The Best 69 Stiff Jokes

Following is our collection of Stiff jokes which are very funny. There are some stiff necrophiliacs jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stiff cloudy puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

What's a zombies favorite drink

A stiff one

I just won an innuendo competition!

I had to beat off some stiff competition though

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...

Its a teabag

Grandpa's Rocking Chair

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

Husband and Wife 40th Anniversary

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry

hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?

Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"

To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it.

Man, threading a needle is tough!

A boy finds his Grandfather sitting out on the porch completely nude from the waist down.

And he says, "Grandpa, where are your pants?"
The old man replies, "It was your Grandmother's idea. Yesterday I complained about having a stiff neck after sitting out here shirtless, so she suggested I stay out here pantsless before bedtime."

How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin?

A little stiff.

My brother was worried last night that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep because he had a headache.

I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.


A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"

Top Stiff Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore stiff hairspray reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stiff arthritis dad jokes. There are also stiff puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What do a wedding and a funeral have in common?

At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.

Why is it tough to make it as a pornstar?

Because the competition is stiff.

I'm thinking about going to the male pornstar tryouts...

... but I heard there's some stiff competition.

The (wo)man of the house

Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!

The midget vampire woke up from his 100-year slumber

His first words were: "Huh... I'm a little stiff".

During a fight, the husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!"

"Oh yeah?" retorts the wife. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

Hey baby, is your name Polio?

Because I am stiff below the waist

I wanted to be the world's greatest Masterbator

I'm doing my best but there is some stiff competition

Anti-joke time

Q: What is 1 foot long, stiff and makes women scream all night?
A: A dead baby.

What's 12 inches long and stiff in the morning?

Cot death.

Why couldn't the undead midget finish the zombie race?

He was a little stiff

What do you call two funeral homes right next to each other?

Stiff competition.

I've always wanted to be the best dead person ever

But the competition is stiff.

A limerick for The Isle of Skye

When I was on the Isle of Skye
I overdid the old Spanish fly
I had a stiff member
From the fourth of December
Till Friday the tenth of July

Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI

A spine

A corpse walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender for a lemonade.

"Of course!" says the bartender, "I've never seen a stiff drink!"

Courtesy of the video game Fable 3.

"I Like My Drinks Like I Like My Women"

Cold, Stiff, and been in the cellar for the past few years.

I recently participated in an erection contest. Unfortunately I didn't do so well.

Let's just say there was some stiff competition.

What's a necrophiliacs favorite drink?

Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff.

I found out I'm a necrophiliac.

How, you ask? I walked into an autopsy. It was stiff.

I like the way you think

Roses are red. nuts are brown.
Skirts go up. pants go down.
Body to body. skin to skin.
When it's stiff. stick it in.
It goes in dry. It comes out wet.
The longer it's in. The stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping. And it starts to sag.
It's not what you think. It's a tea bag.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

When you are both stiff

At what point...

At what point does CPR become necrophilia?



When you're both stiff.

First post here :D

A group of lingerie models were protesting

They were met with stiff resistance

A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...

The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:

"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."

The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"

To which the man responds:

"Man, that's exactly what I did!"

(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)

Why are Mafia members so good at sex?

Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.

What's pink and stiff?

Strawberry milkshake with vodka.

A boy and his grandfather are playing outside...

A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.

"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.

The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.

The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.

A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.

"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.

"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."

What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?

Vomit 😝

So, a corpse walks into a bar...

"Can I have a lemonade?" He asks the bartender.

The bartender says "Sure, I've never seen a stiff drink."

Three things funerals and having sex have in common!

1. They both put a stiff in a box.
2. They both require lots of tissues.
3. They can both sometimes make people cry.

I use to own an online shop selling dildo's but I was forced to sell it.....

There was too much stiff competition!

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

Once Viagra's patent expires....

There's gonna be stiff competition

I've been playing my lute for 7 hours and my fingers are sore and stiff

I have minstrel cramps.

My Viagara got caught in my throat and I choked...

And now I've got a stiff neck.

Arthritis is the cruelest disease of all. It makes a lot of your parts stiff

except the one you want.

I'll give up my thesaurus...

when you pry it from my frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities.

What's the similarity between a coffin and a condom?

You put a stiff one in both.

Why do female pallbearers wear black underwear after sex?

To mourn the passing of the stiff they buried last night.

Why is a dead dwarf like a small erection?

Because both are a little stiff.

Netflix's original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they're shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

Rick and Morty

Isn't Rick and Morty that thing you get when you go all stiff after you die?

When the computers crash at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.

My 85 year old grandmother was complaining that her joints feel really stiff.

She must be rolling them too tight.

Elderly women problems

**Elderly Woman 1:** My joints are getting stiff again.

**Elderly Woman 2:** You're rolling them too tight.

A few nights after his wives funeral, Edward woke up stiff as a rod.

Mourning wood.


Entered an erection tournament the other day

the competition was stiff

I beat off stiff competition

to claim world's best handjob

I told my wife I wanted her to wear an old- fashioned Halloween costume this year

She filled herself up with whiskey, bitters, and sugar, and topped herself off with an orange slice and cherry.

I ended up going as the "stiff" part of our couples' costume.

Did you hear about the baby who died ...

from drinking a bottle of glue?

He was a little stiff.

What's another way to say 'sex in the workplace'?

staff stuff stiff stuff

I got a job at my local strip club as a bartender.

I make all my drinks stiff.

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

Roses are red, nuts are brown

Skirts go up, pants go down.

Body to body, skin to skin.

When it's stiff, just stick it in.

It goes in dry and comes out wet and the longer it's in, the stronger it gets.

It comes out dripping and It starts to sag.

Nothing to enjoy more on Sundays than a Lipton tea bag :-)

I woke up with my back stiff as a board

It's morning wood

An elderly couple are making their funeral arrangements.

They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stiff numb jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working stiff hangover piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes