Starting College Jokes

Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-a**... student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, **'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'**
(If you guys started putting punchlines in bold I'd love ya forever)

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a
gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma´am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma´am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said:
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said:
"You know, I hope you don´t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had s**...?"
"1955, ma´am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no s**... since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him a few times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:
"Wow, you sure didn´t forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:
"I hope not, it´s only 2130 now."

The officer and the speeding Harley

Officer stops a Harley for speeding so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and give him a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer just walks away...

A college student was golfing with an old man...

And they get to the 6th hole, a very long par 5 with a huge oak tree right in the middle of the start of the fairway.
The college kid says to the old man, "Any advice on this hole? I'm not sure I can carry over the tree but this hole is too long to lay up on the first shot."
The old man snorts with laughter and says, "Hah! A young guy like you? When I was your age I could clear that tree with a 4 iron."
The kid, not wanting to be outdone by this old man, grabs a 3 iron to be safe and takes a whack. THUNK, it hits the tree and bounces back towards him, and the old man laughs at him.
He tries again with a 3 wood and again THUNK, the ball smacks the trunk and rolls back. The old pensioner is now doubled over laughing at this kid's efforts.
Furious at being humiliated, the college kid tries one last time with his new driver and again THUNK the ball is no where near clearing the tree. He turns to the old man and says "Gee mister, you must have been a long hitter when you were younger to clear that tree with a 4 iron."
"Well son," says the old man smiling, "when I was your age that tree was a young sapling only 10 ft tall"

Poetry Competition

The two finalists at the annual poetry competition were an Ivy League college graduate and a r**.... The final stage of the competition was to write a rhyming poem using the word *Timbuktu.* The college graduate stands up to the microphone and starts.
>A desert caravan astray beneath a dusk deep blue
>On a path unknown the camels walk two by two
>Men search the stars for a bearing true
>Destination Timbuktu
The crowd erupted with applause then settled back into their seats. The r**... approaches the microphone, clears his t**... and begins to speak.
>Me n' Tim a huntin' went
>Met three w**... in a pop up tent
>They was three and we was two
>So I buck'd one and Tim-buck'd-two

Spirit bus

A college student named jayden was waiting for the bus after a long day of shenanigans. It was almost midnight. Jayden's bored mind remembered an old myth he heard a while ago. It was about a bus that carried dead spirits to the other world and about it passing by the very station jayden was sitting on. Jayden laughs it off and waits a little longer and a bus came. He went on the vehicle and payed for the ride. But the driver seemed a little strange and the seats were filled with old people and people who seemed to be on the edge of overdosing something. Jayden sat down. As time passed jayden sensed that something was wrong and he started to freak out. 'I need to get of this bus! I'm..i'm not DEAD dude!' Jayden said while flailing his arms like a turtle on his back. Then he felt a cold hand touching him and heard an voice saying. 'Dude, ring the freakin bell.'

An elderly man walked up to me today when I was wearing my Michigan sweatshirt. Without even saying hello, he started telling me...

A beautiful blonde woman visits the doctor for an annual checkup. The doctor looks her over from head to toe doing his routine tests on her. Standing there n**... still, the woman asks the doctor if she seems ok. The doctor looks at her and say, "Ma'am, you're perfectly healthy. The only thing I am concerned about is the giant "W" indented perfectly in the center of your chest."
The woman immediately responds, "Oh, my boyfriend is a college football player and he insists he wears his jersey during s**...."
The intrigued doctor asks, "Oh my, you're boyfriend plays for Wisconsin?!"
The blonde answers quickly, "No. Michigan."

4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"

Logic at the Community College

Looking for a little knowledge, Jimmy walks into his local community college and asks the admissions clerk on duty what classes are being offered. The clerk tells Jimmy there is a logic course starting up soon.
"Logic?" Asks Jimmy, "what's that?"
"Logic is real easy, let me explain it this way, Jimmy do you own a lawnmower?"
"Why yes I do"
"Ok, that must mean you've got a yard"
"Yup"
"If you've got a yard, then you must have a house"
"Sure do"
"And if you've got a house, you probably have kids"
"Three of them!"
"Wow, then you must be a heterosexual male with a beautiful wife at home"
"Yes, yes! This logic thing is pretty cool, sign me up!"
Later that day Jimmy goes home and sees his neighbor Gary and tells Gary about his new college course. Gary says "logic? What's that?"
"Well let me explain it like this", says Jimmy. "Do you own a lawnmower Gary?"
"No, I always borrow yours"
"Well then you must be a homosexual!"

Starting salary

Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineering graduate said, "In the range of $100,000 - 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a brand new BMW?"
The engineering graduate sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Selling Condoms

An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."

Two new parents

Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, What ever possessed you to study Russian?
The couple said proudly, We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.