A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
A man was on a plane when a stewardess approached him and said "Would you like some headphones?" To which the man replied "Yes I would, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
*
"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."
Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.
An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.
The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.
The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores!" he shouts back.
The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".
I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'
Stewardess: Is **anybody** here a doctor?!
Man: (Raising Hand) I'm a vegan.
Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.
The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee".
The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.
A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".
The stewardess asks "Is there a doctor on board?".
A person comes forward and announces "I'm a vegan."
A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:
-What's your name?
-Angela Benz, sir.
-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?
-Yes, sir. A very close one.
-How close?
-Same price.
As he sat in his seat, he could contain his excitement no longer and began saying "Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!" over and over again.
Irritated, a stewardess comes over to him and says "Be silent!"
The man nods, and continues "Oeing, Oeing, Oeing..."
That's how i lost my job as a pilot.
Rick says. "Have you seen Svetlana, she's absolutely stunning".
Dick says "Seen her? I already did her after a flight last week!"
Rick says "Wow man was she good?". Dick says "Well she's not as good as other stewardesses but still better than my wife".
So Rick goes "well I gotta try this out.."
So after the flight he gets a drink with Svetlana, and one thing leads to another.
The next flight Dick asks "so how was she?"
Rick says "you're right, we do have hotter stewardesses, but she was definitely still better than your wife".
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A man sitting in first class sneezes, ejaculates in his pants, pulls out his penis, cleans it off and puts it back in his pants. The woman sitting next to him is horrified but pretends not to notice.
A few minutes later, the man goes through the whole process again. The aghast woman starts yelling at the man. The stewardess calms the woman down while the man goes through the whole process again.
Finally the man speaks: "I have a rare medical affliction that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," the woman says. "Are you taking anything for it"?
The man replies "Yes... pepper."
They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."
Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."
She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"
He says, "Absolutely. But by the way, it's pronounced 'Fonz.'"
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
The Stewardess said, "No way".
The man protested, "I have cancer, and this will be my last flight and I'd really like to join the mile high club before I die."
The Stewardess replied, "I don't give a flying fuck."
and the Captain was doing his usual spiel, "We're cruising at so and so feet, over the Pacific Ocean, yada yada".
When he was finished, he turned to speak to his co-pilot, forgetting that he was still broadcasting to the entire plane, saying, "You know what I could use right now? A cup of coffee and a good blowjob."
Mortified, a stewardess ran toward the cockpit to inform him that the intercom was still on.
Seeing her hurrying down the aisle, a passenger shouted, "Don't forget the coffee!"
Saw this in the movie Good Will Hunting, tried to remember how it went best I could :)
The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."
.....and the captain is talking to us on the loudspeaker about the weather and all of that stuff. He then proceeds to say, "You know what I could use? A blowjob and some coffee." without realizing the intercom is still turned on. The stewardess begins walking towards the cockpit to inform him that he left the intercom on, and I hear someone say, "Don't forget the coffee!"
A Frenchman, an American and an Indian are on a plane.
The Frenchman says to the stewardess "I can tell what city we are flying over just by sticking my hand out the window!" Of course she doesn't believe him so he say here, watch, and he sticks his hand out the window and proudly tells everyone "We are flying over Paris" Amused the stewardess asks "how could you know that?", well says the Frenchman "I just touched the Eiffel tower"
Not wanting to be shown up, the American boasts that he too can tell where they are, he sticks his hand out the window as says "see here, I knew it, we're actually flying over New York City, I can tell because I just touched the Empire State Building"
By this point the Indian decides that he would like to play along, he looks at the other two and says "let me see if I can tell where we really are" he sticks his hand out the window and pulls it back in. Then he informs everyone "it turns out we are actually flying over New Deli"... the stewardess leans in and asks "How do you know we're flying over New Deli just by sticking your arm out the window" the Indian man replies "My watch is gone"
I said, "sure, and how did you know my name was Phones?"
And the captain just finished his whole we'll be cruising at 30,000 feet and he puts down the mic but forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to his copilot and says "you know what I could use right now is a blowjob and a cup of coffee". Then the stewardess comes bolting up the aisle to tell him his mic is still on and the guy across from me calls after her, "don't forget the coffee!"
Credit to Good Will Hunting
"Sorry, only one carrion per passenger."
A lady boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class. When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles." The stewardess could not get her to budge, and called another stewardess over. "Miss, this isn't your seat. We need you to stand up and go to the economic class seat that you paid for" the second stewardess said. Once again, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles." And once again, she did not move. A steward, overhearing all of this, comes up to the young blonde and whispers something in her ear. The blonde immediately got up and proceeded to her assigned seat.
The stewardesses asked him, "what the hell did you tell her?"
The steward replied, "I just told her that business class doesn't fly to Los Angeles."
The plane was going through some heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the pilot got on the speaker and said the plane is going down. The stewardess broke the bad news: only 3 parachutes for the passengers. The lawyer said to the priest and teacher, "Perfect! One for each of us. Lets GO!"
Then the teacher screamed "What about the CHILDREN!?!"
The lawyer responded "Fuck the children!"
The priest coyly glances around "But... is there time?"
...and after coming to a halt, the Pilot does his customary speech, but forgets to switch the intercom off.
The Co-pilot asks the Pilot what he has got planned for the rest of the evening, and the Pilot replies, "First up I am going for a shite and then I am gonnae ride the arse off that new wee stewardess" , unaware every passenger has just heard him.
The wee stewardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door. A wee Glasgow women helps her up and says, "Take yer time love, he`s going fur a shite first"
A blonde was going on vacation to Paris and was going to fly there. She had ordered a seat in coach, but when the plane took off she went up and sat in first class.
The flight attendant went up to her and told her - very politely - that she had to move back down to coach. The blonde looked at her and said: "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" The stewardess quickly went away.
Then another flight attendant came up and said that she had to move back down to coach. And again the blonde said "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!"
Now the two were in peril and were talking about what to do, when the pilot came back from his bathroom break. They told him what had happened, then nodded and said that he would take care of it. He then went into first class, walked up to the blonde's seat and said something to her. A second later the blonde got up, apologized and went down to coach again.
The flight attendants immediately asked him, what he had said to make her go back to coach. The pilot smiled and said: "I just told first class didn't go to Paris."
in Baltimore with a box of frozen soft shell crabs and asked a stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator..
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Sarasota Florida, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.
I was taking a plane inside of the US, after the Pilot finshed talking in the microphone regarding security he forgot to turn it off. He had no idea the microphone was on and said to his COpilot
"I could really use a blowjob and some coffee right now".
A stewardess rushed through the plane to tell him that he forgot to turn of the microphone. While she's running one of the passengers yells
"Don't forget the coffee!"
From the move "Good will hunting"
So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know what I'd really want now? A cup of coffee and a nice blowjob." So now, a stewardess is panicking and makes a run for the cockpit to make him turn it off. As she's running, one of the passengers say "Don't forget the coffee!"
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "and get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "for someone who can't fly you're a ballsy bastard!"
The stewardess says, Would you like dinner?
He says, What are my choices?
She says, Yes or no.
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