The Best 63 Stomach Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Stomach jokes. There are some stomach rumble jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stomach intestinal puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Stomach Jokes and Puns

Helpful Daughter

Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."

That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.

Stomach joke, Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

Fat guy.

A man is weighing himself in the bathroom sucking in his stomach when his wife comes in and says, "That's not going to help."
The guy say, "Well it is, it's the only way I can see the numbers."

Did you hear about the one about the heart and stomach?

Nevermind, it's an inside joke.


Why did the cannibal have an upset stomach?

He ate someone who disagreed with him.

Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

Stomach joke, Tribal Wisdom

I heard we like Native American jokes.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."

My dad's favorite joke.

A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks at the cashier and says, "Eww, that's *disgusting*!" The cashier replies, "If you think that's gross, you should see him make donuts."

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor one day and tells him she's been having some stomach pains. In reply the doctor takes some samples and tells the woman to come back a week later when the results are in. So a week later the woman goes to the doctor and asks "So what's wrong with me?", "well..." says the doctor "in 6 months from now you be changing diapers.", in astonishment the woman exclaims "wow, I'm pregnant?", "No..." says the doctor "you have bowel cancer."

You can explore stomach heart reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stomach indigestion dad jokes. There are also stomach puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa?

Because it can't be taken on empty stomach

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.

A blonde is dying

A blonde lady walks into her Dr's office and says 'oh Doctor, I'm dying, I'm dying. The Dr says 'oh my, what's the problem?' She taps her forehead and says 'it hurts here'. She taps her neck and says 'it hurts here', she taps her chest and says 'it hurts here', she taps her stomach and says 'it hurts here'. 'I hurt everywhere Dr, I'm dying'.

The doctor exams her and says 'lady, you've got a broken finger!'.

If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach....

Then you're aiming too high

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

Stomach joke, Chinese Sick Day

A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.

The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

Hey girl, are you my appendix?

Because I'm not completely sure how you work, but this strange feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

"No, you've got bowel cancer."


I gave a homeless man 10 dollars and told him, "I want to make sure you find something good to eat". After watching him come out of the store with a pack of cigarettes I was quite upset

His stomach was too after I made sure he ate them.

Yo girl, are you my appendix?

Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

The Trap

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.

One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.

When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.

"Absolutely not!", said her son.

My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

Why are men the best chefs?

Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

A woman noticed her husband standing on the weighing scale sucking his stomach

Haยญยญ! That's not going to help, she said.

Sure, it does, he said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.

What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".

The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.

Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?

Friend: Five.

Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.

Any woman who thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach...

is aiming about ten inches too high.

I think it's interesting how people sleep differently

I usually sleep on my back, my brother sleeps on his stomach, and my ex sleeps with half of this town

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

...that way, you don't have to break open that stupid ribcage.

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

Lee has a terrible headache

Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."

His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for sex. I always feel better after."

A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"

A Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.

The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.

See the joke is a reference to Descartes the philosopher who coined the phrase "I think. Therefore I am." However explaining this prior to the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Why is it that there's no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you shouldn't take medicine on an empty stomach.

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor's surgery.

Why is your stomach so big? โ€“ he asks.

Iยดm having a baby. โ€“ she replies.

Is the baby in your stomach? โ€“ he asks, with his big eyes.

Yes, it is. โ€“ she says.

Is it a good baby? โ€“ he asks, with a puzzled look.

Oh, yes. A really good baby. โ€“ the lady replies.

Shocked and surprised, he asks: Then why did you eat him?

My sister is pregnant, and suddenly said, He's kicking!

So I punched her in the stomach. Can't believe her son thinks it's okay to hit women.

My mother always said the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach

Lovely woman, TERRIBLE surgeon

What language does your stomach speak?

Hungarian!

My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, Haยญยญ! That's not going to help!

Sure, it does. I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?

She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.

He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

"Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said

"Oh it helps a lot," he replies. It's the only way I can see the numbers!

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

Daddy's Fat

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

"I have to do that, or dad's belly gets really fat, bouncing on his belly keeps him skinny."

That's not going to work.

"Why baby?"

Because the babysitter keeps blowing him up again!

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I am having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It is a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,

"Then why did you eat him?"

A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."

"Why?" her son replied.

"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"

The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.



The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

My grandmother always use to say the fastest way to a man's heart is through the stomach

She was a terrible surgeon.

My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

Do you know why I named my stomach "Budapest"?

Because it is the Capital of Hungary!

I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.

We broke up because she couldn't stomach my cheesy jokes.

As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach...

I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.

My wife always says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"

Lovely woman.

Terrible surgeon.

I always had a hunch I should give up my cannibalism

But it was just my stomach talking

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."ย "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.

My boyfriend was breaking up with me and started to walk out the door

So I jammed my knee into his stomach.

You can't leave, I kneed you

A man walks into a doctors office.

The doctor asks what's bothering the man and he says Doc, I've eaten something that disagrees with me Just then his stomach rumbles and says No you didn't

My son's been really worried about his puppy's upset stomach, so in the night I let him into the garden for a shit.

"Why can't I just use the toilet?" he always asks.

At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues

I said why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.

If you have a six pack and get shot four times in the stomach, what do you have?

A Tupac

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stomach gastric jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working stomach gastrointestinal piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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