The Best 54 Stated Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Stated jokes. There are some stated began jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stated statement puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Stated Jokes and Puns

Anyone hear about the conspiracy theorist who died and went to heaven?

When he arrived, God stated that He grants all His children one question. The man promptly asked, "Who killed Kennedy?" God replied, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald, on the 6th floor, with his own gun, and he acted alone." The man thought for a moment then disappointingly replied "This goes higher up then I imagined."

So an Italian man and a Greek man we're arguing over which of their countries was the better one...

...and they eventually got to the topic of sex. The Greek, feeling as though had would clearly win with his next point, stated very boldly, "Oh yea? Well, we Greeks invented the art of sex!"

Without skipping a beat, the Italian replied, "True, but *we* invented sex with women!"

eye roller of a dog joke

Mrs Young was walking to the grocery store when her neighbor came up to her and said "Hello Debra, How's your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike."

"Oh" said Mrs Young "That could NOT have been my dog"

"Oh, why not?" replied her neighbor "I'm pretty sure it was her"

"Well" stated Mrs. Young smiling "my dog doesn't ride a bike"

Stated joke, eye roller of a dog joke

Jose takes a trip to the USA

Jose just returned to Mexico and couldn't wait to me about his trip to the USA.

He said he went to a baseball game and sat in the outfield stands, directly underneath the flagpole. He said the game was great and all the Americans were so polite. Before the game stated, they turned to him and saluted him. Then they started singing to him, "Jose, can you see!"

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...

As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.

"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.

"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.

The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"


An old woman ask her husband of 65 years...

what would you do if I stated smoking?

He quickly replies "Slow down and use more lube."

So I was trying to get some solid advice on consensual sex from a police officer.

Apparently 9/10 police officers stated that if you can't say no, it means yes.

The clorophorm didn't work on the tenth officer.

Stated joke, So I was trying to get some solid advice on consensual sex from a police officer.

Today, my teacher stated that he used to work for NASA.

He told that class that he became a teacher because it paid more.

Jared Fogle was given 15 years in prison today...

He was reportedly ok with it, and when reached for comment stated "As long as it's under 18."

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

The Reporter of Puns!

There was once a reporter known for his unique puns. Every day for his newscast, he would share the news with a nice pun at the end. One day he recieved a story of ten people killed in a shooting. He delivered the story and at the end stated that there was no pun in ten dead.

You can explore stated counsel reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stated restrain dad jokes. There are also stated puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Justice Scalia stated that he wants to be cremated after his death

Millions of women are meeting now to discuss if that's what is best for his body.

A blonde says to another:

Guess what? I solved a puzzle this morning. The other girl says: so what? What's the big deal?
"Well, I solved it in half an hour when the instructions manual clearly stated '3-5 years".

A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today...

When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares"

A Mexican man has been running away from the cops for 3 days...

The authorities stated that he is a Juan-ted man

Stated joke, A Mexican man has been running away from the cops for 3 days...

The dad, husband and pastor of a woman arrive outside a hospital delivery room

The nurse stated that the hospital policy only allowed one person to be in the delivery room with the woman. Unfortunately, all 3 became confused when the woman giving birth screamed, "FATHER I NEED YOU".

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

When the coroner's report came back, it stated my nine month old son had died due to neglect…

Nothing to do with me though, I was at the bar at the time…


Officials recently stated that inmates on death row will no longer be granted a final meal

Just desserts.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

My family went to the beach with Michael Jackson...

My wife was laying out, working on her tan.
She turned and looked at Michael and she stated
"Excuse me Michael... You're in my son."

Johnny was in school, and asked to go to the bathroom.

His teacher replied, "Not before you recite the alphabet correctly".

Johnny pleaded, "But I have to go really bad!", but his teacher was unrelenting.

Johnny said, "A B C D E F G, H I J K L M N O, Q R S T U V W X Y and Z"

The teacher stated, "What about the P?"

Johnny said, "It's running down my leg".

A pastor was charge for assault after claiming he was a pacifist.

He also stated that if anybody disrespects the Bible they will catch these pastor fist.

A woman goes to a pharmacy.

"I need to buy some cyanide, I'm going to kill my husband," she said to the pharmacist.

Shocked, he replied, "That would be illegal."

"Oh?" she asked. She pulled out her phone and pulled up a picture. "This is my husband in bed with your wife," she stated.

"Oh," the pharmacist replied. "You didn't say you had a prescription."

So my wife glared at me from across the table and firmly stated You weren't even listening were you?!

I wasn't sure what to say, but I thought That's a strange way to start a conversation .

Scientists are studying the effects of marijuana on the arctic tern, a species of bird.

The studies are so intense they have stated "We are leaving no tern unstoned."

The police recently complimented me on my driving

They left a note on my windscreen which stated Parking Fine

TIL: The Polish Space Program planned to be the first country to send a man to the sun.

When asked how they would prevent their astronauts from burning up, space program officials stated "We'll go at night."

George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter crash.

George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.

Sir, is everything alright? stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, How many is a Brazilian?

In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.

But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.

A group of sheep walk into a buffet.

The waiter approaches the group and says, "the ladies can eat, but the men will only be able to order drinks".

"Baaa... care to explain yourself?" asks one of the rams

"I'm sorry Sir, but as the sign stated on the door, this is an all ewe can eat buffet".

A Hispanic man was shot on a golf course mid-swing

The police report simply stated:
"Hole in Juan"

A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.

The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".

A mathematician was found not-guilty of murdering his wife

even though his fingerprints were found on the murder-weapon.

The judge had to let him go because of the mathematician's argument which stated that "As I am the 'prime' suspect of the murder, I can't possibly be the 'one' to kill her".

An elderly gentleman goes in for his usual colonoscopy exam....

As he lay on his side on the table, the doctor got ready to do the examination.

As the doctor was going in, he looked at the patient and smiled and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection."

The patient, embarrassed, stated earnestly, "But I haven't got an erection."

The doctor said, "No, but I do."

Who is a "dumbass"

While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.

Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "dumbass" as it was completely clear.

One student persisted.

And got the answer - the dictionary stated:

"Dumbass" - the person who looks up for the word "dumbass" in a dictionary.

Our joy was limitless.



Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

A math teacher was lecturing his students about double negatives and positives. He explained that a negative and a negative make a positive and that a positive and negative always make a negative. He also stated that two positives will never make a negative.

A student shouted sarcastically Yeah, right!

A policeman pulled me over.

"Sir, were you drunk driving?" he asked me.

"No," I slurred.

"I'm going to need to step out of your vehicle immediately," he stated.

I laughed. "You're a moron!"

"I'm a moron, am I? How so?"

"You think this is my car."

Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese....

He simply stated, You reeka!

A man shuffles onto a crowded hotel elevator.

Since he couldn't press the floor button, he stated, "Ballroom please".

The lady next to him shuffles a little bit and replies "Sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

My wife is a teacher.

One day I came back home and found a note of my son which stated, " Mom is teaching with laim man. "

I felt proud as she was following her passion and putting her knowledge in use.

Untill I remembered my son is dyslexic.

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

Trump stated that all Americans will live like royalty by the end of his term

More than 2 million people have been coronated already.

Went out with this girl I met on Ok Cupid, I think we clicked, but I never asked her out again. I know this makes me shallow, I just couldn't handle how many kids she had.

To be fair, it was my own fault, she clearly stated in her profile that she was a goat farmer...

A psychiatrist was testing a patient's personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?

The patient answered, Sex.

The shrink drew a square and asked again, What does this remind you of?

Sex, the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

It reminds me of sex, the patient stated.

You seem to be obsessed with sex, the shrink told the patient.

*I'm* obsessed with sex? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody stole my watch! This is Moscow."

Judge: It is stated here that on six occasions, you broke into the boutique.

Man: Yes my Lord.

Judge: How many clothes did you steal?

Man: One dress.

Judge: You broke into the boutique six times but stole only one dress?

Man: My wife didn't like the first five.

Read the whole thing, it's worth it

A woman sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment, her husband has lost interest in sex

The hospital in their defense stated all we did was correct his eyesight

Mr. Green is reading a newspaper by the pool.

A lifeguard walks up and quietly says "Mr. Green there have been some complaints by the other guests."

Mr. Green puts down his paper. "Well I'm sure there isn't much of an issue."

The lifeguard continues, "it appears someone has been peeing in the pool."

"Everyone pees in the pool." Mr. Green stated plainly.

The lifeguard shouts "from the high dive Mr. Green?!?"

A soldier's wife has just returned from her insurance provider and is looking very, very unhappy

"What's the matter?" Her friend asked.

"I went to get my husband covered privately, but the fine print stated: no payouts when the holder dies as a result of an explosion and/or from injuries sustained in an explosion," she replied.

"Oh? So why would that make you unhappy?" Her friend asked.

"Well, it's too late to stop the freaking timer now!"

In 2024 Al Gore decided to run for president again.

His campaign hinged on a song he made to promote the dangers of global warming. It was so popular it became a meme.

After a while, everyone was talking about Al Gore, and, sure enough he became President.

When asked on the News, "How do you think he won," two fallen YouTubers stated, "You can't beat the Al Gore Rhythm."

In continuing attempts to reduce the worlds CO2 emissions, top scientists have found a way to make cars run on Parsley...

A spokesperson for the group has stated that they are now doubling their efforts to make trains run on Thyme.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stated asked jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working stated officials piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes