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Stone Jokes

144 stone jokes and hilarious stone puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stone that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article explores the funniest jokes related to stones, rocks, and minerals. It covers different popular humorous references to kidney stones, rolling stones, Blarney Stones, cobbles, and more. Read on to chuckle at some of the most entertaining jokes about stones!

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Funniest Stone Short Jokes

Short stone jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stone humour may include short rock jokes also.

  1. My neighbor's in the guinness book of records. He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.
  2. I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum. It still has potential.
  3. A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken. It's the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.
  4. It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby. Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
  5. "Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son. "Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
  6. My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach. It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.
  7. Thanos goes to his urologist. The urologist says, "Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone"
  8. People in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones... They should use them to build proper houses.
  9. I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I know it's only 6 words, but I'm proud of myself.
  10. The asteroid event that ended dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone

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Stone One Liners

Which stone one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stone? I can suggest the ones about stein and steel.

  1. What's Sisyphus' least favorite band? Rolling Stones
  2. Why is a German stone intelligent? Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein
  3. What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone? BILLY MAYS HERE!
  4. Why does nobody like a rich stone? Because he takes everything for granite.
  5. I dated a couple of anorexic girls once. Two birds, one stone.
  6. Why were all Roman buildings made of stone? They crucified the carpenter.
  7. If you ever meet a girl named stone... Don't take her for granite
  8. Want to know the secret to killing two birds with one stone? Throw it twice.
  9. What happens when you give Eevee a French stone? You get a Napoleon
  10. My girlfriend likes golden meteor showers (I have kidney stones)
  11. My house is a stone's throw away from the bus stop. It's the one with broken windows.
  12. What do you call a gay guy's kidney stones? Fruity pebbles
  13. What did the pee say when it was blocked by a kidney stone? "u**... my way."
  14. I passed my kidney stones with flying colors! But mostly red.
  15. What would happen if The Styx and The Stones got a band together? It wood rock.

Rolling Stone Jokes

Here is a list of funny rolling stone jokes and even better rolling stone puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones. We're a rock band.
  • What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones? The Rolling Stones sing "hey you... Get off of my cloud."
    The Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe."
  • What's the difference between a Scotsmen and The Rolling Stones? The Rolling Stones would yell 'Hey! You! Get offa mah cloud!"
    But a Scotsmen would tell 'Hey! McCloud! Get offa mah EWE!'
  • What are the Rolling Stones better at than the Bee gees? Stayin' Alive
  • What's the difference between a rolling stone and a Scottish shepherd? One says, "hey, you! Get off of my cloud!"
    The other says, "hey Macleod! Get off of my ewe!"
  • What version of the Rolling Stones' "Hey You, Get Off of My Cloud" is played on Scottish Radio? Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!
  • What's Indiana Jones's least favorite band? The Rolling Stones
  • I wish my parents ran when they heard The Rolling Stones. Now they're stuck under a pile of rocks.
  • Why is it appropriate that the Rolling Stones let their song Start Me Up be used for a Windows 95 commercial? Because it contains the lyrics You'd make a grown man cry.
  • Styx and The Rolling Stones I think Styx and The Rolling Stones should've toured together
    They could've called it the Break Your Bones Tour

Standing Stone Jokes

Here is a list of funny standing stone jokes and even better standing stone puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Stand aside Thanos... Tom Brady has the six infinity stones now.

Passing Kidney Stone Jokes

Here is a list of funny passing kidney stone jokes and even better passing kidney stone puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones. Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.
  • What did Phil Jackson name his kidney stone? Kobe because it never passed
  • Someone asked me what I would do if I had a kidney stone ? I said I'll pass on that
  • This shall not pass Your urologist about you kidney stone
  • Why are GOP healthcare plans like kidney stones? They both hurt people when they pass
  • Just got home from the doctor, apparently I have a couple of kidney stones... It should be okay though, he told me that *these two shall pass.*
  • Pete Carrol has kidney stone complications. It should have been removed by surgery....
    (wait for it)....
    But he decided to try to pass it.
  • Chuck Norris passed a kidney stone once.
    That stone is now known as The Death Star.
  • What did King Solomon say when his doctor told him he had a kidney stone? "This, too, shall pass."

Philosopher Stone Jokes

Here is a list of funny philosopher stone jokes and even better philosopher stone puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the philosopher say to the stone?.... I can't believe they made a film about us
  • If Socrates had kidney problems He could find a philosopher's stone
  • What is the volume of a copy of Harry Potter and the philosopher's stone? One

Kidney Stone Jokes

Here is a list of funny kidney stone jokes and even better kidney stone puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Human-beings get rich as they grow old: Silver in Hair;
    Gold in Teeth;
    Sugar in Blood;
    Precious Stones in Kidney;
    And a never ending supply of Gas!
  • How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy? After a a kidney stone, nobody says let's have another
  • The doctor told Harry Potter to drink 2L of Water a Day, but Harry didn't listen. Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone.
  • The worst band to listen to if you have kidney problems. The Stones.
  • I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever They're infinity stones
  • It took me a couple attempts to clear out this kidney obstruction Two pees for one stone
  • What do you call kidney stones made of lead? Flintstones.
  • How do you call a band of people with kidney disease? The stones.
  • When did Thanos realize that his quest is actually hurting him? When he acquired the kidney stones.
  • What one stone Thanos is afraid of? Kidney.
Stone joke, What one stone Thanos is afraid of?

Cheerful Fun Stone Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about stone you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean glass jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stone pranks.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What does a s**... with Parkinson's disease do in the morning?

Shake and bake.

Two skeletons want to go to a party...

One goes back to the cemetary and returns with his tombstone. The other one asks: "what's up with the stone?"
"They always want to see an ID."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I asked m**... Jagger to pick me up some swampy plants.

But a Rolling Stone gathers no moss.

My grandpa always told me to take every opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.

He hated birds. [](/celestlol)

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What did the s**... alpaca say to the other s**... alpaca?

alpaca 'nother b**...

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Did you hear about Lance Armstrong having a t**...?

He was killing two birds with one stone

What did Medusa call the sheep she turned to stone?

Baaaaasalt

Wet Mail

A man one morning walks out to his mailbox to get his mail. He opens the door, reaches in, and he can feel that the mail is all wet. He gets very upset that his mail is soggy and ruined. He flags down the mailman who has not made it very far and asks..
"Whats the deal with the wet mail?!"
The mailman stone faced looks back at the man and says
"It's because there is Postage Dew."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How do you get a s**... to comprehend what you're saying?

Put it bluntly.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

My s**... neighbors got divorced

but it's okay because they got joint custody

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Where do s**... cars store their w**...?

In potholes.

What do stoners ride to school?

The cannibus

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Little Johnny is playing near a river with his friend...

They see a n**... woman and stand there staring. All of a sudden, Little Johnny runs away. His friend later catches up with him and asks him why he ran away. Little Johnny replies "My mom said if I ever stared at a n**... woman I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard down there

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I used to be a s**... in my home country...

...but then I started to respect women

A man's wife is showing off her new bikini at the beach....

"Do you notice the difference?" she said "I've lost a stone".
The man picks up the smallest pebble he can find and throws it into the water. "The beach has lost a stone. Do you notice the difference?"

Cast the first stone...

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

I was researching the Jackson family tree.

I got back as far as the civil war and then I hit a stone wall.

"Emma Stone"

An Italian man telling you he's high.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:

What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?
You skip them both.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Get s**... Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

Stonewalls seem to be a continuous problem for minority groups.

Black people had to deal with Stonewall Jackson.
Gay people had to deal with the Stonewall riots.
Mexicans will have to deal with a Stonewall.

King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone.

King Arthritis on the other hand...

A lesbian couple gets married and decides to only get 1 diamond ring between them

Two birds, one stone

How do stoners propose to one another?

Marriage, you wanna?

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How did the s**... die?

From blunt force trauma

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What did m**... Jagger do when he found his cupboard was infested with moths?

Nothing. A rolling stone gathers no moths.

Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age...

Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

2 teenage friends were outside when they saw a female streaker walking down the street.

One of them ran away as soon as he saw her, but the other one stayed and watched for a while.
They saw each other at school the next day, and the one who stayed asked his friend why he ran away. His friend said "My mom said that if I ever look at a n**... girl too long I'll turn to stone. And I already felt something getting hard."

A miner said he could make anyone laugh

He showed me something
And I immediately burst out laughing
What was it?
A shiny yellow stone
It was comedy gold

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Mary Magdalene is about to be s**... for adultry

Just as the crowd was about to start throwing rocks, Jesus walks up and says "let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Nobody moves, but then a stone comes flying out from the crowd and hits Mary right in the face. Jesus turns to see who threw the stone and says "I told you not to bother me when I'm working mother!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

If a s**... was giving you orders...

Would you address them as "your highness"?

Why does Jesus always go first when the disciples go Curling?

Because they let he who is without sin cast the first stone!

(Infinity War Speculation) When Thanos gains the mind stone, he will turn into Palpatine.

Because The Avengers will pay for their lack of Vision.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.
I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.
The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.
Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower of meat all over the place."
Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.
The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars
"Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

How come you never see stoners jog?

It's hard on their joints.

What do you call a hand made of stone?

A pomegranate

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

Who's the one person Medusa cannot turn to stone?

Dwayne Johnson

Why couldnt anyone else pull the sword from the stone?

They didn't have the arthurization.

What do you call a WWE wrestler who works at an ice cream shop?

Cold Stone Steve Austin

My friend told me that if he held a stone against my arm for 5 seconds, when he released it the dent would stay there for ever. It didn't work,

I'm not impressed.

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

What is a stoners favorite computer software?

Adoobe

What does a stoners mouth and shirt have in common?

They are both 100% cotton

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Got s**... once when I had a sudden realization:

I shouldn't have broken the law in Saudi Arabia!

The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.

God calls from the heavens, it is time.
But Jesus and his friends can't hear over all the partying etc
On day 39, same thing. Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.
Still nothing.
On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he'll likely be ignored again. So he grabs a very loud megaphone and yells May I have your ascension please! May I have your ascension please

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Around this time of the year, I start carrying around a stone with me to throw at people who are singing Christmas songs already.

It's my jingle bell rock.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Jesus and the woman taken in adultery

The crowd is about to stone her, but Jesus steps in front of them and says "Verily, the one who is among you that is without sin may cast the first stone!"
All of them let their hand sink, bow their heads in shame. There suddenly, from the back, a stone comes flying, hitting the woman squarely in the face. Furiously, Jesus storms through the crowd to see who dared to, who thinks himself to be without sin. He finds the thrower, grimaces and stomps his feet.
"Stop doing this! You always do that, always you have to embarrass me in front of my friends, MOM!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

s**... thought of the day:

Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter.. ... Until your lighter gets so lighter it wont light again

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What do stoners and arthritis have in common??

They both inflame joints.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why wouldn't they let the s**... on the basketball team?

Because he couldn't jump high

Where is a stoners favorite place to sit in a resturaunt

In the high chair

How did the man who invented the bed of stone die?

In a pillow fight

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why doesn't m**... Jagger date British supermodels?

A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

My Vietnamese friend killed two birds with one stone

I guess that's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

Kurdish cunieform tablets

In ancient Kurdistan, they didn't have the material to make the cuneiform tablets they did down by the rivers in the Fertile Crescent, so they had to carve important documents into stone tablets.
That included contracts and treaties. There could be multiple signatories. For an invoice, for instance, it was possible to bill two Kurds with one stone.

A 37 stone (518 pound) man was forced to pay for two seats on a jet,

only to discover that they were two rows apart!

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.

10 years ago I went camping at yellow stone and my wife got pregnant.

2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again.
After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me.

Stone joke, 10 years ago I went camping at yellow stone and my wife got pregnant.

jokes about stone