Hilarious Fun Straight Line Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have s**... with kids.
What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has s**... with young boys.
A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...
He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a u**... sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!
A lawyer goes to heaven...
...and finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
Twelve Italian priests...
...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally n**..., in a garden while a s**..., beautiful, big breasted, n**... model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!
Did you hear about the new Disney FastPass?
Skip the lines, go straight to the ICU
What do you call a crab that walks in a straight line?
Drunk
A server is carrying a tray of cheese when he sees a beautiful girl walk by.
He thinks of something to say and goes in for the kill. But on his way he slips on a wet spot, sending him sliding into an ice sculpture and spilling the cheese in a straight line behind him. People get up to help and start picking up cheese off the ground. The girl goes over to the server and asks if he is okay. The server responds, "I'm fine, but it seems my slick icebreaker has turned into a cheesy pickup line."
I was drawing a graph for my report expecting a straight line. But I got a curve.
What a plot twist
You can explore straight line reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean straight line dad jokes. There are also straight line puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why can't Harry Potter draw a straight line ?
He can only draw Diagon Alley.
My c**...-eyed professor had a really bad day today.
His pupils got way out of line.
It made him so angry that he couldn't see straight.
Why don't AT-ATs walk in a straight line?
Because of General Veers.
If you lined up everyone on Earth in a straight line
most of them would drown
Two English gentlemen are fishing on a boat
As they are both fishing in silence, as gentlemen do, the one gets a big pull on his line. After a fair amount of fighting, he pulls a beautiful mermaid out of the water. As he is holding her, he looks at her head to tail: top half woman, and from the waist down fish.
The mermaid looks at him straight in the eye with an amorous look. Then, without saying a word, he drops her back into the water.
His friend, in complete disbelief, exclaims: "But why?"
To which the first replies: "But how?"
The "circle of life" applies to life in general,
your own life is more of a straight line that ends abruptly.
(Credit James Acaster)
Walk The Line
A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. Alright, says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. Walk in a straight line. I'd be happy to, says the drunk just stop moving the s**... line.
I was pulled over by a police officer for drink driving.
He said walk down the path in a straight line, 3 yards into the walk, the officer said, "You're staggering" I said, "you're quite handsome yourself" We just laughed and laughed. Now I need bail money.
7
One night I was dreaming the number 7, over an over. To my amazement, when I woke up it was 7 o'clock, on July the 7th. So I took the bus on line 7 straight to the racetrack and bet 7777$ on the 7th horse from the 7th round. It finished on 7th.
Why are lines on the lgbt flag straight?
Legit question
How do you walk a perfect straight line during the next 7.2 magnitude earthquake?
Develop Parkinsons.
What's a safety supervisor's favourite pick-up line?
"Keep your knees bent and your back straight."
Moths
Q: How do you know when a moth farts? A: It flies in a straight line.
What makes LGBT game characters unique from other characters?
they don't shoot in a straight line
Why did the straight line want to commit s**... by poisoning?
Because he wished to die-agonally.
Did you know that if you took every cell in your body and put them in a straight line...
.you'd die?
What do you call two straight sticks in one shorts?
The apparalel lines.
Why did the Irishman fail his driving test?
They asked him what the solid yellow line means, and he got out of the car and tried to walk a straight line.
What's straighter than a straight line?
A Homophobe.
What did the squiggly line say to the angle?
Your acute.
(Squiggly line because gay because squiggly line =/= straight)
My dad only gave advice on math and women.
so i know for a fact the shortest way to a women's heart is a straight line.
What did the artist say when he drew a bi-curious line?
It's not exactly straight.
I told my teacher that I know the Earth is round because if I walk in a straight line long enough I'll end up where I started
He told me I shouldn't make circular arguments
