The Best 82 Statement Jokes

My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.

I thought, that's such a blanket statement.

A two person plane crashes into a cemetery.

Police have released a statement saying that its the worse tragedy they have seen in years. So far they have found over 600 dead with fears of the number increasing as digging continues in the morning.

Don't forget capital letters...

In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

How Long is a Chinese name

* That's the joke.

* You have people thinking about how to answer how long the name is. When the actual joke is that the Chinese person is named How Long.

* It's pretty funny to see peoples reactions to this joke and to see how they reply to it when all you're really making is a statement.

I had my credit card stolen.

About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.

What do you call a generalization made by a farmer?

An overall statement.

Breaking News: It has been reported that last night someone broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets in the building.

Police have issued a statement saying that at this moment they have nothing to go on.

Ronald Reagan's Memory

One day a reporter confronted Ronald Reagan about a previous statement he had made. "Mr. President, you said that you would resign if your memory started to fade," the reporter said. Reagan smiled and replied, "I don't remember saying that."

How Long is a China mans name.

Thats a statement not a question.

The police just released a statement that someone is going around pickpocketing midgets.

I'm surprised someone could stoop so low.

A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."

The monk then pulls out a pistol from his robe and shoots the vendor. After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."

BREAKING - The Russian Navy has released a statement after accidentally sinking one of it's own submarines

Oops, wrong sub.

Monica Lewinsky just released a statement on the presidential candidacy of Hillary Clinton...

She was quoted as saying that she can't vote for Hillary, because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Statement from the moderates regarding "The Darkening"

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

My first self-made joke

A professor asks his students "If i told you that 90% of Asians end up not getting married , Will you believe that statement ? "
A student rises up and answers "Yes"
Professor "Why would you believe that ?"
Student "Because Asians are smart"

I was looking at my bank statement and realized I was a .1 percent-er

I don't know why anyone wants to be one, it's a crappy interest rate.

I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.

I'm a one night stand kind of man.

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics

Don't believe me? Just watch.

Police report: Group of mimes and jesters arrested after brawl.

Police arrested a group of mimes and jesters for starting a fight.

After questioning the 2 gangs, the cops were convinced the jesters were just acting like fools. But the mimes have yet to make a statement.

After much discussion, it was decided that Korea would divide its capital city into two, half for North and half for South, the job of splitting the city went to some unusual ministers: Cenobites. In their first public address about their new task, they gave their mission statement:

"We'll tear your Seoul apart"

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

Monica Lewinski released a statement that said she would be voting for Donald Trump

the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.

"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"

- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before

Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. ..

Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".

Camped

Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.

Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'

Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.

Police responded to a call outside the Playboy mansion.

Mr. Hefner called the police to remove a group of monks selling daisies out of an illegal roadside stand in front of the Playboy mansion. A police spokesperson released a statement "we responded promptly to Mr. Hefner's call because as everybody knows, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

I'm not buying anything from any of Trump's or his family's businesses

Not a political statement, I just don't have any money.

A Catholic girl walks into a confessional and says "Father, I think I may be pregnant."

He replies "How did this happen, my child?"
She says "It must be the second coming."
The Priest is shocked by this statement and asks "What makes you think this?"
She replies "Because I swallowed the first."

Emergency broadcast alert.

Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet.

Such innocence and wisdom in one statement.

I hate all sleep accessories

But I don't know if it's a good idea to make such a blanket statement.

My friend said cancer was nothing to joke about

I found that statement rather tumorous

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."

A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

I got called pretty today...

well actually the full statement was "you're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on the positive things today

A lesbian just told me she can't eat anything with eggs in it...

..I told her to think about that statement for a minute...

Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.

Police are looking into it.

And are preparing a probing investigation.

The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true.

If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

I don't want to make a blanket statement...

But my sheets are dirty.

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

The White House just released a statement that...

Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.

What is the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?

Says one man to another. The second replies, it's maid Marian, isn't it? . The first man scoffs and replies absolutely not, her name is Trudy Glenn.
At this point the second man is beyond confused and questions the statement I disagree, I can't say I've ever heard of her.
The first man says haven't you heard the song? To which he is replied to with what song?
'Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glenn.'

What's the necrophiliacs' mission statement?

We put the D in dead.

Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.

The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."

A suspected cannibal stood in front of a judge and was asked to give his final statement, to which he replied:

"If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man".

Either way half of the members are stupid. The speaker doesn't see it.

At congress

**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are stupid.

**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.

**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not stupid.

**speaker: T**hank you. Let's continue. ...

Asked to give a statement after a cigarette sparked a fire that burned down a sweatshop where their products were being made, Old Navy replied:

"It's a travesty. It's a truly, horrific travesty. Nobody should be allowed to sell cigarettes to children that age!"

I hate when people start their statement with well for starters

and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said 'new balance' on it.

Kim Jong Un released a statement today

I don't know what it said it must've been Morse code, all it said was *beep* *beep* *beep* *beeeeeep*

Today I saw a man use a knot that had the statement "Love both men and women"

I didn't think I would witness an actual suicide bi-words

Jerry Falwell Jr has resigned his post as president from the school that his father founded

When reporters were seeking a statement, he was not at Liberty to respond

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm...

That's just a blanket statement.

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

An English teacher is giving a lesson about double negatives and how they turn positive. The teacher then states that there are no double positives that make a negative statement.

A student in the back says "yeah, right".

Everyone says an apple a day keeps the doctor away is a incorrect statement

But I'm starting to think people just aren't as good at throwing as I am.

I like to bring a booklet of jokes whenever I sit down to join a conversation at a table,

because as soon as it is my turn to start talking,
I can lay my booklet down and begin my statement by saying:

"Jokes aside, ..."

Interesting Parliaments.

Member of Parliament: Mr speaker, half of the members in this house are stupid.

Speaker: Honourable member please withdraw that statement.

Member of parliament: My apologies Mr speaker, half of members in this house are not stupid.

Speaker: Thank you, lets move on.

A man had been away from home for 3 days trying to hunt a deer.

Finally, he was able to shoot the largest deer he had ever seen.

He took it home and kept it a surprise from everybody else. He cooked it in the shed so that no one could see what it was.

When he brought the cooked deer to the table, his kids asked what it was.

"It's what your mother calls me," he said with a smile on his face.

The eldest son was repulsed by this statement and shouted, "Nobody eat it! It's a dog!"

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Local Man Killed After Being Struck By Lightning

Statement from police: he would have been fine if he had stopped resisting

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing 'Rimmel Vibrant Shades' lipstick - she claims it breaks too easily and it makes her breath smell .

She gave the following statement:

The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis ..

A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.

A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.

"My beautiful BMW! The god-damned door was torn right off!"

The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the crash."

The man looks down at the bloody stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"

Did you know that on average, people want 3 covers on their beds at all times?

It's just a blanket statement.

I'm going to make a blanket statement

All comforters are comfortable

Saying a quilt and a comforter are the same thing...

..is just a blanket statement.

I was just saw a robbery at the Apple Store

The police needed me to give a statement as an iwitness

Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine

It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!

A horse walks into a bar...

and orders a beer.

As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"

The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.

See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement, "I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.