Stole Jokes
105 stole jokes and hilarious stole puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stole that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you wondering if your favorite comedian has ever stolen jokes? This article will explore comedians like Carlos Mencia, George Lopez, Joe Rogan and more to determine which ones have stolen material and how they've gotten away with it. It will also look at whether any of the accused comics have taken steps to make amends. Discover who the biggest thieves are and the consequences they've had to face.
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Funniest Stole Short Jokes
Short stole jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stole humour may include short theft jokes also.
- While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
- Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of red bull I don't know how these people sleep at night
- I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I replied, "Surely you must be joe."
- When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
- Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing. Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...
- I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
- A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull. I don't know how these people can sleep at night.
- What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her wet floor sign? Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.
- What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding? The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers - Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. Just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
Share These Stole Jokes With Friends
Stole One Liners
Which stole one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stole? I can suggest the ones about stealing money and robber.
- What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display? British
- Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch
- Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble. You have my Word.
- Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick.. How low can you get?
- A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.
- I named my dog wifi Because I stole it from my neighbor
- Someone stole my flashlight. I'm not annoyed. I'm delighted.
- I asked my horse if he stole my thesaurus. He said nope.
- Someone broke into my place and stole all my fruit... ... I'm peachless!
- If someone broke into my house and stole all the lights... I'd be absolutely delighted
- To whoever stole my antidepressants at work last night... I hope you're happy now.
- A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus. I am at a loss for words.
- Some guy stole all the milk out of my fridge today How dairy
- A thief goes to the theater He stole the show.
- Warning to the person who stole my glasses. I have contacts!
Stole Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny stole christmas jokes and even better stole christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Grinch stole Christmas until Chuck Norris ordered him to return it.
Comedians Who Stole Jokes
Here is a list of funny comedians who stole jokes and even better comedians who stole puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I thought a comedian stole my joke, but actually he's a real stand-up guy.
- Did you hear about the black comedian? He stole the show.
Cheeky Stole Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about stole you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stealing food jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stole pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope your happy now.
Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.
It feels like I'm losing control.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson....
...were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
I stole a tom cruise movie from the store the other day...
It was Risky Business.
The thief who stole my calendar...
Got 12 months.
A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?
He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...
You have my word
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I knew you'd come crawling back
the minute I stole your wheelchair
When the Baltimore rioters looted the CVS, they stole everything except for the Father's Day cards.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men and two women are on a train.
There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *s**...!* and the train leaves the tunnel.
The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"
Someone stole my coffee.
He was charged with mugging.
A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff
I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.
Sherlock and Watson go camping
Sherlock and Dr. Watson go camping. They pitch their tent and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson and says: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes asks, "And what do you deduce from that?" "Well, if there are millions of stars," Watson says, "there must be some with planets, and some of those planets must be like Earth. And if there are planets like Earth, there might be planets with life." And Holmes says, "Watson, you idiot, it means someone stole our tent."
I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"
...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."
Apple is advertising the new iPhone as "The most powerful four inches ever."
I can't believe they stole my slogan.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(Stolen Joke) An atheist and christian are sitting in a bar
The christian asks, "So how come you don't embrace Jesus?"
The atheist says, "You've got it wrong. I love Jesus!"
He goes on, "It's his fan club I can't stand!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..
You have my Word.
Someone stole a kitchen utensil from my house
He said it was a whisk worth taking
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the guy in a wheelchair that stole my phone
You can hide but you can't run
My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900.
The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips.
When the Saudi police tackled me after I stole something from the market…
…I instantly realised my mistake when I shouted, "Unhand me!"
Some one has stolen my thesaurus.
I can't find the words to describe how angry i am.
They told me to drive it like I stole it
So I stayed at the speed limit, followed the road rules and paid attention to my surroundings
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
Minesweeper
It's either a computer game or an angry German custodian yelling at kids who stole his broom.
Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?
It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide, but you can't run.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account...
I will find you. You have my word.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two friends were talking
And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
'I had s**... with my teacher.'
'But I thought you were homeschooled...'
'Yeah...'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone stole my wife's credit card
But I don't want him found. He is spending less than she was.
Credit : The m**... Room
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..
You'll have nothing to gain.
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months.
P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!
Sorry for the typo
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.
I got such a fright I almost wet her p**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
A woman walked into a bank and took off her top and pulled out a gun
she stole thousands, shame no one could remember her face.
In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves
They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit... They stole the machine
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket
You can hide but you can't run
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:
This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.
The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, I stole a can of peaches.
The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the can?
Six, replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn't know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, your honor, wait!
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
She also stole a can of peas!
Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york"
So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.
Not even remotely.
(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk a**... laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom's b**... job
Just wait till I get my hands on them!
*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet.... Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.
One stolen joke is a coincidence. Two stolen jokes is a pattern.
Thirty stolen jokes is an Amy Schumer special.
I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...
... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)
A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.
At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."
The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
"6," the old lady responded.
"Then," the judge said, "you will spend one day in jail for each peach, for a total of 6 days."
"Your Honor," spoke her husband, "she also stole a can of peas!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To whoever stole my Microsoft 365 activation key:
I will find you. You have my Word.
I read in the news that someone stole the wallet of Peter Dinklage when he was out for a walk.
I mean—-who would stoop so low?
CNN says that Trumpists have been falling asleep at Trump rallies lately
Trump says it's all just fake snooze.
Credit where credit is due I stole this from YouTube comments.
Letter from prison
A father sends a letter to his son in prison: "I will not be able to plant potatoes this year. The fields have not been plowed yet, because you are not here to help out."
The son wrote back: "It's just as well, because the money I stole was buried in the fields."
The next day, the police are at the farm and dugged up the entire land, looking for the money, but found nothing.
The son writes to his father again: "Dad you can go ahead and plant the potatos now, that's the best I can do for you from here!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the person who stole my MS Office
I will find you, you have my word.
"Drive that thing like you stole it!"
One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"
Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.
To which my Dad replied, "Trust me, Sweetie. If he stole a car, he'd be driving the speed limit, using his turn signals, stopping at red lights, and heading home as soon as possible to avoid the attention of the cops."
Someone stole my book bag today.
I don't have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.
I started working out recently and I've already lost 10kg!
Somebody stole one of my dumbbells
