Straight Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

I can never get a straight answer.

I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
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Now both of them have condom balloons :D

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay sex scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene

Weinstein said that the sex scene usually takes place before he approves a movie

At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing.

I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."ο»Ώ

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses

She drinks straight from the bottle.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says

You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

The CEO of Apple came out gay...

Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

Why are gay people bad liars?

They can't keep a straight face

America is so racist and homophobic

That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.

What's the worst part about being gay?

You cant think straight.

I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.

I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.

My friend recently came out and said he was gay.

But I didn't believe him because he said it with a straight face

My mom opened the door and caught me masturbating.

I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"

Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k?

Because 3k was considered too racist.

Why are closeted gay people good at poker?

Because they're always putting on a straight face.

I asked my dad what it means to be gay.

But he didn't give me a straight answer.

A man walks into a bar ...

He goes straight to the bar and asks the barmaid for a beer which she begins to pour, while he's waiting he notices their small food menu to the side:

Cheese Sandwich Β£5

Ham Sandwich Β£5

Handjob Β£5

In disbelief he looks up at the barmaid who is absolutely gorgeous and asks "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?", "Yep" she replies with a smile. He checks his wallet for the Β£5 and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

Did you hear about the new pill that's supposed to turn lesbian women straight?

It's called tricoxagain.

I lost my watch

I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

There's three things I've never been able to get straight

My sexuality, and counting

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight

- knees bent.

- Feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose Grip

- keep your head down

- avoid a quick backswing

- stay out of the water

- try not to hit anybody

- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you

- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others

- be quite when others are about to go

- keep strokes to a minimum

What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

My lesbian sister told me that most girls are like spaghetti noodles

Straight until you get them wet.

Dentists are racist and homophobic.

They want to make your teeth white and straight.

I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for

But I never got a straight answer

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

Why do gay people smile so much?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has sex with young boys.

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

Why do gay people laugh a lot?

Because they can never keep a straight face.

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?

The reason the parents are crying.



I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers

Why can't gay people play poker?

Because they can't keep a straight face.

A bishop walks straight into a bar and orders a beer.

"You can't do that," the bartender says. "You can only move diagonally."

My sister asked me if I was gay

I couldn't give her a straight answer.

A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.

When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.

He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"

What's the best part about having Memorial Day off?

3 straight days without a school shooting.

Every day, I take the elevator to get to my office.

My office is on the 12th floor, so I always take the elevator up to the 11th floor. I would take the elevator straight to the 12th floor, but that's another story.

My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed...

I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.

What's the best thing about dating 26 year olds?

Honestly I'm looking for a persuasive answer, I need to tell my wife something convincing or she's going to straight up kill me.

My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.

She always just drank straight from the bottle.

I keep asking people what LGBT means

I can never get a straight answer

Why do SJWs hate dentists?

Because they want to make teeth straight and white.

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

Bonus: by u/kismetpink They're straight until I get them wet
Bonus by u/Shaded_Trees: They both go limp after being warmed up

You know why I don't trust gay people?

Because they're never straight with me

Both Golf

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker. "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "

A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...

Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one condom."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."

The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs

It's the best place place to pick up chicks.

If being gay means being happy

Then i'm still straight

If straight couples usually end sex when the man finishes, how do lesbians know when it's time to stop?

When the scissors get dull

An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets

P N E I S

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.

A man feels sick, so he goes to his doctor...

...and has some tests run. He is told to come back a few days later. A few days pass and he returns. When the male doctor invites him into the back room, the man says, "Give it to me straight, doctor." The doctor replies, "Why, that would be impossible, we're both men!" The man cracks a smile. The doctor then states, "Besides, I don't want to catch HIV."

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight

Unless it blows?

A guy walks into a bar

He orders 9 scotches, straight up.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a a lot of scotch. You must be celebrating?"

Guy: "Yes. My first blow job."

Bartender: "Well then, the tenth one is me!"

Guy: "If the first nine don't get the taste out of my mouth, ten won't either."

I walked up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot.

He said, "Straight?"

I said, "Yeah. So don't get any ideas, pal."

What will a gay politician never give you?

A straight answer.

They are serious!

A boy is getting all Ds and Fs in math so his parents send him to Catholic school. On his first report card, his parents are shocked to see their son getting straight As. When his parents ask him why, he says, Well, when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they were serious.

Sam walks into his boss's office.

Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

By the way , asks the boss as Sam is getting up, which three companies are after you?

The electric company, water company, and phone company , Sam replied.

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

...you can't milk a cow for a decade straight.

Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A man walks into a bar..

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...

...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

Three guys show up in heaven

Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.

The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.

St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.

When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.

The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

I'm like spaghetti: I'm straight!

as long as I stay away from the pot...

A driver gets pulled over . . .

A man gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. While the officer is doing the routine license check, he spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

The cop tells the driver, "I'll let you off this time, but you need to take those penguins straight to the zoo." The driver was happy to get off with just a warning, so he agrees.

The next day, the officer sees the same car in another part of town, with some penguins peeking out the back windows.

He pulls over the driver again. "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo just yesterday!"

"Your sure did," says the driver, "and what a great idea that was. We had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Bellboy

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

So, little jonny came back from the church...

and asked his mom: "Mom, is god man or a woman".

Mom didn't want to spoil his mind so she said: "Both."

Little jonny went to his room and thought for sometime.

He came back and asked her: "Mom, is god black or white".

Again, the mom didn't want any controversy so she said: "Both."

Jonny again went back to his room and thought for sometime.

Then he came back and asked: "Mom, is god a straight or gay?"

Again, mom didn't want to create any controversy, so again she said: "Both."

This time jonny went to his room and thought really hard.

He came back and said: "Mom I finally figured it out. michael jackson is god"

Why are married women fatter than single women?

A single girl gets home, looks what's in the fridge and goes straight to bed. A married girl gets home, looks what's in the bed, and goes straight to the fridge

Gay guys know everything...

A gay guy and a straight guy are in a car and stuck at a stoplight for a very long time. The gay guy looks at the straight guy and says

"I'm going to go, it's going to turn green anyways."

the gay guy goes and it turns green. The straight guy says,

"how'd you do that."

"Gay guys know everything." said the gay guy.

Then the two go to the mall and while they're in the parking lot the gay guy stops the straight guy and says.

"I bet you in about 4 seconds 5 hot girls come around that corner over there."

About 4 seconds later 5 hot girls walk around the corner. The straight guy says,

"how'd you do that?"

the gay guy says yet again.

"Gay guys know everything."


*At this point in the joke you say to the person "Then the two guys go up these things that are a lot like stairs but they move?" Struggle to think about what they are called and hopefully the person you're telling the joke to says "escalator." Then you say*







"Gay guys know everything..."

Why do gay guys float easier then straight guys.

Because they are flamboyant.

Twelve Italian priests...

...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!

A friend asked me "As a young boy, was your mother very strict?"

I said "Let's get one thing straight, my mother was *never* a young boy."

Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"

β€žCuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.

They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"

β€žShe said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says β€žCome with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says β€žOink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.

β€žPiggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says β€žWelcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes β€žMeeh!

Boss says β€žDon't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.

What are the funniest straight jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Straight? Well, here are the best Straight puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Straight pick up lines to share with friends.

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