Strap Up Jokes
127 strap up jokes and hilarious strap up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about strap up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Strap Up Short Jokes
Short strap up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The strap up humour may include short buckle up jokes also.
- I went skydiving today. The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
- Why did the accordion player refuse to play at the nudist camp? They didn’t have any straps big enough to cover his… dignity.
- What do you call a financially strapped, wig wearing Czechoslovakian? A paycheck to paycheck toupee Czech.
- Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but... there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.
- Promised my wife a flashy car and she was so excited. You should have seen her face light up when she saw I'd strapped a strobe light to her Toyota.
- I rolled my first joint last night! Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(
- When I'm bored I love seeing how many different watches I can strap onto my wrists. I have too much time on my hands.
- I want a girlfriend who'd do me with a strap-on. She'd be the perfect person to fill a hole in my life.
- What does a man strapping down a load in his truck and this joke have in common? You look at it and say, That's not going anywhere.
- did you hear about the time they strapped a Timex watch on an old, flea-bitten dog to see what would happen? The watch kept ticking, the ticks kept watching.
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Strap Up One Liners
Which strap up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with strap up? I can suggest the ones about tied up and fasten.
- Strap-on backwards spells No-parts.
- When I get home im going to tear my wife's bra right off The straps are killing me
- What do you call a T-Rex with a bomb strapped to it's chest? Dinomite
- What do you call lesbian step-sisters with a strap-on? Pegasis
- What do French athletes wear? Jaques straps
- My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face. I wear contacts.
- A cheesemaker is hard-strapped for cash... He decided to get a Provolone.
- A man walks into a BAR and dies instantly from the bayonet strapped to the end of it.
- Why do women parachutists wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down.
- They say behind every happy man there is a woman True. Mine has a strap-on.
- What did I do when I had a bomb strapped to me chest? Iran
- How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Strap a steak to the ceiling
- How do you make a patty melt? Give Marcie a strap-on.
- I can't unhook my antistatic wrist-strap anymore It's leaving me totally grounded.
- Call me a public bus Cause I ain't got straps for no one
Strap Up Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about strap up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean strap jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make strap up pranks.
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?
Signs You're No Longer in College...
You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
Your potted plants stay alive.
You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
You attend parties that the police don't raid.
You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
You refer to college students as "those kids."
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
Naps are no longer weekday options.
Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.
You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"
Boy: "I saw a strap of your bra."
Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for the next 1 week. Another boy laughs..."
Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"
Boy: "I saw both straps of your bra."
Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for next 1 month."
The teacher bends to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out of the class.
Teacher: "Why are you going out?"
Johnny: "With what I saw I think my school days are over."
Q: What do the mosquito parents say to their small children, when they see people lying on the sandy beach during a hot summer day more than 15 minutes?
A: "Kids, prepare the cutlery and your chin-straps.
Our lunch is already heated up and ready for the consumption!"
I recently met the most desperate h**....
Infact so desperate that she's willing to be t**..., beaten and flogged by the customers to earn some extra money.
She was strapped for cash.
51 Danes and 50 Norwegians were on a plane...
With no floor, and the passengers were hanging on a strap attached to the roof. The captain yelled: "The plane is too heavy! One of you have to fall to your death!" A Dane raised his hand and said: "I'll do it". Then all the Norwegians clapped their hands.
The Bravest Football Fan
Three football fans, an Arsenal fan, a Chelsea fan, and a Manchester United fan, are caught gambling in a country in which gambling is i**.... They are brought before a judge and sentenced to be whipped 50 times each. Right before the judge releases the men, he tells them they each can have one request. When brought before the torturer, the Arsenal fan requests to have 3 pillows strapped to his back. After 15 hits, the pillows are completely gone, leaving the man with 35 more unprotected hits. The Chelsea fan requests to have 6 pillows strapped to his back. After 30 hits, the pillows are in shreds and he endures 20 more hits. The torturer takes a look at the Manchester United fan and says "You look like a brave man, I have decided to take mercy on you and give you an extra wish". Upon hearing this, the Manchester United fan smile and asks for four times as many hits. The torturer looks at him in awe and says "I was right, you are a brave man, now what is your second wish?". The Mabchester United fan smirks and says "I' like a Chelsea fan strapped to my back."
An old man has spent 30 years working for the railroad, punching tickets and being mean to everyone who crossed his path.
Finally it's discovered that he's responsible for a string of dozens of murders up and down the railroad line, at almost every stop, going back almost the whole 30 years of his career. He confesses to all of them and is quickly convicted and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day finally comes, they strap him into the chair and the guard throws the switch. Sparks fly and smoke curls upward from the straps and skullcap, but the old man is unhurt. The switch is thrown again and again, but always with the same result. Finally he is released from the chair, and the next day the governor commutes his sentence to life in prison.
When a reporter asks him about the incident and why he thought he survived, the man replies, "Well, I've always been a poor conductor."
A man is sentenced to 15 years in prison, but escapes after only 3 days
He's taken in front of a judge, who orders the prisoner to explain his actions. The prisoner says "Well your honor, the first day, they gave me a comb, then s**... off all my hair. The second day, they gave me a tooth brush, then pulled out all my teeth. The third day, they gave me a jock strap, I went over the wall". "Case dismissed" declares the judge
So this entrepreneur is setting up a bungee jumping tower in Mexico.
And of course all the construction and publicity has garnered a crowd. Well the entrepreneur, seeing an opportunity to wow the crowd, volunteers to be the first person to jump. So he is strapped in and over the edge he goes, and the crowd goes wild. But when his crew goes to retrieve him after his jump, he is all beaten and bloodied. They ask if he hit the ground or something. He says "Well... we should probably shorten the rope a little more... also, what does 'piñata' mean?
One hundred year old man propositions a p**......
A 100 year old man propositions a p**... on the street. She is doubtful he can even get it up but she takes him to a motel room, undresses and hops in bed.
The old man shuffles to the foot of the bed and pulls out a cotton ball and a c**.... He tears the cotton ball into four equal pieces, methodically putting one piece in each nostril, and one piece in each ear.
Before he puts the last piece of cotton in his ear, the p**..., asks him, Honey, why did you put that cotton in your nose and ears?
The old man put the last bit of cotton in his ear and started strapping on the c**... and then replied to her question, There are few things I can't abide, one is the smell of burning rubber, and the other is the sound of a screaming woman!
comment: this may be a common joke. I don't tell them much or collect them. It's 20 years old at least. Heard it when I was 17.
A police officer pulled over an Amish couple in a buggy
"Sir, I'm going to need you to remove the strap from around that horse's t**.... That's just inhumane."
"WHAT'S HE SAYIN'?", the old man asked his wife.
"I think there might be something wrong with the emergency brake."
Liquor store r**... reported
A man called police on Tuesday regarding his wife being locked inside of his local liquor store. He had apparently been waiting in the car whilst his spouse went in for drinks. 39 minutes passed without her return. Suspicious, he went to the doors to find them locked. Panic set in and he called the local authorities. Upon arrival they opened the doors to a vacant business. Inspecting the location they entered the storage room to find his wife strapped to the storage shelf n**.... The employees on duty were found l**... her exposed form. Police released the woman and no charges could be pressed as they had their liquor license.
Teacher and her 3 boy students:
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy 1: I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher: You are punished to stay out of school for one week.
Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy 2: I saw your bra straps.
Teacher: You are punished to stay out of school for one month.
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: Why are you leaving?
Boy 3: I think my school days are over.
A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree...
... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."
h**... Stripper
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something s**... to a tractor."
Teacher: why did you laugh?
Teacher: why did you laugh?
Boy: I saw one strap of your bra.
Teacher: get out of the class for 1 week.
Two boys laughed, Teacher: why did you laugh:
boys: I saw both straps. Teacher: get out for 1 month. She bent down to take chalk, jony started walking out.
Teacher: jony, why you are going out?
Jony: what I just saw I think my school days are over.
The Italian spy
A german, French, and Italian spy get captured. The French spy is tied with his hands strapped behind his back, a d is tortured and interrogated. He confesses after one hour. The German spy lasts two hours before confessing. The Italian spy lasts hours before his captors give up on him. The German and French spies ask how he lasted so long without talking and he says "I wanted to talk, but I couldn't move my hands."
So a Slovakian man is looking for a job in a restaurant...
So he goes to the manager of the restaurant and asks if he can get a job there.
The manager says "You see, this is a culturally specific restaurant, so we want people of a certain ethnicity. You were pretty close, but you don't meet our requirements."
The man notices the manager is looking a bit cash-strapped and so he winks and quietly says "Well, how much would it take for me to meet these requirements?"
The manager is cautious but says "Cheques only."
The man sighs and says "Aw, so no Slovakians?"
Three women go to heaven...
Upon entering the pearly gates God states, "You can live a blissful life with anything you can dream of for all eternity. However, you must not step on any of the ducks!" The women look around to see the floor crowded with waddling ducks. Years go by without a hiccup. Finally after 10 years the first woman makes the dreaded mistake and steps on a duck. Immediately she in handcuffed to the most hideous, grotesque man she has ever seen. God states, "This shall remain for all eternity!" Five years later the second women makes the same crucial mistake and "p**...!" another hideous mate handcuffed for the rest of time. Finally after decades, "p**...!" the final women is suddenly strapped to the most handsome, perfect man she has ever seen. She screams to God, "What did I do to be so lucky?!!" At that moment the man looks over and says, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck!"
s**... b**... and Astronauts
When you think about it s**... b**... and Astronauts are very similar,
They both strap themselves to explosives and hope to end up in a better place.
I once went 13 years without s**....
Then came my 14th birthday and my elder sister with a strap-on.
Every now and then I see something that brings a little tear to my eye.
Last night it was my wife wearing her s**....
Three spies are captured in london
One is German, one is French and the other is italian. First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of t**... he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others. Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of t**... they get him to talk and throw him back with the others. Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of t**... and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with the others. When he is back in the cell with the other spies asked him, "how did you last that long without saying a word"?
Then the Italian man says,
"I was trying to speak but they had my hands strapped down and I wasn't able to move them".
While at the mall with my infant son, I was glad to see the men's room had a baby changing station...
…so I took the kid right in there and strapped him into it.
Imagine my disappointment when we left the restroom and he was still the same foul-tempered, demanding and inarticulate little brat I walked in there with.
[Edited for clarity]
Husband: Hey baby, hold my jock strap.
Wife: That's disgusting why would I hold your jock strap?
Husband: Well I always hold your purse for you.
Wife: That's not remotely the same.
Husband: Why not, they both hold our junk.
Credit to /u/WhistleWhileYouLurk.
A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy and a m**... are having dinner together...
...and they are bragging about their families.
"My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team."
"Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team."
"That's nothing" says the m**.... "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason l**... use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
Gender Dynamics
Husband: I wear the pants in this relationship.
Wife: I wear the strap-on.
Husband: There's blood in my stool.
A cop pulls over a woman
The officer comes to the window of the car and asks the woman "Mam, do you have any weapons in the car?"
The woman replies "Well, I have a 12 gauge in the trunk, a smith and wesen in the glove compartment, a colt on my side, and a derenger strapped to my boot."
The officer says "My god woman, what are you afraid of?"
She says "Absolutely nothing."
A married couple are strapped for cash, so they agree that the wife will p**... to help pay the bills...
Hours later she returns with five hundred dollars and ten cents. The husband says, "that's great, our problems are over! But...who gave you the ten cents?" She replies "Why, all of them!"
A Father comes home from work
To find the tv broken and his wife looking furious with their child.
"What happened?" The father asked.
"Our son broke the tv playing the Wii" she replied.
"Did he have the s**...?"
"No, I thought Id let you punish him"
What's the difference between my broken watch and a lesbian?
My watch hasn't got a s**....
An elderly man moved into a nursing home.
After he'd been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. "How do you like this place?" she asked him. "It's not bad," he replied, "except they won't let me f**...."
I like my women how I like my guitar....
Loud, black and with a big s**...!!
Today a minute tick tried to latch onto my arm near the hand...
... but the strap was too tight. Not under my watch, lil bloodsucka.
Did you hear about the d**... who was also a Bankruptcy Attorney?
All of her customers were strapped for cash
p**... and m**... are on a rollercoaster
Getting strapped in, p**... turns to m**....
"When we go upside down, will we fall out?"
"I hope not p**..., we've been pals for years."
It's quite ironic that "s**..."…
…backwards, spells 'no parts'…
Why do l**... and mechanics have in common?
s**... tools!!!
In j**... training
A man learns how to detonate and conceal explosives.
In order to test how good he is at concealing them, he decides to strap some to himself and walk around the camp. Now knowing they were attached to a remote detonator, he suddenly blows up.
After he dies he sees an old friend he left when going to train for j**....
"How did training go?" Asked his old friend.
"Not too sure, I think I bombed it."
Why do crocs have a s**... the back of them?
So they stay on during s**....
To save costs, terrorists are now recruiting deer and sending them into public places strapped with s**... vests.
They said, "they give you more for your buck"
The wife said she wanted to do some Game of Thrones role-playing tonight...
She strapped our kid to my back and made me hold the door while she m**... to Kit Harington.
The asylum patient was exasperated when he was strapped to the chair
He couldn't stand it.
Strapped For Cash
During college, I worked on
a conveyor belt. One day, I was
on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
I work at the end of a belt, I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, Are you the buckle?
My wife and I were having some marital issues but we have moved on.
We have been doing it d**... a lot lately, too much if you ask me. I guess I shouldn't complain. Her s**..., her rules.
What do you get when you cut a bra in half?
Two yamakas with chin straps.
Two l**... were getting late.
One said to other: "strap-on we're in a hurry".
I went for a romantic break with the wife
She came out of the bathroom and said "take off my dress"
As I peeled off her dress, she said "take off my bra"
My hands trembled as I unclasped the strap. Then came "take off my knickers"
I slowly pulled them down, and she shouted
"and I don't ever want to catch you wearing them again!"
A guy reads a sign that says "Free bungee jumping!"
So he goes to the man running the promotion and asks "What's the catch?". "No catch!" says the man. So the guy straps up, jumps and dies.
Are you aware of the fact that many people have stopped using their remote's safety straps?
It's getting out of hand.
You're in the Army Now
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a South Alabama man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
What do you call an Arabic s**...?
First person shooters really bring out the testosterone in you.
I told my girlfriend.
As she put on the strap-on
Explain this Flat-Earthers!
If the Earth is flat, why do Australians have to strap everything including themselves to the ground in order to not fall up?
Sports injuries
An ice hockey player, a rodeo clown and a beautiful figure skater walk into a bar. After a couple of drinks they start to compare their injuries.
None of my teeth are my own, I once lost seven teeth during one game. , started the hockey player.
Well, that's nothing - during my career I have broken each and every one of my bones , replied the rodeo clown.
The figure skater rolls her eyes and says: I used to be a Red Sox infielder. Do yo have any idea what that ball can do to a man, if you forget to wear the jock strap.
My friend was a violent serial killer...
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
How do you call someone who is strapped?
Travelingmike93
Have you heard of the l**... for seatblets movment?
It's called Strap-on!
People keep asking me if my heads s**... on right.
I think they're gonna fire me from my job at the strap-on factory.
A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head.
I guess you could say I was held ostrich.
Staying strapped probably has completely different implications
When you're a gangster rapper vs. being highly into b**......