Stock Jokes

What are some Stock jokes?

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

What do you get if you boil funnybones?

A laughing stock.

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.

"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"

The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."

The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"

What do you call a happy cow?

Laughing stock.

What do you call a grumpy cow?

A Feminist

Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....

But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.

Apple Stock

Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China

I'm not surprised Nike's stock fell after the Colin Kaepernick ad

They should have picked a more stand-up guy.

Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy

at $157 Facebook stock price

What country does Santa visit first?

China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.

The funeral

One day a man dies and in his will, he leaves $300,000 to his stock broker, financial adviser and his lawyer, each one receiving $100,000. In the will he also states that he wants all 3 of them to to leave half of the money they received ($50,000) in his coffin after the funeral.

The day of the funeral comes and each man approaches the coffin to do what was asked of them and once they're all done, they meet up at the bar.

After a few drinks, the stock broker speaks up "I gotta be honest with you guys. I only left $10,000 in the coffin. But I mean, it's not like he'll be able to spend it, right?"

To which the financial adviser admits "Hey, don't feel bad. I only left $5,000 in the coffin. I mean, is he really expecting us to throw away that much money?"

At which point the lawyer speaks up and says in a disapproving tone "I can't believe you guys would be so greedy! I'll have you know I left a check for the full $50,000 in his coffin like he asked!"

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

Speaking in German in Texas

In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

Who was the best financier in the Bible?

Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors all across the country will be plastered with red notices and the empty streets will reek of lingering gunpowder. The people, with nothing to do will turn to day-long drinking and gambling. Children will roam the streets begging for money. So sad."

 

China foreign ministry: "That's Chinese New Year, dumbass."

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.

The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

The new store...

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'

An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...

He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"

So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.

The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".

The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"

Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...

There were no casual tees.

Why was Noah a great economist?

He kept his stock afloat while everything else was in liquidation.

A black man walks into a gun store in Texas.

"I would like to see that glock on the display wall"
"I am sorry sir we are out of stock for those" replied the salesman.
"Ok, show me the one beside it, the rifle"
"We are out of those, as well"

Suspecting the salesman is a racist he goes to a lawyer.
When the lawyer, who is white, walks into the store and asks, "what have you got against blacks..." when he is interrupted.
"Well we have handguns, rifles, shotguns..."

The Jewelery Store

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man
and said "There's no money in that account!"

'I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

Rancher Abe and his mating bull

Abe the rancher was having issues with his stock because his prized bull would not mate. Abe's friends told him to try a vaginal smear technique.
They told Abe to get a cow and rub the vaginal juices and then rub it onto and under the bulls nose

Sure enough, Abe's prized bull when crazy and began to mate that day.

After a long day of success Abe headed back to his home where his wife was sound asleep. He saw his wife laying there and though maybe he'd give the vaginal smear technique at try on himself. He reached into her panties, fondled around and smeared the juices all over his nose.

Instantly he felt a surge, he was up and ready to go. He tried to wake up his wife, "Honey! Honey get up! I have something important to show you!"

Abe's wife looked at him in shock "Abe! You woke me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?!?!"

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Too. Want to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes

A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.

You lose half your money and your wife is still around.

What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns?

Several gallons of laughing stock.

Why did the chicken love Campbell's Soup?

Because his family had stock in the company.

Did you guys hear about the ramen noodles without flavor packets?

You can't buy them anymore though, they ran out of stock.

I like my women how I like my stock images...

Rights free

Two cannibals had captured and killed a clown.

They decided to make a laughing stock out of him.

A balding, white haired man from Bellville, in Cape Town

walked into a jewellery store in Tygervalley this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger blond at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $240,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

Husband and Wife go to a live stock show...

...and are passing through the bull section when they go up to a bull with a sign that indicates that the bull mated 12 times last year.

The wife says, "Honey, that's at least once a month. See, you could take a lesson from him." The husband doesn't say anything and they keep going to the next bull.

The sign indicates the bull mated 52 times last year. The wife says, "Honey, that's at least once a week. See, you could take a lesson from him." The husband doesn't say anything and they keep going to the next bull.

This time the sign says the bull mated 365 times last year. The wife says, "Honey, that's at once a day! Now you really should take a lesson from him."

The husband get fed up and replies, "And you think that bull mated with the same cow each of those times?"

Weekend

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000β€³ the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon, he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man, But let me tell you about my weekend!

The stock market is like sex.

You just need to know when to pull out.

How stock markets work!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'

This is how stock markets work!

The stock market is like a woman....

....when she goes down, you buy more

How does the stock market work?

Cletus and Wade watching the sunset on their tractor have a chat.

Cletus: Wade, I keep hearing on the radio, TV, read in the papers about the stock market but I still have no idea it is. Do you know?

Wade: How should I explain this to you... Let's say you buy some eggs for your farm, these eggs hatch and now you have chicks, these chicks grow up to be hens which lay more eggs out of which you get more chicks that grow up to be hens and so on and so forth and your farm is full of them. One day a big black flood ravages your land and takes all of them downstream.

Then you sit and think to yourself: *ducks... I should have gotten ducks.* That's what the stock market is like.

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

Why don't clowns invest their money in the market?

They'd be the laughing stock.

What do you call a stock market crash in Japan?

The "My Yen" Apocalypse

Dang squirrels

There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.

One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid things off. Well his apprentice mixed up the flours and he ended up having to throw out his whole stock of flour and the squirrels remained

Seeing how badly his friend had blundered with his antics, the blacksmith thinks he has a better idea. "I'll roast'm out" he says to himself and proceeds to make his forge extremely hot.... and ends up burning his shop to the ground. the squirrels remained.

The priest being fed up with the squirrels running around and ruining mass gathers up all the squirrels in one place and baptizes every one of them. Now they only come to the church on Christmas and Easter.

Four guys were golfing when one gets a phone call and walks away

The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons have been. The first guy explains how his son started as an entry level stock broker, but now owns his own wealth management firm. The last time he got a friend a gift, he gave him a half-million dollar investment portfolio. The second guy then brags about his son. My son is so successful, he started out as a used car salesman but now owns his own dealership. He recently gave a friend a brand new Bentley as a birthday gift. The third guy, not to be outdone, says that his son started as a carpenter but now owns a construction company. The last gift he gave a friend was a brand new house. At this point, the fourth guy returns from his call. The other gentleman ask about his son, to which he replies "Well, I'm not too pleased with my son right now. He has been unemployed for the last year and a half, and he recently told me he is gay." As the other men look at him in horror, he continues "But he must be really good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends gave him a huge stock portfolio, and new luxury car, and a brand new house."

The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....?

Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.

Do you know why the European stock markets are sliding down?

Greece.

The most successful investor was Noah.

He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.

A huge earthquake shook Mexico

Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock

Why was Noah the best business man in the bible?

He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated

At first, I was merely a stock trading enthusiast…

…but now I'm fully invested.

Why are stock traders so good at sex?

Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you.

Comfortable

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a slow reader."

I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch.

I can't afford her, but you probably could.

*(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*

Who are the greatest financiers in the bible?

Noah, all his stock was afloat when the rest of the world was in liquidation, and Pharaohs' daughter, who went to the bank and found a little prophet.

I was trying to find some spare RAM sticks in our stock room but I couldn't see any...

Because it was SO-DIMM.

How is marijuana stock sold on the stock market?

Buy high sell higher.

The stock market plunge of 2008 was worse than a divorce...

I lost half of everything, but I still have my wife!

I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators...

But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s.

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.



My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

PETA is a successful investor

in the laughing stock market.

Why was Noah a great businessman?

He floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT

invest 10 million into it

The supermarket ran out of soup.

They were out of stock.

How to make Stock jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Stock to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Stock? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Stock pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes