Stone Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.

I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

Why did the stoner put laxatives in the weedbrownies?

For shits and giggles.

COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

How do stoners propose to one another?

Marriage, you wanna?

Why did the stoner put laxatives in the pot brownies?

For shits and giggles

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a naked woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!

What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone?

BILLY MAYS HERE!

Get Stoned Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It's the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

Why does nobody like a rich stone?

Because he takes everything for granite.

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

My stoner neighbors got divorced

but it's okay because they got joint custody

I dated a couple of anorexic girls once.

Two birds, one stone.

Jesus saw a woman being stoned and rushed to protect her.

He shouted to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the next stone."

A single stone smacked Jesus on the back of the head.

He turned around and yelled, "Fuck off, mother!"

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

3 guys were sleeping in one bed...

... And when they woke up in the morning, the guy on the right says " I just had the best dream last night! I dreamt that Sofia Vergara was giving me a handjob!"

The guy on the left then said "really? I dreamt that Emma Stone was also giving me a handjob!"

The guy who slept on the middle then says, "I dunno what the hell is wrong with you guys, but I dreamt that I was skiing."

Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?

They crucified the carpenter.

She left me a note...

I will never understand my wife, she is so sensitive.
I come home from work last night and she'd left a note on the fridge...

"It's no good Harry, it's just not working. I am going to stay at my mums for a few days."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was stone cold.
What the fuck?

Two boys were walking in the forest...

... and they came across the most beautiful women taking a bath in a hot spring. Upon seeing this, one boy took of running, and the other went after him. When he caught up to the other he asked "Why did you run off?". To this the other replied "Well, my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked women I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard!"

Why are stoners and prime numbers so similar?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they become

A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

Thanos goes to his urologist.

The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"

I used to be a stoner in my home country...

...but then I started to respect women

Two nuns went for a bike ride and ride down a cobble stone street

One says I haven't come this way before.
The other says neither have I just hold on and enjoy it

If you ever meet a girl named stone...

Don't take her for granite

2 teenage friends were outside when they saw a female streaker walking down the street.

One of them ran away as soon as he saw her, but the other one stayed and watched for a while.

They saw each other at school the next day, and the one who stayed asked his friend why he ran away. His friend said "My mom said that if I ever look at a naked girl too long I'll turn to stone. And I already felt something getting hard."

Want to know the secret to killing two birds with one stone?

Throw it twice.

Where do stoner cars store their weed?

In potholes.

I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

I know it's only 6 words, but I'm proud of myself.

What did Medusa tell the perv before she turned him into stone?

My eyes are up here

Geologist humor

Tim: Hey, what kind of stone is this?

Geologist: Oh, that's leaverite.

Tim: Really?

Geologist: Yeah. Leaverite there, it's just a fucking rock.

For the Catholics

A woman was taken into adultery and a group of men approached Jesus and said to him, "This woman was taken in adultery and by the law she should be stoned to death. But what say you?"

Jesus thought and said, "I say that he among you who is without sin should throw the first stone."

At that, all the gathered multitude tossed their stones away and crept off, shamefaced--at least, all but one middle-aged woman who hefted half a brick in her hand. Taking careful aim, she sent it flying, struck the woman taken in adultery in the forehead, and felled her.

Shaking his head, Jesus walked over to the woman who had thrown the brick and said, "Sometimes you piss me off, Mom."

A man is condemned to death by stoning

A man is condemned to death by stoning. As the people gather around him and get ready to begin, Jesus emerges from the crowd and stands by the man. He says to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

The crowd is taken aback, and begins to disperse, when an old lady comes forward, picks up a large rock, and hurls it at the condemned. The crowd quickly joins in and the man dies.

When the dust settles, Jesus walks up to the old lady and says "You know, I'm getting real sick of your shit mom."

What happens when you give Eevee a French stone?

You get a Napoleon

Morning!

I was walking through a graveyard yesterday morning, and saw a guy crouched down behind a grave stone.


"Morning!" I shouted.


"Nah, just taking a shit!" He responded.

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower of meat all over the place."
Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.


The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars
"Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"

Two skeletons want to go to a party...

One goes back to the cemetary and returns with his tombstone. The other one asks: "what's up with the stone?"

"They always want to see an ID."

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar in Scotland and sits down beside an old man. They strike up a conversation and the old man says,

"Laddie, do ya see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with me own hands, but do they call me Angus the wallbuilder? No."

The guy nods appreciatively and the old man says,

"Do you ya see this bar here? I built this bar with me own hands, but do they call me Angus the bar builder? No sir."

The guy nods again and finally the old man says, "Arrgh...but ya fuck one sheep..."

A tourist is lost in the deepest part of the Amazon...

Once there was a tourist lost in the deepest part of the Amazon. After a few days, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by hundreds of blood-thirsty natives. He looks up to the sky and says, "Oh my God, I'm screwed!!"

All of a sudden, the sky opens up, and there is a beam of light streaming down on him, and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your foot, and smash it onto the skull of the chief."

So the tourist looks down, and sees the stone. He picks it up, and bashes the life out of the chief, who is standing right in front of him. The chief is down on the ground, bleeding and lifeless, with his tribesmen in shock and disbelief.

Now, the sky opens up once again, and the voice booms out... "NOW, you're screwed."

This piece of tarmac is arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!"
2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner.
A hush falls over the bar.
Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace.
"Hey guys, whose the hardest?"
"We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

Stone and birds...

There was a native American once named 'One Stone' because he was born with
one testicle. He hated his name. He proclaimed if anyone ever called him that again, he would take their life.

One day a young woman named 'Bluebird' forgot and called him '1 stone'. He made love to her until she died from exhaustion.

Years passed an no one called him that again. Until one day 'Yellowbird' returned to the village and let it slip. He made love to her for 5 days and she would not die.

He was perplexed.

When he went to his chief to inquire, the chief replied "Don't be silly. Everyone knows you can't kill two birds with one stone"

The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.

The first bat goes, and 30 minutes later he returns with blood dripping from his teeth. The others ask what happened, and he says, "See that stone house across the hill," The other two nod, "Well, I went inside and there was a very heafty women asleep in her chambers, ripe for the picking."

Impressed, the second bat goes off, and 30 minutes later, he returns with blood splatered across his face. The other ask what happened, and he says, "See that moated mansion over there," They nod, "Well there was a banquet inside, and by the time they realized what was happening to the guests, I was long gone."

Not wanting to lose the competition, the third bat goes off, and 30 minutes later he returns, his body dripping, wing to wing, with blood. The others, shocked, asked him what happened, and he says, "See that spiked wall castle across the hill," the others had to look quite far into the distance, but eventually nodded and said they saw it. "Well," the bat replies, "I didn't."

My grandpa always told me to take every opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.

He hated birds. [](/celestlol)

So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:

What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?


You skip them both.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon...

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "NOW you are screwed."

Ladies night out

Two women are walking home from the bar, they have to piss so they slip into a cemetary. One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses a wreath off a head stone. Next night, their husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife. She came home with no panties on last night." The other one says "Oh, well, mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying you were loved and will be missed by the entire fire department."

I'm in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We're a rock band.

Turning into stone

There were two boys taking a walk through the woods. They eventually cam upon a nice calm river. While they are enjoying the view they notice a woman standing in the nude, bathing. Immediately after seeing her one of the boys runs back through the woods. The other boy chased him and when he catches up he asks,"Why did you run away from the river?" The boy replies,"My mom said that if I stare at naked women I will turn into stone and I felt something getting hard!"

What does a stoner with Parkinson's disease do in the morning?

Shake and bake.

My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is high on my list of priorities.

My grandpa's favorite joke/ gag

I was out in the woods with him one day when he bent over and picked up this funky looking rock. He studied it carefully and told me this rock was a "old Indian sex stone" and handed it to me. After studying it myself I asked him what made it a sex stone and he told me "it's a fucking rock"

Sister Mary and Sister Francis are riding their bikes from the vestibule to the rectory....

Sister Mary says to Sister Francis, "I've never came this way before!"
And Sister Francis says "It must be the cobble stone street!"

Little jimmys mom told him that if he ever did a bad thing as punishment he would turn to stone....

One day jimmy went down to the pond with him friend Billy to fish when they saw a beautiful woman naked swimming in the pond the two kids watched in awe when suddenly jimmy ran away scarred

Jimmy ran home to his mom crying saying "sorry I did a bad thing!" "What did you do asked jimmy's mom?" Jimmy wiped away a tear and said "I saw a naked lady in the pond and I got scarred because I started to feel like I was turning to stone so I ran."

My stoner buddy just rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is now high on my list of priorities.

An explorer in the Amazon finds himself surrounded by a group of cannibals.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: **"No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."**

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief.

He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: **"*Now* you're screwed."**

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner

How much for that TV set in the window?
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, I don't sell stuff to potheads. So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?
And the owner says, I told you I don't sell to potheads! So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, How much for that TV?
The owner says, I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, How can you tell I'm a pothead?
The owner looks back and says, Because that's a microwave

HAPPY 4-20

A Joke for Mother's Day

An angry mob is getting prepared to stone a woman to death for allegedly committing adultery, when Jesus steps out and stands between the woman and the crowd. "Do not be so quick to judge the actions of others!" He proclaimed, "You all have had your moments of weakness. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Just as the crowd quited down and lowered their stones, a little old woman started hobbling her way down the aisle. When she eventually got down to the front, she cocked her arm back, and chucked a huge rock right at the chained woman's forehead. With the rest of the crowd pelting the woman with rocks and yelling, Jesus turns to the little old lady and says "You know, mom, sometimes you can be a real bitch."
Happy Mother's Day!

Two women go out to a bar and get hammered...

On the walk home, they both have to pee.

One woman pees in her pants, and throws away her panties. The other goes into the cemetery they were walking by and pees near a tombstone, using a wreath placed on the stone to clean up before going home.

The next morning, their husbands talk about their wives' conditions the night before.

We need to control our wives, said the first husband. Last night my wife came home without panties.

The other exclaimed, You think that's bad? Last night my wife came home with a card up her ass that said 'the boys from the firehouse miss you!'

An Old Scott

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat..."

There was a native american with only one testicle...

Everyone in the tribe called him One Stone. He hated the name, but everyone would always say, "Hey, One Stone!"

This went on for several years until finally he snapped and said, "If someone calls me One Stone once more I swear I'm gonna kill'em"
Everyone in the tribe gets scared at hearing this so no one mentions the name ever again.

However, one day this girl named Blue Jay goes up to him and says, "Hey One Stone! It's been a long time!" So he gets super pissed, takes her up to the mountains and kills her.

A week goes by and then a girl named Yellow Bird goes up to him and says, "Hey One Stone! How have you been?" So he gets super pissed, takes her up to the mountains and kills her.
But she doesn't die. Do you know why?

Because you can't kill two birds with one stone.

How did the stoner die?

From blunt force trauma

Why couldnt anyone else pull the sword from the stone?

They didn't have the arthurization.

What are the funniest stone jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Stone? Well, here are the best Stone puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Stone pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes