JokoJokes

Steps Jokes

154 steps jokes and hilarious steps puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about steps that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh at funny steps jokes – from baby steps to walking the 12 steps – and explore the unique pulls and lands between each step of the path. Enjoy a fun collection of jokes that blend a variety of steps from the Steps Band to the first steps of a child.

Funniest Steps Short Jokes

Short steps jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The steps humour may include short stepping jokes also.

  1. How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two: Prophet.
  2. What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself? Your ear listening for foot steps.
  3. A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house? Mushrooms
  4. Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs Step 1:
    Step 2:
    Step 4:
    Step 7:
    Step 12:
    Step 18:
    Step 25:
    Hospital
  5. Ebay needs to step their game up. I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.
  6. Elon Musk lands on mars and steps out of his spaceship ### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
  7. In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.
  8. You know why I hate elevators? Half the time they are up to something, the other half they are just bringing you down. I should really start taking steps to avoid them..
  9. Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
  10. I've been reading a book called How To Use A ladder Well, it's more of a step-by-step guide.

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Steps One Liners

Which steps one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with steps? I can suggest the ones about stepped and stage.

  1. How to become a millionaire: Step One: Be a billionaire
    Step Two: Short sell $GME
  2. How to Fall Down the Stairs Step 1
    Step 2
    Step 5
    Step 9
    Step 12
    Floor
  3. I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.
  4. Step 1: Be named Muhammed. Step 2: Get some followers. Step 3: Prophet.
  5. Instructions how to fall down stairs: Step 1
    Step 2
    Step 4
    Step 14
  6. I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died He stepped on a landmine
  7. What does a grape say when you step on it? Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.
  8. How to fall down stairs * Step 1
    * Step 2
    * Step 4
    * Step 15
  9. I'm terrified of elevators. So I'm taking steps to mitigate my fears.
  10. I have a fear of elevators... ...but I'm taking steps to avoid it.
  11. How to fall down stairs Step 1
    Step 6
    Step 8, 9, 11, 12
  12. I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
  13. I'm terrified of elevators I take steps to avoid them
  14. How do you marry a country girl? Step 1: A tractor
    Step 2: Fertilizer
  15. My girlfriend said she wanted to try lunges. That's a big step forward.

First Steps Jokes

Here is a list of funny first steps jokes and even better first steps puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If you're thinking about joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous remember... The first step is admitting you don't have a problem.
  • What are the two steps to marrying a country girl? First; a tractor.
    Next; fertilizer.
  • I stepped on snail once as a child. I guess it was my first crush.
  • At Hypochondriacs Anonymous.... The first step is admitting you don't have a problem.
  • My first dad joke My step daughter told me she wanted to write a book called The Language of Farts. I said knowing her it would be a New York Times best smeller!
  • What's the first step to making a series about flying a plane? Filming the pilot
  • What's the first step in making Bronco cookies? Beat em in a bowl for three hours.
  • I fell off a 40 foot ladder Luckily it was the first step
  • What's the first step when dating a country girl? A tractor.
  • A scoliosis patient had given up hope of recovery.. But after the long and painful surgery, he took his first steps and humbly said "I stand corrected".

12 Steps Jokes

Here is a list of funny 12 steps jokes and even better 12 steps puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Instructions for falling down the stairs: Step 1, step 6, step 7, step 8, step 12.
  • Man my friends are such jerks, as soon as I tell them I'm a dance addict... ...what do they do? Put me in this amazing 12-step program.
  • There's a 12-step program for pun users. But it dozen work.
  • There's a new 12 step program for people who can't stop talking. On-and-on-anon.
  • Jesus Christ, 12 years old, steps out of his home but neglects to close the door behind him. Mary: Hold on, son! Were you born in a barn?
  • There should be a 12 step program for people who talk too much... On-and-on anon
  • I gave step counter to my son. He managed to do 12,000 steps without leaving his room.
  • "The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive." I think they've hired Naymar.
  • We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. It would be called On Anon Anon.
  • Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter. ...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.
Steps joke, Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody li

Easy Steps Jokes

Here is a list of funny easy steps jokes and even better easy steps puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How to be successful in two easy steps 1) Never tell anyone everything you know
  • Two easy steps to become a millionaire 1: Be a billionaire
    2: Set up businesses in Russia
  • How to walk in 4 easy steps Step 1
    Step 2
    Step 3
    Step 4
  • Do you ever wonder if your house is haunted? Follow this easy step by step process to find out for sure! Step 1: it isn't.
  • How to become a The Fray fan in easy steps - Step 1: You say, "We need to talk..."
  • 5 easy steps for eating healthier today 1. Go to kitchen
    2. Look around in search of healthy snack
    3. See cake sitting on counter
    4. Eat all of it
    5. Leave kitchen
    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  • In the Military bootcamp Soldier: SIR WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN STEPPING ON A MINE?
    Sergeant: Easy jump 10 meters in the Air and distribute yourself evenly in a radius of 15 meters
  • How to create an infinite loop in 2 easy steps! Step 1: Step 2
    Step 2: Step 1
  • How to even in three and half easy steps. I literally can't even.
  • How to not get r**..., in one easy step. Consent.

Baby Steps Jokes

Here is a list of funny baby steps jokes and even better baby steps puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Whats the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you step on a trampoline.
  • A Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato, and baby tomato are taking a walk... The baby starts falling behind so out of frustration the Papa Tomato turns around, steps on him, and yells, Ketchup!
  • How do Asians name their babies? They throw their silverware down the steps.
  • After giving birth, I quit my job.
    The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
    My answer: "Birth control."
  • Why was the babysitter fired? Because she helped the baby walk her first steps.
Steps joke, Why was the babysitter fired?

Hilarious Steps Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about steps you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ways jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make steps pranks.

Frank and Harry are at their golf club...

As Frank gets set to take his swing, a f**... procession goes by. He steps back, takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. Harry walks over, puts his hand on Frank's shoulder and says "That was a thoughtful thing to do". To which Frank replies "It was the least I could do, we were married for 30 years."

A Broken Watch

A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.
The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"
The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a mohel. I perform circumcisions."
Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"
The mohel calmly replies, "What would you prefer that I display?"

Fire safety

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"
"f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Three women and ducks

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."

After the resurrection, Jesus was hanging out with Peter, fishing.......


Jesus says, "I feel like performing a miracle. What should I do?"
Peter says, "How about the walking-on-water gig?"
Jesus agrees, steps out of the boat, and slowly starts sinking as he walks around.
Peter helps him back into the boat and asks, "Why didn't it work this time?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not sure, maybe it's the holes in my feet."

If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps....

I would opt for the latter.

Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...

...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."
The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.
The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.
The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf...

Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.
Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.
Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...
After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a f**... procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"

Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you m**...! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

Ducks

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'

Four old ladies were sitting together...

The first one says, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your excellence.'"
The second one says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your eminence.'"
The third lady says, "My son's the Pope, and when he steps into a room, people say 'Your holiness.'"
The fourth woman says, "My son's only a priest, hardly 5 feet but over 300 pounds. And whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Oh my God!'"

Jesus, Moses and an Old Man go golfing

and they come up to the par 3. Moses steps up to take a swing and plop, right in the pond. So he steps up to the water, raises his hands and separates the water. He strolls up and chips it into the hole for a birdie. Jesus' turn and he plunks it in the drink, too. He walks on the water, takes a swing and chips it in for a birdie.
The old man steps up to the tee and takes a swing. And, you guessed it, he drops it into the water. Just then a fish swims up and gobbles the ball, a hawk comes flying in from the sky and swoops up the fish. Over the green, the bird lets go of the fish, who slams against the ground. letting the ball go... which rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, quit showing off."

An old russian joke I heard a long time ago

In the middle his night patrol, a police officer notices a guy walking around a wooden barrel. He steps out of his vehicle, approaches, and asks, "hey, comrade, are you drunk?"
The man responds: "No, God forbid, I am perfectly sober, comrade officer! Besides I am almost home, my house is right after this fence!"

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide-and-seek

Einstein decides to be the seeker and begins counting. Pascal immediately runs to a closet and hides inside. Newton doesn't run or try to hide. Instead he takes some tape, makes a box on the ground, and steps inside. Einstein finishes counting and turns around to see Newton standing like an idiot.
"I found you Isaac, great hiding spot," says Einstein.
"You didn't find me," Newton replies. "You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!"

p**... Training

Little Johnny was just being p**... trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull f**... back
4. Pee
5. Push f**... forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did a good job.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies: "No, what you see is one Newton over one square meter - so what you have found is one Pascal."

Russia's Three Steps to Homework

Step 1. Putin it off
Step 2. Stalin
Step 3. Russian to finish

There are 500 bricks on a plane...

- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499
- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge
- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
- Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick

I failed my Health and Safety Test today

apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer

Guy gets into a car wreck with a midget driver

Midget steps out of his car, walks over to the other guy with a scowl and states, "I'm not happy."
Guy responds. "So which one are you?"

A group of primary school students were participating in a local spelling bee.

A keen young boy steps before the judges and is told, "Your word is spider."
Not quite sure as to how to spell it, the boy asks, "Could you please use it in a sentence?"
A judge replies, "A spider has eight eyes."
The boy then states, "S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R."

The priest, laywer, and engineer

By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.
They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.
Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."

Son: Mom, dad, I'm gay.

Son: Mom, dad, I'm gay.
Mom: *gasp*
Dad: *clenches fists*
Mom: Honey, stop!
Dad: *steps forward*
Mom: N-
Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD.

Three men die and go to heaven.

God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife.
The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife.
The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?"
God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."

A man drives through a stop sign..

A cop pulls him over and asks for his information.
"Sir, you just drove through that intersection without stopping."
"Aww come on, it's not a big deal..I slowed down!"
The officer steps back, looking down at his feet, all of a sudden he pulls out his night stick and starts beating the man.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" The man screams.
"Would you like me to slow down, or stop?"

My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"
She steps closer and takes my hand
"Will you be my con queso?"
And before I could even respond ...
"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

What does a dog do that a man steps in?

Pants

A blonde boards a plane to Miami...

A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"

How do you put an elephant in a fridge joke

A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.
How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the deer, then close the fridge.
The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there except for one; who is it?
The deer: He is still in the fridge.
An old lady is crossing a swamp, but it is a crocodile swamp. How does she cross? Normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party
Mary dies at the edge of the swamp. How?
A brick falls from the sky and kills her.
Knock knock Who's there?
Not Mary

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it c**... before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

A Canadian walks into a bar

A Canadian walks into a bar, steps back, apologizes to the bar, and walks away.

A man accidentally rear-ended a car

The driver whom was rear-ended steps out of the car and, to the mans surprise, was a dwarf. He walks to the man and says "I am NOT happy."
The man responds: "Then which one are you?"

A man steps onto an elevator with a woman inside...

He asks her, "Where are you headed today Miss?"
She says, "I'm on my way to the blood bank to donate blood."
The man asks, "How much do you get for that?"
She responds, "$20."
He then says, "Really? I'm on my way to the s**... bank, they pay me $100."
She looks angry about that, and then they part ways.
The next day the man gets on the elevator again to see the same woman. He says, "What a coincidence seeing you again. Where are you headed today?"
She responds, "To the s**... bank." with her mouth full.

I keep getting claustrophobic in elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid it.

Steps on how to survive being stranded on a dessert island.

1) Check spelling.
2) If correct, enjoy.

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

If you're afraid of elevators

Take steps to avoid them.

To have a successful marriage, every man has to follow these four steps...

1. Find a woman who will love you unconditionally.
2. Find a woman who will always cook for you.
3. Find a woman who will always want to have s**... with you.
4. And most importantly, ensure that none of these women ever meet.

How do you get over the fear of elevators?

Just take some steps to avoid them.

A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...

She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.
"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.
"no" he replies: "I go to the s**... bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".
A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"
The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is counting down while Newton and Pascal are trying to hide. Pascal jumps into the bushes and Newton walks a few steps, picks up a stick, draws a square on the ground and just stands there. Einstein turns around and instantly spots Newton.

- Found you Newton, you lose!
- Now wait a minute good sir, can't you see what I drew below me? I am a Newton on a square meter so technically you found Pascal.

If there are 500 bricks on a plane and one falls off, how many are left?

499.
What are the 3 steps of putting an elephant into a fridge?
Open fridge, put elephant in fridge, close fridge
What are the 4 steps of putting a giraffe into a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
The lion king is hosting a party. All but one of the guests show up. Who is missing?
The giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to go to the party, but she has to cross a crocodile-infested river to get there. She successfully swims across, how?
All the crocodiles are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, why?
She got hit in the head by a falling brick.

A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night...

He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"
The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"
The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"
The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a t**... attack.

Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.

I'm deathly afraid of elevators

I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them

Magic carpet

A blonde , a brunette and a red head walk into a carpet store and spot a talking magic carpet.
It spoke, "if you step on me and lie, you will disappear with a p**...!"
The brunette steps on first and says, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in town."
She vanished with a p**...!
The red head steps on the carpet and says, "I think I'm the smartest girl in town."
She vanished with a p**...!
The blonde steps on the carpet and says, "I think-"
She vanished with a p**...!

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2
2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3
3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.
The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks, Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"
The Brit responds, Right, so that's still a requirement?"

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.
The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling f**.... Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.

I've always been terrified of elevators.

I think it's time I took steps to avoid them.

A priest notices a little boy down the street

Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A woman gets on a double decker bus.

She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.
The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says but airy up there ma'am
To which she replies, what'd you expect, feathers?

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL h**... WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"

I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

A man digs 3 holes in his backyard...

he steps back and says "Well... well... well..."

I hate elevators.

I will take steps to avoid them.

A father and his son went outside for a walk.

The son steps on a butterfly. The father jokes : Your going to have to eat some butter now!
When they return back to their home, they find the kid's mother cooking in the kitchen. She accidentally steps on a cockroach. The son says to the father : I'll leave you guys to it then.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.

The conductor almost panicked says, there's too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we're going to c**...! The Welshman bravely steps up, For the glory of wales! And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, okay, we're close but there is still too much weight! The Irishman, in a patriotic manner yells, For Ireland! And throws the Englishman off

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.
Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."
So I took off her skirt.
Then she says, "Take off my bra and p**......"
So I took off her bra and p**....
Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear"

My step-sister walked into my room one day and

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."
So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and p**......"

So I took off her bra and p**....

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further.
But the man says, Don't bother, she only runs on BP.

I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.
Jesus: Hey Moses, when's the last time you parted the water. You still got it in you.
Moses: It's been a while. Let's see.
And standing in the boat he held out his hands and the water parted.
Moses: What about you? Can you still walk on water?
Jesus: Let's see.
So Jesus steps out of the boat and sinks
Jesus: I haven't tried it since I got these holes in my feet.
Credit to u/kaptin_hippy

A blonde and a brunette are riding in an elevator...

At one point, a man steps aboard with dandruff all over his suit. He gets off a few floors later and the brunette turns to the blonde and whispers-
Now THAT'S a guy who could really use some Head & Shoulders!
The blonde looks perplexed:
How do you give somebody shoulders?

A very drunk guy starts beating up a nun on the street

He throws kicks, uppercuts, regular punches, even some drunk karate moves.

Once he is exhausted he steps back and says "You disappoint me, Batman"

LEGO bricks are like b**......

...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.

Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"

After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I *am*! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

A Rabbi, a priest, and a preacher are out in a boat one day.

The rabbi tells the two he's hungry, so he steps out of the boat and walks across the water to land, where he claims his snack.
Shortly later the priest decides he's thirsty, so like the rabbi, steps out the boat and walks across the water to land, getting a bottle of water.
The preacher seeing this decides he could go for a snack and a drink, and tries to do the same as the rabbi and priest. As soon as he exits the boat, he immediately plunged into the water.
On land, the rabbi tells the priest maybe we should've told him where the rocks were

I'm terrified of elevators.

So I've decided that I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

A blonde saved enough money to buy a convertible.

So she goes out for a drive into the country. Top down, music blaring, what people stereotypically do in convertibles.
She gets to the middle of a field, and sees her friend, who is also blonde, rowing in a boat. In the middle of a field.
She puts her car in park and steps out.
What are you doing?! She yells.
Can't you see I'm boating? Her friend replies.
You're in the middle of a field! You can't row a boat in the middle of a field! It's blondes like you that make blondes like me look bad! I'd go out there and tell you off, but I don't know how to swim.

A woman was running late for Sunday mass.

As she ran up the church steps, she tripped and fell...her dress came up and her hat flew off. She stood up, put on her hat and started straightening out her dress when she saw a priest standing at the door,
"Excuse Father Ryan, is mass out?" she asked
The priest looked at her and said "No, but your hat is kind of crooked"

Steps joke, A woman was running late for Sunday mass.

jokes about steps