Straight Jokes
190 straight jokes and hilarious straight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about straight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the concept of straight jokes, providing a full breakdown of the term and its implication. A variety of perspectives are discussed, ranging from social and cultural to behavioral and physiological, as well as insight into the LGBTQ+ community's connection with the phrase. Furthermore, this article looks into the various idioms and interpretations surrounding the term and how it has evolved over time. We look at the straight-forward, straight-faced, straight-lined, straight-jacketed, straight-haired, straight-manned, straight-edged, straight-upped, and straight-toothed contexts of the phrase and more.
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Funniest Straight Short Jokes
Short straight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The straight humour may include short direction jokes also.
- Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
- Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus. Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
- Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
- Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for... I can never get a straight answer.
- When I asked my daughter what she wanted for dinner, she said with a straight face, "uncooked boys." Ramen. Took me second, but I was much relieved when I figured it out.
- I always ask what LGBT stands for... But i never get a straight answer.
Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay). - My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
- At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."
- I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister. Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.
- My grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses She drinks straight from the bottle.
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Straight One Liners
Which straight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with straight? I can suggest the ones about steady and strong.
- Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k? Because 3k was considered too racist.
- I asked my dad what it means to be gay. But he didn't give me a straight answer.
- There's three things I've never been able to get straight My sexuality, and counting
- I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for But I never got a straight answer
- My sister asked me if I was gay I couldn't give her a straight answer.
- I asked my friend if he was gay He didn't give me a straight answer
- If being gay means being happy Then i'm still straight
- Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left? Ten.
Ten what?
Nine - What will a gay politician never give you? A straight answer.
- I asked a lot of people the meaning of LGBTQ .
.
None of them gave me a straight answer - What's a straight-A student's favorite type of sushi? The Honor Roll.
- I've been up all night questioning my sexuality. I just couldn't go straight to bed.
- Why do social justice warriors hate dentists? Because they make teeth straight and white.
- three straight men walk in to a bar... and come out.
- I'm allergic to sharks.. ..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.
Straight Face Jokes
Here is a list of funny straight face jokes and even better straight face puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.
- My friend recently came out and said he was gay. But I didn't believe him because he said it with a straight face
- Why are closeted gay people good at poker? Because they're always putting on a straight face.
- A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16. Nuttin the dad responds with a straight face.
Thanks Dad the son says as he gives the dad a hug. - My friend says he's not gay, but I don't believe him. He can't keep a straight face.
- I was gonna tell a 'hetero' joke for the last day of pride month.... But I couldn't keep a straight face.
- My parents didnt take me seriously when i came out It was because i couldn't keep a straight face
- Did you hear about the lesbian who couldn't stop laughing? Yeah, she couldn't keep a straight face!
- How did they catch the gay prankster? He couldn't keep a straight face.
- "I had to keep a straight face." -my bi friend who's in the closet.
Straight People Jokes
Here is a list of funny straight people jokes and even better straight people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed. If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.
- I keep seeing all these LGBTQ+ Pride signs everywhere. I ask people what they mean but can never get a straight answer.
- People say I'm just an old drunk who can't stand up straight, let alone pay my debts. But, joke is on them! My bank just notified me that I have "Outstanding Balance".
- I asked people what the Q in "LGBTQ" stands for. Fortunately someone gave me a straight answer.
- People call me lazy because I sleep 13 hours a day But to be fair, Jesus slept for three days straight and that started a religion.
- My friends 8 year old brother kept asking LGTBQ people what LGTBQ meant. He kept complaining he couldn't get a straight answer!
- What do you call a product that is not targeted at straight or gay people? A Bi-Product
- I don't know what people don't get about drag racing. It's very straight forward.
- I like my teeth like I like my people Straight and White
- Why do people in Poland always stand so straight? Cause they're poles.
Straight Line Jokes
Here is a list of funny straight line jokes and even better straight line puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the new Disney FastPass? Skip the lines, go straight to the ICU
- What do you call a crab that walks in a straight line? Drunk
- I was drawing a graph for my report expecting a straight line. But I got a curve. What a plot twist
- Why can't Harry Potter draw a straight line ? He can only draw Diagon Alley.
- Why don't AT-ATs walk in a straight line? Because of General Veers.
- If you lined up everyone on Earth in a straight line most of them would drown
- The "circle of life" applies to life in general, your own life is more of a straight line that ends abruptly.
(Credit James Acaster) - Why are lines on the lgbt flag straight? Legit question
- How do you walk a perfect straight line during the next 7.2 magnitude earthquake? Develop Parkinsons.
- What's a safety supervisor's favourite pick-up line? "Keep your knees bent and your back straight."
Straight Edge Jokes
Here is a list of funny straight edge jokes and even better straight edge puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a goth guy who likes women? A straight edge
- Chuck Norris can trisect an angle... ...With only a straight edge and a compass
- What do you call a straight edge kid taking painkillers? An oxymoron
- Why did the sXe kid get kicked out of the drum circle? Because a circle has no straight edges.
- A blacksmith is stressed So he goes into his shop and starts holding a sword straight against the grindstone. His apprentice comes in and asks
"What are you doing?"
"Oh just taking the edge off" - What did the straight edge ghost say to the bartender? No boos for me.
Straight Forward Jokes
Here is a list of funny straight forward jokes and even better straight forward puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man was protesting against gay rights... His reasoning was very straight-forward.
- Ever driven a car with no steering wheel? It's pretty straight forward.
- I like linear algebra It's straight forward
- I'm thinking about getting into drag racing... It looks pretty straight forward.
- What do you call a husband and wife going for a walk? Straight forward
- Just give me a straight forward answer Should I pronounce it Ee-ither or eye-ther?
- Just finished my classes on becoming a Train Conductor For the most part it's straight forward.
- What do you call a woman that's too straight forward? Emily Blunt
- At first I thought drag racing games would be difficult.. Turns out, they're pretty straight forward.
Comical Straight Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about straight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean correct jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make straight pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have s**... with kids.
I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.
There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.
Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.
Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"
Man respond, "I check obituary"
"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"
"Putin obituary be on front page"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay s**... scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene
Weinstein said that the s**... scene usually takes place before he approves a movie
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his n**... with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the b**... to try it again.
A joke I heard at mass
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I'm a creep and need to leave the morgue immediately
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...
But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left...
I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.
I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.
The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one c**... left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.
The Ukrainian stands up, straightens his vyshyvanka, says "Slava Ukraini!" and throws the Russian out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mom opened the door and caught me m**....
I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"
My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly, he said, Hello Dave! You're a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too!" I realised the problem straight away.
Bat flattery
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.
The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.
A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?
Terrible, he said. They won't let me f**....
My 11 yo son got out the car at school the other morning, right at the moment the gritter was driving by us spraying rock salt everywhere..
He got straight back in the car, looked at me with a completely serious face and said I've just been assaulted .
ETA: thank you so much for the awards, I showed him some (SOME!) of the comments 😂 and it made his day, he was delighted that people actually enjoyed his joke to even just upvote and comment on it but actually couldn't believe that people actually awarded it too ( people gave Reddit awards to it?? For my joke?? Like, did they actually mum or are you just saying that?! so yea, thank you kind Redditors for making my 11yo extremely happy! You guys are the best 😊
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....
"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the s**... still inside?"
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do girls with a daddy k**... call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dentists are racist and homophobic.
They want to make your teeth white and straight.
My lesbian sister told me that most girls are like spaghetti noodles
Straight until you get them wet.
While sailing, I had trouble navigating the waters between Russia and Alaska.
I couldn't get my bearings straight.
What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?
You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...
I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...
My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.
I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.
I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.
He just kept telling me it's private.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I researched about LGBT on internet today
Just couldn't get a straight answer.
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"
What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?
The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to increase your strength
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
—Beverly g**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.
I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.
As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.
As she walked away, I asked:
Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?
A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.
Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did you ask?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s**...?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her: "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied,"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
A bloke walks into a bar
And there are two Nuns playing darts. He offers to do the scoring. The first Nun hits a treble twenty with her first and second darts and double twenty with her third. The man shouts out "One hundred and sixty." The second Nun goes to throw and hits a treble twenty, a single twenty and the third dart hits the wire and rebounds straight into the Nuns eye, killing her instantly! The bloke shouts out One Nun dead and eighty."
What's the best part about having Memorial Day off?
3 straight days without a school shooting.
A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"
I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.
Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...
He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
Every day, I take the elevator to get to my office.
My office is on the 12th floor, so I always take the elevator up to the 11th floor. I would take the elevator straight to the 12th floor, but that's another story.
My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed...
I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got 6 straight hours of sleep last night…
The other 2 were gay, but at least I woke up feeling fulfilled.
What's the best thing about dating 26 year olds?
Honestly I'm looking for a persuasive answer, I need to tell my wife something convincing or she's going to straight up kill me.
My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.
I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American and a Russian were talking in a bar
The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.
"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."
Hearing this the Russian smirked
"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
Bonus: by u/kismetpink They're straight until I get them wet
Bonus by u/Shaded_Trees: They both go limp after being warmed up
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A straight flush beats a full house
A full house means u**... trouble
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Exception to the rule
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal p**... stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, First Sergeant!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Legs in the Air
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Both Golf
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a h**.... "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...
Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one c**...."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Three guys show up in heaven
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes.
I kissed her.
And now I am arrested by the police for misbehaving with the optician.
I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name...
I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name
Of Cleopatra, I straightaway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions, she conquered my regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.
My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.
There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs
It's the best place place to pick up chicks.
Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives?
The United States of America.
