Steals Jokes

What are some Steals jokes?

A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...

...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.



P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.

What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub...

She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men." ;)

So he stabs her & steals her purse.

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...

I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...

What is it called when one biologist steals a petri dish from another biologist?

Cultural appropriation.

If someone steals a Tesla...

Does it become an Edison?

What do you call a scientist that steals energy?

A joule thief.

Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Corn

Give a white man an ear of corn, he eats for a day
Teach a white man to grow corn, he steals all your land

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.

The contents read

"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."

If you know an Arab, you don't have to steal...

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.

The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."

The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.

The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."

Two men and two women are on a train.

There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *smack!* and the train leaves the tunnel.

The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"

If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day?

Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.

"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.

"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."

"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.

"Father, the acoustics in here are terrible, I can't hear a word you say!" claims Tony.

"What do you mean? Tell me who steals my apples!" demands the priest.

"Everything you say, I can't comprehend it in here! Let's switch places if you don't believe me!" suggests Tony.

The priest comes into the chamber where Tony sat and Tony into where the priest sat.

"Father, who lies with my wife when I'm not at home?" asks Tony.

"You're right, Tony, the acoustics in here are indeed terrible," agrees the priest.

What's the difference between a thief who steals timepieces and a man at a strip club?

One snatches watches and the other watches snatches.

So a black man walks into a bar on a Friday night...

...and a woman approaches him and the two hit it off very well. After hours of flirting and dancing together they head back to the woman's apartment. The woman begins to undress and says, "Show me that it's true what they say about black men." So the black man stabs her, steals her purse and leaves.

A Jew and Arab walk into a bakery...

The Arab immediately steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."

Do you know that crazy Mexican that steals trains?

He had loco motives

White woman takes a black guy home from the bar

Once they step into her house:


Woman: (shyly) So...is true what they say about black guys?


Black guy: Yes.


Then he stabs her and steals her purse.

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery...

The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."

Remember, if a man steals your wife

the best revenge that you can have is to let him keep her.

What is large, black, and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation 3

Johnny steals a pencil

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher saying that he stole a pencil from his classmate. His father is furious.

"Johnny, you never never never never steal a pencil from a classmate. This is unacceptable. I can't believe you did this. You're grounded for two weeks. And besides, you know that if you ever need a pencil, you can just say something. You can just mention it and I'll bring you dozens of pencils from the office."


-From a lecture by economist Dan Ariely

A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The white man replies, "Look in the black mans back pocket....."

Do you know why Apple steals all their ideas?

Cause when they make their own I lose my headphones.

If a person helps a thief before he steals something this person is called an accomplice and he will pay for this

if a person helps a thief after he steals something this person is called a lawyer and he will be paid for this

The Pope's son

An actor and his wife are about to have a baby, but they realize that they can't afford to have a baby. They didn't want to go through the long process that is adoption. However, the pope was there at the same hospital getting a prostate examination. The actor has a plan, after the baby is born, the actor steals a doctor's coat and sneaks into the room where the pope was getting examined. After the doctors leave the room, he walks in holding the baby and exclaims, "Congratulations, it's a boy!" Startled and confused, the pope accepts the child and brings him back to Italy.

The child grows into a God fearing man, someone that the pope would be proud of. One day, the son walks up to pope and asks, "Are you my real father?" The pope, looks down at his feet for a moment, then looks up and says, "Forgive me my child, for I am not your father." His son then asks, "Do you know who is?" The pope answers, "Yes, it's the Archbishop. I'm your mother."

What's black and steals your change?

Vending machines.

What do you call a cat who steals someone's identity?

An impawster.

Aspiring thief breaks into theater...

Steals spotlight.

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

What do you call someone who steals a Tesla car?

An Edison.



I have to thank my buddy Chris for this one.

Where does the pervert keep the underwear he steals?

In his briefcase!

A black guy and a white guy walk into a bakery...

The black guy goes up to the counter, steals 3 pasties without getting caught, and he puts them in his pocket.


He says to the white guy 'did you see that, he didn't even notice'


'Oh yeah?' the white guy responded 'watch this'


He goes up to the counter, takes three pasties, and eats them whilst walking out of the store.


'Hey!' shouted the cashier 'you have to pay for those'


'Oh no, it's a magic trick' explained the white guy 'Look in that black guys pockets'

What do you call a Mexican who steals spaceships?

Rogue Juan

What do you call someone who steals lotion?

A smooth criminal.

What Do You Call it When Someone Steals Someone Else's Coffee?

A Mugging.

What do you call spaghetti that steals someones identity?

An impasta

What do you call someone who steals a Tesla?

Felon Musk.

A man amd his wife walk into a store and the wife steals a jar of peaches

Loss prevention catches her however, and pulls them aside to wait for a police officer to show up. Upon arrival, he is told what happened and handed the jar. He then counts how many slices of peach there are, for she is to spend a week in jail for each one. In this case 6. The officer then pulls out the paper on which to write up the report, but just as he begins to fill it out, the husband exclaims, "Wait! She stole a can of peas too!"

What do you call someone who steals a glacier?

An iceberglar

Have you heard about the man who steals statues of famous people's heads?

He was busted!

Aspiring thief enters theater

Steals spotlight

What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample?

Cultural appropriation.

What do you call a lion that steals credit cards?

An AMEX predator.

What do you call an idiot who steals prescription drugs from pharmacies?

An oxy-moron

What do you call someone that steals shoes?

A sneaker.

What do you call it when somebody steals a dark souls meme?

A Riposte.

What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested

My mom and dad run an Iron&Steel business.

My mom irons and my dad steals.

A woman and a black man are dancing in a bar

After a bit of dancing they go back to the woman's place
They start to kiss and began to undress
Before the black man takes off his pants the woman says
Is it true what they say about black men
Yes he proceeds to stab her and steals her purse

What do call a KKK member that steals your car right in front of you?

Cracker Jack.

NSFW What do you call a guy who steals condoms?

A cheap f#cker.

What's the difference between Amy Schumer and a bank robber?

A bank robber steals something of value.

What do you call a Mexican gang that steals office supplies?

Rubber Banditos

A man pickpockets a random person and steals her credit card

as the man walks off with the card, he says to himself 'hasta la visa'.

Which bath time toy steals your soap?

The Robber Ducky

Who steals all the soap in the bathroom?

The robber ducky

A guy walks into a house and steals all the ham

Ham burglar

Don't know what to do

Wife : Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?


Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....

What happens to a Muslim that steals weed?

They get stoned.

What do you call a reckless thief who only steals cooking utensils?

A whisk taker.

Who do Jedi call when someone steals their lightsaber?

The Kyber Police.

What do you call someone who steals kitchen utensils?

A whisk taker

Adam hates going out for a meal with God.

He always steals his ribs.

What do you call a man who steals large vats of Chinese noodles?

A megalomeiniac.

What do you call someone who steals bags from people at a dog park?

A scat burgler.

What does someone who steals a Tesla wear?

an Elon Mask.

What do you call a big black rat that steals all your food?

A Rat-Coon


Hope you guys are light hearted enough to not be offended.

If a 12 year old in Africa steals a sports car do they call it a joy ride? Grand theft?

Or a midlife crisis?

what is the difference between a crook and a politician?

A crook will steal before he runs,
a politician runs before he steals

What do you call it when an inbred hick steals

...a six finger discount.

What do you call a thief that steals car tires?

Vulcanized robber.

What do you call a piece of spaghetti that steals people's identities?

An impasta!

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that's how the economy works. Nothing personal.

The robot starts texting your wife...

How to make Steals jokes?

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