Stranger Jokes

What are some Stranger jokes?

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.





I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts



After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

My daughter told me I should treat her like a princess

So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French.

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan...

I swear I've met herbivore

My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

Stranger: "Bob? Is that short for Robert?"

Bobert: "No."

I wasn't too impressed by Dr. Strange..

I've seen Stranger Things.

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

An Oxford Graduate walks into a bar

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. Howdy, stranger, one Texan says. Where are you from?

The Oxford graduate answers, I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.

Oh, I'm sorry, replies the Texan. Where are you from, jackass?

Mess with someone's mind

Make your day more fun by going up
to a stranger and asking "Hey, how
have you been since the amnesia?"

I walked in from work today and my wife was

sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"

A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"

I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...

A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on! You go and sort him out and I will hold your monkey for you!"

Guy yells to a stranger across the river

"I need to get to the other side".

Stranger yells back, "You are on the other side".

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Help! I need a push!

A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...

I moved over and asked her why she was crying.

"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.

I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."

I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."

"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."

-----



Steve Wright

Why should one not talk about Titanic with a stranger?

Because it can't break the ice

(it's a long story)A farmer sees a stranger walking down the road...

A farmer sees a stranger walking down the road. In a few minutes the man comes back and hails the farmer. He says "I see you have some Honeysuckle growing down the road. I was wondering if you had an old jar that I can collect the honey in?"

The farmer is confused and says "Well you can have a jar, but you won't get honey from a Honeysuckle."

The man replies "If you know how you can."

So the farmer gives him the jar. Soon he comes back to show the farmer and, sure enough, the jar is full of golden honey.

A few days later the stranger comes by again. He says "I see you have some Milkweed growing along the road. Would you have a bucket I can collect some milk in."

The farmer laughs and says "That was a good trick with the honey, but you can't get milk from a Milkweed."

The man replies "If you know how you can."

The farmer gives him the bucket and soon enough he comes back with the pail full of milk.

A week later the stranger comes by again.
He says to the farmer "I see you have some Pussywillows growing.."

The farmers interrupts with "Wait'll I get my hat!"

The difference between "in theory" and "In reality"

Son walks up to his dad and asks "Dad... what is the difference between in theory and in reality?"

Dad: "Ok son, I want you to go ask both your mother and sister if they would sleep with a complete stranger for $1million."

Son: "Ok sure"
The son walks away only to return 15 minutes later

Dad: "Well did you ask them?"

Son: "Yeah... they both said they would sleep with a complete stranger for $1 million"

Dad: "Well son there you have it... In theory we could be a couple of millionaires... in reality we live with a couple of whores!"

A few electrons are having a party

When suddenly, an uninvited proton enters, and since opposites attract, all the electrons get stuck to him. Unable to pull themselves away from the gatecrasher, they scream for help. A mystery stranger hears their cries, jumps in, pulls all the electrons off and throws the proton out of the premises. The grateful electrons ask their saviour to identify himself. Mysteriously, he pulls down his hat and answers:

"Bond. Covalent Bond."

A rope walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve ropes here!"

So the rope heads around the block, walks up to a stranger and says "Hey, can you tie me in a knot?" Stranger shrugs and does it.

The rope hangs out a little longer, till a lady walks by and he asks "Hey, could you fray my ends a bit?" Woman thinks it's weird, but does it anyway.

So the rope goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the rope I just kicked out of here?"

"No," answers the rope. "I'm a frayed knot."

The difference between Theory and Reality

A boy goes up to his father one day and asks "Dad, what's the difference between 'theory' and 'reality'?"

Dad thinks for a second and says "Go upstairs right now and ask your mother and your sister if they'd have sex with a complete stranger for a million dollars." The boy goes upstairs, and comes back down a few minutes later with a look of surprise.

"They both said yes!"

"Well son," says Dad, "in theory we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality we're just living with a couple of whores."

Pushy Drunk

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

I was walking my dogs when a stranger approached me.

"Are they Jack Russell's?"
"Nah mate, they're mine" I replied.

An elderly couple live next to a highway...

One night they wake up to hear a knock at the door. The husband, grumbling about the late hour, gets up, heads downstairs and opens the door to see a stranger.

The stranger says, "Terribly sorry to wake you but I was wondering if you could give me a push?"

The elderly man replies that it is the middle of the night and he is too old for physical exertion. He then heads back to bed. Upon getting in bed the wife asked him what happened and is shocked to hear that he did not help the stranger. "Go outside and help him right now!" she demands.

The old man begrudgingly gets dressed and walks outside. He looks left and right and doesn't see the man or his car anywhere along the highway. "Where are you?" he shouts.

"Over here on the swings!"

I can tell bad jokes too - A dog limps into a saloon...

As the batwing doors swing closed behind him, the patrons turn to eye the stranger up.

The dog cooly looks around the dim, smoky room and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and then returns to his putt.

After the hole, the young guy says "I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased."

Old guy says "Well, we were married for 42 years... Least I could do."

An amputee walks up to a stranger...

An amputee missing his left arm and left leg walks up to a stranger and shouts, I lost my left arm and left leg!!! .

The stranger looks at him, unsure what to make of this interaction, and says, All-righty then.

Difference between theory & reality...

A little boy comes home from school one day and asks his dad if he can explain the difference between theory and reality to him.

The Dad questions why and the kid says "it's for school, can you just help me out?"

The dad thinks for second and then says, "ok, what I want you to do is go upstairs and ask your mom and your sister if they'd sleep with a stranger for $1,000,000"

The kid says, "what?" And Dad says "just do it, it'll help me explain."

So the kid goes upstairs, asks and walks back down.

Dad: did you do it?
Kid: yeah
Dad: Well what'd they say?
Kid: well, they both said yes
Dad: okay so, in theory we'd have a $1,000,000, but in reality we're living with a couple of whores.

I attacked a stranger with a sock full of dead AAA Duracells

Kind of ironic that I was charged with battery

I would like to thank the kind stranger I met on the bus this morning for teaching me the meaning of the word 'abundance'.

It means a lot.

Why do men give their penises names?

Because they don't want a total stranger making 90% of their decisions.

How many???

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Blonde Loyalty Test

I don't remember exactly how the joke was worded... maybe you guys can help me out if it doesn't come across well...

A blonde was completing spy training and for the final stage, the proctors had to test her loyalty to the agency. So, they tied a stranger to a chair, gave her a gun, and said "with no background on who this man is, or what he has done, you have to trust us that he needs to be killed." Then they left the room and immediately heard a gun shot, followed by some struggling. After a few minutes, she exited the room and the proctors said congratulations. She replied, "Thanks, but why would you give me a gun with a blank? I had to do it with my bare hands."

I heard about a tourist that visited a religious site once.

He climbed all those steps and wanted to ring the bell at the end, but the poor guy had no arms, having lost them in an industrial accident year previous.

But being no stranger to overcoming adversity, the tourist insisted on ringing the bell anyway, so the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. The first two times were fine, but on the third attempt, he tripped, stumbled and fell to his death to the rocks below.

When being interviewed for the accident, the police asked the monks Do you know this guy?

The monk responded, No, but his face rings a bell.

A cowboy walks into a bar.

He throws a coin up in the air, shoots at it three times, and says "My name is Bill, Buffalo Bill". After the cowboy, a stranger stands up, pulls down his pants, showing three testicles and says "My name is Bill, Cherno Bill".

I was such an ugly baby...

I was such an ugly baby...My Mom was pushing me in a pram one day and was so upset with folk's reaction to her ugly baby. She sat down on a park bench and the tears began to flow. A kindly stranger noticed her tearfully rocking the pram and decided to do a good deed. He bought a large ice cream and handed it to her. 'Listen, dear,' he said, 'I know you have problems, you don't have to tell me what they are, but hopefully this will cheer you up.' My Mom smiled through her tears and accepted the ice cream. The kind stranger returned the smile then held out his other hand and said, 'And here is a bag of nuts for the monkey!'

I bumped into a stranger. He turned around and told me he was gonna rearrange my teeth.

What a great dentist he was - so glad I met him.

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

So a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer

Killer: "Turn down that dark road."

Rapist: "I was planning on it..."

Edit - Thank you magnificent stranger for gold!

Some recent grads having a beer..

Three guys, Mike, Dave, and Doug were at a table in a bar enjoying some beers and conversation. A stranger came by and asked if he could join them and was immediately welcomed. After about an hour of lively conversation the stranger said, I can tell you are all recent college grads. I bet I can guess where each of you went to school.

That would be interesting, said Doug, I'd like to see how you could do that.

Well, Mike here, he's Harvard. That's easy. He's got the Haavard accent. He also made reference to some obscure points of business law and his stylish business suit seals the deal.

And Dave has got to be MIT. The smudged glasses and black t-shirt are a clue. He also made some references that show he has a good grasp of quantum theory and computer science.

That's amazing, said Doug. What about me?

Oh. You went to West Virginia University.

How do you know? asked Doug.

I saw your class ring while you were picking your nose.

A stranger and two penguins.

A man was walking down the street with two penguins following behind him. A police man sees this, thinks it's a bit strange, pulls over and says to the guy.

Cop 'hey, where did you get those two penguins from'?

Guy 'they aren't mine, they have just been following me all day'.

Cop 'those are exotic animals. Do me a favour take them both up to the zoo'.

The man agrees he will. The next day the cop is driving down the same street and he sees the same guy, still with two penguins following behind him. He pulls over again and says.

Cop 'hey! I thought I told you yesterday to take those two penguins to the zoo'!

Guy 'I did. I'm taking them to the cinema today'.

Told a stranger on a bus that I liked rhetorical questions.

He said, "Who cares?"
I said, "that's a classic!"

I can't wait to read the BuzzFeed article on "20 Things You Will Love about Stranger Things"

Eleven will blow your mind!!!

A jewish guy gets knocked over by a car...

A passer by runs over to check on him. He bundles up his coat into a pillow and places it under his head "Are you comfortable?" the stranger asks. He replies "Ach, I make a living."

Cr

I saw a stranger in an alley

I saw a stranger in an alley, and decided to give him $2000.

You should have seen the smile on my face when he put his gun away.

"sun or the moon"

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
.
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

What did Batman say when he found a stranger in the Batcave?

I can't believe it's not Butler

Oh my goat!

Two guys are walking through the forest, and they stumble across a giant hole. They wonder how far down it goes, and try to find something to throw into the hole. One man finds an anvil, and throws it down. They wait for a few seconds and don't hear anything. Suddenly they see a goat running towards them at full speed, and it jumps into the hole. They stand there confused, when someone comes out of nowhere. The stranger asks if they saw his goat, they told him that the goat jumped into the giant hole. Then the stranger explains that that would be impossible, because the goat was attached to an anvil.

Don't Despair

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair ~ Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper and wrapped the $100 bill in it Then she got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "*Don't Despair* paid 80-to-1!"

What was Jesus' first words?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

A vegan, a feminist, and a Stranger Things fan walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes...

I sat on my hand for a while, then masturbated with it. It was pure gold.

Thank you, kind stranger.

Kids Marry The Darnedest Things

A young son declared, When â€ĻI grow up, I'm going to marry you, Mommy.

You can't marry your own mother, said his older sister.

Then I'll marry you.

You can't marry me either.

He looked confused, so I explained, You can't marry someone in your own family.

You mean I have to marry a total stranger?! he cried.

What is a kidnapper's favorite song?

"In the arms of a stranger"

Last night my wife told me, "That was entertaining. I wish it was longer..."

"Now I have to wait another year until Stranger Things season 3"

2 strangers are sitting on a train.

As they pass a cow field. One man says to the other, "What a nice field, man having 143 cows must be a lot of work"

The other man, astonished, replies "Wow, I happen to own that field and how did you know there were exactly 143 cows?"

The man replied "Easy, I counted the legs and divided by 4!"

Subway is like prostitution.

You pay a stranger to do your wife's job.

I finally watched that Netflix sci-fi show that everyone is watching...

I keep hearing from everyone that it's a very wierd show, but to be honest, I've seen stranger things.

A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar

It takes 3 hours to drive across my land

The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:

I used to have a truck like that.

I saw my sister watching the show "Dexter" yesterday..

I thought it was a pretty weird show, but then again, I have seen stranger things on Netflix.

TIL That in 2014 Netflix announced they wouldn't be pursuing science-fiction themed original content.

But Stranger Things have happened.

"The watch"

My dad just reminded me of this old classic!

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.

A dog with a bandaged foot limped into town one day.

The sheriff approached the stranger and said: What brings you to Dawson City? The dog replied: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party.

I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room.

I was absolutely disgusted.

I had found my mom's vibe rater.

A woman has lived through an abusive relationship with her husband for 10 years.

The husband has beaten her many times over the course of their marriage. Finally, she decides to get a divorce. Everything goes through as normal, and soon she's on her own again. As she is leaving the courthouse, a stranger stops her, having overheard the proceedings.



"What do you want?" the lady asks him.



"I heard of your problems in marriage... let me give you a little piece of advice. If you decide to remarry, do it with a player from the Cleveland Browns," the stranger says.



"Why?



"Isn't it obvious? The Cleveland Browns don't beat anybody."

Why is the Stranger Things Christmas special going to be lame?

Noel

What's the common point between jews and shoes ?

Its easier to find in 39 than in 45


Edit : Thanks for the gold king stranger ! That was a joke. sorry if i offended anyone, just wanted to make people laugh, have a good day

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