lots of love, the guys at firestation #19!"
I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine".
But then I realized mine is home, polishing my shoes.
There once was a boy named Nate. He lived across the street from a lever, that if it were to be pulled, the world would end.
One day, Nate was bored, so he decided to cross the street and check out this world-ending lever. However, on his way across the street, a truck came speeding down.
This truck driver had two options. Either hit Nate and kill him, or swerve, and hit the lever, ending the world. Not wanting to end the world, the truck driver hit Nate, killing him instantly.
Moral of the story: Better Nate than lever.
One day a man is walking down a London street when he comes across a penguin. Not sure what to do, he picks up the penguin and continues his journey. A police patrol spots the man,
"What are you doing with that penguin!?" the officer asks
"I don't know...I just found it standing in the middle of the road..." replies the man, still confused by the ordeal.
"Then take it to the zoo!" the officer exclaims
The next day the same officer spots the same man walking around with the same penguin!
"Oi, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
"I did" replied the man, "we thoroughly enjoyed it, now we're off to the movies!"
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and.......
The coffin stops
We kicked that guy's ass!
"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."
His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."
A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:
"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"
The mathematician responds:
"People's lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office."
The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a followup question just to make sure:
"You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?"
The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:
"I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a problem I've already solved."
I was driving down the street, when I was cut off by someone. I honked frantically, applied the brakes masterfully and dodged a sure accident. At the next set of lights, I pulled up beside the perpetrators and it was a car with 4 black men in it. I gave them the finger, and they became hostile towards me. They called me a "fucking cracker" and "a stupid white boy" I told them to "learn how to drive" and " pay some fucking attention". They scoffed at me, and began to drive ahead, only to be Tboned by an on coming fire truck. Amongst our argument, the driver must not have heard the siren. I reflected on my behaviour and thought "shit, that coulda been me". So the next day I went out and became a fire fighter.
I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"
Classic Denzel.
Oscar
im so sorry
"Oh my gosh, are you a pirate?"
"Aye, I be a pirate."
"Wow, cool! I see you have a peg leg. How did you come to need that?"
"It was during a mutiny. Me crew threw me overboard and a shark bit me leg off."
"Ouch. And your hook? How'd that happen?"
"During the mutiny, boy. My crew threw me overboard and the very same shark bit me hand off, too."
"Oh man. And your eye patch?"
"Bird poop."
"Bird poop?"
"Aye. A bird pooped in me eye, and it was the first day with me hook."
The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:
I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.
So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: Soo, did you like the concert?
Sorry for the terrible grammar :D
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
...and one says to the other, as they turn down a side street
"I've never come this way before!"
And the other replies
"yes! It's the cobblestones!"
After his last drink, he tries to stand up and falls. He starts crawling out of the bar.
He crawls out of the bar, he crawls in the street, trying to hold on to something, but each time he falls and he just keeps crawling home.
He crawls up his stairs, he crawls to his bedroom, and finally he crawls into his bed next to his wife.
The morning after, he wakes up to find his wife looking pissed off.
"Did you get wasted last night ? Again ?"
" No no no sweetie, what makes you say that ?"
" The bartender called, you forgot your f***ing weelchair there."
**Naked Cowboy**
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'
I wore the wrong sock this morning.
And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:
"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"
I said, "Your parents."
A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.
As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"
The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."
The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"
Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!
Sry for bad english
Two very elderly couples bump into each other in the street, Jack says " hi there George, how are you?" George says " Great! we've just been to that new memory clinic, they teach you how to remember things using word association, it's really good" Jack asks " really? what's the name of the clinic?" George thinks for a moment and then says " let me see, eh, what do you call that flower with a thorny stem?"
Jack says "A rose"?
"Ah yes that's it" George turns to his wife...."Rose, what's the name of that clinic"?
A man just moved to a new town from far away, and one day decides to take a walk around to get to know the area.
While walking down the street and checking out all the stores along the way, he notices one that seemed unusual. The sign above read "Jerry's Double Flavored Apples." Curious, the man walks inside to check it out.
He walks up to the storekeeper behind the counter and he begins to ask him about his product.
"I've never heard of double flavored apples, how can there be such a thing?" he asks.
The storekeeper replies, "They are exactly as advertised, good sir. My specialty! Think of any combination of flavors, and we have an apple for it!"
Still skeptical, the man asks for a sample. "I must try one before I can believe you" he says.
The storekeeper is happy to oblige, and hands him a carefully selected apple from behind the counter. The man takes a bite.
"Peaches!" he exclaims. "I definitely didn't expect that."
The storekeeper then smiles and says "That's only the half of it. Now flip it over and take another bite."
So the man flips it over and takes another bite, and his eyes widen. "Tastes like cream! Peaches and cream! This is brilliant! Are you telling me that every apple in this store is flavored like this?"
The storekeeper is now very pleased. He hands the man another apple and tells him to take another bite.
"Strawberries!" The man is now speechless.
The storekeeper says "Now flip it over."
"Chocolate! Chocolate covered strawberries! This is the most amazing thing ever!"
The storekeeper says "We have all kinds of flavors here. Anything you want, we've got it!"
Still baffled and a little unsure, the man asks "Any flavor I want? Are you certain about this?"
The storekeeper confidently replies "Yessir! Anything you can think of, we've got it!"
"Anything??"
"Yes! Just try me."
The man then thinks really hard for a moment, and comes up with something. He says "Well, there's one thing I haven't tasted in a very, very long time. I would really like to taste some good pussy again. If you can get me one that tastes like some really good pussy, I'll finally believe you."
The storekeeper is now delighted, and says "Ah, sir, you're in luck! I have just the thing for you! Wait here." Then, he goes into the back room. Minutes later, he comes out with a perfectly shaped, shiny red apple. "Here," he says excitedly, "try this!"
Equally delighted, the man takes the apple, and takes a large bite. He chews it slowly for a moment, but his face quickly turns sour and spits the apple out in disgust.
"Shit!! This apple tastes like total shit! What the hell is this you gave me??"
The storekeeper then says, "Ah, now flip it over..."
She asked him...
"Want to have a good time?"...
"Sure"... he says....
They head off to the nearest hotel...
She takes off her clothes...all the while he's staring at her.....
The hooker says...."is this the first time you've seen a pussy since you crawled out of one?"
"Nope..just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into!"
A man was walking down the street with two penguins following behind him. A police man sees this, thinks it's a bit strange, pulls over and says to the guy.
Cop 'hey, where did you get those two penguins from'?
Guy 'they aren't mine, they have just been following me all day'.
Cop 'those are exotic animals. Do me a favour take them both up to the zoo'.
The man agrees he will. The next day the cop is driving down the same street and he sees the same guy, still with two penguins following behind him. He pulls over again and says.
Cop 'hey! I thought I told you yesterday to take those two penguins to the zoo'!
Guy 'I did. I'm taking them to the cinema today'.
That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.
...One held a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people passed by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar holding the Cross.
The Pope came by and stopped to watch the number of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. The Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just to prove a point."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turning to the beggar with the Cross, said, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"
I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.
Just read this in an email, thought it worthy of sharing.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops
After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."
... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed
"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"
I turned to her and said
"Nah. I think 6's enough."
As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."
They arrested me.
Verbatim from what my professor just showed in one of my engineering classes:
e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way. He starts to run away, and e^x asks "Why are you running away?" The constant answers, "That's a differential operator. If it acts on me, I'll disappear." e^x says "I'm e^x, I don't have anything to worry about," and keeps walking. When he reaches the differential operator, he says "Hi, I'm e^x."
The differential operator responds, "Hi, I'm d/dy."
for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're shitting me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."
A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"
A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'
'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.
'Good grief,' he thought.
He went to the pub down the street, and after a beer he phoned in and was told a fourth one was on the way. He started to drown his sorrows. A few stiff whiskies later he called the hospital again, but was so drunk he dialled the wrong number - and got the recorded cricket score. Crying in agony, he collapsed on the floor, a poor, devastated, shuddering and weeping mess.
As the barman struggled to pick him up, he heard the voice from the phone say, 'The score is 88 all out. And the last one was a duck.'
The first one says to the second one: "You're fine, how am I?"
For keeping me off the street.
So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.
A young man who was walking down the street says "Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there". The old man looks at him and says "Well son, I am Jesus Christ". "Jesus Christ?", the young man replied skeptically. "Yes my son, follow me", the old man said as he walked into the bar.
As he enters, the bartender turns around and says "Jesus Christ! not you again!"
He asks her "would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"
The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"
The man asks "would you have sex with me for free?"
The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?
The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The blond repliesβ¦.. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.
The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
One says to the other "I've never come this way before."
The other smiles and says "neither have I. Must be the cobblestones."
2 nuns are riding bicycles through the Vatican and they decide to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street. The first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before." The second nun replies to the first, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."
After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""
One says "I've never come this way before."
The other replies "It must be the cobblestones."
The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully naked man. "Hi, I'm Sess."
Sesame Street has an Oscar.
An Arab and a Doctor are Building an identical house next to each other in the same street.
After their houses are build the Arab says to the doc. "Hey Doc. You know my house is worth more than yours"
The doctor says: "dude don't be silly, we have the identical house in the same street how could yours be more worth than mine?"
The Arab replies: "well my house is in a good neighborhood as it is next to the house of a doctor, yours is in a shitty neighborhood next to some dirty Arab guy"
A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime, sits down and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Oh my God, a talking duck! What are you doing here?"
The duck replies, "I'm dry-walling the building across the street. I'll be in town for a few days."
The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says,
"Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They're really interested in meeting with you!"
"Is that so?"
"There's a travelling circus in town," the bartender explained.
"The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you'd be a star attraction for them!"
The duck looked puzzled and says, "Why the hell would a circus need a dry-waller?"
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust the bartender says, "what, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.
"Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.
Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan espaΓ±ol?" Again, the cops merely shrug.
The foreigner continues with the same result with Dutch, Russian, and German. Eventually, he leaves, knowing that there's no hope for him to communicate with the officers.
"I keep telling you we should learn more languages!" says one cop to the other.
"Why?" he responds. "That man knows five, and it didn't get him anywhere."
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him, the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by;He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says:
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the cross and said:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing!"
Kim says to Chloe, "Wait, someone is coming over." Chloe surprised and asks, "How can you tell? Its so dark out here." Kim explains, "You know I have this gift of smelling dick from a far." Chloe laughs and says, "No silly, I just burped."
A few moments later another guy did exactly the same thing. The first guy said to him, "I just did that."
The second guy punched him in the face and called him a dirty bastard.
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Credit to /u/Bidonet
...and he passes a man with a head the size of a golf ball. Before he can stop himself he yells "sir!"
The man turns around, and the doctor says "I'm sorry to bother you, but as a physician, I've never seen a condition like yours. How do you have a head so small?"
The man says "Well, it's funny you ask. I was walking down the beach one day when a bottle happened to wash up on the shore. I picked it up and a genie came out in the form of a beautiful woman! She told me I could have anything in the world that I wanted. I told her that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and that my wish was that I could have sex with her. She said 'I'm sorry mortal, but that is one wish I can't grant you.'"
Confused, the Doctor asked "Well, what did you wish for?"
The man replied "I thought about it, then I said 'Well, if we can't have sex, how about a little head?"
The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."
...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars every day to try to ask, beg, and bribe the monks into shutting down their store. They were utterly unsuccessful. Finally, the shop owner went down to the local pub to enlist the help of Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, baddest drunkard in town. Hugh broke into the monks' flower shop in the middle of the night and absolutely trashed the place from top to bottom. He left with a note that said "leave now." Not surprisingly, the monks packed up the very next day and headed back to the monastery. The moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.
There once was a florist with a fairly successful flower stand on the side of the road.
One day, three friars set up a competing flower stand across the street. Since everyone wanted to buy their flowers from the men of god, the florist began losing all his business to the friars. He tried everything from flashy advertising to lowering his prices to offering exotic flower types, but nothing worked and soon his business had run completely dry.
So one night, the florist hires a hitman named Hugh. Hugh goes across the street, smashes the friars' flowers and pots and breaks up their stand - proving once and for all that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The street was littered with de brie
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $100".
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"
This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,
"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
...and asked me if I wanted to enter a raffle for cancer?
I thought, "what a shit prize..."
A woman walked into a bank in New York and asked for the loan officer. She said that she was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5000. The bank officer told her that he will need some kind of security for such loan. So the woman handed over the keys of a new Rolls Royce car that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything was checked and the bank agreed to accept the car as security for the loan. An employee rode the car into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the woman came back, repaid the $5000 with interest of $15. The loan officer came to her and said, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked very well. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzled us was why should you bother to borrow $5000?
The woman replied, Well, where else in Manhattan, can I park my car for two weeks for $15?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"SΓ."
"Ja."
Someome from the crowd shouts "Somebody call him an ambulance!"
Suddenly, another voice calls out "You're an ambulance!"
He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.
I just turned the other chin.
Two kids walk by an old man on his porch with some duct tape in their hands.
The old man says "what are you kids doing with the duct tape?"
The kids reply, "we are off to go catch some ducks". To which the old man replies "You will never catch any ducks with that!"
Sure enough the kids come back with several ducks.
The next day the kids come walking by the old mans house with some chicken wire.
The old man says "What are you kids doing with the chicken wire"
The Kids reply "we are off to go catch some chickens" to which the old man replies "You cant catch chickens with chicken wire".
Sure enough the kids come back with several chickens.
The next day the kids come walking down the street with some pussy willow.
The old man says "Let me go get my hat"
This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he's just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, Dude, this is a Halloween party! You're supposed to be wearing a costume?
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I'm a snail!
You're a snail?
Yeah, I'm a snail, says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, This is Michelle.
Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!
Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Talk about bad timing...
...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."
His neighbor is curious & asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?"
The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"
A man went to an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet. He suspected his wife was cheating on him and wanted to have her killed. He told the assassin he would pay $20,000 if he shot his wife in the head and shot the cheating man's dick off. They go to the building across the street from the man's house and the assassin gets prepped. Sure enough the cheating man and the wife meet and start getting undressed. The man tells the assassin to take the shot. The assassin tells him to wait. He waits but soon the cheating man and the wife start to go into the bedroom. The man tells him to take the shot. The assassin says wait a little bit longer, I think I might be able to save you $10,000.
....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
Boyfriend is driving down the street with his (blonde) girlfriend in the passenger seat. The boyfriend becomes concerned the turn signals are not working, so he asks his girlfriend to poke her head out the passenger side window to see if the right turn signal is functioning. She replies, "it's working, it's not working, it's working.."
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Street? Well, here are the best jokes about Street to have fun with.