Delightful Fun Statistician Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
Three statisticians are hunting when they see a rabbit.
The first one shoots and misses him on the left.
The second shoots and misses him on the right.
The third one shouts, "We've hit it!"
An economist, a chaos theorist, and a statistician are trying to shoot a deer for dinner with a bow and arrow...
The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".
When a statistician passes the airport security check...
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."
What do you call it when a statistician secretly gives out clothes?
Discreet uniform distribution
A statistician and his wife are going I vacation.
As they are packing, the statistician puts a bomb in his suit case.
"Good god, what's that for?" His wife asks.
"Well, there's low odds of one bomb being on a plane, what are the odds of there being two?"
Two statisticians walk into a bar...
What are the chances of that?
A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.
They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"
3 statisticians go hunting
They see a deer. The first statistician shoots, but his shot misses by a foot to the left. The second statistician shoots, but her shot misses by a foot to the right. The third statistician says "Alright, we got it!"
Three statisticians are bow hunting in the woods and see a deer...
The first shoots his arrow and misses to the right by three feet.
The second shoots and misses three feet to the left.
The third throws up his arms and yells, "We got him!"
My father works as a statistician at Ford.
He must be pretty well-respected there, people are always asking for his auto graph.
What does a statistician call a defective butter substitute?
A margarine of error!
You can explore statistician statistically reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean statistician professors dad jokes. There are also statistician puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I am looking for a curve with good tight fit...
...said the statistician.
Two statisticians go deer hunting...
they are out all day long when finally they spot a 5 point buck. They simultaneously crouch down silently, take aim, and shoot. The first statistician fires 20 feet to the left of the deer. The second statistician fires 20 feet to the right of the deer. In unison, they both shout out "got it"!
Thank you folks, I'll be here all week. Tip your waiters.
A statistician and an engineer...
A mathematician and an engineer are standing about 20 feet away from an absolutely gorgeous blonde woman who is eyeing them both seductively.
She says to them, "Every time you approach me, you may only travel half the distance between us. Will you ever reach me?"
The mathematicitian says, "No, I'd never be able to reach her."
The engineer smiles and says, "Close enough."
Three mathematicians go hunting.
As they are out hunting, they see a bird. The numerical analyst fires, but misses to the left. The applied mathematician fires and misses to the right. The statistician shouts out, "We hit it!"
A worried flyer asks a statistician...
"What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". But I fly a lot, said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one.
A zoologist, a statistician, and a mathematician are sitting across the street from an empty house.
While they are sitting there they see two people enter the house. A short while later they see three people leave the house.
The zoologist says "They must have reproduced."
The statistician says "Our initial count must have been wrong."
The mathematician says "If one more person goes into that house it will be empty again."
Two statisticians are out hunting...
Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck. The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing pass 6in too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past 6in too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim "Got him!"
A Chemist, An Engineer, and A Statistician
A Chemist, an engineer, and a statistician are out in the woods hunting. The chemist says" Watch this" and fires his rifle. His shot lands five yards short of the deer. The engineer laughs and says "Watch this" and calculates for wind resistance. His shot lands five yards over the dear. The statistician suddenly stands up and screams "WE GOT HIM"
A statistician has half his body encased in ice and the other half engulfed in flames.
So on average, they felt fine.
I asked out a statistician on a date.
She failed to reject me.
Did you hear about the perverted statistician?
Standard deviation wasn't enough for him anymore...
Heard about the statistician who liked to kick back with his feet in the oven and his head on a bucket of ice?
On the average, he was quite comfortable.
Did you hear about the statistician that drowned?
Apparently he tried crossing a river with an average depth of 4 feet.
Three statisticians go out hunting together...
After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and ends up shooting too far to the left of the rabbit. The second aims, misses, and shoots too far to the right. The third shouts out "We got him!"
I asked a cute statistician if I could get her phone number.
She said probably not.
Three statisticians go hunting
They spot a bird, and take turns trying to shoot it.
The first statistician shoots 10 feet above the bird
The second statistician shoots 10 feet below the bird
The third statistician shouts "We got it!"
Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.
They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.
The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"
When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.
He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."
A mathematician and a statistician wrote a cook book together.
It was called "Pi A LA Mode".
3 Statisticians Go Hunting
They eventually spot a deer. The first shoots 5 meters above his head. The second shoots 5 meters below his head. Then the third yells out "We Got Him!"
A wise statistician once told me:
Be thankful you have more hands than average.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
A statistician, a mathematician, and a biologist are standing outside a house.
They watch two people walk in. A couple hours later, they watch three people walk out.
The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: "Oh, we must have miscounted."
The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, "Ah, they must have reproduced!"
Meanwhile, the mathematician arrived at the solution almost immediately: "If one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!"
A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar
Guy: You're the most average girl out here.
Girl: Hey, you're mean!
Guy: No, you are.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned in a river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Three Statisticians go hunting in the woods.
After a few hours, they happen upon a deer.
The first statistician takes a shot and misses 10 feet to the left.
The second statistician takes a shot and misses 10 feet to the right.
The third statistician throws his hands up in the air and says "WE HIT IT!"
What do you call a statistician with two butts?
Biased.
A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician all go hunting.
After sitting quietly on a hillside for a few hours, they spot a buck in the field below.
The mathematician measures up his shot and does some rough calculations on bullet drop, then fires. He misses about 5 feet to the left.
The physicist says "you forgot to account for wind!" He lines up his shot, and over-corrects, missing by about 5 feet to the right.
They both look over at the statistician, who proclaims: "We hit him!"
What happened to the statistician who was arrested?
He now has zero degrees of freedom.
The law of averages
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
They spot a deer and the biologist shoots and misses left by three feet. The chemist shoots and misses right three feet. The statistician shouts "WE HIT IT !"
Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably...
statistician boards plane with a bomb
the probability of there being two bombs on a plane is much lower
Three statisticians go on a hunting trip...
They spot a deer, immediately the first statistician takes a shot and it misses two meters to the left. The second statistician takes a shot and misses two meters to the right. "We got it!" yells the third Statistician
Three Statisticians Walk Into A Bar...
The bartender asks them "Would you all like a drink?"
The first statistician says "Maybe".
The second statistician also says "Maybe".
The third statistician then smiles, and says "Yes!"
Three statisticians go out hunting...
and come across a large deer.
The first statistician fires, but misses by a meter to the left.
The second statistician fires, but also misses, this time by a meter to the right.
The third statistician doesn't fire, but starts shouting in triumph "We got it! We got it!"
What does a statistician call all the dogs in the world?
A pupulation
A statistician walks into a bar
and ranks all the girls based on their looks. He approaches one of them and says,
"I just surveyed all the women in here and you're the most average one here.
"Wow, you're mean!"
"No, you are!"
How do statisticians cook their meat?
Median rare.
What did the Chinese statistician use to tally the number of Swedish bands?
An ABBAcus
A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician are out hunting
When they spot a deer. The mathemician shoots five feet to the left and misses. The physicist shoots five feet to the right and misses. The statistician yells, "We got em!"
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician goes hunting.
The physicist sees a deer and calculates a trajectory in a vacuum and pulls the trigger.
The bullet falls short.
The engineer, seeing this, adds in some fudge and calculates high, overshooting the deer by a similar amount.
The statistician exclaims, "We got it!"
A doctor, a lawyer and a statistician go hunting.
After a while they spot a deer. The doctor shoots first missing the shot by a meter to the left. The lawyer proceeds to shoot and misses the shot by a meter to the right.
That's when the statistician throws his gun to the ground, start jumping and cheers "Yaaaayy, we hit it!!!!"
Three statisticians
go hunting for deer. They spot one off in the distance. The first one shoots about a meter too high, the second one, about a meter too low, the third one yells, We got it!
A chemist, a biologist, and a statistician are out hunting...
The chemist spots a deer and takes a shot at it, but misses by 5 feet to the left. The biologist then fires but misses by 5 feet to the right. The statistician then proclaims "We got 'em!"
Why are Statisticians all pragmatists?
Because they know the n's always justify the means
What's the statisticians favorite sauce?
Tztatisiki
An FBI statistician gave me some advice
I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a t**...?"
He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on the same plane, so the odds of a t**... smuggling a second bomb onboard are very low."
Why shouldn't you share your food with a statistician?
Because they always want a large sample
Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the s**... club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.
"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.
"Then...what are you here for?"
With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."
A Statistician is caught trying to sneak a bomb on a plane....
When asked why he would do such a thing, he replied:
"To reduce the probability of a bomb being on the plane"
A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying
He is afraid of someone b**... the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn't worry about it.
He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so low it will probably never happen to anyone in the mans lifetime.
A month later they run into each other and the statistician asks if the man ever took his vacation. He says yes. The statistician asks how he got over his fear of flying and the mans says, it was easy. Every time I board a plane, I bring a bomb with me.
A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar
**Guy**: You're the most average girl out here.
**Girl**: Hey, you're mean!
**Guy**: No, you are.
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!"
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go hunting.
They come upon a deer and the physicist takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist then takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician declares, "We got him!!"
What does a statistician say on christmas?
Hₒ Hₒ Hₒ
Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years
That's mean
An engineer, a carpenter, and a statistian go deer hunting
As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left."
The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.
The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"
A Statistician is playing darts
The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, "bullseye!"
My dad worked for years as an actuary.
Back in the 1970s he travelled a lot for his work. This was during the time when hijackings, bombings and stuff like that weren't too uncommon.
Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn't like the odds.... so the very next day he starting carrying a bomb with him on every plane that he boarded.
Cause he figured, what are the chances that *two* bombs would be on the same plane...
Ronald Reagan asks a mathematician: "What is two plus two?"
The mathematician replies "Four, Mr President."
Unsatisfied, Reagan asks a statistician. "What is two plus two?"
The statistician says "Based on our research, most people think it's between 3.8 and 4.3."
Still unsatisfied, Reagan asks an economist: "What is two plus two?"
"What do you want it to be, Mr President?"
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells We got 'em!
A statistician gets on a plane.
A Statistician gets on a plane. Guy next to him says "I'm scared of flying." The statistician says "I used to be. I used to be worried about terrorists." The guy asks "How'd you stop being scared?" The statistician says "I bought a bomb on the plane." Panicked, the guy yells "What!?"
Statistician goes "Calm down, you see, I'm not gonna blow myself up, and what are the odds there are two bombs on one plane?"
A chemist, physicist, and statistician go hunting.
They are behind a bush and all three see a 12 point buck off into the distance.
The chemist stands up and shoots at the deer but misses 50 yards to the left.
The physicist stands up and shoots at the deer and misses 50 yards to the right.
The statistician gets up and screams "We got him!".
I know, I know, it is a mean joke.....
Statistician joke...
Why did a statistician take a zebra with him when he boarded a train?
Because statistically, it's a lot less likely to be a train accident with a Zebra inside it...
A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...
are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfections, then performs his own calculations. After carefully aiming the cannon and firing, he overshoots by 10 meters.
The statistician then begins shouting with glee that they hit the target.
Due to the size of my student loans for my phd I have debts no honest man could pay....
Luckily I'm a statistician.
Three statisticians go hunting
Once they're in the forest, they see a deer.
The first statistician raises his rifle, fires, and misses by ten feet to the left.
The second statistician raises his rifle, fires, and misses by ten feet to the right.
The third statistician jumps up and down. "We got him!"
A statistician goes hunting with his friend
After a few hours in the tree stand, his friend sees a ten-point buck. He takes careful aim and fires, but misses the buck by a foot to the left. Fortunately the buck was not scared off, and he quietly reloads and takes another shot. The shot misses the buck by a foot to the right.
The statistician yells in triumph "You got him! You got him!"
A biologist, a physicist and a statistician went hunting
After a good, long while, they found a deer.
The physicist lifted his rifle, took aim, fired, and hit three feet to the left of the animal.
The biologist fired too, and sent the bullet three feet to the right of the deer.
The statistician lifted his rifle triumphantly in the air, and exclaimed: 'We got it!'
A statistics joke...
Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows. They see a giant buck in the woods. Statistician #1 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the left. Statistician #2 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the right. Statistician #3 throws down his bow and yells, "We got it!"
Why did the statistician always take a bomb with him when he traveled by plane?
He knew the chances of a bomb being on a flight he was one in a million, so he figured that the chances of two bombs being on board was one in a million million.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...
The three see a buck a little distance away.
The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.
The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding in wind resistance and adding a fudge factor to include wind variations, Coriolis forces, and other, unknown variables. He fires, and the round lands 10 meters behind the buck.
The statistician jumps up and yells, "We got him!"
