stoned Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious stoned puns

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

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The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

- Leviticus 20:13 ESV

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Amsterdam - have sex and get stoned.

Saudi Arabia - have sex and get stoned.

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I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

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The Quran is like weed

Burn it and you get stoned.

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What is the difference between a hippie girl and a muslim girl?

The hippie girl gets stoned before sex.

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What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive)

American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

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Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage

because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned

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What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

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What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE sex.

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What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

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What the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? (offensive be warned)

American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

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My gay friend got stoned today.

I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13]

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What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

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Get Stoned Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

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So I was about to roll a joint with a page from the Qur'an...

But I decided that I didn't really feel like getting stoned.

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How is an American teen girl different from an Arab teen girl.

An American teen girl gets stoned *before* she has sex.

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Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women?

American women get stoned before they commit adultery..

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What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

In both countries, it's legal to get stoned.

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What does the Quran have in common with weed?

Burn it and you get stoned

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Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

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Jesus saw a woman being stoned and rushed to protect her.

He shouted to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the next stone."

A single stone smacked Jesus on the back of the head.

He turned around and yelled, "Fuck off, mother!"

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I saw a rock the other day that has been painted on..

The words: Turn me Over ----->


I turn the rock over then it says:



"You just took orders from a rock


Are you stoned?"

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What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country?

Simple, you get stoned twice

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Whats the difference between Arab girls and American girls?

American girls get stoned before they have sex.

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Why did Medusa order pizza?

Her boyfriend was stoned.

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What do you do if you're riding a horse, with a giraffe next to you, and a lion chasing it?

Get your stoned ass off the merry-go-round.

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After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.

As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."

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I asked my pusher for something to burn that would get me stoned.

He gave me the Koran.

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The Bible says it's okay to be gay

So long as you're high


Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

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Israel officially decriminalizes marijuana use

So that's one country in the middle east where I wouldn't mind being stoned.

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What does an american teenager and a middle eastern feminist have in common?

They're both getting stoned.

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What happens when you smoke pot in Saudi Arabia?

You get stoned.

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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

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What are the most funny Stoned jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Stoned? Well, here are the best Stoned dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Stoned pick up lines to share with friends.

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