Story Telling Jokes
117 story telling jokes and hilarious story telling puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about story telling that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article contains an collections of jokes that are perfect for telling stories. Whether you are looking for a funny story to share with your friends or family, or you are looking for a way to make your next presentation more enjoyable, these jokes are sure to do the trick.
Funniest Story Telling Short Jokes
Short story telling jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The story telling humour may include short tells story jokes also.
- When I was young, at bedtimes... My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
- I wanted to tell my children a story about a ship that brings cars from one side of the river to the other But then I noticed that they're too old for ferry tales.
- Gf tells me "to make love like to me like they do in the movies".. Long story short..Im due in court soon. Guess we don't watch the same kind of movies.
- If you tell a really incredible story about making money... It's an incomparable income parable.
- What the difference between a Redditor and a fisherman? When a fisherman tells a story, there's usually an element of truth to it.
- Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow" But that's a story for another day
- When a girl tells her friends that she dated a guy, it's called Kiss & Tell . But when a girl tells her friends that she dated me, it's called Coming forward with your story .
- Every time I go to a new chiropractor Every time go to a new chiropractor I have to tell them my twisted back story.
- I sat my children down to tell them the story of how i met their mother... They said "Dad, Atleast wait until Mom dies to start thinking of dating someone else...."
- I wrote a book about how to tell a believable joke story and I'm selling it on Amazon But nobody buys it.
Share These Story Telling Jokes With Friends
Story Telling One Liners
Which story telling one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with story telling? I can suggest the ones about story based and story.
- What stories did Vikings tell their children? Norsery Rhymes
- Tell a sad story in 4 words Lifetime Cleveland Browns fan
- Did I ever tell you the story about the time I climbed Mount Everest? I made it up.
- I was going to tell you a story about a rope But I'll leave you hanging
- JFK is back! He certainly has some mind-blowing stories to tell us!
- What kind of stories do big boats tell little boats? Ferry tales
- What does Michael Bay use to tell a story? Explosition.
- I hate listening to anesthesiologists tell stories. They always put me to sleep
- How do you make a skateboard? Tell boring stories while you're fishing.
- My girlfriend is not great at telling stories... I never hear the end of it.
- What kind of story does a rabbit tell? A fluffy tale.
- Why couldn't the Great Ape tell a story? Because he doesn't have a tail.
- "You know what happens when you assume?" "Your mom tells the story of your conception"
- What is truly pointless? To tell a bald guy a hair raising story.
- What kind of stories does Eli Whitney tell on Easter? Cottontales
Hilarious Story Telling Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about story telling you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean short story jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make story telling pranks.
There are 12 things, people do when they haven't prepared a speech.
They lie, tell stories and exaggerate.
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...
"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Be careful of your aim
A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy
who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...
I moved over and asked her why she was crying.
"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.
I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."
I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."
"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."
-----
Steve Wright
Question about storytelling.
If I stand on stage, with four spotlights behind me, no matter how I tell the story, is everything I do going to be four - shadowed?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some b**... and groaning from the other side of the door.
She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "
Whose point is it anyway?
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
A day in court....
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce?"
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well one story is I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a cousin-couple how they felt about their relationship.
The man replied "its a very personal story", but I i**... they tell me.
I watched a documentary on Jesus the other day.
It was brilliant. Never had I experienced such thought provoking story telling in a documentary.
I particularly enjoyed the end. I think they absolutely nailed it.
I spent last night shouting at my psychiatrist
Long story short he's convinced I have delusions of being a pony... I'd tell you more, but I'm a little hoarse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mongolian man tells his friend a story
When I came home late last night, I found my wife with another man. I was furious, and to hold myself back, I sat down and drank from a bottle that was left on the table. Then, I sang a song to cheer myself up. When I felt a little better, I looked around, and said to myself, s**..., this isn't my house,'.
A dog lays by the railroad tracks..
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
So I'm on break enjoying a cigarette...
This busy body comes up to me and says, "You know those things will kill you!"
So I tell him that my grandfather lived to be 96 years old.
He replies, "Oh, did he smoke?"
"No he minded his own F-ing' business!"
*Old joke, but true story.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...
I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, o**... got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
I asked, "Did he drown?"
The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"
Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company?
I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
75 story hotel
Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a . After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.
Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."
The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.
"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."
(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR d**...
Math tells us three of the saddnest love stories
1)Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever.
2)Parallel lines who were never meant to meet.
3)Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.
A 96 year old man...
After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.
What kinds of stories do dolphins tell around the campfire?
They're just ghost stories for all in tents and porpoises.
If 2 vegans are having an argument....
True life story.
Patient: Can I tell you a joke
Me: Sure.
Patient: If 2 vegans are having an argument, is there still beef between them?
No eating disorders were harmed or diagnosed in the course of this joke.
I was going to tell you about the people in the apartment upstairs...
But that's another story.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does the Cincinnati gorilla story tell us?
It's the first time that black-on-black crime made national (even international) news.
Manatees
A Spanish sailor and a French sailor are talking at a port bar together. The French sailor tells the Spanish sailor that he's been hearing stories of mermaids from the English sailors. The Spanish sailor says that mermaids are just a myth and the English just mistook manatees for mermaids. The French sailor asks how could you mistake a manatee for a mermaid? The Spanish sailor responds "Have you seen English women?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Trap
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.
I had a friend buy a European car and he kept telling me about it breaking down.
I had to tell him that I didn't want to hear anymore of his Saab stories.
The dwarfs from Snow White want to tell their story
They've signed a seven-figure book deal
When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar.
Edit (back story): the origin of this joke came from a road trip back when I was in highschool (about 17 years ago). My buddy left the car door open and the dash displayed "the door is ajar". He thought it was funny, since we're use to seeing the "door open" icon and wouldn't stop telling the joke.
Not surprised it's been heard / told before but just happen to never hear it from any other source.
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandfather is telling his grandson war stories...
Grandfather: Did I ever tell you about the time we destroyed the opposing forces?
Grandson: I don't think you have...
Grandfather: it was hundred to two... Clearly outmatched. But we destroyed them both!
A group of friends all live on the 200th floor of a building
One day they all come back from a trip and find out that the elevator to their floor has shut down and is under repair, so they're forced to take the long walk up the stairs.
To make the walk up a little more exciting, they decide to each tell a sad, terrifying, or depressing story every 20 floors. When they finally get to the top, the tenth friend gets to tell his story.
"I think I left the keys in the car."
My friend from the middle east was telling me his story about how he left his home country. The story is rather short , all he said was...
Iran away.
I asked my dad how I was born
Me: Dad, how was I born ?
Dad: It's a really long story
Me: (all excited) Tell me..I wana hear it
Dad: Once upon a time, it was a cold night and all the pharmacies were closed....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cosmonaut's s**... story
I always knew that I wanted to be as astronaut , even when I was a little boy. However, I knew my father would not be supportive of me because he would always tell me "The sky's the limit!"
Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?
Iran.
Oman the whole story is ridiculous.
I basically had to Qatar cross the border.
Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.
I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.
Honestly I could tell you more but it Kuwait.
Based on a true story (programming, walks into a bar)
Two programmers walk into a bar. The Python programmer orders an orange juice. The C programmer gets a look of disgust and says "You're in a bar! You should order an alcoholic drink!" The Python programmer gets his juice, pulls out his wallet, and pays for his drink. The C programmer tells the bartender, "I want a hard whiskey, and put it on my tab." The Python programmer gets a look of disgust and shouts "Tab?!?"
My wife's pregnant
90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!
Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks
Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!
Some Roman soldiers are sitting in a bar, exchanging stories
One of the soldiers tell the others:
"I had the easiest shift the other night, just had to make sure this dead guy didn't crawl out of his tomb- slept through the whole thing."
As the soldier finishes, Jesus walks into the bar.
"April fool's"
The Oxymoron poem
Ladies and Gentlemen; hobos and Tramps; bug eyed mosquitos and legged ants: I come here before you to stand behind you to tell you a story I know nothing of.
One cold dark day in the middle of the night two dead boys stood up to fight, back to back they face each other, drew their swords and shot each-other! The deaf policeman heard this noise and came and killed those two dead boys.
Now if you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it to.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did I ever tell you the story of when I met the woman with the tightest v**... ever?
She was bragging about it at a bar.
I told her I didn't believe her and to prove it.
She took me to her car and said, "Put a finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put another finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your hand in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your other hand in" so I did that too.
The she said "Now clap" and I said "I CAN'T"
And she said "Tight ain't I ?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not the smartest student ever so I tried something a little risky to get a better grade...
I got a D- on my recent English test and my dad wasn't very happy with my mark. I asked my teacher if I could do a s**... favour for her to get a B+. She got very offended. My classmates didn't think that was okay either, and they stopped talking to me for a few weeks.
If you guys want, I can tell more stories about my homeschooling
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The 16-yo son returns home at 10am the next day..
.. The Father asks angrily: "Son, where have you been for such a long time?"
Son replies: "Dad, I'm not a v**... anymore!"
The father in relaxed tone: "Son, sit down and tell me the whole story".
The son replies: "Telling the story OK, but sitting NO!"
A man and his cheating wife
The mans wife tries to think of a funny way to tell her husband that's she's cheating on him with his best friend.
John, have you seen Toy Story?
Yeah of course, that's random, why'd you ask? he replies.
She confesses -
Because you've got a friend in me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom, how did I come to this world?
A kid asked his mother:
\- Mom, how did I come to this world?
\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.
\- From that seed - she continued - we grew m**... plant, then smoked some w**... and had s**... on the washing machine...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife got mad after telling this story.
You can make yours mad too. And this is the story:
I got on this bus on my way home from work. I noticed this young boy and g**... the far end. First it was the usual kissing. Then the girl got touchy, what baffles me is it seems to be normal to others. Then the unthinkable happened, the girl pulled her shirt up and showed a breast. The boy s**... it immediately. I can tell, the girl's on her early 20's. The boy? Around 6 months.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandfather tells his grandchild one of his stories from WW2
Grandfather : "Our squad was once captured by the enemy, half of us were r**..., the other half got brutally killed."
Grandchild : "Which half were you part of grandpa' ?"
Grandfather : "Pfft, is that even a question ? Obviously the latter !"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is telling a story to his friend.
He says:
- So last night I was at that s**... girl's place, and we were talkin' dirty. And at one point she blindfolded herself and said "Do what you want!". So, y'know, I grabbed her phone and laptop and walked out...
At that point, his friend starts laughing. The first guy replies:
- What you laughin' at? If you were there, we could have taken the TV!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was sat opposite a girl yesterday, for the life of me I couldn't remember her name.
I decided to just be honest and tell her, "I'm sorry but what was your name again".
"Jessica" she said. "Do you have trouble remembering girls names" she added in a wry way.
"Only the ugly ones" I blurted out.
Anyway to cut a long story short I didn't get the job.
An old man goes to see his doctor
An old man goes to see his doctor. During his examination, the old man says that God is watching over him. He says that during the night, he went to the bathroom. When he opened the door, the light opened and when he closed the door, the light turned off.
Perplexed, the doctor asks the old man's wife about the incident. After telling her the story, she says :
"Oh no! Don't tell me he peed in the fridge again!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
My friend works at an Italian restaurant. Today, he over-fried the food while trying to tell us a ghost story.
Guess it's crispy-pasta now.
Two old men are sitting around telling stories...
Did I ever tell you about my run-in with a grizzly bear?
If you did, I don't remember
Well, I was walking along this trail when out of nowhere a grizzly bear jumped out at me! RAWRRRRRRR!
Oh my god! What happened?
I crapped my pants
Well, that's understandable. That sounds horrifying
No! Just now, when I went 'RAWRRRR!' I crapped my pants
True Rosh Hashanah story
This is an actual conversation between my non-Jewish friend and his Jewish wife many years ago, before his first time going to High Holiday services:
Husband: So, can you tell me what to expect at Rosh Hashanah services?
Wife: It's a great ceremony. The best part is when they blow the shofar!
H: I'll drive.
Probably 30 years later and it still makes me laugh. And they're still together.
So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..
His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds
A guy goes to a New Year's Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.
A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes go by, he realizes he is not in the food line at all. He asks his friend about if this is the right line. Oh, no, the friend said...
This is the punchline.
Mothers day scultpures
Ellis and Chris are up late carving sculptures of a mother holding a baby for their Mothers Day stall.
All of them look the same the only differences are the flowers in the mother's hair.
Chris tells a story to Ellis about his favorite flower and why.
*Ellis rolls his eyes*
Chris: "What's YOUR favorite flower Ellis?"
Ellis sighs, gets up, and walks over to their finished pieces, picks one up and gets a splinter in his thumb.
Ellis puts the sculpture down and looks at Chris.
Chris: "So?"
Ellis turns around and as he walks out of the room he replies:
"Chris...sand the mums."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.
First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."
Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."
Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was the name of the book?" Third Pupil, with a big grin: "Winnie The s**...!"
Why does a Patisserie thief always tell the most remarkable stories?
They always take the cake.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it's running rough.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just c**... in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.
The secret to a good marriage
It was grandparents day at school.
"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.
"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now. So I asked him , what was his secret. He looked at me, thought a bit and began. son there only one single thing to a good marriage...."
The whole class seemed to hold their breath. Everything seemed to stand still.
" And when I find out what that is, I will get married again".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drunk guy at a bar
So there's a drunk guy at a bar and all of a sudden he starts to v**.... Oh no, I vomited on my t-shirt, my wife is gonna kill me! Says the drunkard. Let me help you with that , says the bartender. The bartender goes to the drunk guy and says: tell your wife some idiot vomited on your t-shirt and gave you 10 dollar for the inconvenience. Off he goes, the drunk guy.. he tells his wife the story and hands her 20 dollar. But you said 10 dollar , replies his wife. Yes but the idiot also s**... in my pants!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A trap set by wife for husband and the maid
one evening she suddenly sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell the husband. that night when they went to bed **husband** gave same old story "*excuse me my dear, my stomach& went to bathroom.* the wife promptly went into maid's bed & switched off the lights. when in he came silently he wasted no time on words but quickly started having s**... when he finished
the **wife** switched on the light & said : **u didn't expect me in this bed, did u?**
**"no madam said the watchman"!!**
More of a story than a joke, but it's worth it.
Tony, a friend and mentor of mine (a dad figure) used to start talking about his fantastic new hearing aid, telling anyone who would listen about how everything sounded so clear to him now that he had this new device. He would say, "It's a new kind; it's NOT a MiracleEar." Of course once he told them what it was not, the natural response generally followed, "What kind is it?"
All this set-up and he would check his watch and respond, "About 4:30" (or whatever time it was)
