The Best 74 Stealing Jokes

Following is our collection of Stealing jokes which are very funny. There are some stealing tambourines jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stealing gang puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Stealing Jokes and Puns

What do you get for stealing a slut's vegetables?

Herpeas.

I just saw two guys stealing my neighbors gate.

I didn't say anything, because I didn't want them to take a fence.

Guy bumps into a friend ...

... and says "Hey, man, can you believe that they fired me for stealing office supplies?"

Friend says, "Wow, that's crazy, they must really be hardnosed about that. Where did you work again?"

"Office Depot."

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

I didn't want to believe my flatmate was stealing from his job as highway maintenance

...but when I got home all the signs were there.


I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I got arrested the other day for stealing full stops.

I'm looking at a long sentence.

A boy asks his father, "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't really green?"

The father replies, "It's just an expression, son. Just like how they say a person is caught stealing red-handed, even though his hands are actually black."

I got security cameras fitted outside my house.

Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.

My housemates may get angry at me for stealing all their cooking utensils..

..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

A dying lawyer

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.

"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

You can explore stealing whisk reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stealing signs dad jokes. There are also stealing puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.

I think he took a fence.

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Did you guys hear about that guy that was stealing everyone's power?

He's a real Joule thief.

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist."

Their words not mine

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site...

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

When it comes to stealing chocolate bars...

I have a couple twix up my sleeve

I saw some guy stealing a gate last night...

I thought not to shout at him cuz he might take a fence.

Caught red handed

Little Johnny asks, "Dad, why do they say people who are good at gardening have a green thumb?".
Dad thought for a moment, "Johnny, it's just a saying. It's like when someone is caught stealing, it's said they're caught red handed, even though their hands are black".


Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker,

I don't know how I never noticed that all the signs were there..

I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes

It was a whisk I was willing to take

People with Parkinson's Disease...

...are really good at making margaritas but terrible at stealing tambourines

A young boy asks his dad

A young boy asks his dad: "Why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't actually green?"

The dad replies: "It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something, they say that they have been caught 'red handed,' even though their hands are actually black."

IKEA said if they catch me stealing anything else I'll be banned for life

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

I nearly got caught stealing a board game the other day

It was a risk I was willing to take.

What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese?

Stop stealing my cheese

Stop making jokes about how fat and disgusting Amy Schumer is.

You're stealing her material.

One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...

...I think he took a fence.

I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday...

...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.

My roommate yells at me for stealing her kitchen utensils

But hey, it was a whisk I was willing to take.

If I had a nickel for every time I got kicked out of a restaurant...

Maybe I wouldn't have to keep stealing the food

An elderly woman appears in court for stealing

A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."

"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole a can of peas!!"

Why is stealing toilets from the police station the perfect crime?

Because the cops have nothing to go on.

A little boy asks his father why they say gardeners have green thumbs...

The father replies "That's just a figure of speech. You know, like when someone is stealing and they are caught red handed, but their hands are really black."

Did you hear about the two guys that got caught stealing a calendar?

They each got six months.

A broke man goes to a famous lawyer...

"I have no money but I can give you an original Picasso drawing"

"That sounds good! What are you accused of?"

"stealing a Picasso drawing."

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

My girlfriend broke up with me for stealing her wheelchair

But I'm not bothered, I know she'll come crawling back any day now

My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters,

but when I borrow a dress suddenly we "need to talk."

I got arrested the other day for stealing six cans of Sprite.

They didn't realise I picked 7 up.

Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.

Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.

Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"

Why did the ants wait until the bear's favourite song came on before stealing his jelly?

Because nobody would understand what was going on when he yelled "YO! THAT'S MY JAM!"

A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

What does a Muslim child say after being caught stealing for the second time?

Look ma, no hands!

My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says I will destroy America...

Trump replies, No way, that's my job. I won't have another asian stealing an American job.

I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware...

... it was a whisk I was willing to take.

I know a friend who keeps stealing board games...

He's such a risk taker

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars

Police are working tirelessly to catch him

Did you hear about the guy whose been stealing iPhones all over town?

He is going to Face Time soon.

My roommate has been stealing my stuff recently. I did a good job at ignoring it, until he stole the only drinking utensil I had left.

I finally snapped and yelled That's the last straw!

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker...

But when I got home, all the signs were there....

My dad got fired as a road worker because of stealing.

I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home.

All the signs where there.

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him.

Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts.

Currently the police have nothing to go on

I'd been stealing my wife's deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said please stop keeping Secrets from me

There's a man in the town who's stealing wheels of police cars..

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

Did you hear about the 2 guys that got caught stealing a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

A man is on the run stealing wheels from police cars

The police is working tirelessly to catch him.

A Man Has Been Stealing Tires From Police Cars

The police have been working tire-lessly to catch him

A man has been stealing wheels of police cars

Police are working tirelessly to catch him


Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

I was on trial for stealing a man's luggage.

It was a briefcase.

A heart was caught stealing a Honda

I guess you could say he was under cardiac arrest

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stealing steal jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working stealing klepto piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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