Strategy Jokes

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars." 
"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

A clinic was trialling a new, cheap way to numb a patient for surgery.

The new method involved blunt force trauma to the patient's head.
The strategy was such a success that people would line up around the block to receive the new anaesthetic.
A man asked the doctor what the line was for.
The doctor replied "that's the punchline."

I shared a shuttle ride today with a linguist heading to Turkey to study Tuva t**... singers. (No joke!) I was reminded of this joke: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the expert in contextually-indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?

The other one.

Poker is like s**...

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner
Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)

I have new strategy for getting my wife to have s**... with me...

When we are in bed I just talk and talk until she has s**... with me just to shut me up. I call it filibusting a nut.

How To Impress Your Boss

1. Show up early.
2. Have all the tools you need.
3. Read the strategy guide.
4. Aim for the big glowing weak spot (usually the eyes).

I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for s**...

I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.

h**... is in his Bunker

One day, h**... is in his bunker planning his strategy for the next phase of the war when there is a knock at the door. He says "enter" and Goebbels walks in.
"What is it Goebbels? Can't you see I'm busy?!" asks h**..., clearly irritated.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Goebbels, "I have news. The Italians joined the war today."
"No problem," replies h**..., "send a division against them."
"Mein Fuhrer, they are on our side."
"Ah," says h**..., "then send two divisions."

I don't understand why people are so mad about football players taking a knee

Its a solid strategy for running out the clock in the 4th quarter.

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

Daring strategy

After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I'll pretend to be gay. I'm going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven't got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
I'll get their boyfriends!

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"

My wife said if women ruled the earth, there'd be no wars.

Yes, i replied. Wars require strategy and logic

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.
And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

As a defense attorney for ED malpractice suits, I had a terrific strategy. . .

but it didn't stand up in court.

Did you hear about the guy who was assaulted with electrical plugs?

His attackers used a two-prong strategy.

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.
The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
​

Strategy for arguing with your wife/girlfriend

When you are arguing with your wife or girlfriend, point your finger at the kitchen and strictly say "Go to your room!".

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

One day, my dad found me crying and he told me to "s**... it up."

I have to admit, it's a better strategy for dealing with split milk.

Is anyone else terrible at remembering names?

I tried a new strategy with a guy I met recently. I was told to repeat someones name 3 times during introduction. He introduced himself to me with Hi my names Jathon. I reply. Hey Jathon. That's a really interesting name. Jathon. Where did your parents come up with Jathon? He says No need to be thuch an ath hole