Cheeky Stole Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?
He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.
Heard about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months
A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...
...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.
A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money.
It was a strobbery.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender?
They each got 6 months.
Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble.
You have my Word.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
It's ok though, she always comes crawling back.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...
You have my word
When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle
Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
You can explore stole theif reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stole robbery dad jokes. There are also stole puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise
The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.
My thoughts are with his family.
To whoever stole my thesaurus...
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way...
So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..
You have my Word.
I named my dog WiFi
Because I stole it from my neighbor
To the handicapped guy who stole my bag
You can hide but you can't run
I stole a stripper's kid.
It was like taking baby from a Candi.
My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.
I don't know how these people can sleep at night.
A thief stole my wife's credit card
But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
Somebody stole my mood ring
I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
If someone broke into my house and stole all the lights...
I'd be absolutely delighted
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide, but you can't run.
What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?
The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"
I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."
My stolen card
Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account...
I will find you. You have my word.
Someone stole my flashlight.
I'm not annoyed. I'm delighted.
The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.
My thoughts and prayers are with his family.
To the guy who stole my antidepresants,
I hope you're happy now
To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..
You'll have nothing to gain.
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..
How low can you get?
A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house
I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted!
My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.
I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.
Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick
How low can ya go
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket
You can hide but you can't run
I asked my horse if he stole my thesaurus.
He said nope.
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:
This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.
The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, I stole a can of peaches.
The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the can?
Six, replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn't know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, your honor, wait!
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
She also stole a can of peas!
A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise
The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.
It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.
Not even remotely.
(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.
One stolen joke is a coincidence. Two stolen jokes is a pattern.
Thirty stolen jokes is an Amy Schumer special.
What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?
British
Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.
Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...
I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...
... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)
When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.
But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
Someone broke into my place and stole all my fruit...
... I'm peachless!
What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her wet floor sign?
Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.
Last week, My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her Wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
While driving down the road, two robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
"Drive that thing like you stole it!"
One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"
Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.
To which my Dad replied, "Trust me, Sweetie. If he stole a car, he'd be driving the speed limit, using his turn signals, stopping at red lights, and heading home as soon as possible to avoid the attention of the cops."
Judge: "Lady, you shoplifted a can of tomatoes, so I sentence you to four weeks in prison, one for each tomato."
Lady's husband: "Your honour, don't forget she also stole a can of peas."
How does Russia knows that Ukraine has "dirty" bombs?
Because they stole all of their washing machines.
I stole a dog and named it Boomerang
I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.
A Joke from the Late Great Townes Van Zandt
A drunk is walking down the street and bumps into a cop.
The drunk says, Man, they stole my car.
The cop says, Well where was it?
The drunk says, Right on the end of this key.
The cop says, You better to go down to the precinct and they'll fill out all the proper paperwork, but before you do that you better zip up your pants.
The drunk looks down and says, Ah man, they got my girl too.
To whoever stole my antidepressants at work last night...
I hope you're happy now.
Somebody stole all the toilets in the police station
The cops have nothing to go on
