Store Clerk Jokes
129 store clerk jokes and hilarious store clerk puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about store clerk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Store Clerk Short Jokes
Short store clerk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The store clerk humour may include short sales clerk jokes also.
- I went into my local record store recently... and asked the clerk "do you have anything by The Doors?", and he replied, "just the fire extinguisher".
- A guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the clerk, "I would like a pair of new windshield wipers for my Yugo." The clerk responds, "Sounds like a fair trade."
- A walks into a hardware store to get some nails He asks the clerk for some nails and the clerk says "ok sure, how long do you want them?" and the customer says "well I'd like to keep them." : )
- A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife He tells the clerk, I'd like a bicycle built for two, and one for me.
- Me: Thanks for always being there for me. *leans in for a kiss* Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.
- Why can't clerks at the grocery store pick which cashier they work with? Because baggers can't be choosers.
- Got anything smaller? I was at the store today and handed the clerk a $20 bill.
He handed it back and asked if I had anything smaller.
So I folded the $20 bill in half and handed it back to him. - So I bought Master of Puppets today I noticed there was a song missing. When I asked the store clerk later about it, he said "Battery not included".
- On Halloween I like to go to the store and buy apples and razorblades just to see the look on the clerk's face.
- A Scottish man walks store... He asked for 15 litres of the best whiskey the clerk has. "Did you bring a container for this?" The clerk asks. "You're speaking to it."
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Store Clerk One Liners
Which store clerk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with store clerk? I can suggest the ones about grocery clerk and office clerk.
- What did the store clerk say to the cosmologist? Did you find everything?
- What did the store clerk say to the rat he found under a shelf in his store?
- Why are convenience store clerks the best prostitutes? Thank you! Come again!
- What did the disgruntled alien customer say to the store clerk? Take me to your leader!
- A p**... walks into a hardware store... ... and tells the clerk, "I need some more hose."
- I asked a grocery store clerk to help me find the v**... Turns out he was my spirit guide.
Cheerful Fun Store Clerk Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about store clerk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shopkeeper jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make store clerk pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"
A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. “Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde, brunette and redhead were smoking cigarettes one afternoon.
The blonde had Camels, redhead had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools. It began to pour down raining, so the redhead and brunette both pull out condoms and put them on their cigarettes. The blonde asks, "What are you doing?" and they reply, "We're saving it for later." Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a c**.... The clerk says "What size: small, medium, or large?" She answers, "I don't know, one to fit a camel?"
A blonde goes into a near by store and asks the clerk if she can buy the T.
V. in the corner.
The store clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day and asks the same thing, and again he said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes back home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure the clerk would sell her the T.V. by now, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says she doesn't serve blondes as well.
The blond asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I'm a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her and says, "That's not a T.V.- it's a microwave!"
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.
While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.
“What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”
“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful!
It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch.
He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands.
The sales clerk says "you are suppose to read his lips."
He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn’t running – the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn’t run, it runs, it doesn’t run..."
He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch.
He asks the sales clerk how much.
The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Seventy-five-year-old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Women's Day.
Upon passing a l**... store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any l**... in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something s**... to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it.
He'll wait in the kitchen.
His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before.
She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark n**....
She calls out: "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims: "All that money and they didn't even iron it?!"
Me: "How much for the baby dragon?"
Pet store clerk: "Sir, that's a lizard."
Me: *not listening* "When do they start breathing fire?"
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.
I don't know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.
After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile's and sometimes a wink.
All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
Fun with cucumbers
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.
I don't know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.
After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile's and sometimes a wink.
All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
Why we don't serve blondes?
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
A young man shopping in a supermarket
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $137.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
A Polish Joke
A man walks up to a counter and says to the clerk, "Sir, give me your finest polish sausage!"
The man looks back at him confused. He then asks, "Sir, are you by any chance Polish?"
The first man looks back at him shocked and appalled. "How dare you assume I'm polish just because I asked for polish sausage! If I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I had asked for spaghetti, would you have assumed I was Italian? I can't believe you would assume something like that!"
The clerk looks back at him and says, "No sir, I assumed you were Polish because this is a hardware store."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young lady is at a home decoration store, and picks out a large mirror with a brass hanger.
The helpful store clerk says, "M'am, you wanna screw for that mirror hanger?"
The girl replies, "No, but I'll blow you for that matching brass end table."
Come To Me
Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One woman sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" She said waving her
arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" The woman took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"
Sold The Suit
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly
suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog
bit me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A kid goes to a store to buy his mother a present
So the little boy goes to a store to buy his mother a present. So he goes to the counter and asks if they have any cookies jars? So the clerk grabs down six and hands them to the boy. He inspects the first one, lifts off the lid and looks inside. He says "nope", surprised, the clerk hands him a second one. He does the same thing again and again and again until the sixth one. He says that they're all not like he wanted. The clerk is still surprised. The kid then asks, **Do you have any that don't make a sound when the lid comes off?**
*Props to my church for that one.*
John gets a Christmas parrot
John decided to get his wife a Christmas present. Maybe a puppy. Walking in to the pet store, he searches for the right puppy.
"Excuse me sir, are you looking for a Christmas present?" the clerk asked. "Yes, I think she would like a puppy," John replies.
"Here," motioning towards the back of the store, "we have a very special bird, Chet. He sings Christmas carols. See, light a match and hold it under his left foot." The parrot begins to sing, "Silent night, holy night." Pulling the match away, "And now his right foot." The parrot sings, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh." "Perfect," John exclaims.
Molly was home as she hears John knocking on the door. Letting him in, John proudly smiles, "His name is Chet. I got you a singing parrot!" Raising a eyebrow, Molly stares at him. Placing the parrot on his stand, John lights a match. "Listen to him sing when I hold the match under his left foot." The parrot begins to sing again, "Silent night, holy night." Pulling the match away, "And now his right foot." The parrot sings, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh."
"Well, what do you think?" Jon smiles. Molly stood quietly, "What would happened if you hold the match, well, between his feet?"
Holding the match between his feet, the parrot squawks, "CHET'S NUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE!"
A man walks into a hardware store
A man walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a faster way to cut down trees. "My axe isn't cutting it anymore, it's just too slow," he says.
The clerk looks around for a bit and comes back with a chainsaw. "Here, this might be what you want." The man says, "Oh yeah, I've heard of those! I'll take it!" So the clerk rings him up.
The man comes back the next day, holding the same chainsaw. "Hey, I think there's something wrong with the saw you sold me yesterday," he says. "I tried it out last night and it's even slower than my axe!"
The clerk takes it from him and looks it over. "Well, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it..." He pulls the starter cord and the chainsaw starts running.
The man jumps a bit and says, "Wait, what's that noise?"
The Diet Pill
A woman heads to a supplement store to buy diet pills in hopes to lose weight. She asks the sales clerk what he recommends and he hands her a pill bottle claiming they are the best. She pays and goes home eager to lose weight. After a week she notices no effects and that the pills are very light, she opens one up and to her surprise they are empty. She goes back to the store and asks why these pills are all empty. The sales clerk then replies, "Well miss, they *are* diet pills".
Buying Condoms
A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"
"Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know," he replies.
"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"
"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know," he says nervously.
"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."
Jokes from glorious motherland USSR
A man is walking along the road wearing only one boot. 'Did you lose a boot?' a passerby asks sympathetically. 'No, I found one,' the man answers happily.
What is it that doesn't knock, growl or scratch the floor? A machine made in the USSR for knocking, growling, and scratching the floor.
It is the middle of the night. There is a knock at the door. Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door. 'It's all right,' he says, coming back. 'The building's on fire.'
A shopper asks a food store clerk, 'Are you all out of meat again?' 'No, they're out of meat in the store across the way. Here we're out of fish.'
Why doesn't the Soviet Union send people to the Moon? They are afraid they won't come back.
A man fell asleep on a bus. When someone stepped on his foot, he woke with a start and applauded. 'What are you doing, citizen?' 'I was dreaming I was at a meeting.'
'What is the difference between Pravda [Truth] and Izvestia [The News]?'
'There is no truth in The News, and no news in the Truth.'
A guy walks into a store and says...
A guy walks into a store and says, Excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick and some strings.
The clerk looks at him uncomprehendingly. Pardon?
I'd like a guitar pick, please, and some strings.
The clerk thinks for a moment and says, You're a drummer, aren't you?
Yeah! How did you know?
This is a travel agency.
Raisin bread
A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's starting to twitch."
Got any grapes?
One day a duck walks into a pharmacy. He asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk then replies: "No, we don't sell grapes we are a pharmacy. You want the grocery store around the corner." So the duck says "OK" and walks out.
The next day the same duck comes back into the pharmacy and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk replies "No, I said yesterday that you want the grocery store, this is a pharmacy." So the duck again says "OK" and leaves.
The next day the duck comes back in and asks "Got any grapes?"The clerk then gets very angry and says "Look, this is the third day in a row that you have come in asking for grapes. I told you we dont sell grapes! Now if you come back here again asking for grapes I will nail your feet to the floor!!" The duck then says "OK" and leaves.
The fourth day the same duck comes back in the pharmacy and the clerk notices him right away. The duck says "Got any nails?" The clerk is confused and says "No we dont sell nails, we are a pharmacy. You want the hardware store."
So the duck says, "Good. Got any grapes?"
Artemis the Strangler
A few years ago, there was a hitman named Artemis who was known and sought after for his uncanny ability to strangle people. One day, he got an assignment from the local mob to take out a man who owed huge amounts of money and was refusing to pay it back. Artemis took the job, but the man turned out to be almost impossible to find. The target would seemingly vanish whenever Artemis was in the vicinity and tracking him was practically impossible.
However, one day Artemis got a call from his boss. The man had been spotted at a local Kroger and, since nobody knew when he would appear again, Artemis was to strangle the man in the store. Artemis was reluctant at first, but he was getting very tired of the long project and agreed to track the man inside.
Luckily, Artemis was able to corner the man in the produce aisle and strangle him. Unluckily, just as he was laying the man's body down, a woman came around the corner. Artemis panicked and in his desperation strangled the woman, only to see a poor store clerk out of the corner of his eye. Artemis strangled this man too. Finally, a manager came around the corner and also met his end.
All of this became too much for Artemis to cover up and he was arrested outside of the store. The next day, the local paper ran the headline:
ARTY CHOKES FOUR FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGERS
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old women were sitting at a bus stop...
They were both smoking cigarettes, when it started to rain. One of the old women put her cigarette out, and the other put a c**... over hers so she could continue smoking.
The woman looked at her and asked, "hey, what's that?"
To which the other replied, "it's a c**.... You can find them at any of your local pharmacies."
So the woman went to the store and asked for a box of condoms. The clerk asked, "what size would you like?"
"The size that can fit a camel."
Anything but Guinness...
A guy goes into a liquor store and the guy behind the counter asks if he needs any help. He says "I'll take a case of beer please. Anything but Guinness!"
Clerk: "Sure buddy, but what's wrong with Guinness? It's one of our top sellers!"
Guy: "I don't have anything bad to say about the taste or anything like that, it's just that the last time I drank a case of Guinness to myself, I blew chunks!"
Clerk: "I don't think Guinness is your issue... If you drink a case of any beer to yourself you will blow chunks!"
Guy: "No sir, you don't understand. See, Chunks is my dog!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde tries to buy a TV.
A young blonde lady wants to buy a new Television. She walks into an electronics store, has a quick browse and picks the TV. She pulls the store clerk over and tells him she would like to buy that TV, he replies "Sorry, we do not serve blondes here".
The blonde is disgusted and offended, but she really wanted that TV. She goes home and dyes her hair brown and goes back to the store, she makes sure she finds a different clerk and attempts to buy the TV again, the clerk responds "Sorry, we do not serve blondes here".
The blonde, being extremely confused at this point, utters out "How do you know I am blonde? My hair is brown!"
To which the clerk replies, "because that's not a TV, it's a microwave".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde
A blonde goes to an appliance store. After looking around for a while she goes to the clerk and says "I would like to buy that TV". In response the clerk informs her that the store does not serve to blonde, so the blonde goes home and puts on a wig. When she asks to buy the TV again, she is met with the same response. She tries two more times. On her last attempt when the clerk tells her "I am sorry we do not sell to blondes" she asks he how he knows she is a blonde. He says "Because, miss, that is a microwave..."
5 boxes for a dollar...
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying, "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just can't believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He replies, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She says, "That can't be right!"
The clerk responds, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a big mix up at the store today.
Apparently when the clerk said s**... down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, two old ladies are outside on a bench smoking...
...when it begins to rain. The first old woman flicks her cigarette away, knowing it's going to be put out. The second of the old ladies reaches into her purse, pulls out a c**..., cuts the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette. The first woman asks "What on earth is that?" "Oh, it's a c**..., they're designed to protect your cigarette from the rain," the second replies.
Now the next day, the lady who tossed her cig went down to the drug store to pick up some condoms so she can smoke in the rain. She asks the clerk "Can you please sell me some condoms?" The clerk is confused as to why this old lady would need rubbers, but in the interest of customer satisfaction, he says "Sure, what kind would you like?" To this the old woman responds,"Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter. Just make sure it can fit a camel."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde goes to buy a TV.
A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: I'm sorry but we don't sell to blondes.
Amazed she goes out and dyes her hair ginger. She later returns to the store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
Blonde: How did you know I'm blonde?
Clerk: Because that's a Microwave.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arty
Joe is extremely angry and frustrated with his wife of 20 years and finally decides to find a contract killer to get rid of her. He knows this will cost more money than he has so he asks to borrow some funds from his best friend Arty. Arty surprises Joe by saying, "I have never liked your wife so I will gladly m**... her for only a dollar."
Later, Arty is hiding outside the grocery store where Joe's wife works and as she leaves he drags her behind the store into an alley and strangles her. Just as he is dragging her body behind some bushes, the store manager comes out and sees him. So Arty attacks the manager and strangles him as well. Again, as he hides the body, a clerk comes out of the store so Arty has to do the same thing one more time. By this time, with all of the commotion, the police arrive and discover what has happened. They arrest Arty and the next morning the headline in the town newspaper reads:
ARTY CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR AT THE LOCAL MARKET
glass pants
A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!"
The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants.
The woman replied,
"Sorry sir we don't sell those".
The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything.
The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist.
The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants. The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they existed!"
The woman said, "At first I thought you were crazy.....but now I see
you're nuts!"
A giraffe walks into a hat store...
...and orders three slices of pizza - any kind would be fine.
The store owner looks puzzled at the giraffe; "Uh, we don't serve pizza slices here-"
"Then a burger or something, I don't care," the giraffe interrupts.
"We don't sell that either, we-"
Again, the giraffe interrupts, noticably irritated with the clerk's attidute: "Just serve me *something*, okay?! I'm *starving* here!"
"But this is a hat store! Can't you read the sign outside?" the store owner asked.
"Well if I knew how to read, don't you think I'd have asked for a menu?!"
So a man buys a watch...
So a man buys a watch. It is a very good watch, for a very low price. However, the store clerk tells him that the watch skips a minute at 5:30 (So it goes from 5:29 - 5:31 in one minute).
Later that day, his son asks him if he can hang out with his friends at 5:30. The dad says: "Not on my watch."
An American tourist is at the beach....
in the French Riviera. He is wearing his usual surfer trunks with the drawstring front. He immediately notices that all of the beautiful women are making faces of disgust at him.
As he passes a beach wear store, the clerk motions for him to come inside. The clerk tells him that his trunks are a no-no for the French Riviera, and suggests a black speedo. He puts it on, and the clerk takes one look and tells him to buy a potato and put it down the suit to impress the ladies.
The tourist comes back shortly and tells the clerk that the women not only look at him in disgust, but one actually threw up as he walked by her. The clerk tells him "the potato is supposed to go down the front of the suit!"
A man forgets his daughters birthday
He realizes that it's her birthday while driving home from work. Frantically he pulls over at the first toy store he sees and runs inside. He runs up to the clerk and says
"I need a present for my daughter, she likes dolls, do you have any?"
"Sure," the clerk says "we have plenty of barbies. We have Ballet Barbie for 19.95, Veteranarian Barbie for 19.95, Lawyer Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 195.95." The man screams,
"WHAT! Why is divorced Barbie so much more expensive?"
"Well, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, house, and half of his money."
A very Fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,
'i would like to see a bikini that fits me'
Clerk...'me too'
A duck walks into a hardware store...
He asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"
The clerk looks at the duck confused and says "Well, no this is a hardware store."
The duck shrugs it off and leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the hardware store, looks around and asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"
The clerk kind of irritated asks the duck to leave, as there are obviously no grapes being sold at a hardware store. Ever.
Lo and behold the following day the duck enters the same hardware store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk, having had enough of this tells the duck, "If you ever set foot in this hardware store asking for grapes again, I'm going to staple your beak shut!"
The duck leaves, only to come walking right back in moments later and asks, "Do you have any staples?"
The clerk looks at the staples shelf, "Hmmm, sorry we are all out"
The duck looks at the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
A nun walks into a grocery store
Nun: "Hi I'd like to buy a cucumber."
Clerk: "Well, why don't you buy two, so you can eat one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandpa walks into a drug store
Grandpa: "I'd like to buy 99 condoms."
Clerk: "Why don't you take 100?"
Grandpa: "Hey, hey! I'm not a r**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes into a drugstore
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The clerk says, What size? The guy says, Gee, I don't know. The clerk says, Go see Sophie in aisle 4. He goes over to see Sophie; she grabs him in the c**..., and yells, Medium.
The guy is mortified, he hurries over to pay and get out of the store. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, the clerks asks the size, and again sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, Large. The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk says, What size? The kid feeling embarrassed says, I've never done this before. I don't know what size. The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells, Clean up in aisle 4!
So a pirate walks into a grocery store...
And he asks for blubber. The clerk is amazed to see a pirate and exclaims "Are you *really* a pirate!?"
"Aye, matey."
"Whale: aisle B!" replied the surprised-yet-helpful clerk.
Thermos
A guy walks into a store and sees something. He asks what it is. "Why, it's a thermos." The clerk replies. "What does it do?" The man asks. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The clerk replies. "By golly, that's amazing!" The man replies. So he buys the thermos.
The next day he's walking down the street when he sees his friends. "What's that?" They ask. "Why, it's a thermos." The man replies. "What does it do?" The friends ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The man replies. "By golly that's amazing!" The friends exclaim, "what do you have in it?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
Hospital Bill
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms & a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
'Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister & she's a nun."
The nun became agitated & announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".
:D
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young woman learned that you can smoke in the rain if you make a hole in a c**... and put it over the cigarette.
She goes to a convenience store and asks a middle eastern clerk for a c**.... The guy looks at her with obvious disapproval, but does his job. He asks her what kind she wants and she answers,
I don't really care, as long as it fits the camel
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old ladies are smoking and it starts to rain
Two old ladies are sitting outside of the nursing home, smoking a couple cigarettes and it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a c**..., snips the top and puts it around her cigarette. Confused, the other lady asked what she was doing. "Oh it keeps my cigarette dry when it starts to rain." The other old lady runs down to the drug store and asks the clerk where the condoms are. The clerk says, "well we have a few different kinds, what size did you need?" the old lady responds, "it doesn't matter, it just has to fit a camel."
Cheap parrot
A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation.
She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be.
The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"
A Lady walks into a Grocery Store..
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath". The clerk asked "Pasteurised?" She replied "No just up to my chin"
Cheeky
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
At a fabric store
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk, "How much does it costs?"
Only one kiss per yard, replied the male clerk with a smirk.
That's fine, said the girl. I'll take ten yards. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.
The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, Grandpa will pay the bill.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time. He brings a box up to the counter and the clerk says, "That will be five dollars plus 15 cents for tax."
The young man screams "Tacks, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
An old man went to a store to buy laxative...
He ask the clerk:"How strong is the effect of this laxative?"
Th clerk says:"There is a public toilet 50 steps away from this store, if you take the laxative now, exits the store and run straight there, as you sit down on a toilet your poops will be pouring out."
The old man seem satisfied, he bought the laxative, took it and exits the store.
After 5 minutes, he returned to the store.
The clerk asked:"What happened? It didn't work?."
The old man answered:"No, it works fine. I am just here to tell you the public toilet is actually 52 steps away."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge."
The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"
The woman replies, "No thanks, but I'll blow you for a toaster."
A rabbit walks into a men's clothing store...
And the clerk says,"May I help you, sir?"
"Yes", says the rabbit. "I'd like a BLT with some coleslaw please."
"I'm sorry sir", says the clerk," but we don't have that here."
"Oh, ok.", says the slightly deflated rabbit. "I guess I'll have a house salad."
"Sir," replies the slightly annoyed clerk," we don't have that. Is there something else I can help you with?"
"Well," says the rabbit," in that case I'll just have a bowl of tomato soup."
The clerk is now incensed. "Sir, we don't have food! The sign outside clearly says 'men's clothing store'! Can't you read?"
"Listen, buddy", says the rabbit,"if I could read, I would have asked you for a menu!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into Walmart
She's wearing very dirty clothes, smells bad and looks like she is in a horrible situation. She has 2 kids who look worse in her shopping cart
The store clerk says: Wow, are they twins?
Woman: No you idiot, they obviously look 2 years apart.
Clerk: Oh, they don't look alike. I just couldn't believe you had s**... twice.
The woman in the store
A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is.
Woman: "Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are?
The manager replies with, "Dear Lord Billy, help her! She's leaking from every hole!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A customer walks in a minute before closing and asks if the store is still open.
The clerk responds,
"As open as a casket at a f**.... I shouldn't be, but I am."
A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, No, ma'am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.
Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside. Never, he snarled, Never, never, never say we're out of anything- say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now, what was it she wanted anyway? The clerk said, Rain!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man walks into a store to return a doorbell...
A clerk asks if he needs help and the man tells him "Yes I'm here to return a doorbell, she's broken."
The clerk says "Why did you just call that doorbell 'she'?"
The man says "Because it's a female doorbell."
The clerk asks "How do you figure that?"
The man says "Because it has a ding but no d**...."
The dress in the window
A woman went shopping on vacation and asked the store clerk, "May I try on that dress in the window?" "Well," replied the clerk, "don't you think it would be better to use the dressing room?
I went to the Chinese cooking store and asked where I could find the pots and pans.
The store clerk told me "Wok this way."
At the Hallmark store
"Do you sell sympathy cards?" I asked at the Hallmark store.
"Yes we do." replied the clerk.
"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?"
The clerk at a grocery store asks a man if he needs any bags
He replies "no thanks I was married to one once"
Two young boys go to a store
They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."
A blonde saw a thermos at the department store
and asked the clerk what it was. The clerk said "Well, that's a thermos!" The blonde asked "What does it do?" The clerk replied "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!" so the blonde bought it.
The next day the blonde's boss, also blonde, walked by her office and saw the thermos on her desk. "What is that?" the boss asked. "Well, that's a thermos!" she replied. Her boss asked "What does it do??" The blonde said "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
"That's amazing!" said the boss. "What do you have in it?", to which the blonde replied "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle!"
Renting a dirty video
A blonde decides to do something she"s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back.
After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment there"s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says "I just rented an adult movie from you and there"s nothing on the tape, but static"
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "which title did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "it"s called Head Cleaner."
Retail clerks who buy their own clothes from their own stores really need a confidence boost.
They sell themselves shorts