Staying Awake Jokes
31 staying awake jokes and hilarious staying awake puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about staying awake that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Staying Awake Short Jokes
Short staying awake jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The staying awake humour may include short stay awake jokes also.
- My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with "Only with you babe..." I replied
"Awww, really?"
"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake." - What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
- My uncle's wife... My uncle's wife used to stay awake at night planning how to take the law into her own hands.
She was my vigilauntie. - I'm an insomniac agnostic who suffers from dyslexia. I stay awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
- What do you call an insomniac agnostic with dyslexia? Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there really is a *dog*.
- My wife asked me if she was the only one I had slept with and I said yes. I stayed awake the whole night with the rest of them.
- How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy? Do some light speed.
- What does an agnostic man with insomnia and dyslexia do in his free time? He stays awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.
- they say ambien gives you bad dreams if you try to stay awake after you take it but I am convinced that it is actually due to all these flying fire spiders
- There was a man who would stay awake 48 hours straight every Saturday and Sunday from midnight to midnight. When asked why he did it, he said Sleep is for the week.
Share These Staying Awake Jokes With Friends
Staying Awake One Liners
Which staying awake one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with staying awake? I can suggest the ones about staying up late and staying alive.
- People think staying awake all weekend is unhealthy ...but really, sleep is for the week
- What do you call a criminal trying to stay awake? Resisting a rest.
- Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
- You want me to stay awake for 48 hours? Pfff, I'll do it in my sleep
- What's the deal with the Z Fighters? They aren't fighting to stay awake!
- My wife has started doing this really odd thing during s**.... She stays awake.
Staying Awake Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about staying awake you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean staying in bed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make staying awake pranks.
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
Men's Helpline
Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
The Drums Must Not Stop
A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.
The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.
That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.
That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"
The chief replied, "Bass solo."
Men's Help Line
MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
Doctor tells a man that he will die by the next morning
The man goes home and tells his wife about this and asks her to stay awake the whole night so they can talk about all the good memories they share.
The wife starts to fall asleep after some time. The man asks "Why are you falling asleep?"
The wife replies "You don't have to wake up tomorrow morning, but I do!"
Cops are now beating up African-Americans who stay awake too long…
They say that they won't tolerate b**... who are resisting a rest…
I was having trouble staying awake at work but my coworker beat me to the last cup of coffee in the p**....
It's like they say: if you lose you snooze.
An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...
At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. As he's coming to, the idiot rubs his head and finds he has no hair. "That barber is a right m**...!" he exclaims, "He's got it all wrong and woken the bald man instead of me!"
(this joke from the Philogelos, is over a thousand years old
A dad walks by his son's bedroom...
And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.
The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides it's just coincidence.
That night, the kid prayed again. "God bless mommy and daddy. Tata, grandma." He is a little worried, but decides to brush it off.
The next morning, grandma is dead. He is starting to freak out now, and decides to wait by the bedroom door when the kid prays again.
"God bless mommy. Tata, daddy." He absolutely flipped out, stayed awake that night and went to the doctor in the morning. When he got back, he found his wife waiting for him. And she said,
"Thank god you're here! I found the milkman dead on the porch this morning!"
I think my wife is cheating on me
I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, Just some friends from work, you don't know them.
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?