Stay Jokes

170 stay jokes and hilarious stay puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stay that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the latest humorous jokes about hospital stays, pat stays, staying safe, staying at home, staying cool, staying hydrated, and more. Whether it's time to leave or remain cozy, here are some clever stay jokes to make you smile.

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Funniest Stay Short Jokes

Short stay jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stay humour may include short stand jokes also.

  1. Since this is the first year that I've remembered my cake day, here's my four year old's favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
  2. At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
  3. What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
    Bit of British humour right there ;)
  4. With all the negativity in the world today... least charlie sheen is staying positive.
  5. I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies? I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.
  6. My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . . As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
  7. Jesus died for your sins. But did He stay dead?
    At most, He lost a weekend for your sins.
  8. My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home." I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
  9. What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
    -first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)
  10. My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered... "Swarm."

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Stay One Liners

Which stay one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stay? I can suggest the ones about stood and remained.

  1. Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter? Swarm
  2. I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me
  3. How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car? Tell them to stay inside the car.
  4. A man walks into a bar ... and stays there my entire childhood.
  5. Why do spies never use capitalization? They like to stay low-key.
  6. The CEO of Apple came out gay... Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight
  7. My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats. I guess I should really get off Tumblr
  8. My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats. Guess I can't go on tumblr anymore.
  9. My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats... But it's 2017 and I'll date who I want
  10. What kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time? A subwoofer
  11. 2019: Stay away from negative People 2020: Stay away from positive people
  12. If you don't like the way women drive, Stay off the sidewalk.
  13. Trinity: "I really can't stay." Neo: "Baby it's code outside."
  14. How to always stay positive in life: | life |
  15. Never give up on your dreams... Stay in bed.

Stay At Home Jokes

Here is a list of funny stay at home jokes and even better stay at home puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If there's anyone out there who has no family and is planning to stay home alone this Thanksgiving, please let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.
  • Fords coming out with heated tailgates. So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it home.
  • TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV. It was *Ellen* or rugby.
  • after 3 weeks of lockdon I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself
  • My girlfriend asked, "Why do we always stay home for dinner and never eat out?" Obviously if I was any good at eating out, then you wouldn't be complaining about staying home.
  • My wife is angry because she thinks I'm letting birds make a home in my beard. They're obviously not staying though. It's just a Hairbnb.
  • Why do Jews stay home during the summer? They don't like going to camps.
  • My wife told me if I'm going to stay home, then start doing lunges to get back in shape. This would be a big step forward.
  • Why are school shooters more likely to be white people? White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.
  • Over a year ago, I left a full load in my friends dishwasher when I stayed at his home. Lucky me, he's the father.

Stay Warm Jokes

Here is a list of funny stay warm jokes and even better stay warm puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Build a man a fire, and he'll stay warm for a day... SET a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
  • Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm. However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  • It's cold outside. Give a man a jacket and he will stay warm for a day.
    Teach a man to jacket and he will never leave his house.
  • How do painters stay warm? They add another coat.
  • How do you stay warm in any room? Go into the corner, it's 90 degrees
  • Yo mama is so fat She stays really warm in the cold. So she usually lends me her jackets in the winter.
    What a nice person :)
  • When I was a kid we were so poor! We were so poor that in the winter time we had to gather around our sickest sibling just to stay warm.
  • How do you stay warm outside in the winter? You just stand in a corner, they are usually around 90 degrees.
  • Give a man a jacket and he'll stay warm all winter Teach a man to jacket and he'll stay warm his whole life
  • How does a misogynist stay warm? He uses incel-ation.
Stay joke, How does a misogynist stay warm?

Stay Cool Jokes

Here is a list of funny stay cool jokes and even better stay cool puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How does ChatGPT stay cool? By running its algorithms.
  • The hotel I stayed in recently tried to charge me $10 for using the A/C. That wasn't cool.
  • How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
  • How does a detective stay cool in hot summer? He works on a cold case.
  • A day without you is like a day with sunshine but I'm a ginger, so, you know, it's cool if you just stay away.
  • How do women in the workplace stay cool? A glass ceiling fan.
  • Man, people in LA have been so nice the last two days... ... they keep telling me at work , aren't you hot and stay cool!
  • How do footballers stay cool? They stand near the fans
  • You know what I hate about physicists? Those guys don't know how to stay cool under pressure
  • How do basketball players stay cool during a game? They stand near the fans!

Stay Awake Jokes

Here is a list of funny stay awake jokes and even better stay awake puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with "Only with you babe..." I replied
    "Awww, really?"
    "...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."
  • What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
  • My uncle's wife... My uncle's wife used to stay awake at night planning how to take the law into her own hands.
    She was my vigilauntie.
  • I'm an insomniac agnostic who suffers from dyslexia. I stay awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
  • What do you call an insomniac agnostic with dyslexia? Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there really is a *dog*.
  • People think staying awake all weekend is unhealthy ...but really, sleep is for the week
  • My wife asked me if she was the only one I had slept with and I said yes. I stayed awake the whole night with the rest of them.
  • How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy? Do some light speed.
  • What does an agnostic man with insomnia and dyslexia do in his free time? He stays awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.
  • they say ambien gives you bad dreams if you try to stay awake after you take it but I am convinced that it is actually due to all these flying fire spiders

Hospital Stay Jokes

Here is a list of funny hospital stay jokes and even better hospital stay puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.
  • I got kicked out of the hospital because I told the Covid patients to stay positive
  • I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient.. Stay positive
  • Asurgeon had been a long time hunting "d**... I didn't kill anything" he exclaimen when he got back to the hospital. "I should've just stayed here" he muttered.
Stay joke, Asurgeon had been a long time hunting

Uproarious Stay Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about stay you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean steady jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stay pranks.

For anyone attending Stan Lee's f**......

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

A conversation between my mother and my wife.

Wife: Hi mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?
Mother-in-Law: As long as you want me to...
Wife: What! you wont even stay for coffee?

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

A man opens the door for his moother-in-law

And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"
The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."
"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"

A Card

Man, am I scared! confided p**... to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned p**..., he did not sign his name.

I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.

He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..."

"...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."

I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...

He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

An employee tells his boss...

Hey, that's a nice car you have there.
The boss looks at him and says:
Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places...

...My doctor told me to stay away from those places.

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs?

Because only the top 1% can stay above water.

The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting

"Stay off the grass."

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?

Now with all the kids outside, playing Pokémon.....

Dads and moms can stay inside playing Pokémom.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

There was a b**... in my neighborhood last night

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

I visited Stockholm

At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.

What's the worst advice to give someone with h**...?

Stay positive

My girlfriend's parents are very religious

The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

So, an Indian went to the US embassy

to get a visa for a visit to his friend placed there. When asked where he was going, he replied,"San Jose"...!
The immigration officer corrected that San Jose is pronounced ''San Hose'' ...J is pronounced as ''H''
'' So how long is your stay in San Jose?''
"7 months; from Hanuary to Huly."

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"


Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you m**...!"

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

A friend just returned from a visit to North Korea.

Me: How was the stay over there?
Friend: Can't complain.

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

Jokes that say women should stay in the kitchen are so offensive...

How else are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm s**...".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It's a good thing my brother told me about it

Apparently, there's a new s**... position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
Surgeon: "I know, I am"

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight

So I've made up a bed for him

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word contagious . Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- Susan?
- I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!
- Very good. What about you, Johnny?
- Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it's gonna take the contagious!

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

My girlfriend and I are trying the whole "long distance relationship thing"

Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

My partner and I can never agree on vacations.

I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in u**... once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...

Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.

Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

If Biden is elected, I stay in the country

If Trump is reelected, I stay in the country.
This is not a political post, I just can't leave because coronavirus.

An Asian man goes on a trip to America

He goes to an American Bank to converts his money to dollars, while going through his trip he meets a generous old friend who decides to let him stay in his place and also pay for his expenses during his stay.
After a few days he decides to return back to his country and heads to the bank to convert his money back. But the asian man sees that he received less money than he previously had even though he hadn't spent anything, so he asks about this to the banker.
The banker said," fluctuations ".
The asian man replied," fluck you americans too".

Two pieces of Road walk into a bar

They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.
15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.
The bartender notices this and goes over to them and says I thought you two were the toughest they come, why are you scared of that small, quiet guy? They respond with:
You should be careful with him, He's a Cycle Path

Trump got COVID...

Well my wife and I don't see eye to eye politically. One was happy, the other worried... you understand. So after much debate, we came to a compromise: we sent him a get well soon card that said stay positive.

A man and his wife are arguing:

The wife says: "Well, I'm just gonna go stay at my mother's!"
The husband says: "Wait take me with you. I'd like to have a good meal for a change."

Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, By the way, which companies are after you? I responded, The gas, electric and cable company.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."

h**... is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as k**...

Stay joke, h**... is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus

jokes about stay