Stitches Jokes

45 stitches jokes and hilarious stitches puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stitches that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Stitches Short Jokes

Short stitches jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stitches humour may include short stitch up jokes also.

  1. I'm going to start a quidditch ball repair shop, staffed entirely with ex-cons from Azkaban. It'll be called Snitches Get Stitches .
  2. My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
  3. `That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches. "Nah."
    "Fine, suture self."
  4. Dad: Got a good joke for you, it's a knock knock joke Me: OK...
    Dad: you have to start...
    Me: OK, Knock knock
    Dad: Who's there.....
    Me: ಠ_ಠ .... Well I don't know, IT'S YOUR JOKE!
  5. My wife started a program to support whistle blowers by knitting them sweaters. She calls the program Snitches get Stitches
  6. I told my doctor that I could sew stitches better than he could. He replied, "Fine, suture self".
  7. I took my shoddy suit to the tailors, and said, "can this be repaired? It looks like the stitching's come undone." "Hmmm, yes... ", he replied, examining the suit, "sew it's seams".
  8. A mailman, a boy, and a unicorn walk into a bar. The woman gets a concussion, some stitches, and a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder.
  9. I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said "suture self".
  10. A beekeeper said he wanted to train his hives to work with stitching and rope. I asked him if he really thought that would work, and he nodded and said May bee sew, may bee knot

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Stitches One Liners

Which stitches one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stitches? I can suggest the ones about stabs and seams.

  1. The dumpling told such good jokes, it always left me in stitches.
  2. Why do dumplings make great comedians? They always have the “fun-guys” in stitches!
  3. What do you call it when a Doctor gives themself stitches? Suture self!
  4. I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out... Or sew it seams.
  5. Just had an operation on my funny bone.... Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.
  6. Should you tie or stitch your loose ends? Maybe sew maybe knot!
  7. What's the first rule of tailoring club? Britches get stitches.
  8. What did they say to the doctor that wanted to sew his own stitches? "Suture self!"
  9. Why do Germans believe in procrastinating? Because a stitch in time saves nein.
  10. My friend had to go get a wound stitched I told him to get well sewn.
  11. What did one doctor say to another that was giving himself stitches? Suture self.
  12. What did the doctor say to the patient who didn't want to get stitches? Sucher self
  13. Today I was stabbed by a comedian You could say he had me in stitches.
  14. What do you get when your surgeon laughs right before surgery? A stitch in your side...
  15. Why was the patient happy? He left the operating room in stitches.

Stitches joke, Why was the patient happy?

Quirky and Hilarious Stitches Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.

What funny jokes about stitches you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sewing needles jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stitches pranks.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

Getting a s**... change isn't that complicated.

Little bit of snipping.
Little bit of stitching.
And Bob's your aunt.

What's the difference between a surgeon and a comedian?

A comedian has a successful day if his jokes kill, and he leaves everyone in stitches.
A surgeon can afford to move out of his parents' house.

If Dr. Seuss were a convict (poem)

What's this in my hand?
Behind your back?
It's soap on a a rope!
Whack whack whack!
What's this in my sock?
Tick tock, knock knock.
A large steel lock!
Chock chock chock!
What's this in my breeches?
I heard that you blab..
Snitches get stitches!
Stab stab stab!!

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."

What dog breed is the funniest?

Pit bulls, they leave everyone in stitches.
Disclaimer: I am a pit owner, and I still found this funny. Please don't inundate me with pro-pitty rebuttals, I already know.

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for h**...?

He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.

My buddy is a doctor. When he got a n**... cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.

I said, "Fine, suture self."

I had a patient the other day who didn't want to let me stitch up his laceration. I said fine...

Suture self

After the operation I say to the doctor...

"Look, I'm gonna try to save some money and stitch myself back up."
"Are you sure?" He says, "alright, suture self."

Stitches joke, Why do Germans believe in procrastinating?