Steak Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it's rare.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

What is Chipotle most known for?

- A. Steak Bowls
- B. Delicious Tacos
- C. Chips
- D. Burritos
- E. Coli

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

A guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a steak. The guy behind the counter tells him it'll be $1.

"One dollar?! I've been coming to this bar every week for who knows how long, and it's always been $12! Where's Phil the owner?"

"He's upstairs with my wife."

"Well, what's he doing with your wife?"

"The same thing I'm doing to his business."

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, I like it Well Done.

I said, Thanks buddy. That means a lot.

A waiter served me some rare steak

But when I told him "I like it well done", he said "thank you".

Why don't vegans take risks?

Because their life could be at steak.

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with one leg?

Steak.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom.

I've always wanted my dad to be proud of me... It finally happened today.

I started serving at a steak house and my parents came in to see me at work. When I asked my dad how he wanted his steak, he said "Well done, son".

Guy orders a steak at a restaurant.

The waiter brings it out and its rare.

"Excuse me, I said well done." says the guy

"Oh sorry, I didn't hear you", says the waiter, "Thanks very much!"

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

I had small wookiee steak for dinner...

...it was a little chewie.

There's that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell...

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?

2 Stormtrooper are eating a Wookie steak

it was chewy

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.

He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."

He says, "I am. How did you know?"

She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

What do you call an illegitimate female cow?

Miss Steak

How do Vampires like their steak?

Any way is fine other than through their chest

A robot man walks into a robot restaurant.

A robot waiter approaches and asks him for his robot order.
The robot man orders a robot steak.
The robot waiter asks him how he wants his robot steak prepared.
The robot man replies, "Weld on".

David Cameron

Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".

How do you kill a vegan?

A steak through their heart.

A man has dinner at a chinese restaurant

The man says to the chef:
"Gee, this steak is rubbery!" And the chef replies "thank you very much!"

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

I like my sex how I like my steak

rare

My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.

The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.

The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate.
The barman replies: three quid.
The guy then asked: do you own this pub?
The barman replies: no.
The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low.
The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife.
The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife?
The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.

A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.

In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.

The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.

"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"

The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank fΓΌr die guten abend"

Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant

"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.

"I'll have the steak", says Putin.

"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.

"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.

Pie rates of the Caribbean joke

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for Β£1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for Β£1.60 and an apple pie for Β£2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you Β£2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is Β£1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for Β£1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at Β£2.50, but you can two for Β£3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is Β£2.25, or two for Β£3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for Β£2, or two for Β£3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for Β£2.75, or two (any combination) for Β£4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

Whats the difference between a steak, an egg, and a blow job?

You can beat your meat and beat an egg, but you sure cant beat a blow job

A man walked into a pub.....

A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

What about the mad cow?

A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and
go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp."

The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well."

The waiter, a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?"

The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself."

What is a vampires least favorite food?

Steak!


...I'll see myself out now.

Lenny is a righteous man who devotes his life to charity work ...

Every week, he prays to god that he should win the lottery. "god, I don't desire much and I do your work on this earth, but I've never enjoyed the material things--a large house, fast car, steak dinners, that deep down I want to enjoy.

Finally one week Lenny breaks down and says during his weekly prayer, "god, I've been your loyal servant for 50 years committing myself to your work--feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, and providing work to the poor! Please the lottery is at an all time high and I've never won so much as 100 dollars!"

All of a sudden the heavens open and a booming voice echoes, LENNNY... HELP ME OUT... BUY A FUCKIN' TICKET...

My friend asked what he should dress his 1 yr old daughter up as for halloween.

I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"

I told him, no a giant Miss Steak

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

How do you like your steak

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Why are steak puns so rare?

Because they are never well done.

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

Sex is like steak

you may enjoy it raw but that's how you get diseases

Happy Hour

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents."

The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?"

Bartender replies: "Two cents."

The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?"

Bartender replies again: "Two cents."

The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the manager?"

Bartender replies: "No, he's upstairs with my wife."

Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?"

Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

I cooked for my fiancΓ©e's parents for the first time

As I handed out the rarely cooked steak Harry (her father) said, "I like it well done."

I said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

What do you call a rock climbing cow?

A high steak situation

JUST Jokes::MAD COW CONCERN::

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

Becoming a vegetarian...

.....Is a big missed steak

A short man walks into a bar

Upon walking in, something drips on him from the ceiling. He looks up and sees a piece of steak. He asks the bartender why there's a steak on the ceiling.

The bartender tells him if he could jump up and touch the steak, he gets free drinks for the rest of the night. If he misses, he pays for everyone's drink.

The man looks at the steak, then back at the bartender and says....

'The steaks are too high.'

The butcher's wife always messes up everyone's order.

We call her Miss Steak.

New dad as of today, so here is my first dad joke.

What do you call it when you accidentally butcher your heifer instead of your steer? A Ms. Steak.

i found out how to kill vegetarian vampires

a steak to the heart

A man and a woman go out to dinner...

This is during the time the Mad Cow disease ravished Britain. A man and a woman are sitting at a table when the waiter approaches them, asking "what would you like for dinner?"

The man replies, I'll have a fat juicy steak, medium rare with all the trimmings. Gravy and roast potatoes please. The waiter asks "what about the mad cow?"

To which the man replies
"Nahh she'll just have fish"

Jokes from my Nana: what do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak.

What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow.
Thanks Nana.

A husband and wife went out to dinner

A husband and wife went out to dinner. They settled in a nice steak restaurant and begin ordering. The man told the waiter, "I would like a regular sirloin steak." The waiter asks, "and the doneness?" The man says, " I would like it bloody-rare." The concerned waiter asks, "what about Mad-Cow?" The man replies, "Oh, she can order for herself."

kids eat free today

Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i'll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.

There aren't many books on how to cook steak

It's a rare medium done well.

The Bar Joke That Got Me My Bestfriend

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender...
"I'll have a beer," he says.
"That'll be a dollar", replies the bartender.
"A dollar!?", shouts the man, "In that case, I will have a steak and a burger too."
The bartender says, "That will be two dollars."
The man exclaims, "What?! Where is the owner of this bar?"
"Upstairs with my wife", says the bartender.
"What's he doing with your wife?" asks the man.
The bartender responds, "The same thing I am doing to his business."

So j made a joke up

A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.

For Christs steak Micheal.

So a guy is eating a steak dinner at a restaurant...

...when the waitress comes over and asked the man "How did you find the steak, sir?" The man looks at her and says "I just moved the potatoes."

What did the cow say about the beef industry?

I've got some steak in it.

Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless.

(The most common first comment I see for every joke is "repost". I just made this one up. If someone came up with the same punchline before, guess what, it's a coincidence. Great minds think alike)

What are the funniest steak jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Steak? Well, here are the best Steak puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Steak pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes