The Best 80 Stop Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Stop jokes. There are some stop desist jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stop incessant puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Stop Jokes and Puns
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
Girl: "Come over"
Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?
They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter.
But I can't. I'm on a roll now
Corniest joke I know.
Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners playboy mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the playboy mansion seeing two friars outside.
Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.
The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Badum psh
Doctor: I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating.
Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"
Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.
You can explore stop bus stop reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stop start dad jokes. There are also stop puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
I had to put my foot down
A guy wakes up from a coma.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.
So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?
Invite two of them.
Letter from 7 to 6
Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.
Sincerely,
7
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.
They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito?
Your mom doesn't stop sucking when I smack her
My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.
I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?
They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.
When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers
I stop at nothing to avoid them.
My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.
But i can stop any time i want.
My friend told me I don't know what irony is...
Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.
Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
Say what you like about Donald Trump..
But he's doing more than anyone else in the world to stop Donald Trump from being elected president.
I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...
I can stop whenever I want
I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.
He said Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop.
Last time I went for an eye exam, the doctor said to me, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."
When I asked him why that could possibly be necessary, he said
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."
Quick question...
How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?
To stop hispanic attacks.
My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.
Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
I told myself I should stop drinking...
But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?
Wedding cake
Stop calling it the Zelda Franchise - It's called the Zelda Chain.
Because there's so many Links
Stop bullying fat people, it isn't funny
They have enough on their plate anyway.
Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...
Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."
Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."
Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.
As she got in I asked, *"How much for a blow job?"*
She said, *"Thirty dollars."*
I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*
*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.
I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*
Today I realized I have a bit of a logic fetish....
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me...
I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face
Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!
Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!
When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you're eating a watermelon!
Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"
Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"
Student: I is the...
Teacher: stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: okay! I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
My girlfriend begged me to stop singing Wonderwall...
I said maybe.
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice...
I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.
Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-
Terrorist: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..
Cause I'm trying to give you a physical
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
My carbon monoxide detector won't stop beeping.
It's giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.
My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking
And then I saw her face...
How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" or she'd kill me. I thought she was joking...
...and then I saw her face...
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Guy: I'm hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone's gonna hear us. Over.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...
In one ear, out the other.
Funny how things are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still have jobs
Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s
Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.
As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.
A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"
-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!
Girl: Come over
Guy: I'm coming over
Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....
So she says to her baby
_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her
10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_
5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells
_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_
Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.
He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"
I farted in class and the teacher threw me out. The principle asks him again, Well then, why are you laughing?
Because those idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I'm outside in the fresh air."
PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.
I was almost kidnapped three times today.
Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.
Wall Street execs to redditors:
"This isn't a game. Stop!"
My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn't like it
I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"
I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Man at the bus stop with a penguin
There was a policeman driving down the road and he spotted a man standing at the bus stop with a penguin.
The policeman stopped and said Excuse me sir, is this your penguin?
The man says No it's not my penguin so the policeman says Well can you take it to the zoo then.
The next day the same policeman is driving down the same road and sees the same man stood at the same bus stop with the same penguin.
He pulls over and says Oi, I thought I told you to take this penguin to the zoo!
The man says Yeah I did, but today we're going to the seaside.
Did you hear about the new Bruce Willis movie?
Bruce Willis has to go undercover in a retirement home for nuns to stop a terrorist plot.
It's called "Old Habits Die Hard".
Dear receptionists.....
.. Please stop telling me to take a seat. I already have 25 chairs in my house from different offices.
My wife is concerned at the amount of brake fluid I drink and thinks I may have a problem...
I told her "It's ok, I can stop whenever I want! "
I stopped going to the gym and started drinking instead.
I call it Bacardio.
It might never stop raining in England
Yet german weather will be always Wetter.
Knock knock
-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Grandpa!
-Oh shit, stop the funeral!
(Gary Delaney joke)
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stop tired jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working stop passengers piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.