Story Jokes
151 story jokes and hilarious story puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about story that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article dives into the art of story jokes: the heartwarming jokes that will retain the audience's attention longer than one-liners. Learn how to craft the perfect story joke to add an extra spark to your novels or stand-up routine.
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Funniest Story Short Jokes
Short story jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The story humour may include short scene jokes also.
- I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa. Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rain down in Africa. - Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... bear with me...
- Vandals have attacked the National Origami museum in Tokyo... We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...
- My son accidentally glued his autobiography to himself That's his story and he's sticking to it.
- My husband said our infant son could microwave... And then shook his arm really fast.
(True story, please groan with me.) - My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame I love a protagonist with a twisted back story
- I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"
- My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....
Heads or Tales. - Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building. It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.
- The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore... Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano
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Story One Liners
Which story one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with story? I can suggest the ones about fiction and headline.
- i think the story of noah's life was a bit boring But it did have a nice arc
- Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds!
- What's the highest story of any building? Floor 20
- In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ... the entire story is the sub-plot.
- I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography. That's the story of my life.
- Ohio is stealing my life story A series of train wrecks in an already depressed area
- How long does it take to reach the ground from 110 stories up? The rest of your life.
- What stories did Vikings tell their children? Norsery Rhymes
- Why is the book so thick? Long story
- What kind of building is the tallest? Libraries, because they have the most stories!
- What's an Ethiopian's favorite book? "My Life And Other Short Stories"
- Tell a sad story in 4 words Lifetime Cleveland Browns fan
- What do you call a boring story about global warming? Anti-climatic
- Reddit, no matter how much I love cake... ...I would never dessert you.
- I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event! More on this story as it develops
Tells Story Jokes
Here is a list of funny tells story jokes and even better tells story puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was young, at bedtimes... My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
- I wanted to tell my children a story about a ship that brings cars from one side of the river to the other But then I noticed that they're too old for ferry tales.
- Gf tells me "to make love like to me like they do in the movies".. Long story short..Im due in court soon. Guess we don't watch the same kind of movies.
- If you tell a really incredible story about making money... It's an incomparable income parable.
- What the difference between a Redditor and a fisherman? When a fisherman tells a story, there's usually an element of truth to it.
- Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow" But that's a story for another day
- Did I ever tell you the story about the time I climbed Mount Everest? I made it up.
- I was going to tell you a story about a rope But I'll leave you hanging
- When a girl tells her friends that she dated a guy, it's called Kiss & Tell . But when a girl tells her friends that she dated me, it's called Coming forward with your story .
- Every time I go to a new chiropractor Every time go to a new chiropractor I have to tell them my twisted back story.
Story Telling Jokes
Here is a list of funny story telling jokes and even better story telling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I sat my children down to tell them the story of how i met their mother... They said "Dad, Atleast wait until Mom dies to start thinking of dating someone else...."
- I wrote a book about how to tell a believable joke story and I'm selling it on Amazon But nobody buys it.
- JFK is back! He certainly has some mind-blowing stories to tell us!
- What kind of stories do big boats tell little boats? Ferry tales
- I'll tell you a weird story about a pig's behind, but... I've got to warn you; it's a twisted tale.
(tail) - What does Michael Bay use to tell a story? Explosition.
- What's the difference between Monkeys and Apes? Monkeys are better at telling stories because they have Tales.
- At the zoo my daughter asked me how to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile. I told her to just ask it to tell you a story If it doesn't sound true then it's a croc.
- Why does a Patisserie thief always tell the most remarkable stories? They always take the cake.
- I had a friend buy a European car and he kept telling me about it breaking down. I had to tell him that I didn't want to hear anymore of his Saab stories.
True Story Jokes
Here is a list of funny true story jokes and even better true story puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn't a fortune inside. I thought to myself, that's unfortunate. -True story
- While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back. I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"
-true story, just happened. - I told my sister that if you rearrange the letters in 'vanilla' you get 'pirate' Her: no you don't
Me: yes, 'a villain' with a missing i.
Note: true story - Pickup line : hello, are you lactose intolerant? Just wanted to make sure, my pickup line is very chessy. .
I used that once...she laughed...her husband laughed i walked away...true story btw - Me: I should have married for brains instead of beauty. Wife: I don't get it
(True story) - I put a beaker of sodium hydroxide on a biography. It was base on a true story.
- I asked my dad for some words of wisdom... He said I can't, I got those taken out years ago. (True story)
- My brother and I ran out of protein powder. I turned to him and said, "no whey....."
(true story) - *true story. I dropped an egg on my feet while cooking breakfast I guess the yolk's on me...
- In my house my kids call me Sir Get me a drink Sir Vent.
Might not be funny, but it's original..... And a true story.
Long Story Jokes
Here is a list of funny long story jokes and even better long story puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked a girl to come back to my place and as she was looking through my books... She asked, "How come you've got so many copies of 'War and Peace'?"
I replied, "It's a long story..." - My son was watching me read War and Peace , and asked me, Why is the book so thick? I said, Well, ..it's a long story.
- How do winter solstice enthusiasts stay entertained during the long night? They gather around a bonfire and swap stories of winter magic.
- A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"
Man: "Well, it's a long story." - A little boy asked his dad, "why is the book so thick?" "It's a long story son."
- Last September my wife asked me to put a load in the dishwasher. So long story short, happy fathers day to me.
- A man over heard my conversation about GameStop stock and asked me what'a this fuss all about? I said, Do you want the long or the short story?
- My dad has the heart of a lion Long story short he is no longer allowed in a zoo
- To cut a long story short, I became a film editor.
- Fortune cookie: "Every exit can be an entry" Long story short:
My girlfriens said no...
Uproarious Story Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about story you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean plot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make story pranks.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...
"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."
Every day, I take the elevator to get to my office.
My office is on the 12th floor, so I always take the elevator up to the 11th floor. I would take the elevator straight to the 12th floor, but that's another story.
Rick Astley asked for my Disney films the other day.
I said, you can have Cars and Toy Story, but I'm never gonna give you Up.
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A story about a r**... and a Game Warden.
A r**... with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it's fish.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the r**.... "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The r**... said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man.
I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The r**... released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the r**....
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the r**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...
I moved over and asked her why she was crying.
"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.
I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."
I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."
"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."
-----
Steve Wright
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some b**... and groaning from the other side of the door.
She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Corniest joke I know.
Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners p**... mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the p**... mansion seeing two friars outside.
Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.
The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Badum psh
Whose point is it anyway?
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"
My wife wasn't happy.
True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny saw two dogs having s**... in the park...
... so he asks his mother what's going on.
The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the d**... in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."
Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"
The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"
"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting s**...."
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The people on the internet are so friendly....
o**... called me bro, and he even said my story was cool.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mongolian man tells his friend a story
When I came home late last night, I found my wife with another man. I was furious, and to hold myself back, I sat down and drank from a bottle that was left on the table. Then, I sang a song to cheer myself up. When I felt a little better, I looked around, and said to myself, s**..., this isn't my house,'.
Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
A dog lays by the railroad tracks..
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter saw me eating prosciutto
True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."
I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"
"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was having s**... with a girl from work...
She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.
Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue.
My son asked me to explain what coloring eggs had to do with the story of Easter...
"You see, son, we color Easter eggs to remind us that Jesus dyed for our sins."
Niels Bohr (true story)
a true story (supposedly)
A man goes to visit Niels Bohr, and sees a horseshoe hanging over Bohr's door (a scandinavian superstition).
The man says, "But Niels, you are a scientist! Surely you do not believe in this superstition?"
Niels replies, "Of course I don't believe in it!"
The man is confused. "Why do you have it if you don't believe in it?"
Bohr replies, "It is supposed to work, even if you don't believe in it!"
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car
But I didn't want to hear his Saab story
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are news readers secretly insulting you?
**m**... this story later.**
Harry was blind...
... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between w**... from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
A woman must walk 5 paces behind...
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
I live with my wife in a two story house...
"I'm too tired" and "I have a headache" are the only two stories I hear...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man cheats with his wife's sister
Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there n**... on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up
Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.
They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay...
This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.
If you watch 127 Hours backwards
It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My brother broke down crying and told me about how he was abused by a priest when we were kids.
It was a very touching story.
A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.
A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The only catch was the story had to include three subjects:
1: Religion
2: Sexuality
3: Mystery
Below is the only A* essay.
"Good god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: sure, why not! So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
My wife's pregnant
90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!
I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...
and then the plot thickens.
So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...
so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.
After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"
"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."
The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"
"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you not long ago."
The girl felt her own face and then her granddad's again, thought for a moment and then said, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on
Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called w**... and Buzz too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom, how did I come to this world?
A kid asked his mother:
\- Mom, how did I come to this world?
\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.
\- From that seed - she continued - we grew m**... plant, then smoked some w**... and had s**... on the washing machine...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?
He was one of the heroes who fought in the t**... War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel. So you may have heard of Achilles' heel, or the Achilles' tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was m**... and I shot the dog."
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"
He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."
(True story)
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"
The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
My wife is leaving me because she's fed up with me talking like a news anchor.
More on this story later...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This season of Earth is not realistic
So many plot holes. Like, where did the m**... hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?
I'm feeling Lost.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..
His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds
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A detective story
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle
11:45 - Found m**... weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
Toilet brush
Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...
So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.
Naturally my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she's alright, had she hurt herself? No she said, I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper
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Awwww
If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.
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Drunk guy at a bar
So there's a drunk guy at a bar and all of a sudden he starts to v**.... Oh no, I vomited on my t-shirt, my wife is gonna kill me! Says the drunkard. Let me help you with that , says the bartender. The bartender goes to the drunk guy and says: tell your wife some idiot vomited on your t-shirt and gave you 10 dollar for the inconvenience. Off he goes, the drunk guy.. he tells his wife the story and hands her 20 dollar. But you said 10 dollar , replies his wife. Yes but the idiot also s**... in my pants!
The Story of Creation as told by Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy, and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.
Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the t**..., and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.
Kid: Santa, what's the story of your reindeer names?
Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!
Kid: What about Donner?
*A dark countenance settles on Santa's face*
Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...
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I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't e**... ears!"
"My mask will fall off!"
(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar(a joke)
She says,
"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"
The Russian replies,
"I work for KGB."
"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"
"About me or about you?"
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
..... HE WON !!
a long fish story
An ichthyology student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How are the studies going?" the bartender asks. "Really great. In fact, right now I'm working on my thesis to explain why koi fish always swim in groups of four," the student replies. "Why do they do that?" the bartender asks. "Well, in the wild, if a group of four koi are attacked by a predator, the odds are good that let's say the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi will all escape to reproduce and live another day," the student says. "Because the predator will always go for the D koi."
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Andy's Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.
They may even be called w**... and Buzz.
[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding
Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to find and bring with. Just nothing seems all that funny, any ideas? Sorry if this is the wrong subreddit, feel free to delete!
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Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on the channel 3 news
I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her a**... in the corner of the screen
