Stays Jokes

What are some Stays jokes?

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

A man walks into a bar

... and stays there my entire childhood.

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

What's Irish and stays out on your deck?

Paddy O'furniture

What do you get when you cross a dylexsic, insomiac and a agnostic?

Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.

A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages.

He says, "In some languages, a double negative stays negative, while in English, a double negative becomes a positive. There is no language, however, where a double positive becomes a negative."

A student at the back of the class says, "Yeah, right."

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Pati O'Furniture

I got my little brother a Cisformer for his birthday

It's like a transformer, but it starts out as a car and stays that way

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture

What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.

What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

...A tea bag stays in the cup longer!


#FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL

What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic do?

Stays up at night sleepless, wondering endlessly if there really is a dog.

What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do?

Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A paranoid man stays at a hotel,

As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

Bob, John, Fred and James were golfing....

They're on the 13th fairway and Fred is about to take his approach shot when a funeral procession turns the corner and proceeds down the road parallel to the fairway. Fred lays his club down and takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. He stays like this until the hearse at the end of the procession is out of sight. The other guys look on in awe stuned at Fred's act. James finally says: "Fred, that was very touching of you to honor the dead in such a fashion." Fred replies: "Yep, we would have been married 22 years next month."

A cowboy walks into a bar

In the bar, he sees a woman he's never met before, so he goes over to talk to her.

"Who are you?". The woman tells him "I'm a lesbian", and the cowboy, confused, asks her what that means. "You see, I love women. I'm always thinking about women, and I want to sleep with women all the time."

So the cowboy, interested by the woman's explanation, stays quietly thinking about what he heard. A tourist walks into the bar and sees the cowboy, and he excitedly asks "Hey man are you a real cowboy?".

The cowboy replies "That's what I thought all my life, son... but I think I'm a lesbian."

What's Your Poison?

There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'

'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss is outraged and fires me.

When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.'

'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

Two blind pilots are on a plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

What goes all around the world but stays in one corner the entire time?

Stamps!

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.

To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

~ Infinite Jest, by DFW

Bacon tree

Two soldiers are sat on top of a hill looking for targets. One says to the other

"Hey bob, is that...is that a bacon tree?"

"I don't know Jim, go have a look while I stay here and cover our backs"

Jim goes for a closer look and Bob stays on the hill eating his lunch. After a while Jim returns with about ten arrows in his chest.

"My god what happened? Was it a bacon tree?"

"No Bob, turned out to be a ham bush"

A blonde sees a man carrying a thermos

A blonde sees a man carrying a thermos and becomes perplexed.

"What is that? "

"A thermos."

"What does it do?"

"It keeps a hot thing hot, and a cold thing cold."

"I don't understand."

"If I put coffee in here, the coffee stays hot. If I put ice cream in here, it stays cold."

The blonde is amazed and buys one for herself. The following day, one of her friends spots her with her brand new thermos.

"What is that? "

"A thermos."

"What does it do?"

"It keeps a hot thing hot, and a cold thing cold."

"So what did you put in it?"

"Coffee and ice cream."

what travels around the world but stays in one corner?

postage stamp

A man gets on a train to go to Scotland for business...

When he arrives, it's raining. He stays for three whole weeks and the rain never stops. When he finally returns to the train station, he see's a young boy. He goes up to him and says "Excuse me, does it ever stop raining here?" The boy replies "I'm not sure, I'm only 5 years old."

The difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician

An engineer and a mathematician volunteer for a test, they are both led into a large room with nothing but a naked woman at the far end. Both men are told they can do anything they want to the woman but they can only move half the distance closer whenever the tester blows a whistle.

"What's the point? I'll never get to her!" the mathematician says and leaves the room in frustration. The engineer stays but is queried as to why by the tester.

"Sooner or later I'll be close enough for most practical purposes."

If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam...

A priest, a rabbi and an imam are walking through a field discussing the glory of God. The priest comes up with an idea.

"Let's draw a circle on the ground and throw all our money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle, God can keep."

The imam says, "I have an even better idea. Let's draw the same circle on the ground and throw all our money in the air. Except this time, whatever lands outside the circle, God can keep."

The rabbi exclaims, "I have the best idea. Let's throw all our money in the air and whatever stays up there, God can keep."



Hope this didn't offend.

My father walks into a bar...

And stays there for the rest of my childhood.

The login input fields spend the night at a hotel. Password stays for breakfast.

Username checks out.

So two boys are by the lake...

...and see a naked women. One runs away crying while the other stays.

Later, they meet up and the one that stayed said, "Why did you run away like that?"

"Mummy said if I saw a naked women I would turn to stone, and I felt something going hard!"

A group of lads go out for a night and then go to a cowboy themed bar.

When they go in they see that the bar has installed a spinning bull. They all have a go and the bull spins them around and they all fall off within 30 seconds.Up steps paddy and he jumps on the bull and he stays on for 10 minutes before falling off . The rest of the lads ask how he managed to stay on for so long and he replies

"my wifes epileptic"

So a family of moles wakes up one morning to the smell of pancakes...

The father mole heads up to check things out. From the entrance to their den, the smell is a lot stronger, but being naturally skittish, he stays in the doorway. "This smells great!" he said. "It smells like pancakes and warm syrup!"

Her curiosity piqued, the mother mole joins the father in the door. "How lovely! It smells like waffles and hot jam! "

The baby is trying to grab a spot at the door as well, but his parents are blocking the whole entry. After a couple minutes of futility, the baby mole sits down and says "Well, all I smell is Molasses."

My wife has started doing this really odd thing during sex.

She stays awake.

Stiffy worm

A grandfather is watching his grandson playing in the yard and asks what is he doing.

The grandson says:

- I'm shoving the worms back into their hole.

- And how can you do it if the worm is all limp and flaccid?

- It's a secret grandfather!

- I'll give you 10 bucks if you teach me how to do it.

- Well, I'll spread some wood glue, stretch the worm, wait until it dries and stays hard and then just put it in the hole.

- Take your 10 bucks.

The next day the grandfather goes to the kid, takes $100 from his pocket and gives to the grandson.

- Grandfather, have you forgotten? You already gave me $10 yesterday.

- I know. Those $100 are from your grandmother.

A guy at a bar is just looking at his drink... (Long)

...He stays like that for about half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes his drink, and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another one.' The man says, 'No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep and got late to work. My boss is outraged and fires me. When I leave to go to my car, I found it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

Yo mama is so fat

She stays really warm in the cold. So she usually lends me her jackets in the winter.
What a nice person :)

What do you call a pet Ewok that stays inside?

An Endor pet

Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"

The other guy stays speechless for a while. "she... was studying for a test, for physics. She needed random numbers to calculate velocity."

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between Enland, and a teabag?...


Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than Enland

My therapist told me a joke about two southern bells.

So two southern bells grow up in a small town in the south and when they finish high school, one moves up to the north for school and the other stays in the town and marries her high school sweet heart.


Years later, the first one comes back to town to visit her friend who happens to be quite the big shot now. The two meet at the train station and the rich woman says:


"Deeear, do you see that Cadillac?"

"Oh yes I do, it is a nice car."

"My husband bought me that car after the successful birth of our first male-born-son."

"How nice."


The two then go to the town square where they see a big statue.


"Deeear, do you see that statue?"

"Why yes, it looks an awful lot like yourself."

"Yes, my husband bought me that statue after the successful birth of our second male-born-son."

"How nice."


Finally, they arrive at the rich woman's house and see that it is a giant mansion with gardeners and everything.


"Deeear, do you see that mansion?"

"Why yes, it is very extravagant!"

"My husband bought me this mansion after the successful birth of our third male-born-son."

"How nice."

"Well what has your husband bought for you?"

"He put me through finishing school."

"Oh my, finishing school? Well what did you learn there?"

"I learned to say 'how nice' when I really mean '*fuck you*'."

A wife and her lover laying in her bed

Then they suddenly hear steps outside of the room. "Quickly, get out! That's my husband" she says and opens the window. The lover climbs out and stays outside in the rain, not knowing what to do for a while. Eventually a group of joggers comes into sight. Trying not to look akwardly standing naked infront of a window he decides to join them.

"So, do you, ahm, always jog naked, sir?" one of the group asks. "Yes," the lover replies. "With a condom on, too?" - "No" he says after a brief moment. "Only when it's raining."

What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?

...Stays up all night pondering the existence of a dog

Perfect memory

A man is driving cross country and pulls into a rest stop. As he's about to leave a traveling side show gets out of their truck. The bearded lady, the midget, the guy tattooed to look like a tiger all file out and head into the rest stop and an old Indian stays behind.

The man walks up to the Indian and says "what's your bit, you look totally normal."

"I have perfect memory. Ask me anything."

"Alright. What did you have for breakfast June 17, 1983?"

"Eggs"

Satisfied with the answer the man walks back to his car and drives off.

A few years later he's at a circus and he sees the same side-show. He seeks out the old Indian and greets him by saying "How"

"Scrambled"

What does Thor do to sneak around and avoid being noticed?

He stays Loki.

My little Hamster is such a laugh!!

He just stays in there on that circle thing going round and round and round for ages until ...

*DING* Then I take him out of the Microwave.

A married man goes to a motel with his lover

And all of a sudden finds his father-in-law's car in the parking lot. In an attempt to prank him, he keys the car all around. After that, he goes with his lover and stays a few hours at the motel. Later, he payes a visit to his father-in-law as a surprise, and finds him very upset.

-What's wrong?- the man asks, forcing himself not to laugh.

-Awful stuff-he replies- My daughter borrowed my car to go to church, and all of a sudden returned it keyed all around!

Which actress stays consistent, especially in the winter time?

Eva Green

Stoner goes to the doctor

A stoner goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. Stoner says ok but he can't miss the final tonight.

A few Irish Jokes

With an Irish joke being posted earlier, I'll add a few of my Irish one liners.

What do you call the Irish man who hangs from the ceiling?

Shaun D'Leer


What do you call the Irish cowboy?

Rick O'Shea


What do you call the Irish Indian?

Tom O'Hawk

What do you call the Irish man who stays outside all night?

Patty O'Furniture

(this one is a repeat from the earlier thread)

An Anti-vaxxer walks into a bar...

He stays sober and wants to go back home, but there's a bridge that comes in the way.

I tell him, "There is a 1 percent chance of the bridge breaking."

The anti-vaxxer jumped into the water and started swimming.

A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody:

"I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!"
So everybody gets scared and runs away.
Only one person stays.
The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!"
And the other guy says: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."

I have an Irish uncle that stays outside all the time.

We call him Paddy O' Furniture.

Happy St Paddy's!

How to make Stays jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Stays to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Stays? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Stays pick up lines to share with friends.

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