Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
But I couldn't find a manual.
She's still not talking to me :(
Maybe I won't stick with this one either.
How low can you get?
I accidentally gave her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".
I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
Instructions say, Remove cap and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.
Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options
A fish stick!
My 4 year olds first joke.
They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .
molasses."
I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.
Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that's been thrown over a mile away? Or would you say that idea is…
far fetched?
Because I want to take off your top and stick my junk in you.
Because they stick.
I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
Usually, most of the good ones are taken....
So once in a while, you gotta stick it in a disabled one
All the good ones are gone, so every now and then when no one is looking, you stick it in a disabled one.
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it´s my old aunt here."
"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
velcrows
I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'
But it takes some guts to stick.
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
My wife ran off with my best friend...
Now, when I throw the stick, it just lays there.
I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory.
Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
Einstein is counting down while Newton and Pascal are trying to hide. Pascal jumps into the bushes and Newton walks a few steps, picks up a stick, draws a square on the ground and just stands there. Einstein turns around and instantly spots Newton.
- Found you Newton, you lose!
- Now wait a minute good sir, can't you see what I drew below me? I am a Newton on a square meter so technically you found Pascal.
They are completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light them on fire.
The instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'
I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells wonderful
one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.
Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."
Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
"JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
Vel-Crows
Dirty Dave the flasher was thinking about retiring. But he decided to stick it out for another year.
My sex life is like finding a parking spot in town.
All the good ones are taken, so sometimes when no one is looking I have to stick it into disabled one.
Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.
Normally, the good ones are taken so occasionally, when nobody is looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
If you hit them with a stick, they will make noise.
So he decided to stick it out for a little longer.
AcCOUNTing
This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.
ok
It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.
Seems pretty far fetched to me.
I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.
Velcrows
That just seems a little far fetched to me.
A cop pulls him over and asks for his information.
"Sir, you just drove through that intersection without stopping."
"Aww come on, it's not a big deal..I slowed down!"
The officer steps back, looking down at his feet, all of a sudden he pulls out his night stick and starts beating the man.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" The man screams.
"Would you like me to slow down, or stop?"
Bam! *Boo*!
Autistic
but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."
I was in the park the other day and saw a guy practising his athletic trials, with a long metal stick for the Olympics. I asked if he was a pole vaulter, and he replied "Nein, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"
You add a dab of glue.
but he walked away like he didn't even see me.
The whole is really deep. It's huge and dark and seems bottomless, so the man decides to see how deep.
He throws in a pebble and listens, but it doesn't make a sound.
He throws in a big stick; still no sound
He throws in a huge tree stump he prised up out of the ground; nothing
Suddenly, a dog comes running by and jumps straight into the hole at alarming speed.
The man stares into the hole, dumbfounded, when another man walks by and asks "have you seen my dog?"
"Yeah" he replies, "he just jumped in this hole"
"That's funny" the other man replies, "I had him tied to a tree stump"
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, and they'll always come back.
A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.
The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."
The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"
The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"
Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."
An elderly woman who lives in a nursing home approaches an elderly man and tells him, "I bet I can guess your age." He tells her to go for it.
She says, "okay, but I need to stick my hand down your pants and feel it." Unsure about her method, he's intrigued and allows her to do so.
She reaches into his pants and fondles him for a few moments. She then tells him, "you're 87!"
Amazed, he says, "That's incredible! How did you do know?"
She replies, "you told me yesterday."
He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."
In the winter war in 1945 is getting in line for a rifle. The man behind the counter says "sorry, the guy in front of you got the last one. Here, take this hockey stick, and if you see a Russian, point it at him and yell BANG!" The Finn finds this ridiculous but takes it, thinking he'll just fix a bayonet on the thing and fight like that.
As he gets to the bayonet counter, the guy in front of him gets the last one. Instead, he is given a piece of wood about six inches long with the instructions to yell STAB! every time someone is within arms length.
Feeling horribly unprepared, he heads out to battle with his platoon. Shortly, they become separated by snow and wind, and he is left alone with no weapon. A Russian comes over a snowdrift. Desperately, the man throws up his hockey stick and yells BANG! The Russian drops.
So he fights all through the day, yelling BANG and STAB at his will and dropping the enemy like flies. Late in the day, a huge Russian soldier comes plodding toward the man slowly. Feeling confident, the man fires his hockey stick to no effect. He tries a couple more times. Nothing.
Desperately, he throws his small piece of wood at the man, but it just bounces off. Suddenly, the earth around him explodes and he goes flying. Just as he is about to die, the Russian plods on by him saying under his breath "tank, tank, tank, BOOM!"
He was looking for Pooh.
-
*My little brother told me this one; hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*
Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
A stick
A 95 year old man meets a 90 year old lady in a nursing home. They start talking and eventually become close friends. They realize that sex for them probably isn't going to be possible so he asks her if she'll at least stick her hand in his pants and hold it.
So for a few months she'll stick her hand in his pants and hold it for him. They're both happy.
Then one day, she can't find him and she gets a little worried thinking maybe something happened to the old guy. She wanders outside and sees him on a park bench with another woman, and that woman has her hand in his pants! She approaches them and angrily tells him she thought they had something special and asks what the other woman has that she doesn't.
He answers, Parkinson's.
As he walks in, all the patrons of the bar gasp.
The man then says, "Relax. He is very trained. Here; watch!"
He plops his 5 foot long pet alligator on the bar counter and says, "Open!"
The alligator's mouth opens wide, then the man unzips his pants and proceeds to stick his d*ck in it.
He holds this position for 5 minutes until he zips back up and tells the alligator, "Close." And it does.
The man then asks if there is anyone else in the bar who wants to try.
An old man from a corner of the bar shouts, "Boy, I'll sure try but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long!"
Guy says, "Woah! This thing looks deep; how deep down do you think it goes?" The two men search around for a long stick or branch to assess the depth, but find nothing of use. They continue their search and they stumble across an old, rusty anvil; and naturally, they haul the anvil over and toss it into the hole. They wait and wait, but they don't hear anything happen. Suddenly, a donkey comes running full speed ahead and just leaps into the sinkhole. The two men are shocked, "Did you see that donkey!? I've never seen an animal sprint like that!" Minutes later, a farmer comes sprinting into the scene and says, "Guys! Have you seen my donkey? He was just on the farm and completely took off!" One of the men answers back, "He was just here! He came sprinting through the woods and took a leap into this sink hole!" The farmer answers back, "No, that's absolutely impossible. He was tied to an anvil."
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
The terrorists explain that they will be generous and allow the prisoners to choose their own method of execution.
The Frenchman is up first. He says "I am French and wish to stick with my heritage! I choose the guillotine!" They set up a guillotine and SLAM goes the blade. His head falls in to the basket and they carry off his body.
The American is up next. He says " I want to stick to my American traditions, I choose the electric chair." They rig up an electric chair and SLAM goes the switch. The chair shorted and caused a blackout in the facility, sparing the American.
"You are lucky, American. You have been spared by our God and may go free." So they let the American walk.
The blonde is up last. "Well," says the blonde, "The electric chair didn't work, so I guess I'll take the guillotine."
They both have three pedals, and most people only know what two of them do.
Then I wait at a green light to make me feel good about myself.
An old lady went in for her dental appointment and was real nervous so the dentist tries to calm her down with an interesting fact.
Dentist:"Did you know the way they used to make latex gloves is they had the factory workers stick their hands in Vats of Latex?"
The old lady nods in amusement and minutes later starts giggling.
Dentist: "What is so funny?"
Old Lady:" I was just thinking about how they used to make condoms."
(Unoriginal Joke heard on the streets).
"Jethro, I need you to fix the outhouse."
"What fer ma?"
"Jis go 'n hava look."
So Jethro walks out to the outhouse, opens the door, and looks, "I don't see nothin wrong here ma," he says.
"Look closer," says Ma. Jethro moves into the outhouse.
"Still don't see nuthin," he says.
"Stick yer head in the hole."
"But, Ma."
"Jis do it." Of course Jethro knows better than to disobey his ma, so he sticks his head into the hole.
Then he hollers, "Oww, Ma, my beard's stuck."
"Aggravating isn't it?"
A stick.
Dragon drop
A stick.
A couple and their 9 kids are waiting for a bus along with a blind man. As the bus arrived they found it nearly full so only the woman and kids were able to get on. As the bus drove off the husband and blind man started walking. After a while the husband, irritated by the constant sound of the cane, asked the blind man could he put a rubber tip on the end of his stick. The blind man smiled, replying, "Well, if you had put a rubber tip on the end of your stick we'd both be on the bus right now."
Lt Rommel has an idea: "Hey, a lot of Italians are named Luigi. I say we try calling out 'hey, Luigi', and when they stick their head out to answer, we shoot them." It was decided that it was worth a try so early the next morning the Germans launch their new "offensive".
A German soldier called out, "Hey, Luigi!".
An Italian soldier stuck his head out and replied, "Ya?"
BANG!
This went on for a while.
"Hey, Luigi!"
"Ya?"
BANG!
It wasn't too long until the Italians figured out what was going on. One of their officers came up with an idea. He said that a lot of Germans were named Hans, and all they had to do was call out "Hey, Hans!" and they'd be shooting Germans, too. It seemed like a good plan so first thing next morning they tried it out.
"Hey, Hans!"
"That you, Luigi?"
"Ya!"
BANG!
Because he hated Stalin
A stick.
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.
Sometimes all the good ones are taken, so you have to stick it in a disabled one.
Stick with me and we'll go places.
They both let me stick it in only one place.
My girlfriend's pregnant and she thinks I'm going to stick around.
I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.
By a blonde police officer.
"Sorry but you're speeding so I'll need license and registration"
The blonde in the car starts looking through her purse. "I can't find my license, what does it look like?"
"It's a small little rectangle with your face on it" the officer replies.
The blonde find a mirror and looks at it. "Found it! A little rectangle with my face!" And hands it to the officer.
Stunned the blonde officer stares at the mirror in her hand. "Why didn't you just tell me you're also an officer? Don't worry about the ticket, officers stick together."
And in the yard behind the fence, I heard people shouting "four, four, four...". I was curious so I peeked through the wood planks to see what was happening. Someone jabbed a stick in my eye and then everyone started shouting "five, five, five...".
I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.
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