The Best 60 Stays Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Stays jokes. There are some stays indefinitely jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stays stay at home dad puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Stays Jokes and Puns

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?

...Stays up all night pondering the existence of a dog

Stays joke, What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Pati O'Furniture

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

~ Infinite Jest, by DFW


What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

...A tea bag stays in the cup longer!

#FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL

What goes all around the world but stays in one corner the entire time?

Stamps!

Stays joke, What goes all around the world but stays in one corner the entire time?

So two boys are by the lake...

...and see a naked women. One runs away crying while the other stays.

Later, they meet up and the one that stayed said, "Why did you run away like that?"

"Mummy said if I saw a naked women I would turn to stone, and I felt something going hard!"

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

What do you get when you cross a dylexsic, insomiac and a agnostic?

Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.

What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture

You can explore stays hides reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stays moves dad jokes. There are also stays puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A man gets on a train to go to Scotland for business...

When he arrives, it's raining. He stays for three whole weeks and the rain never stops. When he finally returns to the train station, he see's a young boy. He goes up to him and says "Excuse me, does it ever stop raining here?" The boy replies "I'm not sure, I'm only 5 years old."

A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages.

He says, "In some languages, a double negative stays negative, while in English, a double negative becomes a positive. There is no language, however, where a double positive becomes a negative."

A student at the back of the class says, "Yeah, right."

If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

What's Irish and stays out on your deck?

Paddy O'furniture

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

Stays joke, Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

what travels around the world but stays in one corner?

postage stamp

I got my little brother a Cisformer for his birthday

It's like a transformer, but it starts out as a car and stays that way

Bacon tree

Two soldiers are sat on top of a hill looking for targets. One says to the other

"Hey bob, is that...is that a bacon tree?"

"I don't know Jim, go have a look while I stay here and cover our backs"

Jim goes for a closer look and Bob stays on the hill eating his lunch. After a while Jim returns with about ten arrows in his chest.

"My god what happened? Was it a bacon tree?"

"No Bob, turned out to be a ham bush"


The login input fields spend the night at a hotel. Password stays for breakfast.

Username checks out.

A man walks into a bar

... and stays there my entire childhood.

My father walks into a bar...

And stays there for the rest of my childhood.

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

A paranoid man stays at a hotel,

As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".

My little Hamster is such a laugh!!

He just stays in there on that circle thing going round and round and round for ages until ...

*DING* Then I take him out of the Microwave.

What do you call a pet Ewok that stays inside?

An Endor pet

What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.

Stoner goes to the doctor

A stoner goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. Stoner says ok but he can't miss the final tonight.

What does Thor do to sneak around and avoid being noticed?

He stays Loki.

Yo mama is so fat

She stays really warm in the cold. So she usually lends me her jackets in the winter.
What a nice person :)

Which actress stays consistent, especially in the winter time?

Eva Green

My wife has started doing this really odd thing during sex.

She stays awake.

What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do?

Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between Enland, and a teabag?...

Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than Enland

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

A group of lads go out for a night and then go to a cowboy themed bar.

When they go in they see that the bar has installed a spinning bull. They all have a go and the bull spins them around and they all fall off within 30 seconds.Up steps paddy and he jumps on the bull and he stays on for 10 minutes before falling off . The rest of the lads ask how he managed to stay on for so long and he replies

"my wifes epileptic"

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"

The other guy stays speechless for a while. "she... was studying for a test, for physics. She needed random numbers to calculate velocity."

What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic do?

Stays up at night sleepless, wondering endlessly if there really is a dog.

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

what is the difference between Las Vegas and Wuhan?

what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

The King of Spain has sequestered himself on his private jet until his Covid-19 results come back

The reign in Spain stays mainly on the plane.

I wish Corona could have started in Las Vegas...

Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

There are three skunks. Mama, In, and Out.

In always stays inside, and Out always stays outside.

One day In went out and Out went in.

Mama soon called for the boys, but only Out came.

"Go find your brother." she ordered.

Out came back with In in less than five minutes.

"How did you do it so fast?" Mama asked.

Out simply replied, "Instincts."



(if you dont get it, read it aloud.)

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

I wish the Coronavirus started in Las Vegas

because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Newton, Einstein and Pascal meet in Heaven.

They're bored, so Einstein suggests they play hide and seek. Einstein starts counting to 10. Pascal runs to find a good hiding spot, Newton on the other hand stays in place. He draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square with chalk on the ground and stands in it. Einstein finished counting, turns around, notices Newton and says: Ha, gotcha Newton! , but Newton just replies: Nah man, you got Pascal.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

I know this isn't original but it's my favorite lol

In the spirit of St. Paddy's...What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

I wish Covid-19 started in Las Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night thinking about Dog.

What do you call an insomniac agnostic with dyslexia?

Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there really is a *dog*.

In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.

Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?

A: A hole

Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?

A: Post office

Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?

A: A coffin

Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?

A: A stamp

Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?

A: A fence

Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?

A: Envelope

I just got myself a Motown fridge

It stays at a steady Three Degrees, Four Tops.

My dentist gives me a new toothbrush every check up which is nice because I save them for when a lady stays the night.

So far I have about a dozen of them saved up.

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disabled guy in a wheelchair pass by a magic lake.

Just for fun, they decide to try out this supposedly miraculous lake. The blind guy stumbles in first and stays around in the water for a while, Then he comes out, bouncing with joy, saying "My sight has returned! I can see now!". The deaf guy went in right after and took a swim. He came out just as happy. "I can hear everything again!" The disabled guy in the wheelchair drives in, splashes around and then comes out, beaming and cheerful. "Guys, I have new tires!"

What does an agnostic, insomniac and dyslexic person do at night?

He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stays takes jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working stays rests piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes