Stoned Jokes

What are some Stoned jokes?

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

- Leviticus 20:13 ESV

Amsterdam - have sex and get stoned.

Saudi Arabia - have sex and get stoned.

The Quran is like weed

Burn it and you get stoned.

What is the difference between a hippie girl and a muslim girl?

The hippie girl gets stoned before sex.

What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive)

American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage

because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE sex.

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

My gay friend got stoned today.

I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13]

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

Get Stoned Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

So I was about to roll a joint with a page from the Qur'an...

But I decided that I didn't really feel like getting stoned.

How is an American teen girl different from an Arab teen girl.

An American teen girl gets stoned *before* she has sex.

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

In both countries, it's legal to get stoned.

What does the Quran have in common with weed?

Burn it and you get stoned

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

I saw a rock the other day that has been painted on..

The words: Turn me Over ----->


I turn the rock over then it says:



"You just took orders from a rock


Are you stoned?"

What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country?

Simple, you get stoned twice

Why did Medusa order pizza?

Her boyfriend was stoned.

After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.

As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."

I asked my pusher for something to burn that would get me stoned.

He gave me the Koran.

The Bible says it's okay to be gay

So long as you're high


Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

Israel officially decriminalizes marijuana use

So that's one country in the middle east where I wouldn't mind being stoned.

What does an american teenager and a middle eastern feminist have in common?

They're both getting stoned.

What happens when you smoke pot in Saudi Arabia?

You get stoned.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

I call my weed the Qur'an

when I burn it, I get stoned.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

What do you call a stoned Irishman?

A baked potato.

What do you give a stoned communist who did well on a test?

High Marx.

My friends and I were betting

My friends and I were betting, how much weed would it take to get a cow stoned.

Needless to say, the steaks were high

(Never heard this joke before, I hope it is original)

A koala bear is smoking a joint...

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint, When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink... The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'

Why shouldn't you give Muslim Women drugs?

They'll get stoned. (Ba-dum tss)

Life hack for driving

Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.

What's the difference between Muslim women and white women?

White women get stoned **BEFORE** sex.

How do fish get stoned...

...Seaweed.

A man who lies with another man should be stoned.

It helps. Thats all I'm saying!

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

... when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

An Australian joke...

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

The koala looked down at him and said,

'FUCK ME! How much water did you drink!?'

The real reason Washington state passed Gay-marriage and recreational marijuana use.

Because the bible says when two men lie together, they should be stoned.

the Bible says

"If a man is to lay with another man he should be stoned." in my experience it helps

It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be...

Too stoned with one bird.

What do you call a stoned pig?

Baked Ham

So this guy gets pulled over...

He's speeding and clearly stoned.

The police officer says:

"How high are you?"

And the man replies

"No officer, it's hi how are you."

How do you tell the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver speeds through a red light like there's nothing there, and a stoned driver waits for the stop sign to turn green.

I call my Marijuana the Koran

Because burning either one will get you stoned

^

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.

The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"

The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.

The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."

The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

What do you call it when a bunch of stoned poets overthrow the government?

A Haiku.

Why don't you ever see any Muslim methheads?

They all just get stoned instead.

What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?

A hybrid

LEGIT :)

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned. Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Why do people buy weed from Medusa?

To get stoned.

What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed?

You would be stoned to death.

My friend was caught with a kilo of weed in Saudi Arabia.

He was stoned.

How to make Stoned jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Stoned to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Stoned? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Stoned pick up lines to share with friends.

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