The Best 68 Stol Jokes

Whoever stole my anti-depressants,

I hope your happy now.

Stolen Gate

The other day, I looked out my window to see two guys stealing my side gate!

I didn't say anything to them though.

I didn't want them to take offence.

I stole a Tom Cruise movie from the store the other day...

It was Risky Business.

Someone stole my copy of Microsoft office..

I will track you down, you have my word.

I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.

When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."

Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station

Detectives have nothing to go on.

So i stole this joke from I Love Lucy, So a woman walks into a restaurant

The woman says to the waiter, "Two pork chops, and make them lean." And the waiter says, "Yes, ma'am. Which way?"

Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble.

You have my Word.

I stole a toilet seat from a police station once, and they never figured out it was me.

They had nothing to go on.

Just stole some energy bars from a store. I'm a joule thief.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...

You have my word

Somebody stole my Microsoft Office...

But I'll get my revenge. You have my Word.

What wasn't stolen when CVS was looted during the Baltimore riots?

The Father's Day cards.

Two hillbillies got married.

On their wedding night, the hillbilly groom admitted that he was a virgin and didn't really know what to do.

The hillbilly bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.

Someone stole my coffee.

He was charged with mugging.

Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station!

Authorities have nothing to go on.

(Stolen Joke) An atheist and christian are sitting in a bar

The christian asks, "So how come you don't embrace Jesus?"
The atheist says, "You've got it wrong. I love Jesus!"
He goes on, "It's his fan club I can't stand!"

To whoever stole my thesaurus...

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.

Just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

Someone stole the coffin at my grandfather's funeral.

I couldn't bereave it!

Someone stole a kitchen utensil from my house

He said it was a whisk worth taking

Someone Stole My Glasses Today.

I didn't see that coming.

I didn't see them going either.

Somebody stole my mood ring...

...I don't know how I feel about that.

Someone stole my empty batteries....

But it's ok, they were free of charge!

I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Someone stole my mood ring...

I'm not sure how I feel about that....

I stole my girlfriends wheelchair.

I knew she would be crawling back for me.

I stole a pistol made from gelatin the other day...

I was arrested for having a congealed weapon.

Someone stole my identity

I hope they can do a better job with it.

Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

Someone stole my antidepressants

Whoever you are, I'm not happy

Some one has stolen my thesaurus.

I can't find the words to describe how angry i am.

To whoever stole my AC window unit:

Keep it. It's hot where you're going

Someone stole my duck

I guess you could say he was abduckted.

Someone stole all my credit cards

I won't be reporting it though, the thief spends less than my wife.

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

Someone Stole My Microsoft Office and They're Going To Pay For It,

You Have My Word.

My stolen card

Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife

Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.

Someone stole my limbo pole

How low can you go?

I once stole a pornographic book

that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Someone stole my wife's credit card

But I don't want him found. He is spending less than she was.

Credit : The Murder Room

Someone stole my flashlight.

I'm not annoyed. I'm delighted.

I stole a walking pole from a blind man earlier...

He wasn't looking

(Stolen idea but funny) My kid embarrassed me by throwing a huge fit and rolling around on the floor when I took him shopping.

That's the last time I take an epileptic kid to the strobe light store

Someone stole the toilet from the police station.

The worst part is the police have nothing to go on.

Someone stole hundreds of cans of Red Bull from our local store.

I don't know how they can sleep at night.

Someone stole my pen today.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

I just stole a kitchen utensil

It was a whisk worth taking

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

Someone stole £5000 worth of Red Bull from a local delivery truck.

How do these people sleep at night?

I stole a Vibrator once

I did it for the buzz.

If someone stole a Tesla

Would it be called an Edison?

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you; you have my Word. You've taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?

Someone stole my dictionary.

I have no words.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office account

Whoever it was, I'll make you pay
You have my Word.

Somebody stole my antidepressants.

I hope they're happy now.

Somebody stole all my lamps and lights.

I was very delighted.

I stole this:

Me: I'm terrified of the vertical axis.
Therapist: why?
Me: (SCREAMS)

Somebody stole my day planner, but I caught the guy...

He was at all my appointments.

Someone stole my jar of mayonnaise at lunch today

I was like, What the Hellman?

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

I just stole 50 roman soldiers.

I guess you could say I took an L there.

I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise.

When police asked me why I did it I couldn't give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.

Who stole the soap from the bathtub

The robber ducky

To whoever stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you can't run.