Statement Jokes
138 statement jokes and hilarious statement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about statement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a hilarious way to lighten up a conversation? Check out this article for a collection of statement jokes covering a range of topics from if statements to financial statements and even personal statements. We've got some rib-tickling braless jokes, apology jokes and even resentment jokes - something for everyone!
Quick Jump To
- Short Statement Jokes
- Statement One Liners
- If Statement Jokes
- Mission Statement Jokes
- More Statement Jokes
Funniest Statement Short Jokes
Short statement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The statement humour may include short announcement jokes also.
- The police just released a statement that someone is going around pickpocketing midgets. I'm surprised someone could stoop so low.
- I have a friend who says that he hates all comforters. I told him that he shouldn't make blanket statements like that.
- The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true. If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.
- I got called pretty today... well actually the full statement was "you're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on the positive things today
- I want to say comforters are superior to quilts But I don't like to make blanket statements.
- Subway to release a statement next week In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.
- BREAKING - The Russian Navy has released a statement after accidentally sinking one of it's own submarines Oops, wrong sub.
- Everyone says an apple a day keeps the doctor away is a incorrect statement But I'm starting to think people just aren't as good at throwing as I am.
- I had my credit card stolen. About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.
- Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. .. Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".
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Statement One Liners
Which statement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with statement? I can suggest the ones about status and expression.
- I'm going to make a blanket statement All comforters are comfortable
- Statement from the moderates regarding "The Darkening"
- What's the necrophiliacs' mission statement? We put the D in dead.
- What do you call a generalization made by a farmer? An overall statement.
- How Long is a China mans name. Thats a statement not a question.
- Saying a quilt and a comforter are the same thing... ..is just a blanket statement.
- My friend said cancer was nothing to joke about I found that statement rather tumorous
- I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements It's putting me to sleep
- You know what they say about blanket statements? They're all false.
- Most people prefer quilts over duvet but you shouldn't make blanket statements.
- You know what I hate? People that start their statements with rhetorical questions.
- I don't want to make a blanket statement... But my sheets are dirty.
- What do mathematicians and programmers have in common? 0!=1 is a true statement
- What do you get when you cash in your memes for karma? A dank statement.
- How tall is a chinese man. That is a statement.
If Statement Jokes
Here is a list of funny if statement jokes and even better if statement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Local Man Killed After Being Struck By Lightning Statement from police: he would have been fine if he had stopped resisting
- Monica Lewinski released a statement that said she would be voting for Donald Trump the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
- Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid? They're both baseless and corrosive.
- I was just saw a robbery at the Apple Store The police needed me to give a statement as an iwitness
- The White House just released a statement that... Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.
- Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles burn all their bank statements? Because they don't want to have a Shredder in the house.
- A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm... That's just a blanket statement.
- Kim Jong Un released a statement today I don't know what it said it must've been morse code, all it said was *beep* *beep* *beep* *beeeeeep*
- I'm sick and tired of debating people about burqas, niqābs and hijabs etc. So many blanket statements.
- A suspected cannibal stood in front of a judge and was asked to give his final statement, to which he replied: "If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man".
Mission Statement Jokes
Here is a list of funny mission statement jokes and even better mission statement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Trump's new EPA chief just released a slight tweak to the EPA mission statement The EPA is now switching gears from protecting the environment to protecting us from the environment.
- Google fiber mission statement Bringing you a more regular internet.
- Mission Statement: A long awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly.
Cheeky Statement Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about statement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean essay jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make statement pranks.
My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.
I thought, that's such a blanket statement.
A two person plane crashes into a cemetery.
Police have released a statement saying that its the worse tragedy they have seen in years. So far they have found over 600 dead with fears of the number increasing as digging continues in the morning.
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Don't forget capital letters...
In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse."
How Long is a Chinese name
* That's the joke.
* You have people thinking about how to answer how long the name is. When the actual joke is that the Chinese person is named How Long.
* It's pretty funny to see peoples reactions to this joke and to see how they reply to it when all you're really making is a statement.
Socrates on jokes...
Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.
Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.
Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?
Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.
Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.
Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had i**....
Breaking News: It has been reported that last night someone broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets in the building.
Police have issued a statement saying that at this moment they have nothing to go on.
Ronald Reagan's Memory
One day a reporter confronted Ronald Reagan about a previous statement he had made. "Mr. President, you said that you would resign if your memory started to fade," the reporter said. Reagan smiled and replied, "I don't remember saying that."
Catholic girl goes into confessional
Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."
A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."
The monk then pulls out a p**... from his robe and shoots the vendor. After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."
Monica Lewinsky just released a statement on the presidential candidacy of Hillary Clinton...
She was quoted as saying that she can't vote for Hillary, because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
My first self-made joke
A professor asks his students "If i told you that 90% of Asians end up not getting married , Will you believe that statement ? "
A student rises up and answers "Yes"
Professor "Why would you believe that ?"
Student "Because Asians are smart"
Did you hear about the p**... studio that went to the bank to get a loan?
They got a very good interest rate.
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.
I'm a one night stand kind of man.
Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."
I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics
Don't believe me? Just watch.
Police report: Group of mimes and jesters arrested after brawl.
Police arrested a group of mimes and jesters for starting a fight.
After questioning the 2 gangs, the cops were convinced the jesters were just acting like fools. But the mimes have yet to make a statement.
After much discussion, it was decided that Korea would divide its capital city into two, half for North and half for South, the job of splitting the city went to some unusual ministers: Cenobites. In their first public address about their new task, they gave their mission statement:
"We'll tear your Seoul apart"
The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...
The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.
The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."
The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...
Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...
"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"
"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.
"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"
- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before
Why does c**... code never compile?
They end every statement with init
Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...
"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.
Camped
Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.
Police responded to a call outside the p**... mansion.
Mr. Hefner called the police to remove a group of monks selling daisies out of an i**... roadside stand in front of the p**... mansion. A police spokesperson released a statement "we responded promptly to Mr. Hefner's call because as everybody knows, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
I'm not buying anything from any of Trump's or his family's businesses
Not a political statement, I just don't have any money.
A Catholic girl walks into a confessional and says "Father, I think I may be pregnant."
He replies "How did this happen, my child?"
She says "It must be the second coming."
The Priest is shocked by this statement and asks "What makes you think this?"
She replies "Because I swallowed the first."
Emergency broadcast alert.
Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet.
Such innocence and wisdom in one statement.
I hate all sleep accessories
But I don't know if it's a good idea to make such a blanket statement.
An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives
He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".
The press should have given Sean Spicer a 5th attempt at clarifying his statement.
Who knows, maybe he finally figured out the final solution.
It's difficult to get anything specific out of a bedding expert...
...since they're always making blanket statements
A lesbian just told me she can't eat anything with eggs in it...
..I told her to think about that statement for a minute...
Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.
Police are looking into it.
And are preparing a probing investigation.
A guy stole my wallet a few years ago. I noticed some unusual charges on my credit card statement.
I didn't report it because he was spending less than my wife.
I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"
...
"I
CAN'T
PAY
THIS."
In my credit card statement there was an extra 6**...$ charge written in tiny fonts ...
As usual, the devil is in the details ...
Profit & Loss Statement
Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"
Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...
Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of s**... misconduct.
"I'm Gay."
What is the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?
Says one man to another. The second replies, it's maid Marian, isn't it? . The first man scoffs and replies absolutely not, her name is Trudy Glenn.
At this point the second man is beyond confused and questions the statement I disagree, I can't say I've ever heard of her.
The first man says haven't you heard the song? To which he is replied to with what song?
'Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glenn.'
The White House has cancelled their annual Christmas Pageant
In an official statement, they said the reason was because they couldn't find three wise men.
Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement
Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.
In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."
A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.
The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."
I shouldn't make blanket statements about autistic people but…
a lot of them do enjoy being wrapped in blankets.
Either way half of the members are s**.... The speaker doesn't see it.
At congress
**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are s**....
**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.
**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not s**....
**speaker: T**hank you. Let's continue. ...
Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."
Asked to give a statement after a cigarette sparked a fire that burned down a sweatshop where their products were being made, Old Navy replied:
"It's a travesty. It's a truly, horrific travesty. Nobody should be allowed to sell cigarettes to children that age!"
Marshall Mathers wants to make a statement but he doesn't want anyone to know he's saying it so
He requests eminemity.
Gordon the Gopher Joke
I'm not surprised about Philip Schofield. Growing up I remember him presenting with Gordon the Gopher from inside that closet! Joking aside, that cannot have been an easy statement to make. People come out at different stages in their lives. Good luck Philip xxxx
Eminem Coronavirus joke
Apparently, Eminem is rumored to be diagnosed with Coronavirus
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
I hate when people start their statement with well for starters
and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.
6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.
Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00
Balance: £0.00
Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?
Because it said 'new balance' on it.
One broom said to the other...
'New brooms are always better than old ones.'
'Wow, that's a sweeping statement.' the other broom replied.
Today I saw a man use a knot that had the statement "Love both men and women"
I didn't think I would witness an actual s**... bi-words
