Stay At Home Jokes

A man returns home and find his wife with his best friend.
He takes out the gun and shoots his friend to death.
His wife: "Listen, if you stay in such character, you will lose all your friends."

The twins

There were two twin brothers called Juan and Jamal who had grown up and left their family to find their luck far away in two different parts of the country.
After a while, missing his sons, their father went to a trip to see them. When back home, his wife, who had stayed home, asked him about their kids.
"I went first to Juan. He is quite fine" he said.
"What about Jamal, did you visit him as well?"
"No need. If I've seen Juan, I've seen Jamal"

A lawyer is about to go home for the night...

...when a client shows up, asking for his council. The lawyer decides to stay late and work with the client. Afterwards, the client asks how much he owes for the lawyer's time.
"One hundred dollars," the lawyer responds.
The client pays him and walks out, at which point the lawyer realizes it's two hundred dollar bills stuck together. This leaves the lawyer with a moral dilemma...
Does he tell his partner?

So I got extended sick leave from my job...

What happened is I called up my boss from home, and I said, "Hey, I can't come in today. I'm coming up with something."
And the boss man says, "Don't you mean 'coming down with something?'"
I said, "Yeah, but I'm still coming up with what I'm coming down with."
Now I can stay home for as long as I want. :)

I took a girl home last night after telling her I was good with my mouth...

We stayed up all night chatting, she eventually stormed off and I'm not sure why, maybe she doesn't think I'm the cunning linguist I claimed after all?

Eddie Murphy Cosby joke - SNL joke controversy!

Eddie Murphy: But if you would have told me 30 years ago that I would be this boring, stay-at-home ... house dad and Bill Cosby would be in jail, even I would have took that bet.
Who is America's Dad now?

What do you say when your lesbian daughter brings home her girlfriend?

"Are you going to be staying for dinner or eating out?"

A man and a woman are arguing who is supposed to make coffee.

The man says, "I work and you stay at home, so you should make the coffee." The woman replies, "Well, the Bible says men are supposed to make coffee." "Really?" asks the man. The woman takes out a bible and flips to a page, then says, "See? Hebrews."

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me s**..., I would've stayed home with my wife

Was with my girlfriend yesterday..

We discussed if we should go bowling or just stay at home and chill.
Told her that I didn't want my fingers where everyone else's fingers had been.
So we went bowling.

A woman finds out her husband his cheating on her

A woman finds out her husband his cheating on her, so when the man comes home, she immediately started insulting him and throwing his belongings at him, saying she doesn't want to see him anymore and shouting at him to leave. As the husband is walking out the door, she turns to him and says I hope you die slowly and painfully. The husband replies Oh so now you want me to stay!

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."

A r**... couple from West Virginia get married..

That night, they stay in a cheap motel. Just as they're about to consummate the marriage, the woman says- "Be gentle- it's my first time."
The new husband gets dressed and storms home to tell his parents the devastating news:
"You did the right thing, son", says his father. "If she ain't good enough for her own family- she ain't good enough for ours!"

My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.

They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.

I was staying at a fancy hotel....

...and it said in the Guest Services, "Dial *75 for Turn-Down Service". So, I dialed *75.
A woman answered the phone saying, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth!"
It's nice that while I'm traveling, I can still get some things that remind me of home.

A man was ill one day and had to take the day off work

Staying home, he began to appreciate how much his wife loved him.
The wife was so thrilled to have her husband home, that when the mailman came round, for example, the wife ran outside shouting "My husband's home! My husband's home!

If I had a vaccine for every b**... news article that's been spread about by stay at home moms on Facebook

I would have autism.

The thought of going home to my wife makes work much easier for me.

Think of all the stress I avoid by staying in the office.

Boll Weavels

There were two brothers that happened to be boll weavels. One brother desired more than just to destroy crops and learned to play guitar. He got so good, he became a successful country music star.
His brother just stayed home and slept. You could say he was the lesser of two weavels.

Jack the Ripper and a lovely young lady were taking a stroll through the woods together...

as it started getting darker, the lady got closer to Jack the Ripper and said, "Stay close to me, I'm scared of the dark!" Jack replied, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk home alone!!"

Wife asks her husband to go bowling

She : "Honey do you want to go bowling tonight? We could also stay at home, make it cosy and watch a movie?"
He : "I really don't feel like putting my fingers in holes where everybody has already been with their filthy sweaty fingers.. come on let's go bowling"

A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and b**...-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast.
No one expected the Spandex intermission.

As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

"No," I replied, and went home.

Why would I want to stand outside her front door all night?

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word contagious . Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- Susan?
- I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!
- Very good. What about you, Johnny?
- Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it's gonna take the contagious!

An Anti-vaxxer walks into a bar...

He stays sober and wants to go back home, but there's a bridge that comes in the way.
I tell him, "There is a 1 percent chance of the bridge breaking."
The anti-vaxxer jumped into the water and started swimming.

Peter wakes up one morning

"I don't wanna go to the school!"
"Give me one good reason why you should stay home!"
"I can give you three: I don't like the school cafeteria's food, I don't like the teachers and I don't like the students"
"Well, Peter, I've already packed your lunch. You're 54 years old and the principal. GO TO WORK!"

One day children are learning the word contagious.

One day children are learning the word contagious. They are told to use the word in a sentence. Mary says,"I had to stay home from school because I had a contagious disease." Steve says,"My neighbor was painting the fence and my dad said it will take that contagious."

Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"
**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."
**Wife**: "What do you mean?"
**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."
**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."
**Husband**: "What do you mean?"
**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"
​
Husband stayed home all Easter.

Day 1: Staying home, avoiding social gatherings and eating food in my room

Day 50: Continuing with this process
Day 100: Still feeling okay
Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what i do.

Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...

Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.
But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.

You know those people protesting the stay at home order are really doing a great job

Proving that natural selection does exist

A man goes to the doctor and finds out he only has three months to live...

He says, "but Doc...three months isn't enough TIME!"
The doctor pauses and thinks. Then he says, "Stay home every day, all day long with your wife and kids - no office, restaurtants, movies, or shopping...and only leave the house once a week for groceries...."
​
"Trust me, it will be the LONGEST three months of your life !"

Americans leaving their homes to rally outside against having to stay in their homes

Thought the title was enough

Iv never really understood the point of lapdancing...

I mean, if I wanted someone to s**... frustrate me and take all my money then I'd just stay at home with the wife!

My wife and I went grocery shopping with our masks on

when we got home and took off our masks, I discovered I brought home the wrong wife. Stay alert people!

Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.

The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."

An 8 year old (Billy) and a 9 year old (Tommy) are sitting in a waiting room with their moms at a hospital

Billy asks Tommy why he's there.
Tommy says, To get my tonsils removed.
Billy says, Oh don't worry, it's not so bad. You get to stay home from school and eat all the ice cream you want.
Tommy then asks Billy, Why are you here?
Billy says, For a circumcision.
Tommy says, Oh boy, that's s**..., I had one when I was first born and I couldn't walk for about a year!

My girlfriend is a workaholic

She is staying the night at her boss's home to discuss company's problems tonight.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

Doctor tells a man that he will die by the next morning

The man goes home and tells his wife about this and asks her to stay awake the whole night so they can talk about all the good memories they share.
The wife starts to fall asleep after some time. The man asks "Why are you falling asleep?"
The wife replies "You don't have to wake up tomorrow morning, but I do!"

A teacher asks her students what they do after school.

Teacher : "What do you do after school?"
Student #1 : "I always go buy cigarettes from Yakobo"
Student #2 : "I go to buy w**... from Yakobo"
Student #3 : "I go to buy c**... from Yakobo"
Student #4 : "I always stay at home and do my homework"
Teacher : \*points at Student #4\* "You are a great student. I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to the other students. What is your name?"
Student #4 : "Yakobo"

Two men stay out late drinking, miss the last bus and have to walk home

They pass the bus depot, so one says he'll break in and steal a bus to get them home.
Ages later, he comes to the door and goes, 'it's no use, I can't find a number 9.'
'You idiot!' says his friend, 'Just steal a 14, we'll get off at the corner and walk the rest of the way.'

Told my boss I had to stay home today because I have a**...-glaucoma

I can't see my a**... coming into work today.

Today on the highway driving home.

Me: Ah! Come on man stay in your lane.
My wife: I'll bet he is communist.
Me: what? Why?
My wife: because now it's 'our' lane.

Little Johnny went to school sick one

Coughing and sneezing the teacher approached him and said
If you're sick you should stay home we don't want you to get the other children sick
Johnny replied
But you said I'd never be able to pass anything!

A man comes home for his nutritionist appointment.

He tells his wife, "These doctors need to get their act together. This one told me stay away from chips, but the other one told me to get the vaccine."

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: Can I talk to my wife, please?

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I'll stay on the line
Very well, sir , the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a moment later, the butler returns to the phone.
I shot them both, sir. What should I do with the bodies?
I don't care, throw them in the pool
We don't have a pool, sir
Ah, sorry, wrong number

My daughter, 10, won tonight

My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text s**... up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar
The reply?
Too late, she's white dog wasted
We have a natural here…

A wife comes home late one night...

...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.
​
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Came back home to a message from my girlfriend

Came back to find a message from my girlfriend on the fridge.
"It's not working, I give up, I have gone to stay at my mother's"
The fridge was humming away happily. I opened it, the light was on. I touched the beers inside, they were cold.
I don't understand, what does she mean?

At first I didn't know an angry mob was outside my home because I only heard a polite knock on my door.

But when I discovered the truth of my predicament, I stayed as quiet as a mouse—quieter, even—and fortunately, after a short time, they all got bored and left.
Power to the peephole.

A man's wife doesn't come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife's friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.
A few nights later, the husband doesn't come home one night. Just like his wife, the next morning he tells her that he had slept over at a friends place. His wife then contacted all of the husbands friends to ask about: and apparently the husband was at 8 houses, 2 of which said he was still there!

Anniversary

On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner.
Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!
I suppose, the husband responded, we could vacuum.

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