Starting Speech Jokes
23 starting speech jokes and hilarious starting speech puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about starting speech that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Starting Speech Short Jokes
Short starting speech jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The starting speech humour may include short opening speech jokes also.
- Alright, before I start my speech I'd like to give a quick shout out to my grandpa! Cause that's the only way he can hear
- A group of linguists at the key note of a conference They started chanting "Speech! Speech! Speech! ..."
- Suppose you're going to have to give a speech to a bunch of nudists. What do you think you'll do if you start to get nervous?
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Starting Speech One Liners
Which starting speech one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with starting speech? I can suggest the ones about speeches opening and opening presentation.
- I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but...
Starting Speech Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about starting speech you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean starting conversation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make starting speech pranks.
11 Blondes and a brunette
There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.
11 People on a rope
11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said the she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
What's it like to be drunk?
A boy was riding home from school with his dad. He had just started learning about alcohol and drinking in his health class.
"Dad, when you're drinking how do you know you're drunk?"
"Well son, when you're drunk your speech is slurred and your vision gets worse and worse. A drunk person would see 4 cars in front of us and not 2."
"But Dad, there's only 1 car in front of us!"
One day, in Ancient Rome
A senator was late to the Senate, when Cicero was giving a speech. He got there fifteen minutes after the start.
He slipped into his usual seat and whispered to the senator next to him: "What Cicero is talking about?"
His neighbor said: "I don't know, he hasn't got to the verb yet!"
A brunette and 9 blondes are rock climbing...
and get stuck, unable to continue their ascent and also unable to safely retreat. Upset at themselves for not taking safety precautions, they begin discussing any possible ways of getting help. Eventually, the brunette makes a moving speech about why she should be the one to drop down and seek help, potentially injuring herself. Moved by her selflessness and eloquence, the 9 blondes start clapping...
Marriage or Death
At my second wedding my buddy was giving a speech. He started by telling me he had some bad news - 50% of marriages end in divorce. That's not the worst part though - the other half end in death. So I started thinking, my first one ended in divorce, so the odds are in my favor. I wondered about the math, so I started doing the equation and it turns out I'd rather be single than dead.
- I'm writing a set, notes and critiques are more than welcome
As best man it is my job to tell you about the groom, and all the embarrassing things that have happened to him in the 28 years leading up to what was the happiest day of his life until i started this speech.
There were eleven people hanging onto a rope which was hanging from a from an aeroplane.
There were eleven people hanging onto a rope which was hanging from a from an aeroplane. Ten were Blondes, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, 'I'll get off,' and she made a really moving speech.
All of the blondes started immediately applauding.
UN embassy, Ambassador of Israel speaks:
- I want to start my speech with an excursion into history. Long ago, Moses led the Jews through the desert. It was hot, People were thirsty. Then Moses hit the staff on the ground, and a lake appeared.
The jews drinked, and than Moses took off his clothes and went swimming. When he came out of the water, there was no clothes, because it was stolen by the Arabs!
The representative of Palestine jumps up:
- Lying! At that time there were no Arabs there !!!
Israeli Ambassador:
- It was from this that I wanted to start my speech.
An american was invited to a conference in France as a speaker.
He was not speaking French at all but being a smart guy and wanting to impress the audience he learns by heart his entire speech in French.
When his moment come, he goes on the stage and realizes he completely forgot the introduction. So he looks around the room and notices the toilets in the back and ... Eureka! That's it: "Ladies and Gentlemen".
After the speech and the applause, follows the cocktail, he meets a French colleague and asks him how was it. The French guy says:
It was fantastic; your French is really good but you know ... in France we never start a speech with "Toilettes et Pissoirs".
Fruit Joke Request
I'm writing a speech and I need help with a joke, was hoping someone here might have some good ideas.
Part of my speech is where I compare myself to a piece of fruit (currently a peach), using metaphor. I wanted to start out saying something along the lines of "Then I had the epiphany... I was just like this peach... no... I'm not (insert joke)"
The first thought that popped into my head is to say I'm not fruity, but I don't want to be offensive.
Any ideas? I prefer peach related, but any fruit would work.
Thanks!
Door to Door salesman - another oldie
A couple was having their morning routine before they head to their jobs when suddenly the doorbell rang. The wife rushed to the door. When she opened it a man with a bucket full of s,,t rushed in and splashed them all over the carpet with a grin. Before the women could react he started his speech:
- My name is Tom and this is the all new (insert random hoover brand here) vacuum cleaners that is guaranteed to clean any type of mess on your floors, carpets or upholstery. If it doesn`t do the job I will eat all of the s,,t!
At that point the women just asked him:
- Mustard or ketchup?
- Excuse me? - he asked with a blank expression on his face.
- Would you like ketchup or mustard with your s,,t, Tom? - asked the woman again somewhat irritated.
- There is no need for that. Just you wait until you've seen the hoover in action. - he replied with a smirk.
- Oh, but there is. We haven't had electricity for a week.
A religious man goes to buy a car.
When he enters the shop he is greeted by the salesman.After a short conversation, the salesman finds out of the man's devoutness and makes him a special offer.
"We have just acquired a new line of cars engineered to fit and amuse our religious costumers."
He walks him to the car and explains its modifications.
"Another one, is that in order to start it you have to say 'Thank God', and to stop 'For heaven sake' ."
The man likes the car and accepts the offer.On the way home he gets cut by a passing car and goes off course.When he sees that he's headed towards the end a cliff, he starts to push the brake pedal but nothing happens.He then remembers that the car is activated solely by speech, but due to his panicking fails to recall the key phrases.So he starts praying:
"Oh God please help me, for heaven sake!"
The car stops at the last second with its front hanging out of the cliff.Shocked and frightened, the man sighs with relief and says "Oh, Thank God! "
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."
All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row..." he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground.
"I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the..." but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed."
Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
The importance of never being late
A priest celebrates his 25th anniversary as head of a small congregation in a small village in rural America. The mayor was supposed to hold a speech at the beginning, but as always he had more important matters at hand. So the priest started with his speech.
'I know how disturbed I was 25years ago when I came to this village. The first man to confess, I will not name him, told me that he cheated on his wife and had 5 children with his affaire...'
As the priest came to an end the mayor arrived and started his speech: 'I still know I had the honour to be the first one to confess to Father Anderson...'
An elderly senator is sitting in a chair quietly when he is supposed to be giving a speech...
His friend walks up to him and asks him, "Senator, why are you so quiet today?" The senator whispers to him "I accidentally left my teeth at home, can you go fetch them for me?" His friend agrees and gets his teeth.
Once the senator got his teeth, he started his speech. normally, he would go on for no more than half an hour, but this time, he was babbling on and on for over 1 hour and 45 minutes! Once the senator finished, his friend went up to him and asked him "senator, why did you talk for such a long time? You are usually very brief." The senator replies "It's your fault, you gave me my wife's teeth!"
An easy question to Albert Einstein!
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.