The Best 35 Stops Beating Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Stops Beating jokes. There are some stops beating jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stops beating puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Stops Beating Jokes and Puns

A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over

"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."

"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"

The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.

"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."

*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.

Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking?

He kept beating a dead horse.

Stop with the Logan Paul jokes...

It's like beating a dead horse and i don't want to give him anymore video ideas.

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."

A man drives through a stop sign..

A cop pulls him over and asks for his information.

"Sir, you just drove through that intersection without stopping."

"Aww come on, it's not a big deal..I slowed down!"

The officer steps back, looking down at his feet, all of a sudden he pulls out his night stick and starts beating the man.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" The man screams.

"Would you like me to slow down, or stop?"


You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons..

really need to stop beating around the Bush.

"When did you stop beating your wife?"

"When her chess game improved."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.

All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:

Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"

Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!"

The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight.

Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

Italian: "Once"

Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?"

Italian: "Don't stop"

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.

That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.

That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"

The chief replied, "Bass solo."

How do you stop 2 lesbians from having sex?

With a rock. Rock beats scissors.

I saw 4 guys beating up 1 guy so i stopped to help...

He had no chance against all 5 of us.

You can explore stops beating reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stops beating dad jokes. There are also stops beating puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


maternity ward

A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."

A man drives up to a stop sign and rolls through it.

Shortly after a cop pulls him over. The cop asks, Do you know why I pulled you over? The man says, No . The cop says, You ran a stop sign back there . The man says, OK, but I slowed down though . The cop then asks, Could you please step out of the vehicle, Sir? The man gets out of his car. The cop pulls out his night stick and begins beating him. The man yells, STOP, STOP! The cops say, Oh, you want me to slow down?

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

So my buddy and I were driving down a country road and see a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.

Now, like any good ol Montana boy I know a good opportunity when I see it. I pull over and walk up to the sheep and unzip my pants and start giving it to her. I'm really give'n her the boots when I look over and my buddy is jacking off. I mean, he's really beat'n his meat. Kinda freaked out I stop and ask 'ya wanna turn?'. He runs over and sticks his head in the fence.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the bloody madman"

Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.

"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the bloody madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.

"Shut up, you. We all know who the bloody madman is here".

How do you get a Rams fan to stop beating his wife?

Put her in a Patriots jersey

I saw a man beating the shit out of a little kid, so I stopped to help

The kid didn't stand a chance


A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.

After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man driving just steps on the breaks and pulls a shotgun and screams " now you drink or I blow your head of" the guy does what he's told and takes a sterdy sip. After the old man goes: "Good, now you aim at me so I can have drink too"

A Belarusian joke

A guy is walking down the street in Minsk, the capital of Belarus very close to the protests when suddenly a police car full of cops pulls up. The cops jump out of the car and start beating up the guy.

The poor guy then yells: "No, please, stop! I voted for Lukashenko!"

One of the cops then responds: "Shut up, liar! No one voted for Lukashenko!"

A man rolls through a Stop sign…

An officer sees this, and pulls the man over.

Do you know why I pulled you over? The officer asks.

No sir, the man replies.

Then please step out of the vehicle, the officer commands. The man complies, and the officer starts rapidly beating him with his baton.

Ow ow stop! Stop! The man cries out desperately.

The cop says, Oh, would you like me to stop, or just slow down?

What's the difference between a abusive father and a Korean gamer?

Only one will stop beating you

I was staying in an Hotel

Last night I was staying in an hotel, trying to get some sleep after a long day of travel, meetings, and work.

I kept getting woken up by a woman screaming at me and beating on the door of the room.



She just wouldn't stop, I tried to ignore her as best I could but I finally came to accept the fact, after a few hours, if I wanted to get any sleep, I would have to let her out.

They told this joke at the end of church today

A father and young son were driving down the road when the son asked, "Dad, how high can you count?" The dad thought about it and replied "I'm not sure, son...how high can you count?" Without missing a beat, the son answered, "1542." The dad asked, "why did you stop counting?" The son replied, "well, I would have kept going, but church was over."

:)

Stop Sign

A man gets pulled over by a police officer for running a stop sign. The officer says "you didn't stop at that stop sign." The man replies "oh come on, I slowed down to almost a stop." The officer looks at the man and says "please step out of the vehicle sir." The man obliges, and at this point the police officer starts to beat him with a baton and says "now do you want me to stop, or do you want me to slow down?"

ILMMIL

I told my wife I saw three guys beating up her mother.
"Did you stop to help?"
"Nah, I figured three oughta be enough."

Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

A man runs through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop

"You are supposed to stop at a stop sign" the cop says.

"But I slowed down." The driver says
"that's the same thing."

The officer then drags the guy into the road and beats him with his baton

"Now do you want me to stop or slow down?!"

What did the cop say while he was beating the electrical insulator?

Stop resisting!

Can we PLEASE...

stop beating a dead gorilla.

My father told me that whenever I find myself having trouble with my partner I should stop and listen to my heart.

My heart says, "BEAT BEAT BEAT!"

^^^For ^^^real ^^^though, ^^^don't ^^^beat ^^^your ^^^lovers.

A lawyer and a cop

A lawyer ran a stop sign and was immediately pulled over by a cop. The lawyer started shouting, "I slowed down! No one was coming! What's the difference?"

The cop asked him to step out of his car. As soon as the lawyer was out, the cop pulled out his baton and starting beating the guy. Quickly, left, right, upside the head, everywhere.

After a few minutes, the officer stops, looks at the lawyer and says, "Now....do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"

California Roll

A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear.

Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block.

The cop pulls the guy out of the car and starts beating him.

The guy starts yelling "Stop! STOP!! What are you doing?! Stop!!!"

"Oh I'm sorry, did you want me to stop or slow down?"

The internet will never stop making fun of those taking Ivermectin for Covid.

Because the internet loves to beat a dead horse.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stops beating jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working stops beating piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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