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Stealing Money Jokes

34 stealing money jokes and hilarious stealing money puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stealing money that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Stealing Money Short Jokes

Short stealing money jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stealing money humour may include short robbing bank jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves? Thief: They steal your money then run
    Politician: They run and then steal your money
  2. A broke man goes to a famous lawyer... "I have no money but I can give you an original picasso drawing"
    "That sounds good! What are you accused of?"
    "stealing a Picasso drawing."
  3. What's the difference between a robber and a politician? Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.
  4. There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money, I like to call them, the accidents, but my wife insists on calling them our children.
  5. Why did Robinhood steal from the rich? He actually didn't he instead limited what the working class could trade in stocks in order for the rich to make money. Disney lied.
  6. Two thieves were looking to steal a briefcase of money in a room full of luggage. The first thief picked one up and asked Is this it?
    The second thief replied It seems to be the case.
  7. What's the difference between a thief and a consultant. A thief will steal your money and leave. But a consultant will steal your money and try to help you find it.
  8. For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife's purse But then I just remembered she's got a birthday coming up
  9. Does your wife occasionally steal money from you? Mine does. So sometimes, I let her have it!
  10. Don't know what to do Wife : Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?
    Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....

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Stealing Money One Liners

Which stealing money one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stealing money? I can suggest the ones about robbing and stealing food.

  1. Yo' Mama is so poor, she steals her breakfast from backyard bird feeders.
  2. What do you call a man with a knife trying to steal your money? A Ni55a

Stealing Money Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about stealing money you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean borrowing money jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stealing money pranks.

Peeing in the Flowers...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

World Cut Soccer

A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

Two Irish friends leave the pub.
One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"

Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"
Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"
Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."

My favorite wisk broke

I saw the same one at the store but I didnt have any money for it so I decided to steal it. I knew the repercussions of shoplifting, but it was just a wisk I was willing to take.

Two Irish friends leave the pub

One says to other, I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.
I know, me too, but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot, replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?
I can't find a No. 91.
Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!

There were two fools and one boss

Boss told the fools to go and steal money from a random house.He told them that if the fence is tall then dig under,if the fence is short then jump.
Two hours later the fools came back with empty hands.
Boss asked them:"Where is the money?What happened?"
Fools replied "There was no fence"

A blonde walked up to a man and said, "Give me your wallet.

"
The man said, "Okay, but give me the gun."
The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet.
The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.
The blonde said, "You're an idiot...there's no bullets in the gun."
The man replied, "You're the idiot...here's no money in the wallet."

What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.

What's the difference between Bernie Sanders and a canoe.

One wants to steal your money and the other generously tips.

Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren't.


Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody's yard.
A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog german.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn't at work.

A driver is stopped by the police...

The officer says:
-Congratulations! You are the 100th person who has remembered to use a seatbelt today, and therefore you have won $1000. What will you spend the money on?
Driver:
-Well, a driving license I think?
The passenger sitting next to him hurries to say:
-You should not listen to him, he's drunk!
A sound is heard from the back seat:
-I knew stealing a car was a bad idea.
At the same time, a foreign accent is heard from the trunk:
-Have we passed the border yet?

David was working in the garden and his back starting bothering him.

He went inside and told his wife that he thought he may have done something to his spine.
Sure enough he couldn't stand upright without being in pain.
"Call the doctor, Jane."
"No, no. Go see my chiropractor, he will fix you up good."
"Jane, your chiropractor is a p**.... He's stealing your money and pulling your leg."
"Don't be silly, I'll call him now."
David goes to see Judy's chiropractor the next day. He comes home after the appointment feeling brand new.
He says to his wife, "I stand corrected."

Trust Issues

A rich polish man leaves his homeland to start over in America and find love.
After a year in the states and building a successful business, he meets a woman who he falls in love with and they get married.
After 2 months of being married and living together the polish man goes to see a divorce attorney.
He tells the attorney he needs to file for divorce out of fear that his wife is trying to steal his money.
The attorney says "Okay, why do you think she is trying to steal your money?"
"She's trying to kill me!"
"Sir, that's a serious accusation! Do you have any proof of this?"
"Well when I was in the bathroom, I opened her drawer and I saw a bottle that said 'Polish Remover'!"

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To kick a sleeping homeless man in the head and steal his money

New trick thief racket

Im just here to warn you, about this gang.
They appear on parking areas in front of supermarkets.
Seems like at the moment often at walmart.
2 very cute 18 - 20 year old girls will start to wash your car while you put your groceries in. They have barely clothes on, so you could see their underwear and even more.
If you offer money, they will say no and ask you if you instead can give them a ride to another supermarket. If you agree they get on your backseat and will start having s**... with each other while you drive. After a while they try to involve you. While one kisses you, the 2nd will steal your wallet.
Just wanted to tell you: Take care!
I got robbed this way on monday, tuesday, wednesday, twice on thursday and on saturday.

Three Pastors and their secret problems...

Three pastors met and agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept a secret between the three of them. The first pastor said; my problem is money l do steal even from the church offering. Please pray for me. The second pastor; mine is women. Whenever l see any woman my desire will be to go to bed with her, in fact l have slept with most of the church (female) members. Turning to the third pastor to hear his problem he started crying (it took his friends some effort to calm him). When they asked him to continue, he was still crying, he said my problem is gossiping, when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me. Please pray for me! The two pastors fainted.

A young man went to church one day...

A young man went to church one day, and during the service he saw a lovely young woman. Being a healthy, red-blooded young man, he decided to go up to her after the service and introduce himself. When he asked her for her name, she replied "Jezebel," with a wry little smile.
"Jezebel?" said the young man, with a fair bit of shock. "Why would a good Christian family name their daughter Jezebel?"
"Well," she replied, "after my sister Chastity slept with half the football team, and my sister Charity was kicked out of the Girl Scouts for stealing cookie money, my parents decided to try a different approach."

Old lady thief....

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".
The judge then asked the old lady "How many peaches were in the tin?"
"Six" she replied.
"Ok i'm going to give you one day in prison for each peach."
All of a sudden, the wife's husband stood up and objected the judge's ruling.
"Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas".

The honest lawyer?

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. I know I am going to die he said and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.
It was a few days after the f**... when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. I'm glad you brought it up said the doctor, because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.
You people should be ashamed of yourselves stormed the lawyer stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this he said pulling out his check book,  look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!