Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
An envelope.
Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
"Like a boycott?"
"Don't you start"
I love being my own boss.
White people looking both ways before they start
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
52,000 matches
The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
Strange way to start a conversation....
They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
It was a total flop. Nobody came.
....they would start to find me attractive.
When you're eating a watermelon!
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
Popcorn
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*poof*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
start with a large fortune
-1
Robin: What's a tery
On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
I can feel it…
Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
We're called Hispanic at the Disco
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
Interviewer: I see here that you had a five-year gap between jobs. Can you please explain it?
Me: Oh that's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That is very impressive. You can start tomorrow.
Me: Yay, I got a yob.
I'm only making a little prophet.
Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.
The sails are going through the roof
I thought, that's a funny way to start a conversation
But it's still only my first week in Israel.
My Friend asked me Are you mad at her?
I relied with Don't you start too
After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
I'd start thinking about you.
...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."
Start a war.
I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
Electrical Engineer: "It has to be the battery. Let's check that."
Mechanical Engineer: "No, I think it's the engine. Let's check that instead."
IT Admin: "How about this? Let's all get out of the car and get back in."
He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?"
A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."
All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.
...but it flopped and nobody came.
Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.
The Mechanical engineer says: "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says: "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says: "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says: "Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.
when it stops you can watch the pilot start sweating
It's called making the little things count.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
We have collected gags and puns about Start to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Start? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Start pick up lines to share with friends.