The Best 68 Stock Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Stock jokes. There are some stock conveyor jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stock ipo puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Stock Jokes and Puns
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.
That's pretty humerus.
The stock market is like a woman....
....when she goes down, you buy more
What do you call a stock market crash in Japan?
The "My Yen" Apocalypse
A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.
She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.
"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"
The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."
The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"
What country does Santa visit first?
China, to stock up on the presents for the rest of them.
I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch.
I can't afford her, but you probably could.
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
Why was Noah a great economist?
He kept his stock afloat while everything else was in liquidation.
The new store...
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'
Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
You can explore stock buy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stock investment dad jokes. There are also stock puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Who are the greatest financiers in the bible?
Noah, all his stock was afloat when the rest of the world was in liquidation, and Pharaohs' daughter, who went to the bank and found a little prophet.
At first, I was merely a stock trading enthusiast…
…but now I'm fully invested.
The funeral
One day a man dies and in his will, he leaves $300,000 to his stock broker, financial adviser and his lawyer, each one receiving $100,000. In the will he also states that he wants all 3 of them to to leave half of the money they received ($50,000) in his coffin after the funeral.
The day of the funeral comes and each man approaches the coffin to do what was asked of them and once they're all done, they meet up at the bar.
After a few drinks, the stock broker speaks up "I gotta be honest with you guys. I only left $10,000 in the coffin. But I mean, it's not like he'll be able to spend it, right?"
To which the financial adviser admits "Hey, don't feel bad. I only left $5,000 in the coffin. I mean, is he really expecting us to throw away that much money?"
At which point the lawyer speaks up and says in a disapproving tone "I can't believe you guys would be so greedy! I'll have you know I left a check for the full $50,000 in his coffin like he asked!"
Why are stock traders so good at sex?
Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you.
Did you guys hear about the ramen noodles without flavor packets?
You can't buy them anymore though, they ran out of stock.
What do you get if you boil funnybones?
A laughing stock.
Do you know why the European stock markets are sliding down?
Greece.
An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...
He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"
Apple Stock
Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.
You lose half your money and your wife is still around.
Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...
There were no casual tees.
Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
What do you call a happy cow?
Laughing stock.
What do you call a grumpy cow?
A Feminist
A black man walks into a gun store in Texas.
"I would like to see that glock on the display wall"
"I am sorry sir we are out of stock for those" replied the salesman.
"Ok, show me the one beside it, the rifle"
"We are out of those, as well"
Suspecting the salesman is a racist he goes to a lawyer.
When the lawyer, who is white, walks into the store and asks, "what have you got against blacks..." when he is interrupted.
"Well we have handguns, rifles, shotguns..."
How is marijuana stock sold on the stock market?
Buy high sell higher.
I was trying to find some spare RAM sticks in our stock room but I couldn't see any...
Because it was SO-DIMM.
What do women and the stock market have in common?
If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.
Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....
But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....?
Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.
Why did the chicken love Campbell's Soup?
Because his family had stock in the company.
I like my women how I like my stock images...
Rights free
Why was Noah the best business man in the bible?
He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated
Why don't clowns invest their money in the market?
They'd be the laughing stock.
If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...
why wasn't he James Stock?
-Caroline
CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...
You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.
This could turn into a total Meltdown.
What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns?
Several gallons of laughing stock.
Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy
at $157 Facebook stock price
Two cannibals had captured and killed a clown.
They decided to make a laughing stock out of him.
The most successful investor was Noah.
He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Too. Want to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes
The stock market is like sex.
You just need to know when to pull out.
I'm not surprised Nike's stock fell after the Colin Kaepernick ad
They should have picked a more stand-up guy.
A huge earthquake shook Mexico
Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929
But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps
Where can you buy soup in bulk?
The stock market.
Saucy!?
I tried to make a 'fancy' sauce last night at dinner, I mixed vodka, gravy and nitrous oxide, sadly, all I managed was make myself an Absolut laughing stock!
What do you get when you boil a clown?
Laughing stock
What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
I've been watching my HTZ stock go down.
It really Hertz.
I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can't leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.
I'm suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.
Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.
This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.
There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible
One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.
The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.
A man over heard my conversation about GameStop stock and asked me what'a this fuss all about?
I said, Do you want the long or the short story?
What's considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?
Manipulating the stock market
To Non-USA Redditor's
You all thought trying to enjoy Reddit without enduring US politics was hard?
Welcome to 2021 where we introduce you to our stock market!
I couldn't get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.
I hope to become a bouillionaire!
Why do panda bears keep buying bamboo?
They just like the stock!
I'm new to the stock market and I've been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I'll explain.
That's when I tend to buy them.
Ever since I bought $GME shares, my wife won't stop boiling chickens.
She likes the stock.
Canadian #1: What can I get for ya there bud?
Canadian #2: Oh I'd like this fancy car please.
Canadian #1: Well how about that, would you like the stock model or can I interest you in some upgrades?
Canadian #2: I'd like all the bells & whistles and upgrades ya got please.
Canadian#1: Well you must be quite wealthy then because that's gonna you an arm & a leg
Canadian #2: Can I pay in two knees?
I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena!
But I'd only make myself a laughing stock.
My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes.
I don't put too much stock in that.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stock auditor jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working stock invest piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.