Statement Jokes

He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her, for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.

My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.

I thought, that's such a blanket statement.

A two person plane crashes into a cemetery.

Police have released a statement saying that its the worse tragedy they have seen in years. So far they have found over 600 dead with fears of the number increasing as digging continues in the morning.

How Long is a Chinese name

* That's the joke.
* You have people thinking about how to answer how long the name is. When the actual joke is that the Chinese person is named How Long.
* It's pretty funny to see peoples reactions to this joke and to see how they reply to it when all you're really making is a statement.

Ronald Reagan's Memory

One day a reporter confronted Ronald Reagan about a previous statement he had made. "Mr. President, you said that you would resign if your memory started to fade," the reporter said. Reagan smiled and replied, "I don't remember saying that."

Official statement from Prince Andrew:
I did not have sweaty relations with that girl

I never make an absolute statement.

My first self-made joke

A professor asks his students "If i told you that 90% of Asians end up not getting married , Will you believe that statement ? "
A student rises up and answers "Yes"
Professor "Why would you believe that ?"
Student "Because Asians are smart"

I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.

I'm a one night stand kind of man.

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics

Don't believe me? Just watch.

Police report: Group of mimes and jesters arrested after brawl.

Police arrested a group of mimes and jesters for starting a fight.
After questioning the 2 gangs, the cops were convinced the jesters were just acting like fools. But the mimes have yet to make a statement.

After much discussion, it was decided that Korea would divide its capital city into two, half for North and half for South, the job of splitting the city went to some unusual ministers: Cenobites. In their first public address about their new task, they gave their mission statement:

"We'll tear your Seoul apart"

I'd like to say that ALL quilts are great...

...but I try to avoid making blanket statements.

"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.

"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"
- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before

What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

What're you asking me for? I have Asperger's.

Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...

"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.

Camped

Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.

Emergency broadcast alert.

Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet.
Such innocence and wisdom in one statement.

I hate all sleep accessories

But I don't know if it's a good idea to make such a blanket statement.

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

The press should have given Sean Spicer a 5th attempt at clarifying his statement.

Who knows, maybe he finally figured out the final solution.

It's difficult to get anything specific out of a bedding expert...

...since they're always making blanket statements

A lesbian just told me she can't eat anything with eggs in it...

..I told her to think about that statement for a minute...

Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.

Police are looking into it.
And are preparing a probing investigation.

A guy stole my wallet a few years ago. I noticed some unusual charges on my credit card statement.

I didn't report it because he was spending less than my wife.

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"
Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

What is the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?

Says one man to another. The second replies, it's maid Marian, isn't it? . The first man scoffs and replies absolutely not, her name is Trudy Glenn.
At this point the second man is beyond confused and questions the statement I disagree, I can't say I've ever heard of her.
The first man says haven't you heard the song? To which he is replied to with what song?
'Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glenn.'

The White House has cancelled their annual Christmas Pageant

In an official statement, they said the reason was because they couldn't find three wise men.

Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.
In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.

The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."

Money can't buy you happiness.

But it can buy you the ability to make motivational statements.

I shouldn't make blanket statements about autistic people but…

a lot of them do enjoy being wrapped in blankets.

Let's see if anyone knows this statement.

What has 4 letters, never has 5 letters, always has 6 letters, sometimes has 9 letters.

Asked to give a statement after a cigarette sparked a fire that burned down a sweatshop where their products were being made, Old Navy replied:

"It's a travesty. It's a truly, horrific travesty. Nobody should be allowed to sell cigarettes to children that age!"

Marshall Mathers wants to make a statement but he doesn't want anyone to know he's saying it so

He requests eminemity.

What do you call the statement that the *Bismarck* never sunk a British Ship?

A "False-Hood"

Gordon the Gopher Joke

I'm not surprised about Philip Schofield. Growing up I remember him presenting with Gordon the Gopher from inside that closet! Joking aside, that cannot have been an easy statement to make. People come out at different stages in their lives. Good luck Philip xxxx

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said 'new balance' on it.