Straight Jokes

Following is our collection of lgbtq puns and directly one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Straight jokes for adults, dirty upright jokes and clean mend dad gags for kids.

The Best Straight Puns

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.


A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

I can never get a straight answer.

I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
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Now both of them have condom balloons :D

I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.

I never get a straight answer.

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.


In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay sex scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene

Weinstein said that the sex scene usually takes place before he approves a movie

At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing.

I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."

I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses

She drinks straight from the bottle.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says

You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I'm a creep and need to leave the morgue immediately

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."


The CEO of Apple came out gay...

Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

Why are gay people bad liars?

They can't keep a straight face

America is so racist and homophobic

That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.

What's the worst part about being gay?

You cant think straight.

Why can't you argue with the LGBT community?

Because they're not thinking straight.

I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.

I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.

My friend recently came out and said he was gay.

But I didn't believe him because he said it with a straight face

My mom opened the door and caught me masturbating.

I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"

Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k?

Because 3k was considered too racist.

Why are closeted gay people good at poker?

Because they're always putting on a straight face.

I asked my dad what it means to be gay.

But he didn't give me a straight answer.

Did you hear about the new pill that's supposed to turn lesbian women straight?

It's called tricoxagain.

A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

I lost my watch

I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

There's three things I've never been able to get straight

My sexuality, and counting

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight

- knees bent.

- Feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose Grip

- keep your head down

- avoid a quick backswing

- stay out of the water

- try not to hit anybody

- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you

- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others

- be quite when others are about to go

- keep strokes to a minimum

What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

Dentists are racist and homophobic.

They want to make your teeth white and straight.

My lesbian sister told me that most girls are like spaghetti noodles

Straight until you get them wet.

I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for

But I never got a straight answer

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

Why do gay people smile so much?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has sex with young boys.

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

Why do gay people laugh a lot?

Because they can never keep a straight face.

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...

...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?

The reason the parents are crying.



I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers

Why can't gay people play poker?

Because they can't keep a straight face.

My sister asked me if I was gay

I couldn't give her a straight answer.

A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.

When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.

He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"

What's the best part about having Memorial Day off?

3 straight days without a school shooting.

Every day, I take the elevator to get to my office.

My office is on the 12th floor, so I always take the elevator up to the 11th floor. I would take the elevator straight to the 12th floor, but that's another story.

I've been asking people what LGBTQ means....

Nobody will give me a straight answer

My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed...

I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.

What's the best thing about dating 26 year olds?

Honestly I'm looking for a persuasive answer, I need to tell my wife something convincing or she's going to straight up kill me.

My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.

She always just drank straight from the bottle.

I keep asking people what LGBT means

I can never get a straight answer

Why do SJWs hate dentists?

Because they want to make teeth straight and white.

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

Bonus: by u/kismetpink They're straight until I get them wet
Bonus by u/Shaded_Trees: They both go limp after being warmed up

A straight flush beats a full house

A full house means urine trouble

You know why I don't trust gay people?

Because they're never straight with me

Both Golf

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker. "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "

A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...

Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one condom."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."

The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs

It's the best place place to pick up chicks.

If being gay means being happy

Then i'm still straight

A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender who shouts, Hey pal! You can't do that!"

"Bishops can only move diagonally!"

If straight couples usually end sex when the man finishes, how do lesbians know when it's time to stop?

When the scissors get dull

An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets

P N E I S

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.

A man feels sick, so he goes to his doctor...

...and has some tests run. He is told to come back a few days later. A few days pass and he returns. When the male doctor invites him into the back room, the man says, "Give it to me straight, doctor." The doctor replies, "Why, that would be impossible, we're both men!" The man cracks a smile. The doctor then states, "Besides, I don't want to catch HIV."

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight

Unless it blows?

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives?

The United States of America.

Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left?

Ten.

Ten what?

Nine

I walked up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot.

He said, "Straight?"

I said, "Yeah. So don't get any ideas, pal."

A guy walks into a bar

He orders 9 scotches, straight up.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a a lot of scotch. You must be celebrating?"

Guy: "Yes. My first blow job."

Bartender: "Well then, the tenth one is me!"

Guy: "If the first nine don't get the taste out of my mouth, ten won't either."

What will a gay politician never give you?

A straight answer.

A lawyer goes to heaven...

...and finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.

Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.

I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"

Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.

They are serious!

A boy is getting all Ds and Fs in math so his parents send him to Catholic school. On his first report card, his parents are shocked to see their son getting straight As. When his parents ask him why, he says, Well, when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they were serious.

Sam walks into his boss's office.

Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

By the way , asks the boss as Sam is getting up, which three companies are after you?

The electric company, water company, and phone company , Sam replied.

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

...you can't milk a cow for a decade straight.

Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A man walks into a bar..

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Three guys show up in heaven

Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.

The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.

St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.

When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.

The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

There is an abundance of amazement jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 89 funniest jokes and straight puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any straighten witze you can hear about straight.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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