Stock Jokes
138 stock jokes and hilarious stock puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stock that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover one-of-a-kind stock jokes and hilarious puns about the stock market. Laugh along as favorite topics—including meme stocks, laughing stocks, insider buying, liquidation, and out of stocks—are explored. Get ready for some unique stock market humor!
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Funniest Stock Short Jokes
Short stock jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stock humour may include short inventory jokes also.
- Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausage and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.
- What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks? A good start. HOLD the LINE.
- I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share! It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?
- I couldn't get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead. I hope to become a bouillionaire!
- What do you call a happy cow? Laughing stock.
What do you call a grumpy cow?
A Feminist - During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks. Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
- Everyone is panicking about the stock markets.... But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
- I'm sorry, I won't be buying ingredients for soup anytime soon The stock market is terrible
- I'm not surprised Nike's stock fell after the Colin Kaepernick ad They should have picked a more stand-up guy.
- What do women and the stock market have in common? If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.
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Stock One Liners
Which stock one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stock? I can suggest the ones about stuff and sell.
- If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. That's pretty humerus.
- What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
- What do you get if you boil funnybones? A laughing stock.
- I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Xmas It's just a stocking filler.
- Where does 007 invest his money? Bonds. Stocks and bonds.
- Apple Stock Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China
- Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy at $157 Facebook stock price
- I am a stock broker I am broke after investing in stocks
- I bought some Bose stocks today. It was a sound investment.
- Why did the chicken love Campbell's Soup? Because his family had stock in the company.
- I like my women how I like my stock images... Rights free
- If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle... why wasn't he James Stock?
-Caroline - The stock market is like a woman.... ....when she goes down, you buy more
- What do you call a clown after you've boiled it for 10 hours? A laughing stock!
- Where can you buy soup in bulk? The stock market.
Out Of Stock Jokes
Here is a list of funny out of stock jokes and even better out of stock puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm feeling sad because I went to the supermarket today for the sale they had on ginger ale but they were dumping all their stock into a hydraulic crusher out back. It was soda pressing.
- Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
- To Non-USA Redditor's You all thought trying to enjoy Reddit without enduring US politics was hard?
Welcome to 2021 where we introduce you to our stock market! - CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading... You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.
This could turn into a total Meltdown. - I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler
- Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing... There were no casual tees.
- I invested my dad's money in stocks and made him a millionaire. He used to be a billionaire.
- I've recently started investing in stocks I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.
- What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns? Several gallons of laughing stock.
Stock Market Jokes
Here is a list of funny stock market jokes and even better stock market puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I lost 50 pounds in the past month Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.
- What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market. A tall medium who shorts.
- Do you know why the European stock markets are sliding down? Greece.
- This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week! Just invest in the British stock market
- What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
- What's the quickest way to become a millionaire in the stock market? Invest a billion dollars.
- I'm new to the stock market and I've been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I'll explain. That's when I tend to buy them.
- PETA is a successful investor in the laughing stock market.
- The stock market plunge of 2008 was worse than a divorce... I lost half of everything, but I still have my wife!
- The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT invest 10 million into it
Laughing Stock Jokes
Here is a list of funny laughing stock jokes and even better laughing stock puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two cannibals had captured and killed a clown. They decided to make a laughing stock out of him.
- My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock
- I always put my laughter in a jar... I make the best laughing stock in town
- Did you hear about the unprofitable chain of comedy clubs that went public through an IPO? It has now become the laughing stock.
- My fellow investors mocked me for buying shares in Nitrous Oxide. It's the laughing stock.
- What would happen if a clown opened his business up to the global market? He would be a laughing stock!
- a little tidbit i found in starbound human: \*scans stock
\*if i told this stock a funny joke it would be a laughing stock - What do Boris Johnson, the British Economy, and an entertained cube of beef extract have in common? They're all laughing stocks.
- A happy cow is laughing stock... An angry cow is a feminist
- What's the funniest kind of stock? A laughing stock.
Chicken Stock Jokes
Here is a list of funny chicken stock jokes and even better chicken stock puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Elon Musk has announced a new recipe for chicken soup First you boil the chicken in water and then you dump the stock.
- Where does a rooster invest his money In chicken stock!
Reposted for spelling - Ever since I bought $GME shares, my wife won't stop boiling chickens. She likes the stock.
- I lost everything investing in poultry That's what you get for putting your money in chicken stock.
- How did the poultry farmer become wealthy? He sold all his chicken stock
- Chicken stock has gone up today, but only by a poultry sum.
- Why did the "Chicken Soup Waterfall" attraction fail? Its stock was plummeting.
- Where is the best place to buy chicken broth? at the stock market
- Invest in stocks Beef, chicken, vegetable. You'll be a bouillonaire in no thyme!
- The only stock options I have... ... are chicken and beef.
Meme Stock Jokes
Here is a list of funny meme stock jokes and even better meme stock puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Memes are really just good free stock photos.
Fun-Filled Stock Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about stock you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean market jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stock pranks.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Investment question
If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy?
A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a stock market c**... in Japan?
The "My Yen" Apocalypse
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I know a h**... downtown that charges by the inch.
I can't afford her, but you probably could.
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
The new store...
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'
Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
At first, I was merely a stock trading enthusiast…
…but now I'm fully invested.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**...
One day a man dies and in his will, he leaves $300,000 to his stock broker, financial adviser and his lawyer, each one receiving $100,000. In the will he also states that he wants all 3 of them to to leave half of the money they received ($50,000) in his coffin after the f**....
The day of the f**... comes and each man approaches the coffin to do what was asked of them and once they're all done, they meet up at the bar.
After a few drinks, the stock broker speaks up "I gotta be honest with you guys. I only left $10,000 in the coffin. But I mean, it's not like he'll be able to spend it, right?"
To which the financial adviser admits "Hey, don't feel bad. I only left $5,000 in the coffin. I mean, is he really expecting us to throw away that much money?"
At which point the lawyer speaks up and says in a disapproving tone "I can't believe you guys would be so greedy! I'll have you know I left a check for the full $50,000 in his coffin like he asked!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are stock traders so good at s**...?
Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you.
Did you guys hear about the ramen noodles without flavor packet?
You can't buy them anymore though, they ran out of stock.
An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...
He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators...
But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man walks into a gun store in Texas.
"I would like to see that glock on the display wall"
"I am sorry sir we are out of stock for those" replied the salesman.
"Ok, show me the one beside it, the rifle"
"We are out of those, as well"
Suspecting the salesman is a racist he goes to a lawyer.
When the lawyer, who is white, walks into the store and asks, "what have you got against b**......" when he is interrupted.
"Well we have handguns, rifles, shotguns..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How is m**... stock sold on the stock market?
Buy high sell higher.
I was trying to find some spare RAM sticks in our stock room but I couldn't see any...
Because it was SO-DIMM.
Why was Noah the best business man in the bible?
He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Too. Want to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The stock market is like s**....
You just need to know when to pull out.
A huge earthquake shook Mexico
Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about s**....
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market c**... of 1929
But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Saucy!?
I tried to make a 'fancy' sauce last night at dinner, I mixed v**..., gravy and nitrous oxide, sadly, all I managed was make myself an Absolut laughing stock!
I've been watching my HTZ stock go down.
It really Hertz.
I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can't leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.
I'm suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.
There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible
One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.
The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.
A man over heard my conversation about GameStop stock and asked me what'a this fuss all about?
I said, Do you want the long or the short story?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's considered t**... if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?
Manipulating the stock market
What do you call someone who buys up the garden store's entire stock of shrubbery?
A hedgehog!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo Mamma So s**...
She thought Chicken Stock was KFC's share market
I have some great stock tips..
Always keep the simmer low and slow. Save up the odds and ends from veggies. If you're using chicken, skim the fat/floaty bits off to get a clear liquid etc.
If you keep doing this, you end up a bouillonaire.
Sadly that shop didn't have any small shiny discs either.
Sorry , said the cashier, we don't have any in stock.
A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.
So she tried another shop down the road.
Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is a stock market c**... worse than a divorce?
Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there
What company has the best stock?
Campbell's
End of the World: Stock up on Staples.
My Mom: Do you think this War is the end? Do you think we should stock up on staples?
My Dad: I don't think there will be that much paperwork.
What's the difference between me and the stock market?
1) My parents are actually invested in the stock market
2) The stock market still has some value
3) People care that the stock market is currently depressed
What do Stock Traders, Gay Men, and Chicagoans have in common?
They all love the bears.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A chef I know just boiled up a chicken carcass with seasoning, vegetables and nitrous oxide.
I told him he's made himself a laughing stock.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian Excuse me, I'm looking for the French constitution ...
...The librarian replies, I'm sorry, we don't stock periodicals.
