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Steal Jokes

136 steal jokes and hilarious steal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about steal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Do comedians really steal jokes? Learn about the shady practice of joke thievery and discover why famous comedians may resort to it. We'll examine cases of reave, the history of stealing jokes, the impact it has on comedy, and the consequences for the thief. Don't miss this enlightening look into the dark side of stand-up comedy.

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Popular Steal Short Jokes

Short steal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The steal humour may include short stole jokes also.

  1. My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
  2. I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, - Mark, my words!
  3. My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
  4. Why are there pyramids in Egypt? They were too heavy to steal and put in a british museum.
  5. Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day. But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
  6. My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
  7. I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons. I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
  8. I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker But when I got home, all the signs were there.
  9. I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday it was a risk I was willing to take
  10. I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium. He was clearly just taking a political stand.

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Steal One Liners

Which steal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with steal? I can suggest the ones about theft and robbing.

  1. I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
  2. I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes. I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.
  3. What happens if someone steals uranium? It becomes theiranium
  4. Why does nobody play uno with Mexicans? They always steal the green cards.
  5. Ohio is stealing my life story A series of train wrecks in an already depressed area
  6. How does a coat steal something? They jacket
  7. A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is... ... a stainless steal.
  8. What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese? Stop stealing my cheese
  9. I knew she'd come crawling to me.. I mean, I DID steal her wheelchair
  10. Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store? They would steal all the boos.
  11. How do you steal a coat joke You jacket
  12. I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes It was a whisk I was willing to take
  13. If someone steals a Tesla... Does it become an Edison?
  14. I got arrested the other day for stealing full stops. I'm looking at a long sentence.
  15. Have you heard about the two guys who tried to steal a calendar? They each got six months

Do Comedians Steal Jokes

Here is a list of funny do comedians steal jokes and even better do comedians steal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man was shot dead today by police after attempting to steal a comedians notebook. Some people just can't take jokes!
  • Why did the comedian steal the skeleton's arm bone? He thought it would be humerus.
  • Why did the stand-up comedian break up with the seamstress? She kept stealing his material
  • What do comedians do nowadays? First they steal a reporter's script before every show. Then they throw in some curses and metaphors.
  • Amy Schumer accused of stealing jokes from comedians she used to open for... ...And they said after she snapped at that 17-year old on Twitter that Amy Schumer can't take a joke.
  • Why does the dog hate comedians. Because they keep stealing his shtick.
    ^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.
  • What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes? One is luck n' fame, the other is f**...' lame.
Steal joke, What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing yo

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about steal can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of steal puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Comical Steal Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about steal you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean stolen car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make steal prank.

What do you get for stealing a s**...'s vegetables?

Herpeas.

Black Joke

Why do black people have nice clothes, expensive jewelry, and drive fancy cars with rims but live in c**... houses/apartments?
-They haven't figured out how to steal houses yet.

If you steal ideas from only one person, it is called plagiarism.

If you steal from many people, it is called research.

Wild little old ladies.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get s**... ....so we're just waiting.

Where does He-Man keep his towel?

BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!!
I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.

* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.

gypsy omelette recipe...

First steal some eggs

Why are Mexicans bad at UNO?

They steal all the green cards.

I was walking home and saw some drunk guy trying to steal someones gate...

I was gonna say something, but I din't want him to take a fence.

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"
The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

The Government

Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.
The Government Hates Competition

A Mexican once tried to steal my golf clubs..

so I had to shoot a hole-in-juan.

A black Jewish guy

A black Jew runs up to his father and asks his father if he is more Jewish or more black. The father asks his son why he just asked this odd question, the son says "there is a boy at school selling his old bike for $50 and I am wondering if I should haggle it down to $40 or just steal it."

TIL that India is installing 15000 CCTV cameras in Delhi for Obama's visit.

This is ridiculous.
Just because he's black doesn't mean he'll steal anything.... When will the world stop this Racist behaviour ?

If you know an Arab, you don't have to steal...

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."

"Good artists copy. Great artists steal."

\- Me

What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

What's the difference between a robber and a politician?

Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

1995: A Chinese Official is conversing with a Russian citizen...

...Chinese Official, "You have nothing in Russia."
Russian, "Oh yeah, we have Yeltsin."
Chinese Offical, "Then we will steal your Yeltsin.
Russian, "If you take Yeltsin you'll have nothing in China."
Disclaimer: This joke is not mine, it was told to my father during his stay in Russia in the year 1995.

When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes

I still do, but I used to too.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run
Politician: They run and then steal your money

My parents were in the iron and steel industry...

My mother had to iron and my father had to steal.

An older woman's husband dies during a b**... session.

She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the h**...'s Angels.
When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal anything?" They ask.
"Oh all the time." She replies.
"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"Sure have, and strung up by my n**...".

Did b**... invent r**...?

Or did they steal that too?

The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and try to pass them off as my own.

I still do, but I used to too.

What an Idea..!!!

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.
Why didn't I think of that?

When it comes to stealing chocolate bars...

I have a couple twix up my sleeve

You wouldn't steal a gate.

So why would you take offense?

I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.

Shouldn't the Patriots play the r**..., and then steal their stadium?

Two thieves try to steal a calendar.

They each got six months.

I never expected my dad to steal from his road construction job...

but when I got home all of the signs were there.

Two drunk guys walking home from the pub

They come across a bus depot and decide it would be quicker to steal a bus and drive it home.
One of the guys manages to get one started and shouts on his mate to hop on.
His mate replies " that bus number doesn't go to ours mate, am looking for the number 22."

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, s**..., and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...

"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.
The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

Some h**... get paid to go out on dates before s**..., and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others t**... and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're t**....
That's called the "wife experience."

I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday...

...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.

A Black/Jewish boy asks his dad whether he's more Black or more Jewish.

When his dad asks why, the boy answers "there's a bike for sale for $100 and I can't decide whether to haggle down to $75 or just steal it."

An amputee broke into my house last night and tried to steal my stuff

Luckily he was unarmed

Why is stealing toilets from the police station the perfect crime?

Because the cops have nothing to go on.

I can't bring myself to steal someone else's drink.

It's just not my cup of tea.

Why do thieves prefer to steal Android phones over iPhones?

Because they like to Hangout and not FaceTime.

Don't steal, don't lie and don't cheat.

The government hates competition.

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

My friends hate it when I steal their kitchen utensils...

but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

I once tried driving to Mexico to steal a couple pet dolphins.

But I was arrested for trying to enter the country for i**... porpoises.

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

In the old days, when you illegally downloaded music it would transfer everything but the drum tracks, so you'd have to duplicate those on your own.

That's why they say you can't steal music without repercussion.

Why did the robber go to the circus?

To steal the show. This joke was brought to you by my 2nd grade daughter. ;)

There's a lot of things I hate

But people who steal from bakeries take the cake

My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.

"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."

I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.

Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

What are you? asks the cat. I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you? The cat thinks for a moment and says, I guess i'm a gnome.

I'm done stealing. I took an oath today.

But I swear I will give it back.

A Gnome.

A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy.
I just love mischief!
And what, may I ask, creature are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says,
"I guess I'm a gnome."

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it.

I didn't steal this joke. This is *OUR* joke.

I'd been stealing my wife's deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said please stop keeping Secrets from me

A dog asks a cat : Why do u always hide when having s**... ????????

Cat replies: You want people to steal my style like they stole yours?, NEVER!!!!

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?
The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

After what happened at the U.S. Captiol

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

I don't understand how do people steal jobs

Like I've never seen a Mexican walking in a restaurant and be like ay gimme the dishes .

Two men stay out late drinking, miss the last bus and have to walk home

They pass the bus depot, so one says he'll break in and steal a bus to get them home.
Ages later, he comes to the door and goes, 'it's no use, I can't find a number 9.'
'You idiot!' says his friend, 'Just steal a 14, we'll get off at the corner and walk the rest of the way.'

Steal a man's wallet and he will be broke for a week

Give a man a lego passion and he will be broke for a lifetime

Steal joke, Steal a man's wallet and he will be broke for a week

jokes about steal

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these steal jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.