The Best 81 Start Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Start jokes. There are some start inception jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these start settle puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Start Jokes and Puns
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
What starts with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter?
An envelope.
I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
My gay friend's had an 80's themes costume party.
I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.
Erect your ears for this one
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
How do you turn lead into gold?
Start a war.
A preacher is reaching....
...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."
I've started a business crafting small figurines of Jesus.
I'm only making a little prophet.
You can explore start initiate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean start retire dad jokes. There are also start puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
LPT: How to pick up girls
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
How many blacks does it take to start a riot?
-1
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion
It was a total flop. Nobody came.
I started an emo salsa band
We're called Hispanic at the Disco
I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...
On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground
Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .
. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
A guy was nailing his interview
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
I've decided to start carrying a knife.
After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
A Guy walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
At the job interview
Interviewer: I see here that you had a five-year gap between jobs. Can you please explain it?
Me: Oh that's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That is very impressive. You can start tomorrow.
Me: Yay, I got a yob.
I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happenβ¦
I can feel itβ¦
My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
I know how to make a small fortune from gambling
start with a large fortune
I started a boat business in the attic.
The sails are going through the roof
I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews
But it's still only my first week in Israel.
8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them
But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people
A person with an art degree walks into a bar.
They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you're eating a watermelon!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you..
I'd start thinking about you.
I searched google for "how to start a large fire"
52,000 matches
I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.
I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?
Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...
....they would start to find me attractive.ο»Ώ
What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?
Popcorn
Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon
They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.
The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
My wife just stopped and said, "you weren't even listening were you"...
I thought, that's a funny way to start a conversation
Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery
Robin: What's a tery
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an IT admin are in a car that won't start.
Electrical Engineer: "It has to be the battery. Let's check that."
Mechanical Engineer: "No, I think it's the engine. Let's check that instead."
IT Admin: "How about this? Let's all get out of the car and get back in."
Do not shampoo in the shower
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
I am disgusted by the youth of today....
Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,
I love being my own boss.
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
White people looking both ways before they start
How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?
They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland? and it's getting really annoying
My Friend asked me Are you mad at her?
I relied with Don't you start too
My wife asked me if "I was listening to her?!"
Strange way to start a conversation....
"I won't use stores that gender kids' beds"
"Like a boycott?"
"Don't you start"
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*poof*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?"
weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
My wife asked me "Are you even listening?!"
My wife asked me "Are you even listening?!"
What a strange way to start a conversation.
What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ?
A teapot.
My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
What a weird way to start a conversation..
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
If we're saying Amen and Awomen now...
Are we going to start having to sing hymns and herns?
A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"
"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.
"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."
When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster."
This makes the blonde furious. "Calm down," says the brunette. "Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box."
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)
A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."
The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."
The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"
"Start? Today's the last day."
It's just started raining really hard and all my wife is doing is standing at the window looking sad...
If it gets any stronger I'll have to let her in
Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?
Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.
How does a pirate start his prayers?
Arrrr Father..
I've started to spread the word about the benefits of dried grapes
I'm just raisin awareness
How many cities does it take to start a global pandemic?
Only Wuhan.
A blonde, a brunette and a red head were in a doctors office and they were all pregnant..
The brunette says, " I know I'm having a boy because I was on the bottom."
The redhead says "Then I must be having a girl because I was on the top!"
The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably and the two other girls start comforting her asking what's wrong...
The blonde looks at them through her teary eyes and exclaims "I'm having puppies!!"
I'm terrified of elevators.
So I've decided that I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
A drunkard was brought to court for dunkenis behavior
The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."
Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."
All, present in the court, burst out laughing.
Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."
Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."
It started to rain suddenly so I lent this attractive young woman my umbrella.
That takes the total number of hot girls I have made wet this year to minus one.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the start continue jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working start onset piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.