Stolen Jokes
158 stolen jokes and hilarious stolen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stolen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Have you ever heard of something being "stolen"? The term is commonly associated with cars, bikes, phones, purses and even identities but what about jokes? Read this article to learn about the controversial practice of stealing jokes and the effects it can have.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Stolen Short Jokes
Short stolen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stolen humour may include short theft jokes also.
- A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case. - Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes? Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.
- One stolen joke is a coincidence. Two stolen jokes is a pattern. Thirty stolen jokes is an Amy Schumer special.
- Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office... I don't know who you but I will find you, you have my word.
- An Apple store near where I live got robbed $25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.
- My wife's car got stolen while she was out the other day. I said , Were you able to see what the guy looked like?
She replied, No, but I got the license plate number! - A woman was robbed... ...but upon coming home she discovered that nothing was stolen apart from her lightbulbs.
She was delighted - The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.
- My credit card was stolen today I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
- What do you do if you see a bmw using a turn signal? Call the police, it's obviously stolen.
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Stolen One Liners
Which stolen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stolen? I can suggest the ones about car theft and stealing money.
- The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on
- $2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day All eight books were recovered.
- Did you hear about the stolen Tesla? I guess now it's an Edison
- A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamp. He was delighted.
- I had to report my stolen amazon package The police are still looking for a prime suspect
- I named my dog Syndrome.. So when he's Misbehaving I yell "Down Syndrome"
^^^Stolen - Did you hear about the guy that went to court over a stolen bag? It was a brief case.
- Some one has stolen my thesaurus. I can't find the words to describe how angry i am.
- 2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark
- What did the mouse say when his cheese was stolen? Rats!
- My car was stolen and crashed by a gang of 14 year olds It was a minor collision
- BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months
- How do you protect your accordion from being stolen? Put it in a guitar case.
- Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
-Stolen from youtube - What's faster than a black guy running with a stolen T.V.? His brother with the DVR
Stolen Car Jokes
Here is a list of funny stolen car jokes and even better stolen car puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect
- Dangerfield on Carson: : "One night my wife went out and her car was stolen" "I asked her 'did you see what he looked like?' She said, 'no but I got the license plate number.'"
- I ran into the pub and shouted to my mate. Dave! I've just saw your car being stolen." He said Didn't you try to stop them?
I said, No, but don't worry. I got the registration. - My car got stolen yesterday !! I thought of calling the cops but then realized it was better not to call them and let the car thief take care of the dead bodies in my trunk.
- Parked my car in Mexico City last night. Came out in the morning to find a gang of kids had come and stolen all the parts off it. Jesus took the wheel.
- What did the artist say when his car got stolen? Where did my Van Gogh?
- A man walks into a police station "My car has been stolen" he says laughingly.
"Your car has been stolen, but why are you laughing then?" The officer says.
"Because my wife was still in it!" - What did the car say when it's front wheels were stolen? I don't want to go anywhere. I'm two tired.
- You know its bad where you live when You check the classified section and see stolen car for sale
- If you think about it, the car's keys travel more than the car. Mine did too
Until my car got stolen.
Stolen Toilet Jokes
Here is a list of funny stolen toilet jokes and even better stolen toilet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- One of my dads faves Burglars have broken into Scotland Yard and stolen all the toilets
Police say they have nothing to go on - I called the police to report my toilet had been stolen they said I had nothing to go on
- All the toilet seats were recently stolen from the local police department They still have nothing to go on...
- Why were the police stumped on the stolen toilet? Because they had nothing to go on
Stolen Bike Jokes
Here is a list of funny stolen bike jokes and even better stolen bike puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A friend told me he saw a black guy on a stolen bike getting hit by a train I rushed home, afraid that it was mine.
But thankfully, mine was still in my basement shining my shoes. - When you buy a stolen bike after your bike gets stolen... ...it's a buy-cycle
- I reported my bike stolen, now the thief can't use it anymore. Since the police is on it.
Stolen Identity Jokes
Here is a list of funny stolen identity jokes and even better stolen identity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife appears to have had her identity stolen. Some woman at the mall just parked really badly and had a go at me like it was my fault.
- Did you hear that the guy that wrote Danger Zone had his identity stolen online? They got all his Kenny logins
- My identity was stolen two days ago. They called today begging for me to take it back.
- Cop: You are certain that your identity has been stolen then? :Very
- A man named Rob got his identity stolen. I guess you could say he got... *robbed*
- I had my identity stolen. Now I don't know who I am.
- I once had my identity stolen It's okay. They gave it right back.
Cheerful Fun Stolen Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about stolen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stealing food jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stolen pranks.
Local police canine unit got all their leashes stolen today.
However, the case had to be closed due to the police having no leads.
A hobo got robbed
A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.
"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"
"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.
"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"
Silly Drunks.
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice on the line.
"Nevermind," he said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."
My wallet was stolen today...
this is the first time I've been sad after losing five pounds.
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
Two cows are standing...
in the pasture. One turns to the other and says, "Although pi is usually abbreviated to five numbers, it actually goes on to infinity."
The second cow turns to the first and says: "Moo."
(stolen from Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar...)
Stolen Gate
The other day, I looked out my window to see two guys stealing my side gate!
I didn't say anything to them though.
I didn't want them to take offence.
What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato.
A man reported that his chickens had been stolen off his property
Police suspect fowl play.
Why was Cleopatra angry?
She was on her pyramid.
Stolen from Whose Line Is It Anyway.
I have a kid in africa
which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)
I had my credit card stolen.
About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...
So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
A drunk is walking around downtown...
When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."
What is Kanye West's favourite kind of omelette?
Omeletteyoufinish
-stolen from raininginreverse on tumblr.
[Russian Joke] What will the results of the next election be?
No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!
I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.
When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."
(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen.
Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.
I knew a girl so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party...
and she woke up with more clothes on.
(Stolen from Big Bang theory, I just love this joke)
The kids were really suprised when I put ginger in their curry...
...they really *did* love that cat.
> Stolen from a recent episode of *Match Of The Day*
Two thieves were caught with a load of stolen batteries and fireworks...
...one of them was charged, and the other was let off.
My bank was worried
My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday
I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.
Should I report the vehicle as stolen?
A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen
He comes back and finds another note: "me too"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two h**... got married.
On their wedding night, the h**... groom admitted that he was a v**... and didn't really know what to do.
The h**... bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.
A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop....
...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:
I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.
So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: Soo, did you like the concert?
Sorry for the terrible grammar :D
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police report: There was a robbery in the s**... shop.
Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time
How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just two, but how they get in there.. I don't know.
(Stolen from an old Maxim in my dad's storage)
I'm so broke..
.. that when my Identiy was stolen today and LifeLock called me and said I now have no money in my bank account.
I was like, "Sweet! I'm no longer in debt"
So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...
...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
$1,000 worth of products were stolen from a Games Workshop today
Police are looking for a book and three pots of paint.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(Stolen Joke) An atheist and christian are sitting in a bar
The christian asks, "So how come you don't embrace Jesus?"
The atheist says, "You've got it wrong. I love Jesus!"
He goes on, "It's his fan club I can't stand!"
Why did the french chef go to the police?
Escargot stolen.
The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily
They tried it out in three countries.
In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.
In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.
In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
My credit card was stolen yesterday but not sure if I should report it...
My credit card was stolen yesterday but not sure if I should report it. The thief is spending a lot less than my wife normally does.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?
Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
A man had his credit card stolen...
However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Did you hear about the guy who had his bamboo plant stolen?
He was bamboozled
A church had their AC stolen
The next day there was a note on the church doors reading: "Dear thief! Keep the AC you stole, where you'll be going you'll need it"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Camping.
An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- "Look up to the sky and tell me what you see."
Son- "I see millions of stars."
Father- "And what does that tell you?"
Son- "Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets."
Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"
A feminist has just stolen my garden gate
I was going to shout at her but I thought she might take a fence
A man noticed his credit card has been stolen
But he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.
Seen on the internet a couple years ago.
A guy driving a Tesla stops at a red light. A second guy comes up to his window and says "Nice Edison you're driving!" The driver, confused, looks at the man and says "You're mistaken, sir, this is a Tesla." The guy at the window says to the driver "You're the one who's mistaken, this IS an Edison."
Then he pulled out a gun and said "You see, it's about to be stolen."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I lost my wallet and my identity was stolen.
On the bright side, I got it back in the mail with a note.
It said "It s**... to be you."
An elderly woman called 911...
An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch.
"Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake."
My son asked me to give him a life lesson.
I said, "Son, you see that mountain over there?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "If you work really hard and you climb that moment, for days and says... what happens when you reach the top?"
He said, "You see amazing things?"
I said, "No, you realise you left your camera at the bottom. Then when you get back down there you realise that someone's stolen it. That's life."
What did Dave Grohl, lead singer of the Foo Fighters, say after his sandwich was stolen?
There goes my hero!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK
How do those b**... sleep at night?
Just found out my wife's credit card was stolen! They are spending it all on jewellery and casinos!
But I wouldn't report it because they are spending less than my wife.
What kind of shoes do thieves wear?
Stolen shoes.
To the person who has stolen my 5 tonne concrete boots and my invisibility cloak...
You can't run but you can hide
Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone
I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.
Thousands of crates of moisturizer were reported stolen today
... Police looking for a smooth criminal
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What borders on stupidity?
Canada and Mexico.
(Stolen from a German friend on FB where it's apparently making the rounds...)
Robin Hood hands over stolen goods to the poor man
Man: Wow thank you robin hood, now i'm rich!
Robin: *squints* you're what?
An Original Joke
X-Men Recruitment Interviews
Professor X: What's your superpower?
Me: Hindsight
Professor X: Isn't this joke stolen?
Me: Yes, I see that now
