Stiff Jokes
111 stiff jokes and hilarious stiff puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stiff that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your body laugh with this collection of "Stiff Jokes"! Filled with puns and witticisms about the all too common stiff necks, backs, arms, legs, and even a firmer upper lip, this set of jokes will have you in stitches and shaking with laughter. Whether you laugh at the silly scenarios Maddie finds herself in, the hilarious lines from a classic hairspray musical, or the classic puns, this collection of Stiff Jokes is sure to make your body tingle.
Quick Jump To
- Short Stiff Jokes
- Stiff One Liners
- Stiff Body Jokes
- Stiff Neck Jokes
- Stiff Upper Lip Jokes
- More Stiff Jokes
Funniest Stiff Short Jokes
Short stiff jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stiff humour may include short tough jokes also.
- Netflix's original content has some stiff competition. I heard they're shooting something at YouTube HQ today.
- The midget vampire woke up from his 100-year slumber His first words were: "Huh... I'm a little stiff".
- I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff. My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.
- I'll give up my thesaurus... when you pry it from my frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities.
- I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor. I swear I'm working with a bunch of stiffs.
- At what point... At what point does cpr become necrophilia?
Heh.
Heh.
When you're both stiff.
First post here :D - I've been playing my lute for 7 hours and my fingers are sore and stiff I have minstrel cramps.
- An unreferenced function walks into a bar Function says to the bartender, "I need a stiff drink, I've had a rough week."
Bartender asks, "Whats the problem?"
"Nobody calls me anymore!" - Some women say talking to men is like talking to a wall, and I completely agree that those men are bored stiff
- Did you hear about the baby who died ... from drinking a bottle of glue?
He was a little stiff.
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Stiff One Liners
Which stiff one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stiff? I can suggest the ones about steep and tense.
- When does CPR become necrophilia? When you are both stiff
- What do condoms and coffins have in common? They both hold stiffs
- What's a necrophiliacs favorite drink? Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff.
- Why is it tough to make it as a pornstar? Because the competition is stiff.
- I just won an innuendo competition! I had to beat off some stiff competition though
- How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin? A little stiff.
- Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI A spine
- Treadmill sellers are stiff competitors. They give you a run for your money.
- I woke up with my back stiff as a board It's morning wood
- I've always wanted to be the best dead person ever But the competition is stiff.
- What do you get when you milk a stone cow? A stiff drink.
- Why couldn't the undead midget finish the zombie race? He was a little stiff
- Hey baby, is your name Polio? Because I am stiff below the waist
- What's a zombies favorite drink A stiff one
- I wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
Stiff Body Jokes
Here is a list of funny stiff body jokes and even better stiff body puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Wait... I thought Rick and Morty was that thing that you get when you die and your body turns all stiff.
- I'm a necrophiliac and dead bodies turn me on. If you're not stiff as a board, I won't be stiff and I'll be bored.
Stiff Neck Jokes
Here is a list of funny stiff neck jokes and even better stiff neck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My Viagara got caught in my t**... and I choked... And now I've got a stiff neck.
Stiff Upper Lip Jokes
Here is a list of funny stiff upper lip jokes and even better stiff upper lip puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do the British give terrible blow jobs? The stiff upper lip.
- British people must really like Leia in the new Star Wars movie. Stiff upper lip!
- Why are the British known for keeping a stiff upper lip? Because it hides their teeth.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Stiff Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about stiff you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stubborn jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stiff pranks.
Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...
Its a teabag
Grandpa's Rocking Chair
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
Husband and Wife 40th Anniversary
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry
hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?
Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you s**... it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it.
Man, threading a needle is tough!
A boy finds his Grandfather sitting out on the porch completely n**... from the waist down.
And he says, "Grandpa, where are your pants?"
The old man replies, "It was your Grandmother's idea. Yesterday I complained about having a stiff neck after sitting out here shirtless, so she suggested I stay out here pantsless before bedtime."
My brother was worried last night that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep because he had a headache.
I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.
Stiff....
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"
What do a wedding and a f**... have in common?
At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.
I'm thinking about going to the male pornstar tryouts...
... but I heard there's some stiff competition.
The (wo)man of the house
Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!
During a fight, the husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!"
"Oh yeah?" retorts the wife. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
Q. Why did the dead midget m**... take a muscle relaxer?
A. Because he was feeling a little stiff!
I wanted to be the world's greatest Masterbator
I'm doing my best but there is some stiff competition
Anti-joke time
Q: What is 1 foot long, stiff and makes women scream all night?
A: A dead baby.
What's 12 inches long and stiff in the morning?
Cot death.
What do you call two f**... homes right next to each other?
Stiff competition.
A limerick for The Isle of Skye
When I was on the Isle of Skye
I overdid the old Spanish fly
I had a stiff member
From the fourth of December
Till Friday the tenth of July
A corpse walks into a bar...
And asks the bartender for a lemonade.
"Of course!" says the bartender, "I've never seen a stiff drink!"
Courtesy of the video game Fable 3.
"I Like My Drinks Like I Like My Women"
Cold, Stiff, and been in the cellar for the past few years.
I recently participated in an e**... contest. Unfortunately I didn't do so well.
Let's just say there was some stiff competition.
I found out I'm a necrophiliac.
How, you ask? I walked into an autopsy. It was stiff.
What is 18 inches long, Stiff, and makes a woman scream at night?...
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
I like the way you think
Roses are red. nuts are brown.
Skirts go up. pants go down.
Body to body. skin to skin.
When it's stiff. stick it in.
It goes in dry. It comes out wet.
The longer it's in. The stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping. And it starts to sag.
It's not what you think. It's a tea bag.
The lawyer said he'd work Pro Bono
but when the pants came off the competition was too stiff
A group of l**... models were protesting
They were met with stiff resistance
A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...
The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:
"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."
The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"
To which the man responds:
"Man, that's exactly what I did!"
(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)
Why are Mafia members so good at s**...?
Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.
What's pink and stiff?
Strawberry milkshake with v**....
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside...
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.
"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.
The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.
The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.
A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.
"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.
"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."
What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
v**... 😝
So, a corpse walks into a bar...
"Can I have a lemonade?" He asks the bartender.
The bartender says "Sure, I've never seen a stiff drink."
Three things funerals and having s**... have in common!
1. They both put a stiff in a box.
2. They both require lots of tissues.
3. They can both sometimes make people cry.
Once v**...'s patent expires....
There's gonna be stiff competition
Arthritis is the cruelest disease of all. It makes a lot of your parts stiff
except the one you want.
What's something that's stiff when it goes in but comes out wet the longer it's in, the longer it's in the stronger it gets, and comes out dripping and starting to sag?
A Lipton Tea Bag
What's the similarity between a coffin and a c**...?
You put a stiff one in both.
I could throw out a joke about a dead hobbit...
...but my delivery would be a little stiff.
Why do female pallbearers wear black underwear after s**...?
To mourn the passing of the stiff they buried last night.
Why is a dead dwarf like a small e**...?
Because both are a little stiff.
Rick and Morty
Isn't Rick and Morty that thing you get when you go all stiff after you die?
When the computers c**... at work.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
My 85 year old grandmother was complaining that her joints feel really stiff.
She must be rolling them too tight.
Elderly women problems
**Elderly Woman 1:** My joints are getting stiff again.
**Elderly Woman 2:** You're rolling them too tight.
A few nights after his wives f**..., Edward woke up stiff as a rod.
Mourning wood.
Original
Have you heard the joke about the hearse that only carries midgets?
The delivery is always a little stiff.
Entered an e**... tournament the other day
the competition was stiff
I beat off stiff competition
to claim world's best h**...
Internet Explorer, Google Chrome and Safari walk into a bar. Google Chrome asks for a stiff drink. Safari asks for a heavy drink...
Internet Explorer asks for a frozen drink.
I told my wife I wanted her to wear an old- fashioned Halloween costume this year
She filled herself up with whiskey, bitters, and sugar, and topped herself off with an orange slice and cherry.
I ended up going as the "stiff" part of our couples' costume.
What's another way to say s**... in the workplace'?
staff stuff stiff stuff
I got a job at my local s**... club as a bartender.
I make all my drinks stiff.
To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to s**... it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...
Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!
Roses are red, nuts are brown
Skirts go up, pants go down.
Body to body, skin to skin.
When it's stiff, just stick it in.
It goes in dry and comes out wet and the longer it's in, the stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping and It starts to sag.
Nothing to enjoy more on Sundays than a Lipton tea bag :-)
An elderly couple are making their f**... arrangements.
They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"
I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.
It's hard to come up with an original e**... joke. The competition is stiff.
A before Viagara Joke
One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm. Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."
The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $10.
The next day Grandpa comes out to where Junior is playing and gives the boy $20. The boy looked up in confusion and asked, "What's this for?"
Grandpa smiles and says, "That's from Grandma!"
To make it stand, you wet it.
To make it wet, you s**... it.
To make it stiff, you lick it.
To get it in, you push it!
d**...! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.
A p**... drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...
When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.
He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"
The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig! He is a purebred French poodle!"
The man squints his eyes and is silent for a second. Then turns back to the lady and slurs once more:
"I wath tokking...to thuh Frensh poothle."
Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.
He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had s**...?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan h**..., Tarzan poke hole in tree."
She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks her between the legs. "w**... was that?" She shrieks in pain.. "Tarzan always check for squirrels"
A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
I won first place in the Biggest e**... contest
I had some stiff competition.
