Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Start Jokes
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a v**...."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
What starts with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter?
An envelope.
I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
e**... your ears for this one
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an e**.... He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
LPT: How to pick up girls
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
How many b**... does it take to start a riot?
-1
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
You can explore start initiate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean start retire dad jokes. There are also start puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion
It was a total flop. Nobody came.
I started an emo salsa band
We're called Hispanic at the Disco
I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...
On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had s**.... I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground
Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .
. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
I have just started a s**... relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the s**... window...
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
A guy was nailing his interview
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
A Guy walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happenβ¦
I can feel itβ¦
My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
I know how to make a small fortune from gambling
start with a large fortune
8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them
But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people
A person with an art degree walks into a bar.
They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you're eating a watermelon!
I searched google for "how to start a large fire"
52,000 matches
I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.
I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...
....they would start to find me attractive.ο»Ώ
What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?
Popcorn
Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon
They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.
The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery
Robin: What's a tery
Do not shampoo in the shower
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
I am disgusted by the youth of today....
Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of a**... I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,
I love being my own boss.
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
White people looking both ways before they start
How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?
They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
My wife asked me if "I was listening to her?!"
Strange way to start a conversation....
"I won't use stores that gender kids' beds"
"Like a boycott?"
"Don't you start"
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*p**...*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ?
A teapot.
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"
"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.
"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."
When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster."
This makes the blonde furious. "Calm down," says the brunette. "Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box."
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
β
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)
I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country
but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel
Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.
I suggest he start with the prosecution.
How does every racist joke start?
By looking over both shoulders.
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."
The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."
What starts with a W and ends with a T
It really does, I swear!
You know why I hate elevators?
Half the time they are up to something, the other half they are just bringing you down. I should really start taking steps to avoid them..
Just started my job as an executioner
I'll beheading there soon!
My wife yelled at me "are you even listening to me"
I said "that's a funny way to start a conversation"
What starts with a W, and has 3 letters, but ends with a T
I'm not asking
I told my wife she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave me a hug.
A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three monthsβ¦.,
I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"
"In 3 months," the employee replies.
My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.
How does every Mexican joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
My girlfriend said to me "Are you even listening to me?!"
Strange way to start a conversation.
A horse walks into a bar...
and orders a beer.
As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.
See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement, "I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago
Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?
Start with $44B
What's your favourite Chuck Norris joke?
Let's start with one of my favs:
"Chuck Norris' password is the last 9 digits of pi."
What starts with T, ends with T, but only has T in ?
Teapot
"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"
Her phone rings.
"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."
You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"
Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."
I'm so stressed by work, family, etc. I decided to start running every day
I think I've reached Iowa
A guy looking to become a bee farmer went to a seasoned Apiarist and asked if he could buy some bees off him to start up a hive. The Apiarist said he had plenty to spare and was having a sale for 50 bees for $50...
The man bought the bees, went home and began putting the bees into the empty hive; he counted each one to make sure he got his moneys worth but by the end of the gruelling task he realized he had not 50 but 51 bees. He called the seasoned Apiarist and asked why he was given 51 bees when the sale was for 50.
The Apiarist replied: >!that's a free-bee!<
A horse walks into a bar.......
The bartender asks "hey, why the long face? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" and promptly disappears.
You see, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement "I think, therefore I am" and I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but *that would be putting Descartes before the horse*.
What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between.
Just stating the obvious.
Started teaching myself braille by reading a horror story.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
I've started crossbreeding m**... and vegetables
Maybe I'll earn a higher celery.
I started working out recently and I've already lost 10kg!
Somebody stole one of my dumbbells
I've just started dating an anaesthesiologist
She's a real knockout
