The Best 69 Statistics Jokes

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

Jimmy approached his teacher

After looking at the syllabus for their next lesson on graphing, Jimmy approached his teacher with a stern look on his face and said, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!

When a statistician passes the airport security check...

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

It's my birthday, so here's a related joke.

Why are birthdays good for you?

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Statistics show: those who have the most, live the longest.

Next time somebody tries to argue using statistics....

Remind them that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Frightening Statistic

This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

My statistics professor told me I was average...

... I told her "that's Mean".

I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk.

They're just staggering.

Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics

after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.

johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"

johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"

johnny responded "well, not necessarily."

They should name American Pharoah's first offspring "Regression to the Mean"

Because, you know, statistics.

When are minorities not minorities?

When you look at crime statistics.

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

Statistics show that one out of three of your next door neighbors could be a child molester...

Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds.

Statistics show that six out of seven dwarves aren't happy

NEW study shows that Birthdays are good for your health

Statistics show that people who have more birthdays, live the longest!

Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey.

They do, however, say "zed".

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman:

What it shows is interesting, but what it doesn't show is the most important part.

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

Facts of life

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships

Which got me thinking,
Is it my wife or is it my girlfriend who is cheating?

Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Sex Statistics on a Plane.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penises and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

How can you live forever?

Live for at least 100 years. Statistics show that very few people die over the age of 100.

Statistics and mini skirts..

...they hide more than what they reveal.

Soviet Economics

1980s. Soviet Economy minister is making speech at Communist Party session:

- According to latest statistics, our incomes rose 20%, our quality of life rose 30% and our buying economic power rose 40%

From the audience: That's great that YOURS did, but what about OURS??

Statistics show 65% of Baltimore men have had sex in the shower.

The other 35% haven't been to prison yet.

Statistics show that 47% of people are pedantic.

Well, 46.8%.

According to statistics, a man is ran over every 5 minutes in a city.

I wonder how is he still alive.

According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile

Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

Statistics say that 85% of gay men are simply born homosexuals

The rest are sucked into it

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it's because of pier pressure.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

The problem with math jokes

Calculus jokes are derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are too formulaic but arithmetic jokes are just basic.

The outlier is the occasional statistics pun.

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

Statistics can be misleading.

For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

I didn't think I'd ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

Statistics show that on average people have sex 89 times per year.

With that being said, I'm about to have a wild couple of days.

Statistics are like bikinis....

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

I don't understand statistics like mean, mode and median

Is that normal?

There are many problems with math puns.

Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy.

Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

Today I Learnt... Statistics is mainly about..

Rejecting H0s.

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

Statistically speaking, 6 out 10 statistics are wrong.

Including this one.

Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don't understand how percentages work.

Unlike us, the other 90%.

My Dad told me that if anyone ever pulled a gun on me I should start reeling off statistics

Apparently there's safety in numbers

In college, I failed statistics 5 times in a row.

What are the odds?

I really don't understand statistics...

But then, 5 out of 3 people don't.