Straight Jokes

195 straight jokes and hilarious straight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about straight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article explores the concept of straight jokes, providing a full breakdown of the term and its implication. A variety of perspectives are discussed, ranging from social and cultural to behavioral and physiological, as well as insight into the LGBTQ+ community's connection with the phrase. Furthermore, this article looks into the various idioms and interpretations surrounding the term and how it has evolved over time. We look at the straight-forward, straight-faced, straight-lined, straight-jacketed, straight-haired, straight-manned, straight-edged, straight-upped, and straight-toothed contexts of the phrase and more.

Funniest Straight Short Jokes

Short straight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The straight humour may include short direction jokes also.

  1. Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
  2. Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus. Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
  3. Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
  4. Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for... I can never get a straight answer.
  5. When I asked my daughter what she wanted for dinner, she said with a straight face, "uncooked boys." Ramen. Took me second, but I was much relieved when I figured it out.
  6. I always ask what LGBT stands for... But i never get a straight answer.
    Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).
  7. My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
  8. Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men? The Trump card.
  9. At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."
  10. I've asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for. Nobody has given me a straight answer.

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Straight One Liners

Which straight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with straight? I can suggest the ones about street and stood.

  1. If you're questioning your sexuality... You probably aren't thinking straight.
  2. I usually ask people what LGBTQ means. I never get a straight answer.
  3. Can someone please tell me what LGBTQ+ stands for? Nobody is giving me a straight answer.
  4. can someone tell me what LGBTQ means? I can't get a straight answer
  5. Do you know what LGBTQ stands for? Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer
  6. The ceo of Apple came out gay... Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight
  7. Why are gay people bad liars? They can't keep a straight face
  8. What's the worst part about being gay? You cant think straight.
  9. Why can't you argue with the LGBT community? Because they're not thinking straight.
  10. Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k? Because 3k was considered too racist.
  11. I asked my dad what it means to be gay. But he didn't give me a straight answer.
  12. Dentists are racist and homophobic. They want to make your teeth white and straight.
  13. There's three things I've never been able to get straight My sexuality, and counting
  14. I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for But I never got a straight answer
  15. Why do gay people smile so much? It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

Straight Man Jokes

Here is a list of funny straight man jokes and even better straight man puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man in a restaurant asks the waiter, "How does the chef prepare the chicken?" The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"
  • A man was protesting against gay rights... His reasoning was very straight-forward.
  • A homophobic man walks into a gay bar He gets a concussion. Turns out gay steel is just as hard as straight steel.
  • When does a heterosexual man leave a gay bar? Straight away.
  • I asked my homosexual friend what he looked for in a man. But I couldn't get a straight answer out of him...
  • What did the man say to his wife after cheating on her with a guy? I haven't been entirely straight with you.
  • What is the difference between a gay man's mustache and a straight man's mustache? The smell.
    Sorry, stole this from the movie This is 40 and I was cracking up.
  • Doc,what's really wrong with me? Tell me straight. "Well,there isn't a single thing wrong with you. Everything is perfect."
    "Good" the man replies. "Could you tell my wife that?"
  • Never trust information from a gay man. He can't give it to you straight.
  • Whats a straight mans favorite sport? Dodgeball

Straight Face Jokes

Here is a list of funny straight face jokes and even better straight face puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.
  • My friend recently came out and said he was gay. But I didn't believe him because he said it with a straight face
  • Why are closeted gay people good at poker? Because they're always putting on a straight face.
  • Why do gay people laugh a lot? Because they can never keep a straight face.
  • Why can't gay people play poker? Because they can't keep a straight face.
  • Why are gay people always so happy? 'Cause they can't keep a straight face!
  • Why is almond milk called almond milk? Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face
  • Why are gay comedians so bad at telling jokes? Because they can't keep a straight face.
  • A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16. Nuttin the dad responds with a straight face.
    Thanks Dad the son says as he gives the dad a hug.
  • I know why they call it Almond Milk Cause you can't say Nut Juice with a straight face.
Straight joke, I know why they call it Almond Milk

Straight People Jokes

Here is a list of funny straight people jokes and even better straight people puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for So far no one has given me a straight answer.
  • America is so racist and homophobic That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.
  • I asked so many people what LGBTQ+ means Nobody gave me a straight answer.
  • I've been asking people what LGBTQ means.... Nobody will give me a straight answer
  • I keep asking people what LGBT means I can never get a straight answer
  • You know why I don't trust gay people? Because they're never straight with me
  • I asked a couple of my gay friends what does LBGTQ mean? I couldn't get a straight answer…
    Bonus joke:
    How does a non-binary samurai kill people?
    (They slash them)
  • I asked a lot of people the meaning of LGBTQ .
    None of them gave me a straight answer
  • Why can't gay people rap? Because they can't spit straight bars.
  • Luke cage In marvels luke cage everyone thinks that luke has super powers because he's bullet proof.
    But bullet proof black people isn't a super power it's straight up evolution.

Straight Line Jokes

Here is a list of funny straight line jokes and even better straight line puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are lines in North Korea so straight? Because they have a supreme ruler
  • Did you hear about the new Disney FastPass? Skip the lines, go straight to the ICU
  • What do you call a crab that walks in a straight line? Drunk
  • I was drawing a graph for my report expecting a straight line. But I got a curve. What a plot twist
  • Why can't Harry Potter draw a straight line ? He can only draw Diagon Alley.
  • Why don't AT-ATs walk in a straight line? Because of General Veers.
  • If you lined up everyone on Earth in a straight line most of them would drown
  • The "circle of life" applies to life in general, your own life is more of a straight line that ends abruptly.
    (Credit James Acaster)
  • Why are lines on the lgbt flag straight? Legit question
  • How do you walk a perfect straight line during the next 7.2 magnitude earthquake? Develop Parkinsons.

Straight Forward Jokes

Here is a list of funny straight forward jokes and even better straight forward puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Ever driven a car with no steering wheel? It's pretty straight forward.
  • I like linear algebra It's straight forward
  • I'm thinking about getting into drag racing... It looks pretty straight forward.
  • What do you call a husband and wife going for a walk? Straight forward
  • I don't know what people don't get about drag racing. It's very straight forward.
  • Just give me a straight forward answer Should I pronounce it Ee-ither or eye-ther?
  • Just finished my classes on becoming a Train Conductor For the most part it's straight forward.
  • What do you call a woman that's too straight forward? Emily Blunt
  • I hate people who aren't straight.... ....forward.
  • At first I thought drag racing games would be difficult.. Turns out, they're pretty straight forward.
Straight joke, At first I thought drag racing games would be difficult..

Comical Straight Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about straight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean steady jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make straight pranks.

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have s**... with kids.

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.
Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"
Man respond, "I check obituary"
"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"
"Putin obituary be on front page"

I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
Now both of them have c**... balloons :D

In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay s**... scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene

Weinstein said that the s**... scene usually takes place before he approves a movie

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his n**... with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the b**... to try it again.

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses

She drinks straight from the bottle.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says

You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I'm a creep and need to leave the morgue immediately

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left...

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the u**... and go outside and tee off.

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.
Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.
Horrified, she straight called her mom.
"Mum, you wouldn't believe it. He only got one foot!"
The mum then yelled back at her "g**... child, be grateful! Your dad is only six inches!"

I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.

I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one c**... left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.
The Ukrainian stands up, straightens his vyshyvanka, says "Slava Ukraini!" and throws the Russian out.

My mom opened the door and caught me m**....

I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"

My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly, he said, Hello Dave! You're a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too!" I realised the problem straight away.

Bat flattery

My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses..

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.
A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?
Terrible, he said. They won't let me f**....

My 11 yo son got out the car at school the other morning, right at the moment the gritter was driving by us spraying rock salt everywhere..

He got straight back in the car, looked at me with a completely serious face and said I've just been assaulted .
ETA: thank you so much for the awards, I showed him some (SOME!) of the comments 😂 and it made his day, he was delighted that people actually enjoyed his joke to even just upvote and comment on it but actually couldn't believe that people actually awarded it too ( people gave Reddit awards to it?? For my joke?? Like, did they actually mum or are you just saying that?! so yea, thank you kind Redditors for making my 11yo extremely happy! You guys are the best 😊

Did you hear about the new pill that's supposed to turn lesbian women straight?

It's called tricoxagain.

In high school, I was dared to play gay chicken , which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay and the first one to chicken out loses...

The other guy and I are really stubborn, and neither of us wanted to lose. We've been married 14 years and run a bed and breakfast in Vermont with our adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect he is actually gay.

A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the s**... still inside?"

I lost my watch

I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while s**... harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum

What do girls with a daddy k**... call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

My lesbian sister told me that most girls are like spaghetti noodles

Straight until you get them wet.

A frustrated student handed in his exam.

"I've been writing for two hours, yet i haven't answered a single question!" he complained.
"Well done, that's a straight A." replied the Politics Teacher.

While sailing, I had trouble navigating the waters between Russia and Alaska.

I couldn't get my bearings straight.

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has s**... with young boys.

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...

...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

I met my girlfriend whilst visiting the London Zoo.

Straight away I knew she was a keeper.

What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?

The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers

What's the quickest way to kill a Circus?

Go straight for the Juggler....

How to increase your strength

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
—Beverly g**...

I have a lot of friends in the LGBTQ+ community and I kept asking them what it stands for

I couldn't get a straight answer

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.
As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.
As she walked away, I asked:
Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?
A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.
Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me f**....

Why did you ask?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s**...?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her: "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied,"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Straight joke, Why did you ask?

jokes about straight