The Best 73 Stone Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Stone jokes. There are some stone granite jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stone kidney stone puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Stone Jokes and Puns

What does a stoner with Parkinson's disease do in the morning?

Shake and bake.

I'm going out with two anorexic girls,

Two birds, one stone

Two skeletons want to go to a party...

One goes back to the cemetary and returns with his tombstone. The other one asks: "what's up with the stone?"

"They always want to see an ID."

Stone joke, Two skeletons want to go to a party...

Two boys were walking in the forest...

... and they came across the most beautiful women taking a bath in a hot spring. Upon seeing this, one boy took of running, and the other went after him. When he caught up to the other he asked "Why did you run off?". To this the other replied "Well, my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked women I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard!"

Why does nobody like a rich stone?

Because he takes everything for granite.

My grandpa always told me to take every opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.

He hated birds. [](/celestlol)

What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone?


Stone joke, What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone?

So two boys are by the lake...

...and see a naked women. One runs away crying while the other stays.

Later, they meet up and the one that stayed said, "Why did you run away like that?"

"Mummy said if I saw a naked women I would turn to stone, and I felt something going hard!"

Turning into stone

There were two boys taking a walk through the woods. They eventually cam upon a nice calm river. While they are enjoying the view they notice a woman standing in the nude, bathing. Immediately after seeing her one of the boys runs back through the woods. The other boy chased him and when he catches up he asks,"Why did you run away from the river?" The boy replies,"My mom said that if I stare at naked women I will turn into stone and I felt something getting hard!"

How do you get a stoner to comprehend what you're saying?

Put it bluntly.

Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?

They crucified the carpenter.

You can explore stone loch reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stone concussions dad jokes. There are also stone puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

My stoner neighbors got divorced

but it's okay because they got joint custody

Where do stoner cars store their weed?

In potholes.

Sister Mary and Sister Francis are riding their bikes from the vestibule to the rectory....

Sister Mary says to Sister Francis, "I've never came this way before!"
And Sister Francis says "It must be the cobble stone street!"

If you ever meet a girl named stone...

Don't take her for granite

Stone joke, If you ever meet a girl named stone...

Little Johnny is playing near a river with his friend...

They see a nude woman and stand there staring. All of a sudden, Little Johnny runs away. His friend later catches up with him and asks him why he ran away. Little Johnny replies "My mom said if I ever stared at a naked woman I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard down there

I used to be a stoner in my home country...

...but then I started to respect women

I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.

A man's wife is showing off her new bikini at the beach....

"Do you notice the difference?" she said "I've lost a stone".

The man picks up the smallest pebble he can find and throws it into the water. "The beach has lost a stone. Do you notice the difference?"

Cast the first stone...

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

Want to know the secret to killing two birds with one stone?

Throw it twice.

So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:

What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?

You skip them both.

Get Stoned Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

I just found a rock that is 1760 yards long...

It must be a mile stone!

King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone.

King Arthritis on the other hand...

A lesbian couple gets married and decides to only get 1 diamond ring between them

Two birds, one stone

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

How do stoners propose to one another?

Marriage, you wanna?

Why are stoners and prime numbers so similar?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they become

How did the stoner die?

From blunt force trauma

I dated a couple of anorexic girls once.

Two birds, one stone.

2 teenage friends were outside when they saw a female streaker walking down the street.

One of them ran away as soon as he saw her, but the other one stayed and watched for a while.

They saw each other at school the next day, and the one who stayed asked his friend why he ran away. His friend said "My mom said that if I ever look at a naked girl too long I'll turn to stone. And I already felt something getting hard."

If a stoner was giving you orders...

Would you address them as "your highness"?

I'm in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We're a rock band.

(Infinity War Speculation) When Thanos gains the mind stone, he will turn into Palpatine.

Because The Avengers will pay for their lack of Vision.

Thanos goes to his urologist.

The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a naked woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!

Two nuns went for a bike ride and ride down a cobble stone street

One says I haven't come this way before.
The other says neither have I just hold on and enjoy it

My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is high on my list of priorities.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.

I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower of meat all over the place."
Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.

The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars
"Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"


Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It's the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

I know it's only 6 words, but I'm proud of myself.

What happens when you give Eevee a French stone?

You get a Napoleon

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

Why couldnt anyone else pull the sword from the stone?

They didn't have the arthurization.

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

What did Medusa tell the perv before she turned him into stone?

My eyes are up here

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

Around this time of the year, I start carrying around a stone with me to throw at people who are singing Christmas songs already.

It's my jingle bell rock.

I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Jesus and the woman taken in adultery

The crowd is about to stone her, but Jesus steps in front of them and says "Verily, the one who is among you that is without sin may cast the first stone!"

All of them let their hand sink, bow their heads in shame. There suddenly, from the back, a stone comes flying, hitting the woman squarely in the face. Furiously, Jesus storms through the crowd to see who dared to, who thinks himself to be without sin. He finds the thrower, grimaces and stomps his feet.

"Stop doing this! You always do that, always you have to embarrass me in front of my friends, MOM!"

What does a stoner do when he sees a space man?

He parks in it, man.

Stoner thought of the day:

Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter.. ... Until your lighter gets so lighter it wont light again

What do stoners and arthritis have in common??

They both inflame joints.

How do you get a kidney stone?

By living a sedimentary life style.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

Why wouldn't they let the stoner on the basketball team?

Because he couldn't jump high

Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein

I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.

My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint

He's now high on my list of priorities.

My Vietnamese friend killed two birds with one stone

I guess that's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.

Them: What if Medusa turned you to cheese instead of stone?

Me, an intellectual: Ah yes, Gorgonzola

Rest in Peace

A well known Hollywood actress died in an accident and her numerous friends got together to hire the country's highest paid poet to compose an epitaph for her.

When the stone was laid across the top, it read:

"At last, she sleeps alone."

I had a stone that I thought was something else, but a geologist friend told me it was gneiss.

I'm afraid i took it for granite.

What did the pee say when it was blocked by a kidney stone?

"Urine my way."

10 years ago I went camping at yellow stone and my wife got pregnant.

2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again.

After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me.

At the dawn of the Stone Age…

Og the caveman noticed that after a long period of darkness the sun would rise, traverse across the sky and then sink below the horizon.

Then darkness… until the sun would again rise once again, travel across the sky and sink below the horizon.

Again and again. Over and over.

Og wished to give a name to this event.

He thought long and hard. He tried all
sorts of words until his brain hurt and his tongue lolled in his mouth.

He tried every variation of sounds he could think of until he was exhausted.

In the end, utterly exhausted, he just gave up and called it a day.

Our tour guide wanted to bring our attention to the sand stone to our right

He didn't want us to take it for granite

Happy St Patrick's Day!

If you can't kiss the Blarney Stone today, just use a fake substitute. Any sham rock will do.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stone boulder jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working stone skips piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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