She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.
An envelope.
Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
I love being my own boss.
White people looking both ways before they start
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."
"Why circle them?" asks the son.
The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."
You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying
They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
If you can't come let me know.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
52,000 matches
The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
It was a total flop. Nobody came.
Was a total flop, nobody came.
....they would start to find me attractive.
When you're eating a watermelon!
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
Popcorn
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people
I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.
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