stay Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious stay stories

What are the best Stay puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Stay? Well here is a complete list of Stay dad jokes:

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.


A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."Β 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"


A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: Why did you stay put?

I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start


My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."


Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."


a nice Italian couple . . .

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka
her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."


One from Australia for you…

The Mrs and I had a huge bust up. She screamed at me to pack my bags and GTFO.

I was all packed up and about to get out the door when she said "I wish you a long and painful death, you bastard!"

"So, what? You want me to stay now?" I replied.


Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."


Do you know how to have sex?

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.


The CEO of Apple came out gay...

Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight


The big bed...

Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,

"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,

"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!"

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,

"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!"

The man who slept in the middle says,

"I had a dream that I was skiing!"


A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, chugs it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.

Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"

Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."


I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.

He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.


How is the porn industry different from every other career?

It's the only job where you have to stay late if you come early.


A man opens the door for his moother-in-law

And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"

The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."

"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"


A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"


A conversation between my mother and my wife.

Wife: Hi mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?
Mother-in-Law: As long as you want me to...
Wife: What! you wont even stay for coffee?


My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"


A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they can stay submerged for up to a year"

As the American opens his mouth to voice his reply, he's suddenly interrupted as a massive submarine surfaces right in front of them.A man steps out, looks at them and screams: "Heil Hitler, have we won ze war?"


The ventriloquist...

...and his dummy were getting big laughs with their repertoire of blonde jokes.

Midway through the act, a blonde woman in the audience stood up and yelled, "This is offensive! Is it right to stereotype people by their race? No! Is it right to stereotype people by their religion? No! So why is it okay to stereotype women by their hair color? I'm a blonde, and I'M not stupid!"

"I'm sorry, Miss," said the ventriloquist. "I certainly didn't mean any offense."

"You stay out of this, buddy," said the blonde. "I'm talking to that little smartass on your knee!"


My math-oriented co-worker just broke this one out

A man stumbles upon a frog while walking home. While looking at the frog, it starts to speak to him.

"Hello!", it says, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman!"

The man smiles, puts the frog into his pocket and continues on his way. A few hours later, he hears the voice of the frog, and takes it out to see what it wants.

"Remember, If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman. I will stay the night with you!" The man smiles and puts it back into his pocket.

The next day, he hears the frog speaking again. He takes it out to see what it wants.

"If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman, and I will do absolutely anything you want!" The man smiles once more and puts the frog back into his pocket.

The frog sighs. He calls up to the man and says aloud, "I just don't understand. Why don't you want me to turn into a beautiful woman?"

"Because I'm an engineer, I don't have time for girlfriends", the man says. "But a talking frog is pretty damn cool."


If you don't like the way women drive,

Stay off the sidewalk.


Stay Positive.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

In English, he said, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.


A wealthy couple are out to dinner

While they are at their table, a spectacularly beautiful young woman walks up, kisses the husband, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away.

The wife says, "Just who the hell was that?"

"Oh, that's my mistress, Lillian."

"Your mistress! And she flaunts herself in public like this! That's it, I want a divorce!"

"Think about that for a minute, dear. I care about you very much, and very much want us to stay together. Remember, we have a firm prenup, and if we get divorced you won't be destitute, but there certainly won't be any more private jets, or household staff, or shopping trips to Paris, or winters at the house in the islands, or any of the many things we enjoy about our life together."

She sits quietly through the next course, then says, "Look, isn't that Ted from the club? Who's that young woman he's with?"

"Oh, that's his mistress. Natasha or something like that."

"I see. Ours is prettier."


The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?


She left me a note...

I will never understand my wife, she is so sensitive.
I come home from work last night and she'd left a note on the fridge...

"It's no good Harry, it's just not working. I am going to stay at my mums for a few days."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was stone cold.
What the fuck?


A man was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and...

...said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful woman I will stay with you for an entire week!"

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it in to his pocket.

The frog cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a woman, I'll stay with you for a year."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful woman and that I'd stay with you for a year. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said: "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."


Jon is having "stamina" trouble with his wife.

So one night, he asks his good friend Billy for advice.

"Billy, I just can't stay hard. I come too soon. I don't know what to do."

"Once you're hard, slam your dick on the dresser a few times. It'll be so numb, you won't feel a thing, and will go for hours!"

Jon gets hard just thinking about it. He goes home, gets naked, and starts slamming his dick against his wooden dresser with a THUD THUD THUD, when he hears his wife's voice from the bathroom -

"Billy, is that you?"


A ventriloquist goes to stay on a farm....

A ventriloquist goes to stay on a farm and is receiving a tour from the farmer,as they approach the first field full of horses the ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the farmer.
He walks upto a horse and says "so hows things on the farm?"
Throwing his voice and pretending to be the horse he replies "Yeah,not bad the farmer feeds us well and looks after us"
The farmer is absolutely speechless by this,
The ventriloquist walks off towards the next field which is full of sheep,
The farmer immediately runs after him in a state of panic shouting "DONT LISTEN TO THEM THEY ARE ALL LYING BASTARDS!!"....


Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"


Two guys are playing tennis.

After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy. At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a urine sample, and the machine will tell you what's wrong and how to cure it. The friend is astonished so he goes down. He puts in the $5 and a urine sample and the machine prints out a little sheet of paper. On the paper it says: You have tennis elbow, rest your elbow, stay away from strenuous activity, and it should go away. This guy is amazed. He drives home quickly, thinking he can test the machine. So, he grabs a big glass. He puts some tap water in, gets his wife and daughter to pee in it, and just for fun he masturbates into it. He goes back down puts in $5 and the sample. A large list prints out. It says: You have hard water get, a water softener, your daughter is addicted to heroin, get her into rehab, your wife is cheating on you, get a lawyer, and if you don't quit masturbating your tennis elbow is never going to go away.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.


A Card

Man, am I scared! confided Paddy to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.

Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.

How can I? moaned Paddy, he did not sign his name.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.L

Then it dawned on me.


What's the worst part about pissing outside in the winter?

Getting a 2 inch dick out of 3 inches of clothing.

Stay warm out there!


Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons...

It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.


A man is about to die

His end is near, his wife is by his bed, holding his hand. No doctor was able to find out what exactly made the man so sick.
Suddenly, the man starts to cry. He sobs:
"Darling, I have to tell you something before I die."
She holds his hand even tighter and says:
"Shh, stay calm. You don't have to do anything!"
But he insists:
"Darling, I made mistakes. I slept with your best friend."
She stays calm:
"It's ok, don't worry about that."
He continues:
"I also slept with your sister."
His wife still remains calm, again she says:
"Honey, it's ok. Don't worry about that."
He tears up once more and confesses:
"I... also slept with your mom..."
His wife smiles at him, says:
"Honey, I know all of that. Now calm down and let that poison finish its job."


Fords coming out with heated tailgates.

So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it home.


Ugly Faces

One fine day in a preschool....
Child: -makes ugly faces-
Teacher: Stop it
Child: Why?
Teacher: When I was your age, my teacher told me if I make ugly faces, it'll stay that way
Child: Oh, you didn't listen did you?


Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:

"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"

The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.

She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"


Princess and the Frog - er, *Engineer* and the frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?
The engineer said, Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.


Little Johnny

Johnny's mom is in the kitchen and she decides to check on her son who is playing in the living room.

Little Johnny is playing with his train set, he pulls the train into the station and says, "Whoever needs to get the hell off the train, and who ever needs to come on the train get the hell on."

Little Johnny's mom is furious and pulls him by the arm and throws him in his room and says to him, "You will stay in here until you learn not to curse."

3 hours go by and little Johnny comes out of his room and says to his mother that he learned his lesson.
Little Johnny goes back to his train and he says, "All passengers please climb aboard the train." He watches his mother smile and walk back into the kitchen and then start to wash the dishes.

Little Johnny then turns to his train and says; "If anyone was wondering about the 3 hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen."


There were 3 Chinese men...

Han, Chan and Fan were planning on migrating to the USA.

They all wanted to assimilate as quickly as possible, so they decided to adopt more traditional American sounding names.

Han decided that he would be Huck.

Chan decided that he would be Chuck.

And Fan...well Fan decided that he`d stay in China.


My uncle's wife...

My uncle's wife used to stay awake at night planning how to take the law into her own hands.

She was my vigilauntie.


What do you get when you're agnostic, dyslexic, and an insomniac?

You stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.


A dictator takes over a village...

He says, "Everyone who is not in a relationship, you are free to go. As for everyone else, stay here." The people do what he says.

The dictator continues, "All the men, get in a line and get naked, all of the women, get a blindfold." The townspeople follow procedure.

The dictator then says "All women, you will go down the line and find your significant other. You will do this by giving a blowjob to him."

The first woman goes down the line. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, found him!" They both leave.

The second woman goes down the line. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, found him!" They both leave.

The third woman goes down the line. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, not from this village, not mine..."


What did one hat say to the other?

"You stay here, I'll go on ahead...."


What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?

Stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

And then it dawned on me.


The Lotto Winner

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife

What would you do if I won the Lotto?

I'd take my half and leave you she says.

"Great he says.

I won $12 yesterday! Here's $6. Stay in touch!



You've red some of the best stay jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about stay. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty stay gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these stay jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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