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Stewardess Jokes

54 stewardess jokes and hilarious stewardess puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stewardess that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Do you love to laugh? Get ready to be entertained by some of the funniest stewardess jokes from Southwest Airlines stewardesses. From airplane turbulence humor to onboard antics, these stewardesses have seen it all!

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Funniest Stewardess Short Jokes

Short stewardess jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stewardess humour may include short flight attendant jokes also.

  1. A woman has a heart attack in a plane. The stewardess asks "Is there a doctor on board?".
    A person comes forward and announces "I'm a vegan."
  2. I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair
  3. A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."
  4. A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture. The stewardess asked "What the heck is that?"
    He said "It's my carri-on luggage"
    *sorry sorry sorry*
  5. What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? DAM! (airplane stewardess told me and had me on ground laughing)
  6. stewardess on my flight wasn't holding back. telling everyone exactly what she thought. walking down the aisle, looking right at everyone, saying trash trash trash
  7. I'm gonna name my first born son "Phones" So when the stewardess asks if he "would like some headphones" he can answer "Absolutely!"
  8. A pilot and his co-pilot go on a blind date with the same stewardess. Let's just say more than one cockpit was being occupied that night.
  9. This one got my coworkers The stewardess on my flight asked me what snack I would like.
    I told her "The plain chips would be fine.
    She says "They are all plane chips, sir."
  10. A buzzad walks on to a plane A buzzard walks on to a plane with a kill in each claw. The stewardess stops him.
    "One carrion per person."

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Stewardess One Liners

Which stewardess one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stewardess? I can suggest the ones about pilot flight attendant and air hostess.

  1. I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess That's how i lost my job as a pilot.
  2. What did the air stewardess say after she made Abcde cry? I JK
  3. What do you call a pair of identical twins who are stewardesses? Hostess Twinkies
  4. What do you call a s**... stewardess? The cockpit.
Stewardess joke, What do you call a s**... stewardess?

Humorous Stewardess Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life

What funny jokes about stewardess you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean female pilot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stewardess pranks.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

A mother and her son are sitting on an airplane, which is ready to take off.
The son admires the parked plains’ through the window.
At one point, he turns to his mother, which was reading a magazine, and pops the question: "Since big dogs have little dogs, and big cats have little cats, how come, big airplanes have little plains?"
The child’s mother, bored to think of a reasonable answer, consultant him to ask the flight attendant.
Therefore, it happened: "Since big dogs have little dogs, and big cats have little cats, how come, big airplanes have little plains?" little boy asks the flight attendant.
Then, with a smile on her face, stewardess replied: "Did your mom told you to ask me?"
The boy shook his head positively.
So, she says back: "Tell your mother, that our company knows better and.. pulls out in time!"

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

This is Captain Sinclair speaking.
On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message.
Have a good flight!

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.
The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness.
They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once.
At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A very nervous woman on her first Aeroplane flight, asked the stewardess, how often do planes c**...?

Stewardess replies.
Only once..

So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.

They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."

We've all had this on a plane...

I called over the air stewardess and said, "Sorry to trouble you, but I'm trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back."
"I'm not surprised," she replied, "That's his seat and you're squashing him."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

You know, I was on this plane once.

And I'm sitting there and uh...the captain gets on, he does his whole, you know, we'll be cruisin' at 35,000 feet.
But then he puts the mic down and forgets to turn it off.
And so he turns to the co-pilot and he's like, "you know, all I could use right now is a f**...' b**... and a cup of coffee."
So the stewardess f**...' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him that the microphone's still on.
And this guy in the back of the plane is like, "Hey, hon, don't forget the coffee!

A Frenchman, an American and an Indian are on a plane.


The Frenchman says to the stewardess "I can tell what city we are flying over just by sticking my hand out the window!" Of course she doesn't believe him so he say here, watch, and he sticks his hand out the window and proudly tells everyone "We are flying over Paris" Amused the stewardess asks "how could you know that?", well says the Frenchman "I just touched the Eiffel tower"
Not wanting to be shown up, the American boasts that he too can tell where they are, he sticks his hand out the window as says "see here, I knew it, we're actually flying over New York City, I can tell because I just touched the Empire State Building"
By this point the Indian decides that he would like to play along, he looks at the other two and says "let me see if I can tell where we really are" he sticks his hand out the window and pulls it back in. Then he informs everyone "it turns out we are actually flying over New Deli"... the stewardess leans in and asks "How do you know we're flying over New Deli just by sticking your arm out the window" the Indian man replies "My watch is gone"

A man was on a plane...

A man was on a plane when a stewardess approached him and said "Would you like some headphones?" To which the man replied "Yes I would, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
*

A blonde goes to Paris

A blonde was going on vacation to Paris and was going to fly there. She had ordered a seat in coach, but when the plane took off she went up and sat in first class.
The flight attendant went up to her and told her - very politely - that she had to move back down to coach. The blonde looked at her and said: "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" The stewardess quickly went away.
Then another flight attendant came up and said that she had to move back down to coach. And again the blonde said "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!"
Now the two were in peril and were talking about what to do, when the pilot came back from his bathroom break. They told him what had happened, then nodded and said that he would take care of it. He then went into first class, walked up to the blonde's seat and said something to her. A second later the blonde got up, apologized and went down to coach again.
The flight attendants immediately asked him, what he had said to make her go back to coach. The pilot smiled and said: "I just told first class didn't go to Paris."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

May I have a piece of gum?

Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have s**.... Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have s**... right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

It was my first time riding a plane...

I was so nervous, and it was showing I was very uncomfortable...
A good-looking stewardess, approached me and asked if I was feeling okay, and If I needed anything. I said no, I was fine, it was my first time riding a plane and was just nervous. She smiled and said, "Ah perhaps you should listen to some music", then she walked away.
So I took out my phone, and played A7x in full blast, which disturbed everyone around me, as I did not have any earphones. Again the flight attendant approached me and asked,
"Would you like some headphones?"
I looked up to her at amazement and shock and said,
"yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
(end)
ba-dum-tiss
I'll see myself out

Flight Attendant on the Airplane

The other day I was on a red eye flight from Logan Airport in Boston to SeaTac in Seattle. The pilot got on the intercom and did his courtesy remarks: "welcome aboard, our flight will be 5 and a 1/2 hours... please relax and enjoy the rest of your flight."
After making the announcement he proceeds to talk to the co-pilot without turning off the intercom: "man, I sure could use a cup of coffee and a good lay right now."
The stewardess comes running up from the back of the plane to tell the pilot that the intercom is still on when the guy sitting behind me yells: "hey hun! Don't forget the coffee!"

One last time

On a flight from London to New York, a lightening strike takes out an engine.
The pilot calmly announces "Ladies and gentleman, due to storm conditions we have lost an engine. Please dont worry, the remaining engine is fine and we will be landing at JFK in about 90 minutes."
20 minutes later another bolt of listening takes out the remaining engine and the powerless aircraft is losing altitude.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, we have lost our remaining engine, it doesn't look good, we are losing altitude and will fall into the Atlantic in approximately 10 minutes. May God have mercy on us all."
Upon hearing this, the chief stewardess bursts into the cockpit "Captain is it true?!" She says.
"Afraid so Cindy." He says.
She looks at him and tears off her blouse "Captain, before we die, make me feel like a woman one last time."
The pilot rips off his shirt, gives it to the stewardess and says to her "Here you go, iron this."

All-Female Crew

As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.
"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."
"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."
"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are all women in command."
"I must see this for myself," said the passenger. "Please take me to the cockpit."
"We don't call it that any more, sir," replied the stewardess.

A blonde gets on a flight to Milwaukee.

She doesn't have a first class ticket, but sits in first class anyway. The stewardess notices this and calmly asks her to go to the seat on her ticket. The blonde starts yelling and screaming about how she doesn't have to do what the stewardess says, and she can sit where she wants. After a few minutes of this, another passenger walks up to the blonde and whispers something in her ear. She gets this panicked look on her face, and rushes out of first class to her seat. The stewardess looks at the passenger and says, "Thanks, what did you say to her?" The passenger replies, "I told her first class wasn't landing in Milwaukee."

Stewardess

Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.

A man on an airplane was having a heart attack

The stewardess asked if anyone on board was a doctor. A man replies, "I'm a vegan!"

A jew , a christian, and a muslim board a plane

The stewardess says : ahh, you guys again?

BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The flight crew all showed up on time, all except for one brand-new stewardess. They called the hotel and she answered the phone, sobbing. I can't get out of my room, she cried. What... Why not? There are only three doors in this room. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other way has a sign hanging on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'.

The last thing you want on a flight is to be woken by a panicking stewardess.

Particularly if, like me, you're the pilot.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A k**... passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.

"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."

On the plane

A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:
-What's your name?
-Angela Benz, sir.
-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?
-Yes, sir. A very close one.
-How close?
-Same price.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.
"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.
The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."
" That's s**...," says the first, "do like I do. Climb up a stewardesses leg, stay in here croch and you'll be here in no time, nice an cosy."
Next year, they meet again. The second one is shivering again, saying :
" I did what you said... I climbed up a stewardesses leg and lay down at her croch. It was so warm and cosy, I fell asleep. Once I woke up, I was in a motorcyclists moustache again..."

I was on a flight when I was younger and a beautiful stewardess asked me if I would like and of their T.W.A coffee...

I replied: No, but I would love some of your T.W.A tea.

My husband and I are flying out for a trip tomorrow. I asked him if he wanted to join the mile high club.

He said, I don't know if the stewardess would be down for that.

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

A stewardess approached me and asked: "Do you want some headphones?"

Me: How did you know my name was Phones?

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A plane is falling and will eventually c**...

A hot blonde stewardess is running to a handsome Italian guy.
The stewardess takes off her clothes and says If this is going to be my last day on earth, treat me like a women!
The Italian guy takes off his shirt and says Iron this

A priest is on a plane

A stewardess aproaches him and asks:
Stewardess: "Hello father, would you like anything to drink? We have whiskey, cognac and beer."
Priest: "That sounds nice. Actually, what is our altitude at the moment?"
Stewardess: "Our current altitude is about 35,000 feet"
Priest: "Well then i will just take a bottle of water, the boss might see me otherwise"

A vulture walked into an airplane,

dragging some mangled roadkill in its beak. The stewardess looks down in distaste, and asks Wouldn't you prefer to put that in the checked luggage compartment?
And the vulture said No thanks. It's carrion.

Stewardess joke, A vulture walked into an airplane,

jokes about stewardess