Stay Jokes
166 stay jokes and hilarious stay puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stay that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the latest humorous jokes about hospital stays, pat stays, staying safe, staying at home, staying cool, staying hydrated, and more. Whether it's time to leave or remain cozy, here are some clever stay jokes to make you smile.
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Funniest Stay Short Jokes
Short stay jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stay humour may include short stand jokes also.
- Since this is the first year that I've remembered my cake day, here's my four year old's favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
- At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
- What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;) - With all the negativity in the world today... ...at least charlie sheen is staying positive.
- Jesus died for your sins. But did He stay dead?
At most, He lost a weekend for your sins. - My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home." I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
- What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of) - My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered... "Swarm."
- Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
surgeon: "I know, I am" - My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape Maybe I won't stick with this one either.
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Stay One Liners
Which stay one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stay? I can suggest the ones about steady and keeping.
- Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter? Swarm
- I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me
- How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car? Tell them to stay inside the car.
- A man walks into a bar ... and stays there my entire childhood.
- Why do spies never use capitalization? They like to stay low-key.
- My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats... But it's 2017 and I'll date who I want
- What kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time? A subwoofer
- 2019: Stay away from negative People 2020: Stay away from positive people
- Trinity: "I really can't stay." Neo: "Baby it's code outside."
- How to always stay positive in life: | life |
- Never give up on your dreams... Stay in bed.
- What's Irish and stays out all night? Pati O'Furniture
- The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting "Stay off the grass."
- My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight So I've made up a bed for him
- Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs? Because only the top 1% can stay above water.
Stay At Home Jokes
Here is a list of funny stay at home jokes and even better stay at home puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If there's anyone out there who has no family and is planning to stay home alone this Thanksgiving, please let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.
- Fords coming out with heated tailgates. So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it home.
- TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV. It was *Ellen* or rugby.
- after 3 weeks of lockdon I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself
- My girlfriend asked, "Why do we always stay home for dinner and never eat out?" Obviously if I was any good at eating out, then you wouldn't be complaining about staying home.
- My wife is angry because she thinks I'm letting birds make a home in my beard. They're obviously not staying though. It's just a Hairbnb.
- Over a year ago, I left a full load in my friends dishwasher when I stayed at his home. Lucky me, he's the father.
- Why did the motorcycle stay at home? It was two-tired
- What do you say when your lesbian daughter brings home her girlfriend? "Are you going to be staying for dinner or eating out?"
- The thought of going home to my wife makes work much easier for me. Think of all the stress I avoid by staying in the office.
Stay Cool Jokes
Here is a list of funny stay cool jokes and even better stay cool puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How does ChatGPT stay cool? By running its algorithms.
- The hotel I stayed in recently tried to charge me $10 for using the A/C. That wasn't cool.
- How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
- How does a detective stay cool in hot summer? He works on a cold case.
- A day without you is like a day with sunshine but I'm a ginger, so, you know, it's cool if you just stay away.
- How do women in the workplace stay cool? A glass ceiling fan.
- Man, people in LA have been so nice the last two days... ... they keep telling me at work , aren't you hot and stay cool!
- How do footballers stay cool? They stand near the fans
- You know what I hate about physicists? Those guys don't know how to stay cool under pressure
- A student with pneumonia had to stay home She was... too cool for school
Stay Warm Jokes
Here is a list of funny stay warm jokes and even better stay warm puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was a kid we were so poor! We were so poor that in the winter time we had to gather around our sickest sibling just to stay warm.
- When I was kid, and we'd go sledding on a cold snowy day, Ya know how often I had to rub my hands together to stay warm? Intermittenly.
- Where does a general put his hands to stay warm In his privates.
- What does article of clothing does a puppy wear to stay warm? A scARF!
- What does a bull do to stay warm on a cold day? It goes into a barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey.
- How do dragons in Antarctica stay warm? They always have several lairs.
- Northeast Humor What do you call it when eskimoes hook up to stay warm?
Netflix and Windchill - How can meteorologists stay on top of the global warming issue? They climate.
- So how do monks stay warm in the snow covered peaks and whatnot? they have a shawl in temple
Stay Awake Jokes
Here is a list of funny stay awake jokes and even better stay awake puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with "Only with you babe..." I replied
"Awww, really?"
"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake." - What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
- My uncle's wife... My uncle's wife used to stay awake at night planning how to take the law into her own hands.
She was my vigilauntie. - People think staying awake all weekend is unhealthy ...but really, sleep is for the week
- How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy? Do some light speed.
- they say ambien gives you bad dreams if you try to stay awake after you take it but I am convinced that it is actually due to all these flying fire spiders
- There was a man who would stay awake 48 hours straight every Saturday and Sunday from midnight to midnight. When asked why he did it, he said Sleep is for the week.
- What do you call a criminal trying to stay awake? Resisting a rest.
- Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
- You want me to stay awake for 48 hours? Pfff, I'll do it in my sleep
Hospital Stay Jokes
Here is a list of funny hospital stay jokes and even better hospital stay puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.
- I got kicked out of the hospital because I told the Covid patients to stay positive
Uproarious Stay Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about stay you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean halt jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stay pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For anyone attending Stan Lee's f**......
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men's Helpline
Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
The Drums Must Not Stop
A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.
The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.
That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.
That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"
The chief replied, "Bass solo."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wrong Email
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
You aren't a monk.
A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Lady barges into radio shack
She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:
"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"
The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.
She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"
A conversation between my mother and my wife.
Wife: Hi mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?
Mother-in-Law: As long as you want me to...
Wife: What! you wont even stay for coffee?
Plane Ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
Ugly Faces
One fine day in a preschool....
Child: -makes ugly faces-
Teacher: Stop it
Child: Why?
Teacher: When I was your age, my teacher told me if I make ugly faces, it'll stay that way
Child: Oh, you didn't listen did you?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
African Roulette
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform o**... s**... on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
So Adam was lonely.
God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
There were 3 Chinese men...
Han, Chan and Fan were planning on migrating to the USA.
They all wanted to assimilate as quickly as possible, so they decided to adopt more traditional American sounding names.
Han decided that he would be Huck.
Chan decided that he would be Chuck.
And Fan...well Fan decided that he`d stay in China.
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The big bed...
Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,
"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."
The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.
The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,
"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman!"
The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,
"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman as well!"
The man who slept in the middle says,
"I had a dream that I was skiing!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
A man opens the door for his moother-in-law
And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"
The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."
"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Card
Man, am I scared! confided p**... to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned p**..., he did not sign his name.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons...
It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..."
"...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
A middle-aged teacher named Mrs. Jackson saw one of her first grade boys making rude faces at the preschoolers on the playground
She said "You know, Liam, when I was a little girl I was told that if I made ugly faces it might freeze and stay like that."
Liam replied "Well sorry Mrs. Jackson, but you can't say you weren't warned.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again,I'm coming to live with you."
Mom replied, no no my daughter, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A European m**... goes to an African tribe...
... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.
However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The m**... looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "
In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
My sister is an expert pastry-maker.
She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?
Now with all the kids outside, playing Pokémon.....
Dads and moms can stay inside playing Pokémom.
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two bats...
were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".
He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.
Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".
The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".
"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.
"Then you see a tree"
"Yeah"
"Well, I didn't".
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
When I was younger, my parents used to make me go stay with my grandparents at the weekend
And it was so cold in that cemetery!
I visited Stockholm
At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst advice to give someone with h**...?
Stay positive
As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...
I said, "So you want me to stay now?".
So, an Indian went to the US embassy
to get a visa for a visit to his friend placed there. When asked where he was going, he replied,"San Jose"...!
The immigration officer corrected that San Jose is pronounced ''San Hose'' ...J is pronounced as ''H''
'' So how long is your stay in San Jose?''
"7 months; from Hanuary to Huly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman threatens her boyfriend
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT
Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you m**...!"
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
A friend just returned from a visit to North Korea.
Me: How was the stay over there?
Friend: Can't complain.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm s**...".
Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
Ugly Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to have a talk with the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...
It's a good thing my brother told me about it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently, there's a new s**... position called, "delivery man"...
You stay in all day and no-one comes...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Build a man a fire, and he'll stay warm for a day...
SET a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.
Except for stay.
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
A man goes for confession ...
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
What does LGBTQ stand for in 2020
Lets get back to quarantine, obviously
Stay safe everyone
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in u**... once a day to stay alive
I am just lucky my brother told me about it
Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...
Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.
Much love from Toronto, stay safe!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
If Biden is elected, I stay in the country
If Trump is reelected, I stay in the country.
This is not a political post, I just can't leave because coronavirus.
Two pieces of Road walk into a bar
They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.
15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.
The bartender notices this and goes over to them and says I thought you two were the toughest they come, why are you scared of that small, quiet guy? They respond with:
You should be careful with him, He's a Cycle Path
Trump got COVID...
Well my wife and I don't see eye to eye politically. One was happy, the other worried... you understand. So after much debate, we came to a compromise: we sent him a get well soon card that said stay positive.
