The Best 67 Steal Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Steal jokes. There are some steal stole jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these steal hates puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Steal Jokes and Puns
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Wild little old ladies.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ....so we're just waiting.
Where does He-Man keep his towel?
BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!!
I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
How do you steal a coat joke
You jacket
Why are Mexicans bad at UNO?
They steal all the green cards.
Have you heard about the two guys who tried to steal a calendar?
They each got six months
Why does nobody play Uno with Mexicans?
They always steal the green cards.
I was walking home and saw some drunk guy trying to steal someones gate...
I was gonna say something, but I din't want him to take a fence.
The warning sign
There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"
The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".
The Government
Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.
The Government Hates Competition
You can explore steal stealer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean steal theft dad jokes. There are also steal puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday
it was a risk I was willing to take
A black Jewish guy
A black Jew runs up to his father and asks his father if he is more Jewish or more black. The father asks his son why he just asked this odd question, the son says "there is a boy at school selling his old bike for $50 and I am wondering if I should haggle it down to $40 or just steal it."
If you know an Arab, you don't have to steal...
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."
It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?
I'm a whisk taker
A banker, a worker and an immigrant
An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".
What's the difference between a robber and a politician?
Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.
What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?
Thief: They steal your money then run
Politician: They run and then steal your money
Did blacks invent rape?
Or did they steal that too?
The little black jewish boy...
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and try to pass them off as my own.
I still do, but I used to too.
What an Idea..!!!
My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.
Why didn't I think of that?
I knew she'd come crawling to me..
I mean, I DID steal her wheelchair
A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is...
... a stainless steal.
How does a coat steal something?
They jacket
Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?
They would steal all the boos.
You wouldn't steal a gate.
So why would you take offense?
I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.
Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?
I steal candy bars using slight of hand...
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..
because she doesn't like when people steal her material.
A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...
"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.
The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."
I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.
I should probably get that checked out.
My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Some hookers get paid to go out on dates before sex, and call it the "girlfriend experience."
Others torture and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're tied up.
That's called the "wife experience."
A Black/Jewish boy asks his dad whether he's more Black or more Jewish.
When his dad asks why, the boy answers "there's a bike for sale for $100 and I can't decide whether to haggle down to $75 or just steal it."
What happens if someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium
Why do thieves prefer to steal Android phones over iPhones?
Because they like to Hangout and not FaceTime.
Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day
Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land
My friends hate it when I steal their kitchen utensils...
but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
An artist lives next to a Marsh.
Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."
If someone steals a Tesla...
Does it become an Edison?
Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.
Why did the robber go to the circus?
To steal the show. This joke was brought to you by my 2nd grade daughter. ;)
A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.
"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
A Gnome.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy.
I just love mischief!
And what, may I ask, creature are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says,
"I guess I'm a gnome."
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.
I told him, - Mark, my words!
Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it.
I didn't steal this joke. This is *OUR* joke.
A dog asks a cat : Why do u always hide when having sex ????????
Cat replies: You want people to steal my style like they stole yours?, NEVER!!!!
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.
The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?
The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one
Two men stay out late drinking, miss the last bus and have to walk home
They pass the bus depot, so one says he'll break in and steal a bus to get them home.
Ages later, he comes to the door and goes, 'it's no use, I can't find a number 9.'
'You idiot!' says his friend, 'Just steal a 14, we'll get off at the corner and walk the rest of the way.'
A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.
As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!
The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."
The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried to kiss the old lady instead of me."
The general thinks, "that officer is smart, he steals a kiss, and I get slapped."
The office thinks, "I'M A GENIUS! I kiss the back of my hand, and get to hit a 4 star general!!!"
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.
I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.
Why are there pyramids in Egypt?
They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.
One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins
After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'm not going to."
The priest smiles and says, "That's good, my son. The part about 'thou shalt not steal' moved you, did it?"
The guy says, "Nope. After that part about adultery, I remember where I left my hat."
*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet.... Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )
Hacker Jesus
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man how to phish and he'll steal your bank password - Hacker Jesus
A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen
He decided to use it as inspiration for that week's sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially thou shalt not steal
Then he got to thou shalt not commit adultery and remembered where he left his bike.
The kids don't know the difference between castration and a vasectomy.
True story:
Fellow teacher in the lounge during lunch: They have no knowledge of basic human anatomy. They thought that getting a vasectomy meant having your balls chopped off.
Me: When it comes to the difference between castration and a vasectomy, there is a vas deferens.
Thanks Reddit for letting me steal a joke and use it on the wild.
I suffer from a rare form of kleptomania that causes me to steal people kitchen utensils.
it's just a whisk I'm willing to take.
Don't try to steal anything at the Samsung store
The guardians of the galaxy won't be happy.
Why shouldn't you steal a vengeful person's hairpiece?
There would be hell toupée.
Someone has been stealing the wheels from local cop cars
The police are working tirelessly to catch them.
if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.
But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.
I miss the times when I was working at the zoo
My boss fired me just because I left the lion's gate open. I mean who would steal a lion?
My wife told me not to steal from my friend's kitchen...
... but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the steal shoplift jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working steal whisk piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.