The Best 35 Stitches Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Stitches jokes. There are some stitches transplant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stitches surgical puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Stitches Jokes and Puns

Be careful when you ROFL! I once heard a joke in a scissor factory...

It left me in stitches.

Why did the book get stitches?

Because he had his appendix removed.

note: books can also be female.

So I told my friend a joke about embroidery the other day...

and the punchline had him in stitches!

Stitches joke, So I told my friend a joke about embroidery the other day...

What did the doctor say to the rude patient who was reluctant to get stitches from him?

"Fine, suture yourself."

`That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches.

"Nah."
"Fine, suture self."


A mailman, a boy, and a unicorn walk into a bar.

The woman gets a concussion, some stitches, and a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

Stitches joke, Husband send a text to his wife

I went to see a Jihadist comedian last night...

Some of the audience's sides were splitting and everyone was in stitches, but I thought he bombed on stage.

What did they say to the doctor that wanted to sew his own stitches?

"Suture self!"

Dad: Got a good joke for you, it's a knock knock joke

Me: OK...

Dad: you have to start...

Me: OK, Knock knock

Dad: Who's there.....

Me: ಠ_ಠ .... Well I don't know, IT'S YOUR JOKE!

Why was the patient happy?

He left the operating room in stitches.

You can explore stitches ward reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stitches suture dad jokes. There are also stitches puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for Hitler?

He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.

If Dr. Seuss were a convict (poem)

What's this in my hand?
Behind your back?
It's soap on a a rope!
Whack whack whack!

What's this in my sock?
Tick tock, knock knock.
A large steel lock!
Chock chock chock!

What's this in my breeches?
I heard that you blab..
Snitches get stitches!
Stab stab stab!!

My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

Today I was stabbed by a comedian

You could say he had me in stitches.

I saw a man walking down the street in a fancy suit today

He was so sharply dressed I had to go to the hospital for stitches

Stitches joke, I saw a man walking down the street in a fancy suit today

Did you hear about the clown on the loose in the textile factory?

The manager was in stitches

I asked why my stitches were unravelling but accidentally posted it to a gaming forum last night

Turns out it was the wrong thread

I told my doctor that I could sew stitches better than he could.

He replied, "Fine, suture self".


My buddy is a doctor. When he got a nasty cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.

I said, "Fine, suture self."

Q: If a doctor wants to specialize in stitches, in what state should he study?

A: Connectacut

What did the doctor say to the patient who didn't want to get stitches?

Sucher self

What did one doctor say to another that was giving himself stitches?

Suture self.

Two blokes are out driving in Saudi Arabia.

The driver has a row of stitches around both his wrists. His mate points at them and says, I see you won your appeal then...

What do you call a tailor that stitches quickly?

Taylor Swift.

Surgeons and embroiders must tell the best jokes....

...they always leave us in stitches

Parody of Jinga Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

I wasn't going to make a joke about Zion's shoe exploding...

Between stitches, an asian kid told me "You don't have quality material" insisting "[I] put myself in his shoes. Just for a minute. Just do it!"

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

I'm repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.

My wife started a program to support whistle blowers by knitting them sweaters.

She calls the program Snitches get Stitches

I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said "suture self".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stitches appendectomy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working stitches stitch piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes