The Best 79 Stop Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Stop jokes. There are some stop desist jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stop truck stop puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Stop Jokes and Puns
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
Girl: "Come over"
Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?
They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
I had to put my foot down
A guy wakes up from a coma.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.
So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
You can explore stop bus stop reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stop start dad jokes. There are also stop puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?
Invite two of them.
Letter from 7 to 6
Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.
Sincerely,
7
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.
They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito?
Your mom doesn't stop sucking when I smack her
My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.
I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?
They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.
When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers
I stop at nothing to avoid them.
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.
Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...
I can stop whenever I want
Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?
To stop hispanic attacks.
I told myself I should stop drinking...
But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?
Wedding cake
Stop calling it the Zelda Franchise - It's called the Zelda Chain.
Because there's so many Links
Stop bullying fat people, it isn't funny
They have enough on their plate anyway.
Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!
Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!
When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you're eating a watermelon!
My girlfriend begged me to stop singing Wonderwall...
I said maybe.
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice...
I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.
Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-
Terrorist: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..
Cause I'm trying to give you a physical
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
My carbon monoxide detector won't stop beeping.
It's giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.
My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking
And then I saw her face...
How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Guy: I'm hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone's gonna hear us. Over.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...
In one ear, out the other.
A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"
-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!
Girl: Come over
Guy: I'm coming over
Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....
So she says to her baby
_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her
10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_
5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells
_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_
Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.
He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"
I farted in class and the teacher threw me out. The principle asks him again, Well then, why are you laughing?
Because those idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I'm outside in the fresh air."
Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.
Wall Street execs to redditors:
"This isn't a game. Stop!"
My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn't like it
I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"
I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor
You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?
You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.
After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...
...they dilate!
Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."
Contestant: "C-U-N..."
Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."
Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Vivaldi.
VanDamme: I'll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I'm not saying it.
I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.
How do you get Canadian bacon to stop curling in the pan?
You take away the broom.
2 wives go on a girls night out
On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.
The first takes off her panties and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.
The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:
"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no panties. "
The other husband says:
"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "
My wife left me because I couldn't stop doing impressions of pasta
And now I'm cannelloni
I was washing the car with my son yesterday
He kept shouting, 'Mum, stop! Why can't you use a sponge!' 😀
Girl named IKEA had to change her name to stop being picked on at school.
However stop being picked on at school is arguably a worse choice.
I asked my wife So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty? And you know what she said?
Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!
Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon
Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it's starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.
Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Biden throws out an AR-15 and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Zelensky throws out Putin and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway and looks at Biden smugly as they crash anyways due to the massive weight of Zelensky's balls.
My wife complains to me about constantly being sexually harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office
Two guys are playing chess.
One says to the other, "How about we make this more interesting?"
So they stop playing chess.
Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.
This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back
I'm really tired of people complaining about the price of everything. $2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking.....
......I'm just going to stop inviting them to my house.
After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains
A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X. Shes not coming back.
...and we don't know Y either.
My wife asked if I could stop singing 'Wonderwall'
I said maybe
A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.
Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.
But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line."
"Wow," the woman said, "glad to hear it."
"If I may ask," said the Parrot, "what on Earth
did that turkey say to you?"
Vampires are actually very successful artists with a common flaw...
Whenever they are doing a face portrait they always stop below the chin...
Whenever they are sketching a figure they always stop at the top of the shoulders....
But this is cuz they suck at necks.
Two blondes and a bus
Two blondes are standing at a bus stop.
One asks the other:
"Which bus are you taking?"
"Number 1. And you?"
"Two."
The bus with the number 12 is coming. One of them says to the other:
"Look, we're going together!"
My wife says if I don't stop making puns about Russia, she's going to hit me.
If that's the way it's going to be, then Soviet.
I'm already going 75 mph in a 35 zone, stop tailgating me!
Also the blinking lights on top of your car looks stupid
A travelling Bishop made a stop at a monastery
He walked around and was surprised with many monks praying and smoking at the same time. He asked the monastery superior about it.
Monk: "Well, we requested Synod to clarify whether it was OK to smoke while praying. They said NO"
Bishop: "????? ......"
Monk: " .... but then we asked whether it was OK to pray while smoking and they found nothing wrong with that"
I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke....
This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.
Took my dad shopping for some new shoes
He's 86 and found it quite tiring so we stopped for a coffee and a sandwich. While sitting there some teenagers sat at the table next to us.
One of them had a Mohican hairdo that was dyed all the colours of the rainbow and my dad wouldn't stop staring at him.
Eventually the boy got fed up of this and asked my dad sarcastically 'what is your problem old man haven't you ever done anything wild just for fun'
My dad, without missing a beat, replied
'I got drunk once in my 20's and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son'
How do you stop a lawyer from bleeding out?
Attorney kit.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stop incessant puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working stop stop making piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.