Stole Jokes
106 stole jokes and hilarious stole puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stole that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you wondering if your favorite comedian has ever stolen jokes? This article will explore comedians like Carlos Mencia, George Lopez, Joe Rogan and more to determine which ones have stolen material and how they've gotten away with it. It will also look at whether any of the accused comics have taken steps to make amends. Discover who the biggest thieves are and the consequences they've had to face.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Stole Short Jokes
Short stole jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stole humour may include short steal jokes also.
- While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
- Last week, My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her Wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
- To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
- So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.. But guess who came crawling back!!?!
- I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
- Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of red bull I don't know how these people sleep at night
- I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I replied, "Surely you must be joe."
- When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
- My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school. So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
- A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day... ...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.
Share These Stole Jokes With Friends
Stole One Liners
Which stole one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stole? I can suggest the ones about theft and robbing.
- What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display? British
- To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket You can hide but you can't run
- To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.
- Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch
- Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word
- Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble. You have my Word.
- I stole a stripper's kid. It was like taking baby from a Candi.
- To the guy who stole my antidepresants, I hope you're happy now
- Somebody stole my mood ring I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
- Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick.. How low can you get?
- A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.
- I named my dog WiFi Because I stole it from my neighbor
- Someone stole my flashlight. I'm not annoyed. I'm delighted.
- Two guys stole a calendar They both got 6 months
- I asked my horse if he stole my thesaurus. He said nope.
Stole Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny stole christmas jokes and even better stole christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Q: Did you hear about the man who stole the advent calendar?
A: He got 25 days. - The Grinch stole Christmas until Chuck Norris ordered him to return it.
Comedians Who Stole Jokes
Here is a list of funny comedians who stole jokes and even better comedians who stole puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I thought a comedian stole my joke, but actually he's a real stand-up guy.
- Did you hear about the black comedian? He stole the show.
Cheeky Stole Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about stole you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stealing money jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stole pranks.
You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?
He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.
Heard about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender?
They each got 6 months.
Someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet.
Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
It's ok though, she always comes crawling back.
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise
The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.
A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff
I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.
My thoughts are with his family.
To whoever stole my thesaurus...
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way...
So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.
Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
Just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
To the handicapped guy who stole my bag
You can hide but you can't run
On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."
Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.!
Someone stole my mood ring...
I'm not sure how I feel about that....
My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.
I don't know how these people can sleep at night.
A thief stole my wife's credit card
But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
If someone broke into my house and stole all the lights...
I'd be absolutely delighted
Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?
It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.
Did you hear about two guys stole a calendar?
**They each got 6 months.**
What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?
The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers
Someone Stole My Microsoft Office and They're Going To Pay For It,
You Have My Word.
My stolen card
Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife
Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.
You have my Word.
Farmer and Son
A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank
This year, I can't plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."
The son wrote back, Papa, don't dare plow the field That is where I hid the money I stole.
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, Now you can plant your potatoes.
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account...
I will find you. You have my word.
Two friends were talking
And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
'I had s**... with my teacher.'
'But I thought you were homeschooled...'
'Yeah...'
The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.
My thoughts and prayers are with his family.
To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..
You'll have nothing to gain.
A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house
I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted!
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months.
P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!
Sorry for the typo
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.
I got such a fright I almost wet her p**....
Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick
How low can ya go
Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
To the guy in the wheelchair that stole my camo suit.
You can hide but you cant run.
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:
This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.
The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, I stole a can of peaches.
The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the can?
Six, replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn't know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, your honor, wait!
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
She also stole a can of peas!
Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york"
So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.
A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise
The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.
It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.
Not even remotely.
(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk a**... laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)
I've just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom's b**... job
Just wait till I get my hands on them!
*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet.... Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.
One stolen joke is a coincidence. Two stolen jokes is a pattern.
Thirty stolen jokes is an Amy Schumer special.
Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.
Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...
I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...
... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)
A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.
At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."
The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
"6," the old lady responded.
"Then," the judge said, "you will spend one day in jail for each peach, for a total of 6 days."
"Your Honor," spoke her husband, "she also stole a can of peas!"
When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.
But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
Someone broke into my place and stole all my fruit...
... I'm peachless!
What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her wet floor sign?
Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.
"Drive that thing like you stole it!"
One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"
Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.
To which my Dad replied, "Trust me, Sweetie. If he stole a car, he'd be driving the speed limit, using his turn signals, stopping at red lights, and heading home as soon as possible to avoid the attention of the cops."
Somebody stole all the toilets in the police station
The cops have nothing to go on
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison. You call a stolen Edison a Westinghouse.
To whomever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you
You have my Word.
A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"
The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"
The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
"I think," says the surgeon gently, "this means your cataract operation was a success."
