The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:
"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."
The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"
To which the man responds:
"Man, that's exactly what I did!"
(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)
When you are both stiff
Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"
Man, threading a needle is tough!
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.
"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.
The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.
The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.
A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.
"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.
"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."
Grandpa and Billy were working out in the garden.
Grandpa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed Grandpa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
"Grandpa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."
"No," replied Grandpa, "That dollar's from grandma!"
(Not sure if repost :( )
I heard they're shooting something at YouTube HQ today.
Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff.
Stiff competition.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
Roses are red. nuts are brown.
Skirts go up. pants go down.
Body to body. skin to skin.
When it's stiff. stick it in.
It goes in dry. It comes out wet.
The longer it's in. The stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping. And it starts to sag.
It's not what you think. It's a tea bag.
... Threading a needle isn't easy
A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.
When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clothes. When she came back to get her clothes, they were stiff and uncomfortable. She complained to the store manager and asked why that happened to her clothes.
The store manager replied: "Well madam, old habits dye hard"
Let's just say there was some stiff competition.
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
Because the competition is stiff.
His first words were: "Huh... I'm a little stiff".
A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.
Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully.
"One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away.
"You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?"
The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."
My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
A couple had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.'
Yeah? she replies. When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'
At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.
A young boy is walking along, holding an earth worm, when his grandpa sees him and asks what he's doing with the worm. "I'm gonna stick it back in the ground." The grandpa says "there is no way, I'll bet you $5 you can't." "OK" says the boy and he goes and gets a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm while keeping it straight, until it is stiff as a board. He then sticks it in the ground. Dumbfounded, the grandpa hands the boy $5 and goes inside.
A little while later he comes back out and hands the boy another $5. The boy says "but you already gave me money" to which grandpa replies "I know, this is from grandma."
Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"
when you pry it from my frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
I had to beat off some stiff competition though
I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.
Its a teabag
"Oh yeah?" retorts the wife. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
You put a stiff one in both.
I learned some interesting things about Ghandi recently:
He worked a lot in his garden and walked around with bad sandals, making his skin very hard and stiff.
He went on several hunger strikes, making him quite frail.
He was a Hindu spiritual leader, and therefore had many arcane thoughts and teachings.
Also, India didn't have very good oral hygiene materials in Ghandi's day, so he often had very bad breath.
This all makes Ghandi a "super-calloused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis".
A grandfather is watching his grandson playing in the yard and asks what is he doing.
The grandson says:
- I'm shoving the worms back into their hole.
- And how can you do it if the worm is all limp and flaccid?
- It's a secret grandfather!
- I'll give you 10 bucks if you teach me how to do it.
- Well, I'll spread some wood glue, stretch the worm, wait until it dries and stays hard and then just put it in the hole.
- Take your 10 bucks.
The next day the grandfather goes to the kid, takes $100 from his pocket and gives to the grandson.
- Grandfather, have you forgotten? You already gave me $10 yesterday.
- I know. Those $100 are from your grandmother.
"Ok Jimmy", said Ms. Par, " I have something behind my back that is round, orange and is a piece of fruit, what is it?"
"That's easy" says Jimmy, "Its an orange!"
"Nope, its a tangerine, but it shows you're thinking."
Jimmy holds up his hand and says " Ok Ms. Par, I have one for you." the kid reaches into his front pocket and says, "In my hand is something stiff, with a red tip and is about one inch long. What is it?"
"JIMMY!!!!!" exclaims the teacher
The kid smiles, takes his hand out of his pocket and says
"Nope, its a match.... But it shows your thinking!"
Suddenly a stiff wind blows through and catches Tom off guard. He falls to his death. Walter and Mike rush down to the street level where a crowd has gathered around Tom's body.
"I suppose one of us should tell his wife", says Mike.
Walter sighed. "Well, I used to give him a ride home. I know where he lived and I'm good a delivering bad news. I'll do it."
So, Walter leaves Mike to help clean Tom off the sidewalk. About an hour later Walter comes back with a case of beer under his arm.
Mike says, "Hey! Where'd you get that?"
"Tom's wife gave it to me!"
"What? Why?"
"Well, when she answered the door, I asked her 'Are you Tom's widow?' She said "No, I'm not!' And I said "Bet you a case of beer you're wrong!'"
A little stiff.
There was too much stiff competition!
And he says, "Grandpa, where are your pants?"
The old man replies, "It was your Grandmother's idea. Yesterday I complained about having a stiff neck after sitting out here shirtless, so she suggested I stay out here pantsless before bedtime."
A spine
At what point does CPR become necrophilia?
Heh.
Heh.
When you're both stiff.
First post here :D
Because both are a little stiff.
the competition was stiff
There's gonna be stiff competition
I have minstrel cramps.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
But the competition is stiff.
Man who goes to bed with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand
Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.
He was a little stiff
Because I am stiff below the waist
**Elderly Woman 1:** My joints are getting stiff again.
**Elderly Woman 2:** You're rolling them too tight.
A stiff one
She must be rolling them too tight.
Cold, Stiff, and been in the cellar for the past few years.
1. They both put a stiff in a box.
2. They both require lots of tissues.
3. They can both sometimes make people cry.
from drinking a bottle of glue?
He was a little stiff.
except the one you want.
And now I've got a stiff neck.
They were met with stiff resistance
Mourning wood.
Original
To mourn the passing of the stiff they buried last night.
Isn't Rick and Morty that thing you get when you go all stiff after you die?
Strawberry milkshake with vodka.
Vomit 😝
I'm doing my best but there is some stiff competition
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Stiff? Well, here are the best Stiff puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Stiff pick up lines to share with friends.