Stock Market Jokes
84 stock market jokes and hilarious stock market puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stock market that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Stock Market Short Jokes
Short stock market jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stock market humour may include short stock broker jokes also.
- Everyone is panicking about the stock markets.... But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
- I'm sorry, I won't be buying ingredients for soup anytime soon The stock market is terrible
- What do women and the stock market have in common? If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.
- To Non-USA Redditor's You all thought trying to enjoy Reddit without enduring US politics was hard?
Welcome to 2021 where we introduce you to our stock market! - I've recently started investing in stocks I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.
- I lost 50 pounds in the past month Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.
- What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market. A tall medium who shorts.
- This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week! Just invest in the British stock market
- What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
- What's the quickest way to become a millionaire in the stock market? Invest a billion dollars.
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Stock Market One Liners
Which stock market one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stock market? I can suggest the ones about stock and market crash.
- The stock market is like a woman.... ....when she goes down, you buy more
- Where can you buy soup in bulk? The stock market.
- Do you know why the European stock markets are sliding down? Greece.
- PETA is a successful investor in the laughing stock market.
- The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT invest 10 million into it
- I started investing in Egyptian tourism Until I realized it was just a pyramid scheme
- Secretly found that I can manipulate stock market Whatever I bought, it went red.
- I put a bull and a bear in a cage to fight. The stock market crashed shortly after...
- I figured out how to make a million dollars on the stock market Invest two million
- Why do Muslims invest in the stock market? For the profit.
- The stock market ... When it wanes, it poors.
- How do you keep track of the math stock market? The S&π 500
- The stock market has been looking thinner lately. It's lost several Pounds.
- Where is the best place to buy chicken broth? at the stock market
- I lost 40 Pounds in 4 months!! I didn't realize the British stock market was so volatile.
Ridiculous Stock Market Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about stock market you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean housing market jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stock market pranks.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case.
An elevator and the stock market have something in common
They both have their ups and downs
Headline
A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charged the man what he could afford, five dollars.
The next Thursday, Arty stakes out the small market until he spots a brunette woman walk in wearing a leopard coat. He sneaks up behind her while she is in the back corner of the market, and wraps his hands around her neck until she is dead.
Nobody sees him, and he is about to walk out, when another brunette woman walks in wearing a similar leopard print top. To be safe, he walks up to her and strangles her as well. A stock boy see this and alerts the police, who apprehend Arty. He confesses the entire plan, the husband is arrested, and the next day the newspaper reads:
"Arty Chokes at the Market, 2 for $5"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a stock market c**... in Japan?
The "My Yen" Apocalypse
How stock markets work!
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
This is how stock markets work!
Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
Did you hear about OXO?
They're doing well on the stock market.
Ups and Downs of Investing
I was browsing the stock market earlier, turns out most of the airlines are crashing.
The stock market plunge of 2008 was worse than a divorce...
I lost half of everything, but I still have my wife!
Oprah lost a fortune in the stock market.
Don't worry, she gained it all back.
Today in the stock market...
Feathers are down, while escalators have continued on their slow decline. The market for raisins has dried up. Scott Tissue reached a new bottom, while paper remained stationary. There is is some good news, however: helium is up, and elevators rose, as well.
Why was the hipster so successful in the stock market?
He invested before it was cool.
Chinese stock market
title
China's stock market is down again
We should have seen it coming. The red flags were everywhere.
What is the difference between a casino and the stock market ?
The casino comps you after taking all your money
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... is like the stock market...
It's better if you're insider.
What's the difference between the stock market and women?
With the stock market you can only lose when you pull out.
What's the one thing you need to know in order to make money on the stock market AND not have kids without using condoms?
The right time to pull out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How is m**... stock sold on the stock market?
Buy high sell higher.
The stock market has rebounded solidly since the news of Trump's win
...led by the surging coathanger manufacturing sector.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump's statement regarding China
Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors all across the country will be plastered with red notices and the empty streets will reek of lingering gunpowder. The people, with nothing to do will turn to day-long drinking and gambling. Children will roam the streets begging for money. So sad."
China foreign ministry: "That's Chinese New Year, d**...."
Where did the crooked buisinessman end up when the stock market crashed?
In a CELL! SELL! SELL!
An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble....
And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!
What would happen if a clown opened his business up to the global market?
He would be a laughing stock!
So SpaceX is launching the Falcon Heavy Today...
Too bad it isn't carrying the stock market.
In the stock market today....
Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean.
It's time to sell your stocks in the wood chip industry!
The market is getting tu-mulch-uous.
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kids have the lowest standards
Everything is about b**... their friends moms even though their mamas are so fat that when she skips a meal, the stock market crashes
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The stock market is like s**....
You just need to know when to pull out.
The romans once tied together a bear and a bull in the colosseum to see what happened.
Unfortunately all that happened was the stock market collapsed
Well you know what they say about investing in the stock market
Watch all of your money go *huawei*
The stock market is amazing...
- I invested, waited around 2 hours and BAM: I got 400 dollars!
- But you invested 800 dollars...
- It's already something.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?
Because their money is t**... in bonds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market c**... of 1929
But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The stock market is like a guy with IBS
All it takes is one f**... to ruin the day.
My friends say I should invest in the stock market.
I said " well of course , I'm not going to a store with nothing in it"
I bumped into an old school friend the other day.
He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.
Guess history repeats itself!
We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's considered t**... if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?
Manipulating the stock market
I'm new to the stock market and I've been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I'll explain.
That's when I tend to buy them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo Mamma So s**...
She thought Chicken Stock was KFC's share market
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is a stock market c**... worse than a divorce?
Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there
What's the difference between me and the stock market?
1) My parents are actually invested in the stock market
2) The stock market still has some value
3) People care that the stock market is currently depressed
