Stopping Jokes

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a v**...."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.
**

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the d**... atrocious.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

My girlfriend and I began having s**... at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

A cop stopped a guy for speeding...

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

I walked into a room full of men m**...

They all looked shocked when I didn't stop

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway

COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: mine

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

My doctor said I need to stop m**.... When I asked why, he said ..

Cause I'm trying to give you a physical

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow b**... in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

I've just discovered that I have a logic f**....

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

Two Karens are out having dinner

The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

My wife complains about constantly being s**... harassed at work

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn't like it

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...

...they dilate!

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."
Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I'll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I'm not saying it.

I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

At work, I have a workstation.

I asked my wife So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty? And you know what she said?

Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!

Putin is held hostage by a t**....

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A t**... is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it's starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.
Putin throws out a bottle of v**... and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Biden throws out an AR-15 and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Zelensky throws out Putin and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway and looks at Biden smugly as they c**... anyways due to the massive weight of Zelensky's b**....

My wife complains to me about constantly being s**... harassed at work​

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office

Two guys are playing chess.

One says to the other, "How about we make this more interesting?"
So they stop playing chess.

Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.

This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy's sign reads 1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢… Maybe lemonade stands aren't your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.

Mark went for a walk in the park.

As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".

My wife says if I don't stop making puns about Russia, she's going to hit me.

If that's the way it's going to be, then Soviet.

A policeman stops a car... Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine.

On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."
"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to these Canadians?"
"Don't worry, I'll balance it out," said God. "Wait 'till you see the neighbours I'm giving them."

Since this storm started, my wife..

hasn't stopped looking through the window.
If it gets much worse then maybe I'll let her in.

I wish parents would stop posting videos of their sick kids on instagram.

Kids shouldn't be online influenzas

How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?

With Attorney-kit.

The pilot and copilot are coming into LAX and they are nervous.

Sweat pouring off their brows, they bring the 737 down quickly. As soon as the wheels touch they throw the engines into reverse, stand on the brakes as hard as they can and cry "Stop! Please stop!" The plane stops an inch from the end of the runway. The pilot says "That was the shortest runway I ever saw! And the copilot says "Yeah, but look how WIDE it is!"

What do you call a sun who can't stop telling jokes? A solar jester.