storm Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious storm puns

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We'll take the aliens, you get the predators

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

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A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

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Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

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Why did the Storm Trooper decide to buy an Iphone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!

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The new priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done.

The Bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday the priest took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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God's Vacation

God decides he'd like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks,

"Pete, I need a vacation, being God is fucking stressful. Where should I go?"

St. Peter says, "well Pluto has good skiing."

God shakes his head fervently and replies, "no way, I broke my leg there once."

Next, St. Peter suggests Jupiter - "there's an eons-long storm that could be fun."

God says, "no way, I almost got struck by lightning there last time"

So then, St. Peter suggests Earth - "you can do just about anything there."

God fires back, "Fuck that, Pete. I went there 2000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish chick and they're still fucking talking about it!"

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A pirate walks into a bar one day...

...And he sees his old captain sitting down having a drink. So he goes up to say hello and catch up, but he notices that his old captain looks a little different. So he goes over to talk to him. "Captain," he says, "I haven't seen you in years. It's good to see you, but man, you look a little different. I notice that you have a wooden leg! What happened?"
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Ya see during a fearsome storm, a huge wave hit me boat, and my leg got trapped under a chain, and ripped it off, so I had to get this here peg leg."
"Wow" says the pirate. "That's terrible. But what happened to your hand? You have a hook now!"
"Gyarr," says the captian, "You be correct. Ya see I was captured by the enemy one day, and they were forcin me to walk the plank, but I turned back and tried to escape, and they cut me hand off, and I had to get this here hook."
Wincing, the pirate says "Christ! Now what happened to your eye? You have a glass eye now."
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Well, as I was sailing the sea one day, I happened to look up, and a seagull pooped right in my eye."
Confused, the pirate responds "Well, captain, that sounds bad, but that wouldn't make you lose your eye."
"True," pines the captain, "But it was the first day with me hook."

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A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad.

He will be missed.

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A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.

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A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars..

He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am going to buy all of my children their own homes. Next, I am going to buy myself a nice car. Then I am going to set-up college funds for my grandchildren. After all the I am going to build a huge statue of Hitler in my front yard." The reporters all get quiet until someone finally says "Sir, you just said you wanted to build a tribute to Hitler, why on earth after all he had done to our people would you do this?" Ira pauses, looks him in the eye, rolls up his sleeve and says "Simple, he gave me the numbers."

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First day at Navy school.

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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A new recruit in the Navy was being put through the paces by an experienced captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the recruit replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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A naval officer and a pirate meet in an inn...

The naval officer notices that the pirate has a wooden leg, hook hand, and eyepatch. They begin chatting over drinks, and the officer asks, "So, how did you get the wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were caught in a big storm at sea and I got swept overboard into shark-infested waters. And one of the sharks bit my leg off."

"Man, that sucks," the officer remarked, "but why do you have a hook for a hand?"

"It was sliced off by an enemy swordsman when my ship tried to take their ship."

"How terrible!" the man exclaimed. "And the eyepatch?"

The pirate sighed. "Seagull poop fell into me eye."

The man said disbelievingly, "You lost your eye to seagull shit?"

The pirate replied, "Well, it was me first day with the hook!"

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Why are storm troopers so clingy?

Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.

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Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

He couldn't find the droid he was looking for.

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Hubby Went Fishing

Hubby told wifey,"going fishing early tomorrow morning." and she said,"Calling for rain." and he said,"No biggie,water won't bother me. I'm going,rain or shine." So,4:00 a.m. he hooks up his boat and just as he leaves the driveway,big storm hit. Rain,hail,high winds,so he backed his boattrailer back in and put everything away and quietly slipped back into bed with his wifey.
He whispered as she moved next to him,'its horrible weather out there, really rough." and she said,"Yeah,and my stupid husband is out in that shit."

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If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

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A blonde in a snowstorm

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

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This is why priests don't drink

SIPPING VODKA

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10...
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body.." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' I dueled the ship's captain. I bested him but not before he took me hand clean off. So I got a hook to replace it."
The first mate was only more impressed, "So what's the story behind the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"That's all? You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
"Well, it was me first day with the hook."

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A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm From behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?'
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you it took him forever to get it up there, and it hurt!'
'Poor baby,' says the wife. 'You were probably nervous and tense and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository, I don't mind.'
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his shoulder to brace him and with the right hand, quickly and easily slips the suppository up her husbands rear end. The husband lets out a bloodcurdling scream.
'My god' says the wife. 'What happened? Did I hurt you?'
'No!' Cries the man,'but I just remembered that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH his hand on my shoulders.

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So a fisherman and his wife...

...have lived together in a modest home for years now. Every morning the man wakes up before sunrise to go fishing without fail. One morning he sees a storm has rolled in and the sea is violent, he decides for the first time in in years not to fish.

He makes his way back to home through the rain and lightning. He slowly slides back into bed with his wife. When he finally gets all tucked in, his wife whispers "I glad you're back" to which the fisherman replies "Me too". The peaceful silence that followed was interrupted by a loud crack of thunder. The wife whispers "Can you believe my husband is fishing in this shit?"

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How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

Just look for the fresh prints.

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What did the stormtrooper say to Luke Skywalker when he saw him?

I've missed you so much!

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An apple

A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.

Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.

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A plane passes through a fierce storm...

In a transatlantic flight, the turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse whenone wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! I've had it! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous β€” tall, built with long, flowing balck hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers: "Iron this."

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If Black Panther and Storm had kids, what would they be called?

Thunder Cats.

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I stormed into my boss's office and demanded to know why I had been overlooked for the position of Head of Accounting..

He replied, "Because you're the fucking janitor, Steve."

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Why do Stormtroopers never laugh?

Because they always miss the joke

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A stormtrooper and a redshirt get into a fight.

The stormtrooper missed every shot.

The redshirt died anyway.

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2 Stormtrooper are eating a Wookie steak

it was chewy

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We had a big storm on the weekend, we had a blackout and you couldn't go outside. After a while the batteries on my laptop and phone had run out so I read the newspaper and finished my latest book. After that there was nothing to do so I sat down and talked to my wife for an hour or so.

She seems quite nice.

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Two Flies in a bar

One fly is sitting at the bar and his friend walks in shivering, covered in frost.

"What's happened to you?" he asks.

"I rode down in here in a big guy's mustache. He got on his motorcycle and just muscled through the storm." The second fly responded.

"Oh, well next time, what you should do is find a beautiful woman with a big bush, snuggle in there and you'll be fine the whole trip."


The next day the first fly is waiting at the bar and the second fly comes in shivering and covered in frost again.

"What happened, didn't you take my advice?" he asks.

"I did, I did," the second fly responds. "I went to sleep nestled down in the bush, and when I woke up I was back in the Biker's Mustache again"

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the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to.

If you tell the Navy "Secure that building!"
They will turn out the lights, close and lock all doors and windows and post a fire watch

If you tell the Air Force "Secure that building!"
They will take out a 30 year lease with an option to buy.

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Stormy Daniels' testimony: "I felt this huge dick come into me..."

"But I never quite felt his penis."

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feeling like a woman

A plane is passing through a storm when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman freaks out and screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be satisfying. I've had plenty of sex, but I've never been fulfilled. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."

so sorry girls

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A massive hailstorm ravages a town...

...leaving plenty of damage in its wake. A blonde takes her hailstone-dented car to a body shop to have the dents removed.

The body shop owner is already swamped with work due to the storm, and decides to have some fun with her. He tells the blonde: "You know, you don't have to pay me to have these removed. All you have to do is go home and blow into the tailpipe - all of your dents will pop out."

The blonde drives home, parks in her driveway, and blows into the tailpipe. Over and over she tries and tries, huffing and puffing but to no avail. The girl's roommate, another blonde, arrives home to see the first blonde laying in the driveway completely winded and asks what's going on. The first blonde explains what the mechanic told her, before ending with "I've been at this for an hour, but it's not working."

Roommate looks at the car for a moment before turning to the first blonde and says, "no duh it's not working! Your windows are open!!"

EDIT - grammar

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An Irishman at the bar. Heavy NPR listeners might have heard this one.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."

"But ya fuck one goat.."

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There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens.

After the storm he asked his farm hand how many chickens were left.

16 chickens, sir.

Alright, round them up, please.

20 chickens, sir.

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A pirate at the local bar discusses his past.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

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A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....

A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.

He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"

A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."

The Captain replied, "Great, you keep praying while the rest of us put our life jackets on.......we are short of one!"

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Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

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Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone?

He couldn't find the droid he was lookin' for.

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Why did the Stormtrooper settle on an iPhone?

He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

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Sign Language

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was
about
to
take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up
to
my
wife, "Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear me and she shouted back,
"What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking
motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then
she
points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?




"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

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Two old men are sitting in a field.

One turns to the other one and says, "You see that barn over there? That's a nice, sturdy barn. It could weather any storm Mother Nature throws at it. I built that barn with my own two hands, you know. Do they call me John the Barn Builder? No. No they don't." Next, John points to the fence next to the barn and says, "And look at that fence over there. It stretches for miles in either direction. Nothing is getting in or over that fence. I made that fence with my own two hands as well. Do they call me John the Fence Maker? No. No they don't." Finally, John turns towards a nearby lake and says, "And look at that lake. I must have caught every kind of fish imaginable in that lake. Probably spent more time on that lake than I have on dry land. Do they call me John the Fisherman? No. No they don't." John pauses. "But you fuck ONE goat..."

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Why do stormtroopers make good drivers?

They won't ever hit anything.

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A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the distance we saw a flash of lightning and decided to get the kids inside.
As we were running towards the house, my niece dropped the dolphin toy and the wind got ahold of it and blew it across the yard. Fearing it would blow away and be lost forever, i frantically chased after it, but to no avail, it jumped the fence but came to rest in the neighbors rosebush. Some of the thorns had punctured the thin plastic and, upon examination, i saw air escaping through 3 small holes in the side.
"Well, I guess that deflates the porpoise."

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Why did the stormtroppers buy iPhone?

Cuz they couldn't find the droids they were looking for

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Why do stormtroopers always make the best boyfriends?

Because they always miss you.

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An Englishman, An American and A Korean are on a ship...

The ship is in stormy waters, when suddenly a genie appears from the waves and tells them "I'm sorry, but you men will die in this storm. I have no power to prevent your death, but as some recompense I can grant you all one wish before you perish"

The three great friends begin to think before answering the genie.

The American answers first "I want the chance to sing the great national anthem of America one last time in full, and please genie allow the storm to quieten so that my friends may hear this wonderful tune and enjoy it"

The genie replies that he can grant this wish

The Korean next asks "It would make my last moments on this earth perfect if I could one last time eat the traditional food of my country, some sour and spicy cabbage soup, along with salted blood sausage and ice noodles - but I want enough so that I can share the last meal with my friends.

"It will be done" answers the genie

Finally the British man speaks up.

"Please kill me before the song and the food:"

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A British guy, a French guy, a Texan, and a Mexican are all on a boat together.

They sail on for a while, when suddenly a storm breaks loose. The boat begins to fill with water. Realizing that sinking in inevitable, the Brit screams "God save the Queen!", and then jumps off.

They remaining three are fine for a while, but water is still pouring into the boat. Realizing that sinking is once again inevitable, the French dude screams "Viva la France!" and jumps into the water.

Once again, the boat survives, until even more water starts to pour in. Worried, the Texan screams "Remember the Alamo!", and throws the Mexican off the boat.

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A sailor walks into a bar

He orders a drink and notices there's a mean, weather beaten pirate next to him at the bar. The pirate has a hook, a peg leg, and an eye patch. After a few drinks the sailor gets the courage to ask the pirate how he lost his leg.

The pirate tells him, "We were in the midst of a raging storm, a wave crashed over the deck and swept me off inter the sea. Before I was rescued, a shark swam up and bit off me leg!"

"That's quite the story" the sailor responds. "What about the hook?"

"Arr, we were boarding a vessel, swords were flying, and in the fray, I got me hand chopped off!"

"Wow, that's another impressive story. What's the story behind the eye patch?"

"It twas a beautiful day, while I was gazing up at the clear blue sky, a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!"

"You lost your eye to bird poop?" the sailor asks incredulously.

"Well," responds the pirate, "It twas the first day with me hook..."

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Stormy Daniels says Donald Trump paid $130,000 hush money to cover up an affair. Do you believe the bleached blond with big tits?

Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?

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I think Chris Brown should be a storm trooper in the next Star Wars.

Maybe he can actually hit somebody.

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A long joke about a monastery and a strange noise.

A travelling salesman is driving along a dusty backroad to his next sale, when his car starts belching smoke. He sees storm clouds coming his way and night is falling soon. Getting out of the car he looks around for shelter and sees an antiquated old monastery on a hill not 5 minutes walk away. He heads over and knocks on the door just as the rain starts falling and a kindly monk answers.
"Hi, my car is broken down on the road" says the salesman, "and I see a storm coming in. Can I stay the night and call a tow truck in the morning? I won't be any trouble..."
"not at all my good man" the kindly monk replied, "Come in! Come in! Lets get you a hot meal and some dry clothes!"

So the salesman is ushered into the church and given a wonderful bowl of hearty stew and bread to eat. Not realizing his hunger before the salesman devours the
food in between words of thanks.
"I don't know how I can repay you people..."
"well actually" said the kindly monk who answered the door, "our abbot bores so easily in the realitive solitude of our church, and he loves to talk with travelers"
"of course!" replied the salesman, "in return for this hospitality its the least i could do"

So the kindly monk leads the salesman deeper into the monastery and as he does he hears the faintest sound...
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
But the salesman thinks its just the storm outside making noise and pays it no mind. He reaches the abbots quarters and meets a man seemingly as ancient as the building he runs who greets him with a smile and firm handshake.
The two speak to each other at length with hours seeming like minutes as the storm pounds the outside, and all the while the man hears that same noise...
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

Eventually the conversation draws to a natural end and the abbot looks over the salesman's shoulder.
"good heavens, look at the time. we both should get some rest" the abbot commented, "the brother you met before will take you to your chambers for the night"

And so the salesman is taken to his spartan looking accommodations, and just as the kindly monk is leaving the room the salesman asks,
"by the way, i keep hearing this strange thumping sound all the time. Its that normal? What is that?"
The monk looks down at his feet, and for the first time since the salesman came into the monastery the smile falls from his face. He quickly stares at the floor and stammers,
"I-I-I don't know what you're talking about. Sleep well." Slamming the door behind him.

The salesmans sleep is restless as now the same sound as before stays next to him, breathing on his neck....
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
When dawn breaks the salesman calls a tow truck, and while waiting says his goodbyes and thank yous. Finally when the tow truck arrives he turns to the abbot and says,
"thank you so much for everything again, but I must ask; what is that strange thudding noise I hear? The storm is over yet I heard it clearly all night?"
The monk gains a sudden steel in his eyes and locks them dead onto the salesman.
"I can't tell you, you're not a monk."
And with that, bids him farewell.

The salesman finishes his route without incident, and heads home to his wife and child. But incessantly, as if by hearing it he could no longer un-hear it, at the quietest moments in his life, the salesman hears a soft
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

The seasons pass into years and the years pass into decades. The mans son grows and leaves to be his own man, and after decades of bliss the mans wife passes away peacefully in his arms one morning. As the life leaves his loves eyes the only sound heard is a simple
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

With a life now emptier the thudding becomes constant, unceasing, droning. When he sleeps, eats, shits
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

Finally, standing it no longer the man drives all day and night to the same dirt road he so happened to break down upon and every mile, every town he passes as constant as the odometer
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

Finally he reaches the monastery and knocks on the door and just as before a fresh faced kinly monk answers.
"I WISH TO JOIN YOUR ORDER" the man blurts before the monk can say anything. The monk gains a knowing smile and says no more, beckoning the man to follow him.

He leads the man on the same path he took those years and years before and directs him into the abbots room. Inside is the same man as the night he stayed before, looking not a day older.
"Please abbot." The man begged, "I can't stop hearing that thudding noise, night and day I can't escape it. Can't you let me know what it is?"
The abbot replies with the same steely matter-of-fact tone as he did all those years before,
"I can't tell you, you're not a monk."
"Thats what I feared your answer would be. Please then, let me become a monk so I can learn and get this sound from my head."
The abbot takes a long look, dripping with both hunger and pity and after a handful of breathes agrees."

The training is arduous and lengthy. The salesman is not a young man anymore and the demands, moth mental and physical task him to the core of his very being. He sleeps on stone, reads nothing but the texts of the obscure religious sect he wishes to join and eats nothing but gruel and through every minute, every blister, every headache, every pang of hunger the sound is there.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

Finally after several years worth of trails the man finally is ready to be inducted. The moment after the ceremony inducting him is complete he bolts to the chambers of the abbot.
"There, I did it. I'm a member of the order. NOW TELL ME WHAT THAT NOISE IS."
"Are you sure you wish to know?" the abbot grimaces, "It will change the way you think of not just the order, or me, but everything."
"Yes!" the man cries "I've never been more sure of anything in my life!"
"Very well" replied the abbot. And with that the sound in the mans head lessened, as if the promise curiosity being fed was able to sate the beast, even if for a moment. But still, even though quieter it was still present.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

The abbot pulls a seemingly random book off the shelf behind him, and opens it. He reveals it to be hollow and pulls a monstrous set of keys from it and tucks them into his sleeve. He then pulls another book from the shelf and the shelf splits in half and opens like the doors in a supermarket with the sound of the grinding of ancient stone. Where the shelves used to be there is a door made of iron. The abbot pulls the set of keys out with an iron key extended, opens the door and swings it aside. As the man follows the abbot into the path behind the door he notices the sound getting louder.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

They walk along a dark and musty path, the air like a forgotten wine cellar or crypt with the abbot wordlessly staring forward with grim purpose. He reaches the next door, a door made of polished bronze, reflecting as perfectly as a mirror. He pulls out a bronze key from the keyring in his sleeve and opens the door. Sure enough as the man passes though, a little louder this time
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

After the bronze door came a staircase, down and down and down it went, until it seemed that they were descending into hell itself. Winding stairs, spiral stairs, branching stairs leading to nowhere and yet the two marched on, reaching a silver door. The abbot pulled out a silver key and as before set the door aside, making the sound ever louder.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

And then, it was time to climb. Yet the abbot, a man of innumerable years climbed as surefooted as a goat while the salesman followed behind, exhausted but determined not to give up now. At the apex of the climb, a door of gold was before them. The abbot then pulled a gold key, and in the grim routine as before, the door fell aside and the sound became ever louder. It seemed to be right next to them, a tangible force. A third person on this bizarre trek.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

After the golden door came a maze. Dizzying and seemingly endless, the abbot had no hesitation in his step and never second guessed himself. Hours passed in the maze as hours had passed in all the paths before and yet without ever turning around the abbot and the salesman reached a platinum door. As you can guess, platinum key, door, noise.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
As the man walked into the next door he hesitated for the first time on his trip. The walls themselves seemed to be alive, screaming things in alien tongues as if the brick and mortar where being tortured. Grotesque faces in the masonry screamed as if every injustice upon earth was being visited upon them and yet somehow they could not drown out that sound, pounding louder than it ever had.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

After the hours that seemed of days in the pathway that screamed ceaselessly they reached a door, red and pulsing, as if made of some sort of flesh. The abbot pulled out a bony, fleshy....something from his keyring and inserted it into the door. All at once the walls stopped screaming, the flesh melted into nothing on the floor and the sound grew terrible and great. Louder and unchanged.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

Behind the former wall of flesh was not another passage but a box. Wooden small and humble. The abbot pulled out one final key of wood and unlocked and opened the box. As he pulled the box open the sound became deafeningly loud and the man finally looked inside and gave a horrified scream.

And I'd love to tell you what was inside, but you're not a monk.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Brave Alaskan Pilot

One day there was a terrible blizzard in Alaska and a lone pilot radioed grown control to turn on their runway lights. Ground control radioed back saying that the pilot could not land there because the storm was too bad. The pilot radioed again and demanded they turned on the runway lights, but again ground control said that the storm was too bad and told the pilot to turn around and land somewhere else. The pilot radioed back and said, "I've already landed, I need the lights to guide me to the lodge!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A prayer

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out: "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward: "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
Good", said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone

He couldn't find the droid he was looking for

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone?

He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

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An Old Man and His Lake

An old man went down to his lake to clear brush from a recent storm. When he arrived he found 8 beautiful women skinny dipping in the water. Seeing him the women yelled "you get out of here old man. We're staying under the water until you're long gone so you don't see a thing." Quickly the old man replied "I apologize ladies. I'm not here to spy on you. I just came to feed the alligators."

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Once saw a bunch of Nazis saluting in icy precipitation.

It was quite the heil storm.

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How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

You just look for fresh prints.

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After a terrible storm, a farmer realizes he needs to revamp his fence.

Sorry, repost.

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A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family...

His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I once went to an open air Queen concert.

It was good, but there was a terrible electrical storm during the set

Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships?

Because they'd miss each other.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

a man was late for a business meeting

so he was already in a rush when he had a flat tire. he pulled over and began changing to his spare. Just as he as about to mount the spare, he accidentally knocked all his lugnuts into a storm drain. so he begins cursing his luck.

It just so happens he pulled over next to an insane asylum where there were patients out on the grounds behind a chain link fence. one of the patients saw the commotion and came to the fence and asked him what was wrong. He explained that he had lost his lugnuts and couldn't mount the spare.

"just take one lugnut off of each of the other three tires. that will at least get you where you need to go, then you can get replacement nuts later." the patient suggested.

"that's actually really brilliant. thank you" the man said.

"yeah, well I'm in here because I'm crazy, not stupid"

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building...

and there's a massive storm outside. Gale force winds.

One man turns to the other and says:
"You know Mac, the wind is so strong right now, I bet you could jump out the window, and the wind would carry you gently down onto that window cleaning platform on the other side of the building, 20 stories down."

"Bullshit!" Mac exclaims, "There's no way that would ever happen."

"Alright then," the first man says, "I'll prove it."

At this, he opens the designated window and steps out. Sure enough, he gently glides down 20 stories, round the building, and onto the platform below. He climbs in through the window and comes back up in the elevator.

"See? I told you that would work," he says.

"That's astounding!" Mac replies, "Let me try!"

He walks up to the window, and jumps out, falling quickly to his death.

The bartender turns to the first man and says:

"You're such a jerk when you're drunk, Superman"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A White guy, a Black guy and a Mexican are out in a boat fishing

when a big storm blows up and threatens to sink them.

The men begin praying, and the storm disappears.  They look up and see Jesus walking towards them across the water.  Jesus says to the men, "Because of your faith, I will heal each of you."

Jesus turns to the White man and says, "Your arthritis is cured."  The White man rubs his hands and exclaims, "It's true, my hands don't hurt any more!"

Jesus turns to the Mexican and says, "Your vision is restored."  The Mexican blinks and says, "My cataracts, they're gone!"

Jesus turns to the Black man, who throws up his hands and says "DON'T TOUCH ME, I'M ON TOTAL DISABILITY!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the storm trooper get an iPhone?

He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do Storm Troopers like churchs?

Cuz of all the pews.

I hate myself

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How do you find will smith in a snow storm?

Follow the fresh prints

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A Storm Trooper and a Red Shirt get into a fight.

Storm Trooper misses every shot.

Red Shirt dies anyways.

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A long way to go for a bad pun

In Russia in the early 1800's, there was a weather man named Rudolph. He was very good at his job, but he was particularly famous for predicting rain. One morning, it was bright and sunny outside, without a cloud in the sky. However, Rudolph predicted that there would be a huge rain storm, bigger than anyone had ever seen. People laughed and thought it was ridiculous, but sure enough, that night it rained more than anyone in Russia had ever seen. In only 3 hours, it rained over 10 inches! That morning, Rudolph's wife was astounded. "I can't believe you were right about this, honey!" she said, surprised. Rudolph just laughed and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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Safety in Snowplows

A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.

It's at this time (and through a stroke of luck) she notices a snowplow in the distance up ahead. After a huge sigh of relief she keeps pace with the plow feeling it's safety as it clears the snow in front of her.

Multiple hours pass by when eventually the plow truck pulls over. The driver gets out and approaches her car window. When she rolls it down, he asks: "Why have you been following me for so long? Are you okay?" She replies: "My dad had always told me to follow a snowplow in a blizzard when the roads feel unsafe."
The snowplow driver shrugs his shoulders and replies: "Okay... well I'm finished with this parking lot, I'm heading over to doΒ the one across the street next."

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Tropical Storm Jose will not make it into the US.

Donald Trump won't allow it.

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Why should you use a 1 iron during a thunder storm

Even god couldn't hit a one iron

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A man from West Virginia and a woman from Kentucky got married...

The day after their wedding, the man's father sees him storm into the house, gun in hand. "What's got you upset, son?" The father asked. To which the man replied, "I shot my wife. I found out she was a virgin, so if she isn't good enough for her family, she isn't good enough for ours!"

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Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does Stormy Daniels have in common with American farmers?

They both got screwed and paid off by Trump.

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Stormtrooper helmets

I would wear a stormtrooper helmet everytime I went for a ride on a motorcycle to avoid HITTING anything.

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Winter storms

I don't like the naming system for winter storms that was recently devised. I'm going with my own system of naming the storms after characters in Greek tragedies. So today I rename Winter Storm Athena to Winter Storm Antigone.

Can't wait for Winter Storm Oedipus. It will be a real mother fucker!

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Stormy Daniels should run for president

If we're going to have an inept asshole in office I'd rather have a bleached inept asshole

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Why did Kim storm out of the bedroom on Kanye?

Because he called out his own name in bed.

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One day, Adolf Hitler looked outside and saw heavy storm clouds.

Worried, he contacted a meteorologist and asked him what the weather was going to be like.

The meteorologist replied, "Hail, Hitler!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Storm troopers makes great drivers!

They never hit anything!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call a rain of strategy games?

A Tropico storm

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hurricane Joaquin

This Category 3 Storm is likely to hit the Eastern US this week.

Good news for Arizona residents: you will not be affected by Joaquin, Phoenix.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

You follow his FRESH PRINTS!

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Have you heard about the new emo-punk band taking Mexico by storm?

They're called *Hispanic! At the Disco*.

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All the power lines went down in a storm last Friday ...

Everyone was *delighted*.

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Why is stormtrooper always late from work?

He keeps missing his train

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If I was a storm, do you know what kind of storm I would be?

A Tropical Depression

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Alright, dammit. Native American jokes it is.

"Father, tell me again about how we get our names."

"Well, in our tribe we name our children after the cause of their birth. You sister is named 'Beautiful Doe' because your mother saw a deer so lovely that she came to me passionately. Your brother is named 'Deep Snow' because the storm was so bad your mother and I needed to share our bodies to stay warm."

"Okay father, I understand."

"I'm glad you understand, but why do you ask me this question so often, Broken Condom?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Anyone here know how to pray?

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain,

"You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the storm trooper return his iPhone?

Because it wasn't the droid he was looking for!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why can't a Stormtrooper have a baby?

Because they always miss.

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What do you call a zombie Storm Trooper?

An Imperial Walker

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You miss 100% of the shots you don't take...

...tell that to a storm trooper.

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I think my new idea for DIY orthodontics is going to take the world by storm.

brace yourself

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Two friends are traveling through a deafening storm

"SURE IS WINDY TODAY!"

"IT'S THURSDAY!"

"ME TOO! I THINK THERE'S A BAR JUST UP THE ROAD!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do you never see any Stormtroopers as photographers?

They always miss the shot

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My kettle sounds like thunder and rain.

I think a storm is brewing.

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What did the Italian say after the hail storm?

"My car! issa Al Dente."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why is Stormy always on top?

Because Donnie can only fuck up.

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That was a hell of a XXX storm last light.

All you could see were snowflakes getting blown!

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How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

Look for the Fresh Prince.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This most recent snow storm was a lot like what women experience with me in the bedroom

What was supposed to be 8" somehow turned into 4"

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Why are Americans so bad at MOBA games (League of Legends, Dota, Heroes of the storm, etc.)?

They can't defend towers.

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A tropical storm goes through Mississippi and Alabama

and becomes a tropical depression.

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What do you call a mean dust storm?

Darude - Sandstorm

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Avoiding Turbulence

I was flying in a small plane that was headed into a storm, and we started going through some bad turbulence. I buckled my seat belt, curled against the window, and closed my eyes.

"What are you doing?" my wife asked.

"I can't make the turbulence stop," I said, "but I can go to sleep so I don't suffer."

"But honey," she replied, "you're the pilot!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do clouds wear during a storm?

Thunderwear

πŸ‘πŸΌ

stormtrooper family dinner

So a stormtrooper tells his son its time for dinner.
the boy asks his dad "what are we having?"
"Wookie meatloaf." He replied.
After a few minutes of eating, the stormtrooper asks his son "How is it?"
"It's chewy."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did Stormy say it looked like a toadstool or

a toad's tool ?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are pirates never scared of a storm?

Because they love torrents.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two stormtroopers were eating wookie steak...

One said to the other, "How's the steak?". The other replied, "It's a little Chewie..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Weatherman forecasted the worst storm in over a hundred years, but it didn't hit us.

It was very anticlimatic

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I found this blond joke to be hilarious...

A blond driving a car became lost in a snow storm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her, "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A maths teachers husband buys an Aston Martin.

He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.

Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"

"W-What?"

"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"

"Why?"

"YOU DIDN'T DO THE WORKING FOR IT!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a Stormtrooper and a Zoo Keeper?

The Storm Trooper would have missed harambe

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?

Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.

They call it the clam before the storm.

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I was trying to buy some storm insurance for my camp site, but was refused.

They said, If your tent gets blown away, you won't be covered.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old man was piloting a small plane with his wife and kids aboard as a powerful storm raged.

Don't fret so much, he said to them as they were filled with fear. If anything should happen to me, I've provided for all of you very generously in my will.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In the unlikely event you have a 1 iron

and are caught golfing during a lightning storm, hold it up. Because even God himself cannot hit a 1 iron.

Disclaimer: a friend of mine told me this one on the golf course today. Neither I nor he wrote this joke, just thought it was really funny.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did the bicycle repairman done?

George Bush and Al Gore walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "what's up?"
Bush says "Well, tomorrow, I'm going to have the troops storm into iraq and kill 2000 Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.
The bartender replies "Oh my god, what did the bicycle repairman done to deserve this?"
Bush then turns to Gore and patted him on the back and says "See, i told you no one would care about those 2000 iraqis."

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What did the stormtrooper say when he was frying Luke's aunt and uncle?

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning Beru.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A sailor is being asked by a reporter

"Was there ever a situation in your voyages when you were afraid?"

"Yeah, once we were transporting a container of 500.000 dolls. A storm just started and the ship leaned hard on its side. At that moment all the dolls cried "MAMA"...That's when I shat myself with fear."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you find will smith in a snow storm??

Just look for the fresh prints. BOOOM!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call it when a tornado hit's a cattle feed lot?

A shit storm.

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TIDAL was supposed to take the music streaming world by storm

But it didn't even Roc a boat

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I should marry a storm trooper.

They will always miss me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mickey's Piss

Mickey was having a great day, enjoying the end of a snow storm when he decided it was time to go and shovel the driveway.

When he got outside, he noticed something that infuriated him.

Goofy's name was written in piss on his side walk.

Mickey went from angry to sad when he realized not only was it Goofy's piss, but it was in Minnie's handwriting.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cruise ship with a Gay Pride party on board...

ran into a storm and began to take on water quickly but by some miracle did not sink.

What saved the ship?

"flambuoyancy"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde gets stuck in a snow storm,

She remembers her dad told her to follow a snow-plow incase this happends. She finds one and starts following it, the wind starts blowing hard, the plow keeps turning and she is having a hard time following it. The driver finally stops and goes over to her car and knocks on her window, she opens it up a crack and he asks what she is doing. "My dad once told me to follow a snow-plow incase of a snow storm" she says, he replies "Well in that case, come on we are doing the walmart parking-lot next."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's a storm trooper's favorite date?

March 4th

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Stormy Daniels must really like President Trump.

She said he was a fun guy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jesus walks into a hotel during the terrible rain storm

He puts three Nails on the front desk and says can you put me up for the night?

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Say what you want about Stormy Daniels, but she really knows how to fuck a guy

I mean, it's been years now and she's doing it harder than ever

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Where does a Stormtrooper get cash?

The AT-ATM

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Why doesn't Trump care about Irma?

She's a 5 at best.

(Sorry if someone else said this, but I've been ducking away from the storm and not paying much attention to the sub)

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So, Julius Ceaser was afraid of storms but one night he had to go out.

A big storm was brewing, he ordered one of his minders to go out and report the weather to him. Upon his return he was asked " so was it raining?" To which his minder reported " all hail Ceaser"!!

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I wish there was more diversity of superheroes. We have a few female and a few black superheroes. You know what I want to see?

An FTM trans hero kicking ass with Wolverine, Cyclops, and Storm. His name can be XX-Man.

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What do Storm Troopers and Bone Thugs N Harmony have in common?

They are both going to miss every body.

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What are the best Storm puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Storm? Well, here are the best jokes about Storm to have fun with.

Joko Jokes