Uproarious State Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.
They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.
Texas: The Miracle State
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
What state has the smallest soft drinks?
Minisoda
Which U.S. state abbreviation is the best?
I'm not sure, but Oklahoma's is OK.
ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...
Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.
"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."
"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"
"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
That's weird
A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,
"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"
A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...
and spots a speeder.
He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."
A North-Korean officer pulls out a megaphone at the North and South Korean border and yells "Kim Jong-Un is an idiot!" and gets sent to 31 years in a labor camp.
1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.
Statement from the moderates regarding "The Darkening"
You can explore state residents reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean state california dad jokes. There are also state puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?
There are four states of matter.
Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.
I wonder what my wife's favourite US state is.
Maybe Alaska.
Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?
Because the hamburger is in the ground state.
Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario:
Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
o**... Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
Some people want Puerto Rico to become the 51st State...
Some people want Puerto Rico to become the 51st State...
I say let's do it, and find two more new states.
Then we'd have 53 states.
A nice PRIME number...
ONE NATION - INDIVISIBLE
A state trooper pulls over a priest
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Just had the following conversation in court
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You're Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I'm outta here
Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."
Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."
In what state are most cows found in?
Solid
What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?
Mr. President.
Name a popular state that most people live in.
Depression
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
What is 20ft long and has 5 teeth?
The funnel cake line at the Alabama state fair
Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.
What a sad state of affairs.
The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true.
If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.
Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?
It's a sad state of affairs.
Cr
During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"
Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."
My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty."
When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully
Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"
Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."
Me: "Police identify yourself"
Trooper: "State Police"
Me: "Police"
A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death
He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".
If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.
We's have a prime number of states and finally be one nation, indivisible
62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry
... but you can't count Missouri twice.
BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.
They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State
Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..
.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.
Why is Donald Trump moving to Egypt?
To live in a state of de Nile.
Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.
Denial.
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.
A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18
The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.
TIL Texas is called the lone star state
because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.
The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.
As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"
He replied "yes, I have only had water."
The officer says "that's a lie, I can smell wine on your breath"
The priest looks to the sky and says "You did it again, lord!"
It's a good thing Gatorade was created by the University of Florida
If it had been Florida State, they'd call it Seminole Fluid
What state is Lake Michigan in?
In liquid state 😛
Texas is the Lone Star state.
Of course, that's out of a possible 5 stars.
I have a friend who really hates living in Central USA.
She says she's in a constant state of Missouri.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.
I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
I defeated a state chess champion in two moves
My karate lessons really paid off.
Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?
Pumpkin
why do monarchs feel so important?
Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.
Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot
5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.
Why is Texas called the Lone Star state?
Because of all the one-star reviews
People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.
A state surveyor visits a Maine farm.
He tells the old farmer that it's been discovered that his farm may actually be in New Hampshire, and not Maine. After several days of surveying, checking and rechecking, the surveyor tells the old farmer "Yep, I was right, your farm is in New Hampshire, not Maine."
"Good thing," says the old farmer, "Couldn't take another one of those Maine winters."
My girlfriend said we should split up.
When I asked why, she responded I'm just not in a good state right now so I responded, Utah?
What are the worst three states to live?
State of Despair. / State of Confusion. / State of Poverty.
It's a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida…
If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.
What do you get when the government gets involved in digestive issues.
An enema of the state.
In which state is the Great Salt Lake?
Liquid
What did it cost the state to give the convicted cannibal his last meal?
An arm and a leg
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.
Since I moved to Jefferson city
I'm in state of Missouri ):
Did you know that University of Florida was not the first school to invent a hydrating sports drink with Gatorade?
Turns out Florida State couldn't make the marketing work for Seminole Fluid.
