Stitch Up Jokes
111 stitch up jokes and hilarious stitch up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stitch up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Stitch Up Short Jokes
Short stitch up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stitch up humour may include short stitches jokes also.
- I'm going to start a quidditch ball repair shop, staffed entirely with ex-cons from Azkaban. It'll be called Snitches Get Stitches .
- My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
- `That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches. "Nah."
"Fine, suture self." - Dad: Got a good joke for you, it's a knock knock joke Me: OK...
Dad: you have to start...
Me: OK, Knock knock
Dad: Who's there.....
Me: ಠ_ಠ .... Well I don't know, IT'S YOUR JOKE!
- My wife started a program to support whistle blowers by knitting them sweaters. She calls the program Snitches get Stitches
- I told my doctor that I could sew stitches better than he could. He replied, "Fine, suture self".
- I took my shoddy suit to the tailors, and said, "can this be repaired? It looks like the stitching's come undone." "Hmmm, yes... ", he replied, examining the suit, "sew it's seams".
- A mailman, a boy, and a unicorn walk into a bar. The woman gets a concussion, some stitches, and a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder.
- I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said "suture self".
- A beekeeper said he wanted to train his hives to work with stitching and rope. I asked him if he really thought that would work, and he nodded and said May bee sew, may bee knot
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Stitch Up One Liners
Which stitch up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stitch up? I can suggest the ones about sewing and suture.
- The dumpling told such good jokes, it always left me in stitches.
- Why do dumplings make great comedians? They always have the “fun-guys” in stitches!
- What do you call it when a Doctor gives themself stitches? Suture self!
- I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out... Or sew it seams.
- Just had an operation on my funny bone.... Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.
- Should you tie or stitch your loose ends? Maybe sew maybe knot!
- What's the first rule of tailoring club? Britches get stitches.
- What did they say to the doctor that wanted to sew his own stitches? "Suture self!"
- Why do Germans believe in procrastinating? Because a stitch in time saves nein.
- My friend had to go get a wound stitched I told him to get well sewn.
- What did one doctor say to another that was giving himself stitches? Suture self.
- What did the doctor say to the patient who didn't want to get stitches? Sucher self
- Today I was stabbed by a comedian You could say he had me in stitches.
- What do you get when your surgeon laughs right before surgery? A stitch in your side...
- Why was the patient happy? He left the operating room in stitches.
Stitch Up Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about stitch up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sewing thread jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stitch up pranks.
A couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
Yo' Mama is so bald, her cornrows look like stitches.
Chuck Norris once stitched up a cut in his arm with a spoon.
My grandma Edna had to get a job...
...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her.
A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and observed as she meticulously folded two marbles into a small piece of cloth. Then, using a needle and thread, she stitched the folded cloth between the legs of a newly assembled Tickle-Me Elmo doll. Then she placed the finished doll into a bin for packaging. The foreman quietly watched with a growing expression of puzzlement on his face as Edna repeated this process several times.
Finally, the Foreman's eyes lit up with understanding. He placed his hand on her shoulder and said "No, Edna. I told you to give each doll two... test... tickles."
Be careful when you ROFL! I once heard a joke in a scissor factory...
It left me in stitches.
A man walks into a bar....
He needs four stitches.
Did you hear about the guy who went to a comedy club after surgery?
He was in stitches!
Why did the book get stitches?
Because he had his appendix removed.
note: books can also be female.
So yesterday I was getting a mole removed...
The dermatologist explained that since it grew back looking cancerous, they'd have to cut a bigger section out, which would require a few stitches. Anyways, the procedure is underway, and I'm laying face down as they're cutting into me. It's a little quiet so I try to lighten the atmosphere with a joke.
"You guys know that this mole spoke to me. It could actually talk!" The nurse was a little confused by this and responded, weakly "oh, really?". I said "Yeah, he used to talk to me all the time. He said I could never tell anyone that he was on my back, because 'Snitches... Get Stitches.'"
It was pretty silent after that. The doctor let out a snort/cough/chuckle after thinking about it. But I'm still not sure if the joke was worth the awkwardness.
So I told my friend a joke about embroidery the other day...
and the punchline had him in stitches!
A man in overalls walks into the emergency room...
A man in overalls walks into the emergency room with the tips of his fingers missing.
"What happened to you?" Asked the Doctor as he began stitching him up.
"Well," the man replied, "I had to trim my bushes today, and I thought of a way to speed it up. Instead of using clippers, I held my lawn mower above the bushes. But then the blade lopped off the tips of my fingers underneath."
The doctor shook his head, finished the job, and sent the man home.
Ten minutes later another man walks into the emergency room, also missing all of his fingertips.
"What happened to you?" Asked the doctor.
"I was driving down the road, and I saw somebody with to best idea of how to trim their bushes."
I went Chris Brown on Lilo & Stitch
.....I made Hawaiian punch.
What did the doctor say to the rude patient who was reluctant to get stitches from him?
"Fine, suture yourself."
Post tortoise
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of s**... a**... put him up there to begin with."
I tore the elbow of my shirt last week, but I was able to stitch it back together.
On the hole, it's held up surprisingly well.
Husband send a text to his wife
Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?
I went to see a Jihadist comedian last night...
Some of the audience's sides were splitting and everyone was in stitches, but I thought he bombed on stage.
A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.
The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."
A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the OB gets there, the taxidermist hands him a *wallet*! It is beautifully made, with thousands of tiny stitches, but it's *disappointingly small*.
OB: What? I gave you thousands of foreskins! That's it?
The taxidermist grins and says "When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"
A stitch in time...
Would confuse Einstein
Two Men Walk Into A Bar
Its okay, they're getting stitches at the hospital.
Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for h**...?
He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.
If Dr. Seuss were a convict (poem)
What's this in my hand?
Behind your back?
It's soap on a a rope!
Whack whack whack!
What's this in my sock?
Tick tock, knock knock.
A large steel lock!
Chock chock chock!
What's this in my breeches?
I heard that you blab..
Snitches get stitches!
Stab stab stab!!
Rhianna is writing the soundtrack for the new Lilo and Stitch movie
It's about how Stitch develops a gambling problem
>STITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY
Why did the mad scientist stitch the three left-wing politicians together?
He was trying to make a right-wing one.
What do snitches and cuts have in common?
They both get stitches
I saw a man walking down the street in a fancy suit today
He was so sharply dressed I had to go to the hospital for stitches
After the operation I say to the doctor...
"Look, I'm gonna try to save some money and stitch myself back up."
"Are you sure?" He says, "alright, suture self."
Did you hear about the clown on the loose in the textile factory?
The manager was in stitches
What did the doctor say to the annoying patient who didn't like the way he was stitching up his cut?
Suture self.
I asked why my stitches were unravelling but accidentally posted it to a gaming forum last night
Turns out it was the wrong thread
I work in a glove factory, stitching the different parts on. Recently I have been thinking that the guy before me in the production line...
He's always giving me the finger
I walked in to a shop the other day.
14 stitches
3 surgeons discuss who is the best surgeon of them.
Says the one: "I am the best surgeon of Texas! A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them on and tomorrow he gives a private concert for the queen."
Says the second: "This is nothing! A young man lost both his arms and his legs in an accident. I stitched them back on and two years later he won the gold medal in the olympic games!"
Says the 3rd: "Amateurs! A few years ago a cowboy rode s**... and drunk in front of a train. All that remained were his b**... and the blonde mane of his horse. I did the surgery on him and today he is the president of the United States."
Did you know most surgeons are comedians?
They leave people in stitches!!!!
What do the guards shout at the Shawshank sweatshop?
Get busy stitching, or get busy dying.
My buddy is a doctor. When he got a n**... cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.
I said, "Fine, suture self."
Q: If a doctor wants to specialize in stitches, in what state should he study?
A: Connectacut
A r**... mistook his own foot for a flounder while flounder gigging...
Later at the hospital, he was chatting with the doctor as the doctor was stitching him up. The doctor was also an avid fisherman too.
Doctor: I see you were using a double pronged gig.
r**...: No, I use a single prong gig.
Doctor: Then why am I stitching up two holes?
r**...: Well the first one is from the gig, the second is from where I tried to put it on the s**....
Where Does Frankenstein's Monster Shop for Clothes?
Abercrombie & Stitch
Don't you hate the purely fashionable pockets that don't open to hold anything?
What a complete stitch-up.
A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.
"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."
7 tries to eat 9 but fails...
Because a stitch in time saves 9.
What do you call angry sowing?
Cross stitching
What do you call dirty stitching?
Sewage
When I asked my tailor if it mattered that the stitching was unravelling on my pants, his only response was,...
"Frayed Sew"
I took my suit back to the tailor as the stitching had come undone.
I showed him the problem and he said, "Hmmm, yes... sew its seams".
I walked into a store the other day
14 stitches..
A rapper, who had just got out of surgery, over-exerted himself...
They call him Papa Stitch.
I want to make a Russian coffee table book based on s**... positions using cross stitch images. I will call it...
The c**... suture.
An urban veterinary clinic offered free spaying...
Their slogan was b**... get stitches!'
Two blokes are out driving in Saudi Arabia.
The driver has a row of stitches around both his wrists. His mate points at them and says, I see you won your appeal then...
A tailor goes into a bank....
It was a stitch
The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.
The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!
What do you call a tailor that stitches quickly?
Taylor Swift.
Surgeons and embroiders must tell the best jokes....
...they always leave us in stitches
A stitch in time...
keeps Daddy happy.
Parody of Jinga Bells
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
I had a patient the other day who didn't want to let me stitch up his laceration. I said fine...
Suture self
I wasn't going to make a joke about Zion's shoe exploding...
Between stitches, an asian kid told me "You don't have quality material" insisting "[I] put myself in his shoes. Just for a minute. Just do it!"
My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back
"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"
The stitches come out on Monday.
Cotton the middle of life and death
A stalk of wheat goes in to have a s**...-change operation. After hours and hours in the operating room, one of the surgeons has a slip up with the sickle they are using. Nearly bleeding out, the wheat is stitched up in the nick of time.
A few weeks later, the wheat is recounting the story to its partner, who is a stalk of cotton. They tell them the operation was worth it, and they are lucky to be a sir fiber.
I'm repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,
but Snitches get stitches
911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
I was having random bouts of diarrhea...
Couldn't figure out what the h**... was causing it.
Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.
Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.
Doctor she too loose
A man brings his wife to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you have to stitch her up down there she's too loose."
The doctor says, "Why don't you use the other hole?"
The man says "I don't want her to get pregnant."