The Best 68 Stiff Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Stiff jokes. There are some stiff necrophiliacs jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stiff stiff neck puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Stiff Jokes and Puns
What's a zombies favorite drink
A stiff one
I just won an innuendo competition!
I had to beat off some stiff competition though
Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...
Its a teabag
Grandpa's Rocking Chair
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
Husband and Wife 40th Anniversary
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry
hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?
Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it.
Man, threading a needle is tough!
A boy finds his Grandfather sitting out on the porch completely nude from the waist down.
And he says, "Grandpa, where are your pants?"
The old man replies, "It was your Grandmother's idea. Yesterday I complained about having a stiff neck after sitting out here shirtless, so she suggested I stay out here pantsless before bedtime."
How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin?
A little stiff.
My brother was worried last night that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep because he had a headache.
I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.
Stiff....
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"
You can explore stiff hairspray reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stiff arthritis dad jokes. There are also stiff puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do a wedding and a funeral have in common?
At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.
Why is it tough to make it as a pornstar?
Because the competition is stiff.
The (wo)man of the house
Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!
The midget vampire woke up from his 100-year slumber
His first words were: "Huh... I'm a little stiff".
During a fight, the husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!"
"Oh yeah?" retorts the wife. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
Hey baby, is your name Polio?
Because I am stiff below the waist
Why couldn't the undead midget finish the zombie race?
He was a little stiff
What do you call two funeral homes right next to each other?
Stiff competition.
I've always wanted to be the best dead person ever
But the competition is stiff.
Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI
A spine
A corpse walks into a bar...
And asks the bartender for a lemonade.
"Of course!" says the bartender, "I've never seen a stiff drink!"
Courtesy of the video game Fable 3.
"I Like My Drinks Like I Like My Women"
Cold, Stiff, and been in the cellar for the past few years.
I recently participated in an erection contest. Unfortunately I didn't do so well.
Let's just say there was some stiff competition.
What's a necrophiliacs favorite drink?
Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff.
I like the way you think
Roses are red. nuts are brown.
Skirts go up. pants go down.
Body to body. skin to skin.
When it's stiff. stick it in.
It goes in dry. It comes out wet.
The longer it's in. The stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping. And it starts to sag.
It's not what you think. It's a tea bag.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
When you are both stiff
At what point...
At what point does CPR become necrophilia?
Heh.
Heh.
When you're both stiff.
First post here :D
A group of lingerie models were protesting
They were met with stiff resistance
A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...
The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:
"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."
The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"
To which the man responds:
"Man, that's exactly what I did!"
(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)
Why are Mafia members so good at sex?
Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside...
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.
"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.
The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.
The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.
A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.
"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.
"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."
What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Vomit 😝
Three things funerals and having sex have in common!
1. They both put a stiff in a box.
2. They both require lots of tissues.
3. They can both sometimes make people cry.
I use to own an online shop selling dildo's but I was forced to sell it.....
There was too much stiff competition!
I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.
My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.
Once Viagra's patent expires....
There's gonna be stiff competition
I've been playing my lute for 7 hours and my fingers are sore and stiff
I have minstrel cramps.
My Viagara got caught in my throat and I choked...
And now I've got a stiff neck.
Arthritis is the cruelest disease of all. It makes a lot of your parts stiff
except the one you want.
I'll give up my thesaurus...
when you pry it from my frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities.
What's the similarity between a coffin and a condom?
You put a stiff one in both.
Why is a dead dwarf like a small erection?
Because both are a little stiff.
Netflix's original content has some stiff competition.
I heard they're shooting something at YouTube HQ today.
When the computers crash at work.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
My 85 year old grandmother was complaining that her joints feel really stiff.
She must be rolling them too tight.
Elderly women problems
**Elderly Woman 1:** My joints are getting stiff again.
**Elderly Woman 2:** You're rolling them too tight.
A few nights after his wives funeral, Edward woke up stiff as a rod.
Mourning wood.
Original
Entered an erection tournament the other day
the competition was stiff
Did you hear about the baby who died ...
from drinking a bottle of glue?
He was a little stiff.
To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...
Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!
Roses are red, nuts are brown
Skirts go up, pants go down.
Body to body, skin to skin.
When it's stiff, just stick it in.
It goes in dry and comes out wet and the longer it's in, the stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping and It starts to sag.
Nothing to enjoy more on Sundays than a Lipton tea bag :-)
I woke up with my back stiff as a board
It's morning wood
An elderly couple are making their funeral arrangements.
They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"
I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.
It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.
A before Viagara Joke
One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm. Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."
The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $10.
The next day Grandpa comes out to where Junior is playing and gives the boy $20. The boy looked up in confusion and asked, "What's this for?"
Grandpa smiles and says, "That's from Grandma!"
To make it stand, you wet it.
To make it wet, you suck it.
To make it stiff, you lick it.
To get it in, you push it!
Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.
A pissed drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...
When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.
He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"
The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig! He is a purebred French poodle!"
The man squints his eyes and is silent for a second. Then turns back to the lady and slurs once more:
"I wath tokking...to thuh Frensh poothle."
Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.
He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had sex?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan horny, Tarzan poke hole in tree."
She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks her between the legs. "WTF was that?" She shrieks in pain.. "Tarzan always check for squirrels"
What do you get when you milk a stone cow?
A stiff drink.
A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
Treadmill sellers are stiff competitors.
They give you a run for your money.
I won first place in the Biggest Erection contest
I had some stiff competition.
Some women say talking to men is like talking to a wall, and I completely agree that those men are
bored stiff
Valetine's in 2022
Roses are red, nuts are brown, skirts go up, pants go down.
Body to body, skin to skin, when its stiff, stick it in.
The longer it's in, the stronger it gets, it goes in dry and comes out wet.
It comes out dripping, and starts to sag, it's not what you think......
Its a teabag!
So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"
"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
An elderly couple were arranging their funeral and deciding on what words to put on their headstones
Husband suggests "Here lies Beryl, silent at last"
Wife suggests "Here lies Barry, stiff at last"
What's the difference between a condom and coffin??
You come in one and go in the other, but you've got to be stiff to go in both.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stiff hangover jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working stiff cloudy piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.