The Best 95 Straight Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Straight jokes. There are some straight directly jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these straight mend puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Straight Jokes and Puns
Harry Potter has way too many characters...
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
Every day, I take the elevator to get to my office.
My office is on the 12th floor, so I always take the elevator up to the 11th floor. I would take the elevator straight to the 12th floor, but that's another story.
My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed...
I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
Both Golf
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker. "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "
Why can't gay people play poker?
Because they can't keep a straight face.
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
A man feels sick, so he goes to his doctor...
...and has some tests run. He is told to come back a few days later. A few days pass and he returns. When the male doctor invites him into the back room, the man says, "Give it to me straight, doctor." The doctor replies, "Why, that would be impossible, we're both men!" The man cracks a smile. The doctor then states, "Besides, I don't want to catch HIV."
Why are gay people bad liars?
They can't keep a straight face
A guy walks into a bar
He orders 9 scotches, straight up.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a a lot of scotch. You must be celebrating?"
Guy: "Yes. My first blow job."
Bartender: "Well then, the tenth one is me!"
Guy: "If the first nine don't get the taste out of my mouth, ten won't either."
You can explore straight lgbtq reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean straight upright dad jokes. There are also straight puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle.
The CEO of Apple came out gay...
Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight
I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.
I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.
Did you hear about the new pill that's supposed to turn lesbian women straight?
It's called tricoxagain.
My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.
She always just drank straight from the bottle.
My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.
There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...
Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one condom."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."
My lesbian sister told me that most girls are like spaghetti noodles
Straight until you get them wet.
Why do SJWs hate dentists?
Because they want to make teeth straight and white.
A joke I heard at mass
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
My sister asked me if I was gay
I couldn't give her a straight answer.
What's the worst part about being gay?
You cant think straight.
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing.
I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.
I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.
There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now both of them have condom balloons :D
I lost my watch
I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?
You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight
Unless it blows?
Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...
But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left...
Why are closeted gay people good at poker?
Because they're always putting on a straight face.
A straight flush beats a full house
A full house means urine trouble
Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...
I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...
I walked up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot.
He said, "Straight?"
I said, "Yeah. So don't get any ideas, pal."
Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k?
Because 3k was considered too racist.
America is so racist and homophobic
That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.
A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.
In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay sex scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene
Weinstein said that the sex scene usually takes place before he approves a movie
What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?
The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers
If straight couples usually end sex when the man finishes, how do lesbians know when it's time to stop?
When the scissors get dull
You know why I don't trust gay people?
Because they're never straight with me
What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has sex with young boys.
I asked my dad what it means to be gay.
But he didn't give me a straight answer.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
Bonus: by u/kismetpink They're straight until I get them wet
Bonus by u/Shaded_Trees: They both go limp after being warmed up
Why do gay people laugh a lot?
Because they can never keep a straight face.
Why is almond milk called almond milk?
Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face
Dentists are racist and homophobic.
They want to make your teeth white and straight.
I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.
He just kept telling me it's private.
There's three things I've never been able to get straight
My sexuality, and counting
A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"
Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?
The Trump card.
What's the best part about having Memorial Day off?
3 straight days without a school shooting.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.
Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
What's the best thing about dating 26 year olds?
Honestly I'm looking for a persuasive answer, I need to tell my wife something convincing or she's going to straight up kill me.
When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs
It's the best place place to pick up chicks.
My mom opened the door and caught me masturbating.
I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"
A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"
If you're questioning your sexuality...
You probably aren't thinking straight.
If being gay means being happy
Then i'm still straight
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...
I can never get a straight answer.
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn't believe him because he said it with a straight face
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I'm a creep and need to leave the morgue immediately
Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives?
The United States of America.
A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender who shouts, Hey pal! You can't do that!"
"Bishops can only move diagonally!"
I've been asking people what LGBTQ means....
Nobody will give me a straight answer
I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.
I never get a straight answer.
Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left?
Ten.
Ten what?
Nine
I researched about LGBT on internet today
Just couldn't get a straight answer.
A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....
"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"
Why can't you argue with the LGBT community?
Because they're not thinking straight.
In high school, I was dared to play gay chicken , which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay and the first one to chicken out loses...
The other guy and I are really stubborn, and neither of us wanted to lose. We've been married 14 years and run a bed and breakfast in Vermont with our adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect he is actually gay.
Why did you ask?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is sex?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her: "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied,"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
An American and a Russian were talking in a bar
The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.
"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."
Hearing this the Russian smirked
"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"
She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes.
I kissed her.
And now I am arrested by the police for misbehaving with the optician.
Why are lines in North Korea so straight?
Because they have a supreme ruler
I asked so many people what LGBTQ+ means
Nobody gave me a straight answer.
Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
up on the oil rigs
so these two albertans, jordan and teddy, are working away up north, on a long stint. jordan says "hey teddy, whats the first thing you're gonna do when you get home" and teddy replies "I'm gonna go straight upstairs and tear off my wifes panties!" and jordan says "oh yeah??" and teddy replies "yeah man they are really chafing me, right here".
Today I turned 50 years old and I still don't need glasses...
I drink straight out of the bottle.
A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...
He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
I used to shave my testicles with a straight razor.
Nowadays I lack the balls to do so
Why do LGBT people have bad grades?
They can't think straight.
Whats the difference between braces and homophobes?
There is none, they both promote being straight
Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf together.
Moses swings and the ball rolls towards a river. The river splits and the ball goes through. Jesus shrugs, and hits the ball straight onto the river. It rolls straight over. The old man smiles and hits the ball into the river. A fish swallows the ball, an eagle swoops down, grabs the fish and flies off. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, it drops the fish, the ball falls into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus "I hate playing with your dad."
I met my girlfriend whilst visiting the London Zoo.
Straight away I knew she was a keeper.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the straight amazement jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working straight straighten piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.