The Best 94 Straight Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Straight jokes. There are some straight directly jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these straight straight jacket puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Straight Jokes and Puns
Harry Potter has way too many characters...
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
Every day, I take the elevator to get to my office.
My office is on the 12th floor, so I always take the elevator up to the 11th floor. I would take the elevator straight to the 12th floor, but that's another story.
My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed...
I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.
Why can't gay people play poker?
Because they can't keep a straight face.
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
Why are gay people bad liars?
They can't keep a straight face
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle.
The CEO of Apple came out gay...
Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight
I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.
I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.
Did you hear about the new pill that's supposed to turn lesbian women straight?
It's called tricoxagain.
You can explore straight lgbtq reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean straight upright dad jokes. There are also straight puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.
She always just drank straight from the bottle.
My lesbian sister told me that most girls are like spaghetti noodles
Straight until you get them wet.
Why do SJWs hate dentists?
Because they want to make teeth straight and white.
A joke I heard at mass
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
My sister asked me if I was gay
I couldn't give her a straight answer.
What's the worst part about being gay?
You cant think straight.
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing.
I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."ο»Ώ
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.
There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now both of them have condom balloons :D
I lost my watch
I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?
You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...
But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left...
Why are closeted gay people good at poker?
Because they're always putting on a straight face.
Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...
I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...
Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k?
Because 3k was considered too racist.
America is so racist and homophobic
That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.
A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.
In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay sex scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene
Weinstein said that the sex scene usually takes place before he approves a movie
What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?
The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers
What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has sex with young boys.
I asked my dad what it means to be gay.
But he didn't give me a straight answer.
Why do gay people laugh a lot?
Because they can never keep a straight face.
Why is almond milk called almond milk?
Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face
Dentists are racist and homophobic.
They want to make your teeth white and straight.
I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.
He just kept telling me it's private.
There's three things I've never been able to get straight
My sexuality, and counting
A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"
Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?
The Trump card.
What's the best part about having Memorial Day off?
3 straight days without a school shooting.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.
Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
What's the best thing about dating 26 year olds?
Honestly I'm looking for a persuasive answer, I need to tell my wife something convincing or she's going to straight up kill me.
My mom opened the door and caught me masturbating.
I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"
A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"
If you're questioning your sexuality...
You probably aren't thinking straight.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...
I can never get a straight answer.
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn't believe him because he said it with a straight face
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I'm a creep and need to leave the morgue immediately
I've been asking people what LGBTQ means....
Nobody will give me a straight answer
I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.
I never get a straight answer.
I researched about LGBT on internet today
Just couldn't get a straight answer.
A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....
"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"
Why can't you argue with the LGBT community?
Because they're not thinking straight.
In high school, I was dared to play gay chicken , which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay and the first one to chicken out loses...
The other guy and I are really stubborn, and neither of us wanted to lose. We've been married 14 years and run a bed and breakfast in Vermont with our adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect he is actually gay.
Why did you ask?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is sex?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her: "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied,"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
An American and a Russian were talking in a bar
The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.
"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."
Hearing this the Russian smirked
"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"
Why are lines in North Korea so straight?
Because they have a supreme ruler
I asked so many people what LGBTQ+ means
Nobody gave me a straight answer.
Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...
He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
I met my girlfriend whilst visiting the London Zoo.
Straight away I knew she was a keeper.
My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses..
She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.
I always ask what LGBT stands for...
But i never get a straight answer.
Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).
Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the urinal and go outside and tee off.
A frustrated student handed in his exam.
"I've been writing for two hours, yet i haven't answered a single question!" he complained.
"Well done, that's a straight A." replied the Politics Teacher.
Got the results for my Canadian citizenship test
Straight eh's
I've asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for.
Nobody has given me a straight answer.
I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.
Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.
My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly, he said, Hello Dave! You're a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too!" I realised the problem straight away.
Bat flattery
What's the quickest way to kill a Circus?
Go straight for the Juggler....
I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people
I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer.
How to increase your strength
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
βBeverly Gross
Do you know what LGBTQ stands for?
Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer
When I asked my daughter what she wanted for dinner, she said with a straight face, "uncooked boys."
Ramen. Took me second, but I was much relieved when I figured it out.
I asked everyone what LGBTQ+ means
So far I haven't had a straight answer
My 11 yo son got out the car at school the other morning, right at the moment the gritter was driving by us spraying rock salt everywhere..
He got straight back in the car, looked at me with a completely serious face and said I've just been assaulted .
ETA: thank you so much for the awards, I showed him some (SOME!) of the comments π and it made his day, he was delighted that people actually enjoyed his joke to even just upvote and comment on it but actually couldn't believe that people actually awarded it too ( people gave Reddit awards to it?? For my joke?? Like, did they actually mum or are you just saying that?! so yea, thank you kind Redditors for making my 11yo extremely happy! You guys are the best π
I asked a couple of my gay friends what does LBGTQ mean?
I couldn't get a straight answerβ¦
Bonus joke:
How does a non-binary samurai kill people?
They/Them
(They slash them)
I have a lot of friends in the LGBTQ+ community and I kept asking them what it stands for
I couldn't get a straight answer
I asked a lot of my gay friends what does LGBTQ+ mean.
I couldn't get a straight answer.
A beautiful joke from my better half.
This guy named John is driving to meet his best friend James who is a mechanic.
But on the way John noticed a problem and pulled over.
Knowing nothing about cars he called James
James came straight over and said I know the problem, you've got a flat mate .
John replied what's Gerald got to do with this?
My friends 8 year old brother kept asking LGTBQ people what LGTBQ meant.
He kept complaining he couldn't get a straight answer!
What is LGBTQ?
Give me a straight answer.
Can someone please tell me what LGBTQ+ stands for?
Nobody is giving me a straight answer.
Someone told me my Pride Pins were crooked.
I then asked, Did you expect them to be STRAIGHT?
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the straight straight forward jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working straight straight people piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.