Stopped Jokes
140 stopped jokes and hilarious stopped puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stopped that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Stopped Short Jokes
Short stopped jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stopped humour may include short stops jokes also.
- Girl: "Come over" Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
- Girl: Come over Guy: I'm coming over
Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over - How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
- My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" "Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said. - Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative number? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
- The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
- My carbon monoxide detector won't stop beeping. It's giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.
- Told my son to stop playing russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other.
- What do fetuses, servicemen and gay people have in common in the US? The government stops caring about them once they're out.
- To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday Can you please stop calling my new phone?
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Stopped One Liners
Which stopped one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stopped? I can suggest the ones about pause and stood.
- My wife asked if I could stop singing 'Wonderwall' I said maybe
- Wall Street execs to redditors: "This isn't a game. Stop!"
- Two Karens are having lunch together The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"
- My wife left me because I couldn't stop doing impressions of pasta And now I'm cannelloni
- Gas prices are so high... That even the coronavirus stopped traveling..
- Stop bullying fat people, it isn't funny They have enough on their plate anyway.
- I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil
- When do you start on red and stop on green? When you're eating a watermelon!
- Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.
- My girlfriend begged me to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe.
- My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo... I had to put my foot down
- How do you get Canadian bacon to stop curling in the pan? You take away the broom.
- When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers I stop at nothing to avoid them.
- What food makes women stop giving blow jobs? Wedding cake
- I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid... I can stop whenever I want
Stopped Waitress Jokes
Here is a list of funny stopped waitress jokes and even better stopped waitress puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass? Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!
- Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that... She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."
- They had to stop the leprosy hockey game Due to a face-off in the corner.
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress
Hilarious Fun Stopped Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about stopped you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shutdown jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stopped pranks.
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the d**... atrocious.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
So a Higgs Boson particle goes into a catholic church
And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop.
The bishop says, "Sir, I can't allow you in here."
"What? Why?" the particle responds.
"You call yourself the 'God particle.' That's blasphemy against our Lord."
"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah sure," the bishop responds. "Might as well."
"So," the Higgs Boson begins, "if you don't allow me in here, how do you have mass?"
So God's getting ready to go on vaction...
And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'
I hate going through airport security...
For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.
Bag limit.
A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the man he has too many fish and he is going to cite the fishermen. The fishermen says "No, you see these are my pet fish. I didn't catch them I called them to me". The warden doesn't believe the guy, and so the fishermen tells the warden he will show him. The guy dumps the cooler of fish in the water. The warden waits a minute and says to the guy "ok now call the fish back".
...
"What fish?"
I bought my dog a new toy...
...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".
An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.
The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
A guy stopped me on the street today and tried to sell me a coffin...
I said "That's the last thing I need"
A Man Walks Into A Bar...
And orders 3 shots for himself. The bartender asks why 3 shots? The man says that he has two brothers overseas and that whenever they drink, they all drink for each other as well.
A few weeks later, the same man comes in again and orders 2 shots for himself. The bartender asks the man if something happened to one of his brothers. The man replies "Nah, I've just stopped drinking."
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m
...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
A Russian is travelling to Poland...
and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.
"Name?" the officer asked.
"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.
"Nationality?"
"Russian."
"Occupation?"
"No, no, just visiting."
So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?"
I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"
A man gets pulled over by the police...
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Saw my ex...
On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding...
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
A friend and I were playing chess, and we wanted to make things interesting.
So we stopped playing chess.
Life after death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's f**..., she stopped in to see you."
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
There once was a man from Peru,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
My friend called me today and said he was going to kill himself by jumping off of a cliff that overlooked a body of water unless I stopped specifying the names of geological formations for him.
I said back, "That's a bluff".
A German man goes on holiday
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
My brother and I were playing chess, and I said to him 'care to make this interesting?' He said 'sure'.
So we stopped playing chess.
Smoking two cigarettes at once
A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".
The U.S mint stopped making pennies.
I don't know why, it doesn't make any cents.
Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.
Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!!
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!
An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?
The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.
I stopped smoking w**... the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...
....while using my phone's flashlight
There's an old Native American man that sits in a teepee along the road I take to work.
Every morning for a while now I stop in and ask him what the weather will be that day. Rain, snow, sun, clouds. He's always right.
Well yesterday I stopped in just like normal and asked what the weather was going to be like.
"Got no clue", he said.
I was shocked. "What's different about today that you don't know?"
He just shook his head sadly. "Radio broke."
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...
"Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
My girlfriend asked me to name...
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
I stopped my car beside a p**... last night.
As she got in I asked, *"How much for a b**...?"*
She said, *"Thirty dollars."*
I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*
*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.
I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*
My mother-in-law fell down our well last week but she is fine
she stopped crying for help 2 days ago
The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm...
Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
What happened when the escalator broke down?
Everyone stopped and staired! 🥁
An old woman stopped me and asked
"Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus
I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....
We can collect her ashes tomorrow.
My Dad had a headache the other day so I asked if he needed any pills.
He said "The only pills that could have stopped this head ache should have been taken 16 years ago"
A police officer stopped my mom's car.
Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
And my mom hit the accelerator.
They always asked me if I play basketball because I was tall.
They stopped asking me that when I asked them if they play mini golf.
A German man visiting France
He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
"Hans Muller" replies the German.
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting this time."
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my s**... partners in order...
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
A police officer stopped me on the highway
He told me "Papers, please".
I responded with "Scissors, I win !" and went back on my way.
I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. Get your lips off my wife,
I snapped pulling him off her. But sir, I'm not kissing her! He pleaded. She's stopped breathing.
Do I need to repeat myself?
My wife just stopped and said, "you weren't even listening were you"...
I thought, that's a funny way to start a conversation
What did God become when he lost his confidence?
An atheist, because he stopped believing in himself.
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now,
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.
She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm p**... I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says s**... down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.
09:51 Find m**... victim.
09:51 Cordon off the area.
09:51 Start searching for m**... weapon.
09:51 Realise watch has stopped.
Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar
So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them
He's in love with the shape of u
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?
The man replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.
You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.
I did, the man replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach.
The other day, I was on a submarine tour.
I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.
Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.
"Err, this isn't the right sub."
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?
A guy on the street stopped me to give me a flier on anger management.
I lost it.
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said:
Burrr… gurrr… King.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day...
I stopped seeing her for a while.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
People hate the police so much these days...
...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.
The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."
There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together
They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?
He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.
After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?
He said: no, I stopped smoking.
A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.
The officer looked in the back of Jeff's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?
Jeff replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.
You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving down the road once again. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.
I did, Jeff replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach."
I used to date a cross-eyed girl.
I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Where are we?
Not mine:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
A taxi passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, By the way, which companies are after you? I responded, The gas, electric and cable company.
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"