Stiff Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...

The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:

"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."

The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"

To which the man responds:

"Man, that's exactly what I did!"


(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)

When does CPR become necrophilia?

When you are both stiff

The (wo)man of the house

Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!

Grandpa's Rocking Chair

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

Stiff....

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"

To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it.

Man, threading a needle is tough!

Husband and Wife 40th Anniversary

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry

A boy and his grandfather are playing outside...

A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.

"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.

The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.

The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.

A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.

"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.

"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."

Starch in your shorts! (Always makes me laugh:3)

Grandpa and Billy were working out in the garden.

Grandpa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.

"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.

Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed Grandpa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.

"Grandpa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."

"No," replied Grandpa, "That dollar's from grandma!"



(Not sure if repost :( )

Netflix's original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they're shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

What's a necrophiliacs favorite drink?

Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff.

What do you call two funeral homes right next to each other?

Stiff competition.

When the computers crash at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.

I like the way you think

Roses are red. nuts are brown.
Skirts go up. pants go down.
Body to body. skin to skin.
When it's stiff. stick it in.
It goes in dry. It comes out wet.
The longer it's in. The stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping. And it starts to sag.
It's not what you think. It's a tea bag.

To make it stand, I have to wet it; to make it wet, I have to suck it; to make it stiff, I have lick it; and to get it in, I have to push it...

... Threading a needle isn't easy

A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes

A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.

When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clothes. When she came back to get her clothes, they were stiff and uncomfortable. She complained to the store manager and asked why that happened to her clothes.

The store manager replied: "Well madam, old habits dye hard"

I recently participated in an erection contest. Unfortunately I didn't do so well.

Let's just say there was some stiff competition.

"Grandpa what are you doing?"

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

Why is it tough to make it as a pornstar?

Because the competition is stiff.

The midget vampire woke up from his 100-year slumber

His first words were: "Huh... I'm a little stiff".

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident...

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.

Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully.

"One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away.

"You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?"

The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

Tombstones

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

When You Die

A couple had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.'

Yeah? she replies. When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'

What do a wedding and a funeral have in common?

At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.

A little boy and a worm

A young boy is walking along, holding an earth worm, when his grandpa sees him and asks what he's doing with the worm. "I'm gonna stick it back in the ground." The grandpa says "there is no way, I'll bet you $5 you can't." "OK" says the boy and he goes and gets a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm while keeping it straight, until it is stiff as a board. He then sticks it in the ground. Dumbfounded, the grandpa hands the boy $5 and goes inside.
A little while later he comes back out and hands the boy another $5. The boy says "but you already gave me money" to which grandpa replies "I know, this is from grandma."

hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?

Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"

I'll give up my thesaurus...

when you pry it from my frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities.

Earthworm

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

I just won an innuendo competition!

I had to beat off some stiff competition though

My brother was worried last night that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep because he had a headache.

I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...

Its a teabag

During a fight, the husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!"

"Oh yeah?" retorts the wife. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

What's the similarity between a coffin and a condom?

You put a stiff one in both.

Ghandi Poppins

I learned some interesting things about Ghandi recently:

He worked a lot in his garden and walked around with bad sandals, making his skin very hard and stiff.

He went on several hunger strikes, making him quite frail.

He was a Hindu spiritual leader, and therefore had many arcane thoughts and teachings.

Also, India didn't have very good oral hygiene materials in Ghandi's day, so he often had very bad breath.

This all makes Ghandi a "super-calloused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis".

Stiffy worm

A grandfather is watching his grandson playing in the yard and asks what is he doing.

The grandson says:

- I'm shoving the worms back into their hole.

- And how can you do it if the worm is all limp and flaccid?

- It's a secret grandfather!

- I'll give you 10 bucks if you teach me how to do it.

- Well, I'll spread some wood glue, stretch the worm, wait until it dries and stays hard and then just put it in the hole.

- Take your 10 bucks.

The next day the grandfather goes to the kid, takes $100 from his pocket and gives to the grandson.

- Grandfather, have you forgotten? You already gave me $10 yesterday.

- I know. Those $100 are from your grandmother.

"Ok children, lets play a guessing game..."

"Ok Jimmy", said Ms. Par, " I have something behind my back that is round, orange and is a piece of fruit, what is it?"
"That's easy" says Jimmy, "Its an orange!"
"Nope, its a tangerine, but it shows you're thinking."
Jimmy holds up his hand and says " Ok Ms. Par, I have one for you." the kid reaches into his front pocket and says, "In my hand is something stiff, with a red tip and is about one inch long. What is it?"
"JIMMY!!!!!" exclaims the teacher
The kid smiles, takes his hand out of his pocket and says
"Nope, its a match.... But it shows your thinking!"

Tom, Walter, and Mike are building a skyscraper...

Suddenly a stiff wind blows through and catches Tom off guard. He falls to his death. Walter and Mike rush down to the street level where a crowd has gathered around Tom's body.

"I suppose one of us should tell his wife", says Mike.

Walter sighed. "Well, I used to give him a ride home. I know where he lived and I'm good a delivering bad news. I'll do it."

So, Walter leaves Mike to help clean Tom off the sidewalk. About an hour later Walter comes back with a case of beer under his arm.

Mike says, "Hey! Where'd you get that?"

"Tom's wife gave it to me!"

"What? Why?"

"Well, when she answered the door, I asked her 'Are you Tom's widow?' She said "No, I'm not!' And I said "Bet you a case of beer you're wrong!'"

How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin?

A little stiff.

I use to own an online shop selling dildo's but I was forced to sell it.....

There was too much stiff competition!

A boy finds his Grandfather sitting out on the porch completely nude from the waist down.

And he says, "Grandpa, where are your pants?"
The old man replies, "It was your Grandmother's idea. Yesterday I complained about having a stiff neck after sitting out here shirtless, so she suggested I stay out here pantsless before bedtime."

Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI

A spine

At what point...

At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

Heh.

Heh.


When you're both stiff.

First post here :D

Why is a dead dwarf like a small erection?

Because both are a little stiff.

Entered an erection tournament the other day

the competition was stiff

Once Viagra's patent expires....

There's gonna be stiff competition

I've been playing my lute for 7 hours and my fingers are sore and stiff

I have minstrel cramps.

Worms in the hole

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

I've always wanted to be the best dead person ever

But the competition is stiff.

Confucius say...

Man who goes to bed with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand

Why are Mafia members so good at sex?

Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.

Why couldn't the undead midget finish the zombie race?

He was a little stiff

Hey baby, is your name Polio?

Because I am stiff below the waist

Elderly women problems

**Elderly Woman 1:** My joints are getting stiff again.

**Elderly Woman 2:** You're rolling them too tight.

What's a zombies favorite drink

A stiff one

My 85 year old grandmother was complaining that her joints feel really stiff.

She must be rolling them too tight.

"I Like My Drinks Like I Like My Women"

Cold, Stiff, and been in the cellar for the past few years.

Three things funerals and having sex have in common!

1. They both put a stiff in a box.
2. They both require lots of tissues.
3. They can both sometimes make people cry.

Did you hear about the baby who died ...

from drinking a bottle of glue?


He was a little stiff.

Arthritis is the cruelest disease of all. It makes a lot of your parts stiff

except the one you want.

My Viagara got caught in my throat and I choked...

And now I've got a stiff neck.

A group of lingerie models were protesting

They were met with stiff resistance

A few nights after his wives funeral, Edward woke up stiff as a rod.

Mourning wood.



Original

Why do female pallbearers wear black underwear after sex?

To mourn the passing of the stiff they buried last night.

Rick and Morty

Isn't Rick and Morty that thing you get when you go all stiff after you die?

What's pink and stiff?

Strawberry milkshake with vodka.

What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?

Vomit 😝

I wanted to be the world's greatest Masterbator

I'm doing my best but there is some stiff competition

What are the funniest stiff jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Stiff? Well, here are the best Stiff puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Stiff pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes