Statistician Jokes
114 statistician jokes and hilarious statistician puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about statistician that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Statistician Short Jokes
Short statistician jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The statistician humour may include short statistical jokes also.
- A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar Guy: You're the most average girl out here.
Girl: Hey, you're mean!
Guy: No, you are. - My father works as a statistician at Ford. He must be pretty well-respected there, people are always asking for his auto graph.
- Statistician joke... Why did a statistician take a zebra with him when he boarded a train?
Because statistically, it's a lot less likely to be a train accident with a Zebra inside it... - I hate it when statisticians try explaining things to me. 95% of the time I don't know what they mean.
- Due to the size of my student loans for my phd I have debts no honest man could pay.... Luckily I'm a statistician.
- A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, "bullseye!"
- Heard about the statistician who liked to kick back with his feet in the oven and his head on a bucket of ice? On the average, he was quite comfortable.
- Why shouldn't you share your food with a statistician? Because they always want a large sample
- Did you hear about the perverted statistician? Standard deviation wasn't enough for him anymore...
- Heard about the statistician who drowned crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.
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Statistician One Liners
Which statistician one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with statistician? I can suggest the ones about mathematician and stats.
- Ever heard the statistician's joke? Probably.
- Two statisticians walk into a bar... What are the chances of that?
- What do you call a statistician with two butts? Biased.
- Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years That's mean
- A wise statistician once told me: Be thankful you have more hands than average.
- What does a statistician call all the dogs in the world? A pupulation
- I'm always impressed when statisticians talk about averages. It's so meaningful.
- Why are Statisticians all pragmatists? Because they know the n's always justify the means
- What happened to the statistician who was arrested? He now has zero degrees of freedom.
- What does a statistician say on christmas? Hₒ Hₒ Hₒ
- How do statisticians cook their meat? Median rare.
- What is a statistician's favorite shoe brand? Converse
- What's the statisticians favorite sauce? Tztatisiki
- I asked out a statistician on a date. She failed to reject me.
- What is a statistician's favorite social media site? Histogram
Delightful Fun Statistician Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about statistician you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean economist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make statistician pranks.
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean.
Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there.
The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires.
They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
Why do statisticians always go back to being cruel ?
Why do statisticians always go back to being cruel ?
Answer: reversion to the mean
One in a million!
A famous Statisticians never flew on a plane. After months of research and hard work, he had deduced that there was a 1 in a million chance of having a bomb on any given flight, and would not accept that probability.
One day, he went to a conference far from home. One of his colleagues, who knew of his fear of flying, asked him:
"Hey, how'd you get here? By train?"
"No, I flew.", replied the statistician.
"But what about the bomb?" said the colleague.
"Well, I concluded that the chance of having two bombs would be (1/1000000 x 1/1000000), which is a much better probability, which I can accept. So I brought my own bomb."
What do you call it when a statistician secretly gives out clothes?
Discreet uniform distribution
Physics joke
A man is interested in placing a bet on a horse race; only he's a smart, educated guy and doesn't want to blow his money on the wrong horse. He decides to consult a vet, a statistician an a physicist.
He goes to the vet. The vet examines the horses for a few minutes, then points to a horse and says: "this is the healthiest, strongest, horse. He'll probably win".
He then goes to the statistician. The statistician takes a couple of hours to analyze all the previous races of all contending horses. He takes into account the horse's nutrition, the weather, the day of the week, the number of spectators and many other factors. In the end, he points to a horse and says that, based on past performance, it has the highest probability of winning the race.
Finally, the man goes to a physicist. The physicist thinks for a few minutes and tells him he needs a few days to think it over. A day passes, then two days, then three. It's finally a day before the race and the bets have to be placed. But still there's no word from the physicist. The man decides he has to get an answer so he angrily calls the physicist himself. His reply? "listen, the problem you've given me was harder than I anticipated. By now, I only managed to solve it for a spherical horse in vacuum".
A statistician and his wife are going I vacation.
As they are packing, the statistician puts a bomb in his suit case.
"Good god, what's that for?" His wife asks.
"Well, there's low odds of one bomb being on a plane, what are the odds of there being two?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...
... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.
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Bonus: i**... is a family-wise error.
Stats joke..
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size.
Applying For A Job
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.
A statistician is overanalyzing a scatter plot
You tell him, "Get to the point already!"
What does a statistician call a defective butter substitute?
A margarine of error!
What is a statistician's favorite beverage?
Uncertain-tea
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician are walking down a hallway...
when they notice with alarm that a fire has broken out in a nearby lab.
The physicist immediately shouts "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist then cries "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
The statistician looks around, thinks for a minute, then sets the rest of the building on fire.
The physicist and the chemist look on in horror and yell, "what are you doing?!"
The statistician replies "getting a bigger sample size".
Did you hear about the statistician's party?
The dress code was causal.
A statistician is on an airplane...
when one of the engines goes out. The pilot gets on the intercom and says "don't worry folks, we've still got three engines, but its going to take us a bit longer to get to our destination. We're about 6 hours out now."
However, before long, another engine goes out. The pilot comes on again and says "we've lost another engine, but we're still in the air, but we've slowed down a bit. It's going to take us 8 hours to get there now."
However, luck was not with them, and a third engine dies. The pilot gets on the intercom and says "don't panic, we can still fly with only one engine, but it's going to take us 12 hours to get there."
The statistician turns to his neighbor and says "I hope that last engine doesn't go out, or it's going to take us forever to get there!"
I am looking for a curve with good tight fit...
...said the statistician.
Did you hear the one about the perverted statistician?
He couldn't get off on the standard deviation
Statistician joke
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician all die and go to heaven.
When they arrive at the pearly gate St. Peter stops them and says before you pass through I have a simple question for each of you.
He turns to the engineer and asks, "What's 2 + 2"?
The engineer pulls out his slide ruler, fumbles it around and says, "3.9999".
St. Peter is fine with this answer and says, "Come on in".
He then turns to the physicist and asks the same question, "What's 2 + 2?"
The physicist turns to a chalk board that appears out of no where and writes out this elaborate proof, 2 + 2 = 4
St. Peter is very pleased and says, "Come on in".
He then turns to the Statistican and asks again, "What's 2 + 2"?
The Statistician pauses for a bit, scratches his head and then says, "What do you want it to be?"
Best All Time Favourite Jokes
A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question:
The mathematician was first. "How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked
"1000" he replied without hesitation.
"Thank you", they dismissed him.
Next the statistician. "How much is 500 plus 500?"
On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence replied the statistician
"Thank you", they dismissed him.
Next the accountant."How much is 500 plus 500?"
What would you like it to be? responded the accountant.
They hired the accountant.
The Stat Hunters
Two statisticians are out hunting. They see a bird sitting on a tree branch someways out. "Go ahead, take first crack at it!" says the first statistician. The second statistician shoots 7 inches too high. The first statistician then aims, and quickly shoots 7 inches too low. The two men look at each other, then simultaneously high five and say "Nice shot!"
What is a statistician's favorite Pokémon?
μ2
A physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist were all staying at the same hotel...
One night, the physicist wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire. He quickly grabs a bucket of water and puts the fire out.
The engineer is also sleeping and wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire as well. He pulls out his calculator and calculates the exact amount of water necessary to put the fire out. He then proceeds to actually put the fire out.
The mathematician likewise wakes up to see his trash can on fire. He pulls out his calculator and calculates that water can be used to put fires out. He then returns to his bed.
The statistician continues setting trash cans on fire to get a larger sample size.
A physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and a statistician were all staying at the same hotel.
One night, the physicist wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire. He quickly grabs a bucket of water and puts the fire out.
The engineer is also sleeping and wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire as well. He pulls out his calculator and calculates the exact amount of water necessary to put the fire out. He then proceeds to actually put the fire out.
The mathematician likewise wakes up to see his trash can on fire. He pulls out his calculator and calculates that water can be used to put fires out. He then returns to his bed.
The statistician continues setting trash cans on fire to get a larger sample size.
A statistician and an engineer...
A mathematician and an engineer are standing about 20 feet away from an absolutely gorgeous blonde woman who is eyeing them both seductively.
She says to them, "Every time you approach me, you may only travel half the distance between us. Will you ever reach me?"
The mathematicitian says, "No, I'd never be able to reach her."
The engineer smiles and says, "Close enough."
What is the recommended psychological treatment for mentally ill statisticians?
Regression therapy
How do you know statisticians are always serious?
They mean what they say.
Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.
A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York.
At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What was the statistician's f**...?
Let's just say he had the standard deviation.
A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician are all interviewed for the same job...(my statistics teacher in college told the class this joke)
Each of them are brought into the bosses office individually and asked only one question.
The mathematician comes in and is asked "what is 2 + 2?" To which he answers "obviously it's 4"
The engineer is asked the same question. "Well it's hard to say for sure, I'd have to make a few calculations, draw up some graphs. Let me get back to you in about a week."
Finally, the statistician is brought in.
"What's 2 + 2?"
The statistician then casually closes all the blinds in the room and slyly asks "what do you *want* it to be?"
What was the statistician's favorite herb?
Bayes-il
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats a statisticians favourite S Club 7 song?
Reach For The **Stats**.
A statistician has half his body encased in ice and the other half engulfed in flames.
So on average, they felt fine.
What does an approximately normal statistician eat for lunch?
A large CLT
An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...
So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself "we have to cut the electricity off!" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams "we need more data!!" And he sets the curtains on fire.
What's a statistician's favorite form of art?
Data-ism
I asked a cute statistician if I could get her phone number.
She said probably not.
What do you call a statistician watching a bull fight?
A mathador.
Why do tailors hate statisticians?
They *always* insist that the fit could be better.
When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.
He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."
A mathematician and a statistician wrote a cook book together.
It was called "Pi A LA Mode".
A statistician was whisked away to another land by a tornado.
He went to see the Wizard of Odds.
A statistician, a mathematician, and a biologist are standing outside a house.
They watch two people walk in. A couple hours later, they watch three people walk out.
The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: "Oh, we must have miscounted."
The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, "Ah, they must have reproduced!"
Meanwhile, the mathematician arrived at the solution almost immediately: "If one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!"
She was only a statistician's daughter
but her deviations were anything but standard.
Did you hear about the Statistician that died last week?
He drowned in a lake that averaged 1 foot deep.
Statistician on a plane
A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb. "
What does a climate change scientist and a statistician dance to?
Al Gore-Rhythms
Three Statisticians go hunting in the woods.
After a few hours, they happen upon a deer.
The first statistician takes a shot and misses 10 feet to the left.
The second statistician takes a shot and misses 10 feet to the right.
The third statistician throws his hands up in the air and says "WE HIT IT!"
What catch phrase do white girls and statisticians share in common?
"That's totally random"
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa
They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"
The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."
The mathematician corrects him: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."
The computer scientist exclaims "Oh, no! A special case!"
statistician boards plane with a bomb
the probability of there being two bombs on a plane is much lower
Three Statisticians Walk Into A Bar...
The bartender asks them "Would you all like a drink?"
The first statistician says "Maybe".
The second statistician also says "Maybe".
The third statistician then smiles, and says "Yes!"
Three statisticians go out hunting...
and come across a large deer.
The first statistician fires, but misses by a meter to the left.
The second statistician fires, but also misses, this time by a meter to the right.
The third statistician doesn't fire, but starts shouting in triumph "We got it! We got it!"
A pencil and a statistician got into a brawl at the local bar
Graphite.
A Statistician Refuses to Fly
His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"
"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."
A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to find the statistician sitting in the seat next to you. "What happened? Have the odds changed?" the man asked.
"No, the odds of a bomb being on a plane haven't changed. But I calculated the odd of two bombs being on a plane, and I found those odds much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own."
An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...
To play card.
A statistician walks into a bar
and ranks all the girls based on their looks. He approaches one of them and says,
"I just surveyed all the women in here and you're the most average one here.
"Wow, you're mean!"
"No, you are!"
What did the Chinese statistician use to tally the number of Swedish bands?
An ABBAcus
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An FBI statistician gave me some advice
I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a t**...?"
He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on the same plane, so the odds of a t**... smuggling a second bomb onboard are very low."
A Physicist and an Engineer take turns shooting at a deer.
An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each takes a turn to try and bag it.
The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.
The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineer's pad and a book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he's ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.
The statistician leaps in the air shouting, "We got it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the s**... club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.
"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.
"Then...what are you here for?"
With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know how most statisticians die?
They get broken down by age and s**....
What's 2 x 2?
Mathematician : 4
Physicist : 4.0
Statistician : 4 with an error of 0.1 either way
Engineer : about 4 but I'll say 6 to be on the safe side.
Why did the statistician give his cheating ex-girlfriend the nickname "Type 2 Error?"
Because he failed to reject the H^(0) when he should have.
What do you call an astrophysicist who goes blind and decides to be a statistician?
Phil DeGraph Tyson
Why should you never trust a statistician?
Because they're always plotting something.
The son of a statistician was murdered.
His son vowed to one day approximate revenge.
