The Best 71 Steven Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Steven jokes. There are some steven alan jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these steven steven write puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Steven Jokes and Puns

Who knows where Jesus is?

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Aerosmith

According to fellow band members, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler handles a pen very femininely. Rumour has it he doodles like a lady.

Please read in Steven Wright's voice...

I was driving my friend around and he told me he was hungry. Asked if I'd take him to the drive-thru. I said yes. I pull up to the place and we wait in line for about five minutes. Finally it's our turn. The lady asks how she can help us today and I tell her I need two cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a small Pepsi. She apologizes and says she can't help me.

"Why not?"

"You're at a bank."

Steven joke, Please read in Steven Wright's voice...

Seagull joke

Q: What do you call a seagull that knows martial arts?

A: Steven Seagull

A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .

-Steven Alan Green


Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.

He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I'd like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

Steven joke, Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken

Steven Spielberg has a new idea for a movie

He says he wants to make an action movie about classical music composers.

Sylvester Stallone says "I wana be Motzart!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger says "In zat case...I'll be Bach"

What did Steven hawking say when he first got his wheelchair?

I can't stand being in this

Steven Gerrard is releasing a biography on his time at Liverpool

As of yet, the book has no title.

I got a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer.

Credit to Steven Wright.

You can explore steven chris reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean steven laurie dad jokes. There are also steven puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Today I was wondering "why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?"...

... And then it hit me.

- Steven Wright

THE GOVINATOR

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

Made this up. Feels like a Steven Wright joke...

My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.

I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"

She replied, "Yes."

I said, "I just did."

Steven Gerrard has had the worst ending for a Captain

Since the Titanic!

Steven joke, Steven Gerrard has had the worst ending for a Captain

My name is Steven

But the bank calls me Owen. Owen Lotts.

Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are in a bar

After a few drinks Steven says he's thinking about making an action movie about classical composers

Sylvester says "I wanna be Mozart!"

Arnold says "in that case...I'll be Bach"

It's a small world...

... but I wouldn't want to paint it.

(All credit to Steven Wright)


What if Steven Hawking...

What if Steven Hawking is the real Slim shady, but we don't know because he cant stand up.

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

Yo mama..

is so old that Steven Spielberg used her as a dinosaur consultant in Jurassic Park

I heard Steven Spielberg is directing a film about a fat alien...

It's called "Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol".

Steven Moffat and George RR Martin walk into a bar

Everyone dies.

The Wright Way

"I think it is wrong that one company makes Monopoly."
-Steven Wright

Anyone know the title of Steven Tyler's new cook book?

Wok this way.

What is black and sits atop the staircase?

Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Steven Seagal calls to Putin

- Vladymir . I love your country. Somebody just wire by mistake 73 $ on my account in Sbierbank.
- This is not a mistake Steven. This is your annual salary here.

Steven Hawking walks into a bar...

Just kidding.

Steven hawking is setting a bad example for kids these days...

Being on his computer all day

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights

I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Credit to Steven Wright.

Name a girl who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Steven Hawking's wife

Daddy, I love you sooooooo much!

"Hey, until we get that DNA test, I am Steven to you"

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says

"JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"

What's the most dangerous thing about Steven Seagal?

his Cholesterol level

My co-worker always tells me: "I see dead people"

And I always tell him: "Shut up, Steven, we're morticians."

George R.R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar.

Everyone you've ever loved dies.

Why does Steven Hawking only speak in one-liners?

He can't do stand-up.

I brought one of those records that helps you learn spanish while you sleep,

during the night the needle skipped and the next day i could only stutter in spanish.
-Steven Wright (i think)

I went to the doctor for a rash...

Doctor: What toiletries are you using?

Me: Steven's soap, Steven's shampoo, Steven's toothpaste and Steven's toothbrush.

Doctor: Huh, so is Steven's a foreign brand?

Me: No, Steven is my roommate.

Why can't Steven hawking drive

Because he has no motor function

A man wakes up in the hospital after electrocuting himself...

Doctor: What is your name?

Man: Steven

Doctor: Good. Who is the current US President?

Man: Obama

Doctor: Oh no that is incorrect it is President Trump

Man: Dammit it didn't work

Steven Spielberg's Next Movie

Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.

Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."

Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have experience playing the part."

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him, and states, "I'll be Bach."ο»Ώ

Steven Spielberg wants to make a movie about famous composers, so he puts out a casting call.

Gary Oldman walks in first and says, "I played Beethoven in *Immortal Beloved*, so I already have experience playing the part."

Tom Hulce calls in next, "I was Mozart in *Amadeus*, and would love to play him again.

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him and says, "I'll be Bach."

Steven Tyler opens home for girls about to be abused.

Calling it early.

My grandmother gave me 5$ and said Now don't tell your mother

I told her Its gonna cost you a lot more then that to keep me quiet

- Steven Wright

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

Why is being Steven Hawking so great?

Because he never gets nervous...

I don't understand all the fuss about getting rid of guns in America. Just do what Steven Speilberg did.

Replace all the guns with walkie-talkies. Not that hard!

Steven Hawkings last words were

probably 30 years ago.

what was Steven Hawkins favourite snack?

his right shoulder

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale sucking on his big fat belly

"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"

"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"

It's a shame that Steven Hawking died

He's been on a roll since age 21.

How many dyslexic people does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

How many dyslexic people does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Steven

(BTW I am dyslexic so I think it is ok to make fun of myself)

Why was there a gardener on duty at Steven Hawking's burial?

They needed help planting the vegetable.

I bought a three-way ticket to the capital of South Africa.

(Original joke, inspired by Steven Wright)

When I was growing up, we didn't have a sandbox, we had a quicksand box.

I was an only child....eventually.

(From my favorite comedian: Steven Wright)

Words of mouth

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Steven

Steven Spielberg just announced he's not doing anymore shark movies.

This is a real Jaw dropper

Everyone thinks it's crazy that Jesus walked on water...

But no one ever mentions that Steven Hawking ran on batteries.

What kind of bird would make a great action movie star?

Steven Sea-gull

I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord.

I kept almost dying. -Steven Wright

Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams like to play basketball together?

He shoots, he scores.

The secret to a good marriage

It was grandparents day at school.

"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.

"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now. So I asked him , what was his secret. He looked at me, thought a bit and began. son there only one single thing to a good marriage...."

The whole class seemed to hold their breath. Everything seemed to stand still.

" And when I find out what that is, I will get married again".

I bought a new phone, the first thing I did was push redial...

The phone started having a nervous breakdown.

(The legendary Steven Wright)

If there is Adam and Eve, or Adam and Steve. It only seems fair the Eve gets a turn with both...

...That would make it Eve 'n Steven.

Steven hawking walks into a bar

Oh wait

My family gatherings follow Jenga rules

No winners. Just one big looser who ruins it for everyone else. Thanks uncle Steven.

Steve Jobs's greatest enemy

Steven Jobless

I got a job working at a factory that makes fire hydrants.

Unfortunately I can't park anywhere near it.

- Steven Wright

As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:

"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"

Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."

(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the steven steven seagal jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working steven steven segal piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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