The Best 65 Stomach Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Stomach jokes. There are some stomach rumble jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stomach stomach ache puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Stomach Jokes and Puns

Helpful Daughter

Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."

That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.

Stomach joke, Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

Fat guy.

A man is weighing himself in the bathroom sucking in his stomach when his wife comes in and says, "That's not going to help."
The guy say, "Well it is, it's the only way I can see the numbers."

Why did the cannibal have an upset stomach?

He ate someone who disagreed with him.


Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

I heard we like Native American jokes.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."

Stomach joke, I heard we like Native American jokes.

My dad's favorite joke.

A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks at the cashier and says, "Eww, that's *disgusting*!" The cashier replies, "If you think that's gross, you should see him make donuts."

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor one day and tells him she's been having some stomach pains. In reply the doctor takes some samples and tells the woman to come back a week later when the results are in. So a week later the woman goes to the doctor and asks "So what's wrong with me?", "well..." says the doctor "in 6 months from now you be changing diapers.", in astonishment the woman exclaims "wow, I'm pregnant?", "No..." says the doctor "you have bowel cancer."

Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa?

Because it can't be taken on empty stomach

You can explore stomach heart reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stomach indigestion dad jokes. There are also stomach puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.

A blonde is dying

A blonde lady walks into her Dr's office and says 'oh Doctor, I'm dying, I'm dying. The Dr says 'oh my, what's the problem?' She taps her forehead and says 'it hurts here'. She taps her neck and says 'it hurts here', she taps her chest and says 'it hurts here', she taps her stomach and says 'it hurts here'. 'I hurt everywhere Dr, I'm dying'.

The doctor exams her and says 'lady, you've got a broken finger!'.

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.

The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

Hey girl, are you my appendix?

Because I'm not completely sure how you work, but this strange feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

Stomach joke, Hey girl, are you my appendix?

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

"No, you've got bowel cancer."

Yo girl, are you my appendix?

Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

The Trap

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.

One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.

When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.

"Absolutely not!", said her son.


My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

Why are men the best chefs?

Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

A woman noticed her husband standing on the weighing scale sucking his stomach

Ha­­! That's not going to help, she said.

Sure, it does, he said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.

What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".

The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.

Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?

Friend: Five.

Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.

I think it's interesting how people sleep differently

I usually sleep on my back, my brother sleeps on his stomach, and my ex sleeps with half of this town

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

...that way, you don't have to break open that stupid ribcage.

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

Lee has a terrible headache

Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."

His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for sex. I always feel better after."

A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"

A Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.

The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.

See the joke is a reference to Descartes the philosopher who coined the phrase "I think. Therefore I am." However explaining this prior to the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Why is it that there's no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you shouldn't take medicine on an empty stomach.

My sister is pregnant, and suddenly said, He's kicking!

So I punched her in the stomach. Can't believe her son thinks it's okay to hit women.

What language does your stomach speak?

Hungarian!

My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, Ha­­! That's not going to help!

Sure, it does. I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?

She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.

He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

"Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said

"Oh it helps a lot," he replies. It's the only way I can see the numbers!

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

Daddy's Fat

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

"I have to do that, or dad's belly gets really fat, bouncing on his belly keeps him skinny."

That's not going to work.

"Why baby?"

Because the babysitter keeps blowing him up again!

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I am having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It is a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,

"Then why did you eat him?"

A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."

"Why?" her son replied.

"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"

The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.



The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

My grandmother always use to say the fastest way to a man's heart is through the stomach

She was a terrible surgeon.

My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

Do you know why I named my stomach "Budapest"?

Because it is the Capital of Hungary!

I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.

We broke up because she couldn't stomach my cheesy jokes.

As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach...

I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.

My wife always says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"

Lovely woman.

Terrible surgeon.

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.

A joke from my grandfather

In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:

Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.

Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.

My mother always said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

She was a lovely and generous woman, but a terrible surgeon.

A teacher was teaching her class about whales.

She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn't possibly swallow a human. The little girl said, When I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah.

The teacher replied, What if Jonah went to Hell?

The girl said: Then you ask him.

Swimming Coach: "Hey! Why are you doing only the backstroke?"

Swimmer: "Because I just ate, sir. I don't want to swim on a full stomach."

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it would be ridiculous to expect a cat with its stomach contents spread out across a table to get up and catch a rat, and it would be similarly unfathomable to expect a joke with its punchline spelled out over a dozen lines of text to still produce a guffaw. How anyone...

Why did the anime girl eat too much?

Because her eyes were bigger than her stomach.

I finally got some probiotics

These amateurbiotics in my stomach just aren't cutting it.

I could feel an exam in my stomach ....

It was kinda quizzy

An very obese woman goes to the ER complaining about stomach pains

The nurse checks her in and takes her vitals. She asks if she's sexually actively, the patient says No

A while later the doctor comes in to do a pelvic exam and notices a baby's head crowning. He calls for labor and delivery and exasperated, asks the woman I thought you said you weren't sexually active?!

She replies I'm not, I just lay there.

What do a stomach pump and an exorcist have in common?

They're both used to remove unwanted spirits from a body.

What do you call a quesadilla that gives you upset stomach?

A quesadiarrhea. (A case a diarrhea)

Why are spiders always so nervous?

They've got butterflies in their stomach.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience.

The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake.

Took my cat to the vet the other day, he had an upset stomach.

The vet asked me whats wrong with the cat,
I told him he isnt "feline" very good.
(Im sorry im advance)

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stomach gastrointestinal jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working stomach intestinal piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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