stars Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious stars puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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Three porn stars were getting drunk

And they started bragging to each other about their exploits


Porn star 1 said: Girls, I'm easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting for the game to end.


Porn star 2 then said: Pshhh! You're a nerdy teenager compared to me. I fucked an entire fraternity when I was in college. Even the pledges. And I did it by just walking up, knocking on the front door, and asking who was ready for some fun.


Porn star 1 was taken aback... but porn star 3 didn't even blink. She just said girls, compared to me, you two may as well be a couple of catholic nuns. Wasn't long ago that I fucked every man, woman, and child in these here United States. And I did it by signing a non disclosure agreement during an election year.

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

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Son: Dad, how do stars die?

Dad: Drugs, usually.

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Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"

"And who will you be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

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I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

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Orion's Belt is a waist of space.

Bad pun, I know. 3 stars at best.

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"Orion's belt is a terrible waist of space".

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

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What are porn stars paid?

Income

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My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

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Orion's Belt is a big waist of space!

Terrible joke.

Only three stars.

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Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

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"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

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"Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?"

"Shuriken"

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One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself

What the hell happened to the roof?

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So Holmes and Watson go camping...

After a long trek through the woods they pitch their tent and turn in. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and asks him "Look up in the sky. What do you see?"

To that, Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars"
Holmes followed up with another question: "What do you deduce from that?" to which Watson answered "If there are millions of stars, and even a few of them are planets, it means that there should be planets out there like Earth out there and if there are, that means that there is indeed other life outside of Earth"

Holmes looked him square in the face and said "Watson you idiot it means someone stole our tent!"

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Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

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"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space "

Terrible jokes. Only 3 stars

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Two friends are drinking in a bar...

Before they know it, the night has passed into the wee hours of the morning. The first man turns to the second and says "I'll be in trouble when I get home to the wife again. Every time I'm home late I get a taxi to a few doors down, creep round to the back door, take my shoes off, tip toe up the stars and sneak into bed without a sound. She always wakes up and gives me a good shouting."
"Try what I do," says the second man. "I drive across the lawn, slam the front door, stomp upstairs and turn the bedroom light on. Then I jump into bed, slap my wife on the arse, and say 'how about a quicky?' She's fast asleep every time."

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"Dad, how do stars die?"

– Usually an overdose.

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"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally"

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Sometimes, at the end of a long day, I like to lie in my bed, look up at the stars, and think…

"Where the fuck did my roof go?"

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After a long day, I like to lie down on my bed, look up at the stars and think to myself:

Where the fuck has the roof gone?

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After a long day I like to lay down in my bed, look up at the stars, and think to myself..

Where the hell did my roof go?

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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

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Donald Trump Pulls Out of Iran Deal.

Man, these porn stars come up with weird names.

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Old joke is old but still great

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

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Porn stars are poorer than we think.

When is the last time you saw one able to even afford a pizza?

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What's a porn stars favorite drink?

7up in cider

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Sherlock says

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"What does it tell you, Watson?"

Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!

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Can the ninja throw his ninja stars?

Shurikan

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A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

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When I see stars I think of you...

Because you're only beautiful from a distance.

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Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping
trip...

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they
retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see.

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies
Watson.

And what do you deduce from that?

Watson ponders for a minute.

Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately
a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that
God is all powerful and that we are a small and
insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell
you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!
he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

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The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

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Love

Girl: what do you think of our love

Me: count the stars

Girl: awww.... its infinite

Me: no, its a waste of time.

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Why do porn stars hate driving?

Because people always pull out infront of them.

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I met a ninja and asked if he could throw those pointy stars that ninjas have.

He said, "shuriken."

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anyone interested in a good Sherlock Holmes joke?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."

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I don't know if this has been posted before but it's one of my favourite jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." Replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter to four. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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Grandad what's a cunt?

One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"
The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman posing.
"You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below Johnny?"
"Yes."
"Well the person who put them there is a cunt."

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Last night, I was laying in my bed, looking up the stars as I thought to my self..

Where the fuck is my roof??

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"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space."

Terrible joke. Only three stars.

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Two blondes in NY are sitting on a balcony at night

Two blondes are sitting on a balcony at night staring at the stars and moon. One of them asks the other, "what do you think is further, the moon or Florida?" The other responds, "hello?!?! Can you see Florida from here?!?!"

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Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson's Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

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What's the difference between "To Catch a Predator" and Harvey Weinstein?

One stars molesters, while the other molests stars.

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I told my girlfriend she has eyes like stars...

Very dim and far apart.

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My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died...

she was attacked by a giant crab

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Some nights I just lie down and stare up at the stars and I wonder

what happened to my roof

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I went to a restaurant on the summit of Mt. Everest.

I give it 3 stars. Food was good, not much atmosphere though.

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Clever kid.

A couple wants some private time, but their flat is small and they can't guarantee that their young son won't be able to hear them. In the end they come up with a plan- every time they want to make love they tell their son to stand out on the balcony and describe everything he sees (this way they get warning when he's about to come back in). So one evening the kid stands on the balcony and says "It's dark and the stars are out. I can see orion! A lot of the flats have their lights on. There's a man walking his dog, the Johnsons are having sex..."
The couple leap out of bed "what?! How can you tell that the Johnsons are having sex?"
"I can see little Timmy Johnson standing out on their balcony."

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My wife's star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died.

Mauled to death by a giant crab.

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Son: Dad how do stars die?

Dad: Drugs, Usually

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Today my daughter asked me, "Dad, how do stars die?"

I replied , "Usually an overdose."

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I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5

It was a pi rated DVD

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Sam Loved Ninjas

Little Sam loved ninjas. He'd think about them all day and watch ninja movies all night.

He had a ninja costume, throwing stars, the whole shebang.

One day he's playing around and whacks himself in the eye with a nunchuck, he runs downstairs to his mum bawling "Mummy mummy mummy look what happened!."

She sees the welt on her little boy's face and freaks out "Oh my god sam! Your eye!"

Suddenly Sam stops crying, looks up and says "For the thousandth time mum, I'm not a samurai, I'm a fucking ninja."

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Question for the Class

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little johny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, little johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," little johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

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I sat back looking at the stars and began to think..

Where the HECK is my roof?!

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Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.

He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I'd like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."

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Has been posted before, but one of my favorites.

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?"
Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars."
Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?"
After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?"
Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.

Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"

Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".

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"Darling, your teeth are like stars."

"So yellow and so far apart..."

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson....

...were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

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Sherlock and Watson go camping

Sherlock and Dr. Watson go camping. They pitch their tent and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson and says: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes asks, "And what do you deduce from that?" "Well, if there are millions of stars," Watson says, "there must be some with planets, and some of those planets must be like Earth. And if there are planets like Earth, there might be planets with life." And Holmes says, "Watson, you idiot, it means someone stole our tent."

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Little Johnny was in class when his teacher

Little Johnny was in class when his teacher told the class that she would be introducing something new. Every Friday she would ask them a question and the quickest student to get it right would get the next Monday off school.

The first Friday she asks them 'how many blades of grass are there in the field?'
Of course no one puts their hand up.

The second Friday she asks them 'how many stars are there in the sky?'
Again no one puts their hand up.

Little Johnny, determined to get Monday off decides to prepare for next Friday.
He collects a bag of ping-pong balls and paints them black then takes them in for Friday's question.

That Friday the teacher finishes the last lesson and is about to ask the question when 20 black balls fly around the classroom.
Crossly she says 'who's the comedian with the black balls?'
Little Johnny replies 'Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!'

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Sherlock and Watson take a vacation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

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Last night I was laying in bed, looking at the stars...

And then I wondered,


Where the fuck did my roof go?

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By all means shoot for the stars

Just aim for their bodyguards first

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Last night I was laying in bed looking at the stars and I thought to myself

What the hell happened to my roof?

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I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.

Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars.

Holmes said: and what do you deduce from that?

Watson replied: Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.

And Holmes said: Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping...

They pitched their tents under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the night Holmes woke Watson up and said "Watson, look up at the sky. Tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars" replied Watson; to which Holmes said "And what do you deduce from that?"

"Well, if there are millions of stars and systems, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely that there are some planets out there like Earth. And if there are even a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.

And Holmes replied "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole your tent!"

**

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A dad and son went on a camping trip...

A dad and his son went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the son said, "Dad, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".
His father responded, "I see millions and millions of stars".
The son asked, "So what does that tell you?"
The father answered, "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, son?"
"It tells me you forgot to pack the tent again"

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Dad, how do stars die?

Usually an overdose.

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A Sherlock Holmes Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner , they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.

And what do you deduce from that?

Watson ponders for a minute. Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment.

Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

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What's the difference between Prince and a White Dwarf?

Nothing, they're both dead stars.

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My wife's starsign was cancer, which makes how she died pretty ironic.

Attacked by a giant crab.

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I prefer illegally downloading bangbros videos over watching free sites.

It feels more like I'm the one fucking the porn stars.

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I really like white dwarf stars...

...My favorite is Peter Dinklage.

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What do you call a movie with 3.14 stars?

Pirated

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I really admire the work ethic of porn stars...

Those guys are fucking professionals.

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I rate the next One Direction album...

...four out of five stars.

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Why do ninjas make bad porn stars?

Because nobody can see them coming.

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Why do people prefer shooting stars to vegetables?

Because they're meteor

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Last night I was laying in bed for hours watching the stars pass when I suddenly thought...

Where the hell has my roof gone?

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I laid in bed last night, looking up at the stars and I said to myself-

Where the hell is my ceiling!?

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip

They set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

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Sherlock and Watson Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

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A father and son went on a camping trip

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip.
They set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father : "Look up to the sky and tell me what you see?"
Son : "I see millions of stars."
Father : "And what does that tell you?"
Son : "Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets."
Father slaps the son hard and says, "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"

MORAL : Too much education can spoil or common sense.

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What's the difference between pop stars and porn stars?

Porn stars can probably sing.

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Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.

I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson," he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson.

"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"

Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson... someone has stolen our tent."

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The Best B.S-er

There was a competition between the three best B.S-ers in the world.
The first man said, "My great grandfather was so tall, that he could reach the apples on the top of the tall apple tree without having to stretch."

The second man said, "My great grandfather was so tall, he would reach up int the sky and re-arrange the stars"

The third man said "when your great grandfather felt those stars, did they feel soft and sort of mushy?

He responded "yes as a matter of fact they were.
The third man said "yeah, those were my great grandfathers balls."

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Son : Dad, how does stars die ?

Dad: Usually an overdose .

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Sometimes i look up at the stars, the sky and wonder...

... Where the FUCK did my roof go?

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Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.

I know, terrible joke. Only three stars.

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"Mom, why is my sister named Star?"

"Because your dad loves stars honey."
"Oh, thanks mom."
"No problem, Richard."

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If the cops were asked to rate a GTA game...

They'd give it 5 stars.

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I was really disappointed when I came last in the astronomy competition, but they still gave me a map of the stars just for participating.

It was a constellation prize

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Did you know Auschwitz has the highest hotel rating?

1.1 million stars

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

Sorry if re-post, a friend sent it to me over a text, and I thought it was worthy enough to go on here!


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. After dinner, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged Watson.

"Watson, look up at the sky. tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see billions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

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Why did Kevin Spacey go to space?

To molest young stars.

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Tell a person there's a million stars in the sky and he'll believe you.

But tell a person that the bench is freshly painted and he'll touch it just to make sure.

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What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They're both en route to uranus to wipe out the klingons

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Holmes and Watson on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.

What does that tell you? Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.

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What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons.

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tent for the night. Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, wake up and tell me what you see?"

"I see millions of stars."

"And what do you deduce from that, Watson?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Sherlock?"

Holmes rolled his eyes. "Watson, you idiot! It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!"

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Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible Joke. 3 Stars.

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I always said "Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

But apparently that's not a valid excuse and I can't work for NASA anymore.

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Little Sam loves ninjas

He has a ninja costume, throwing stars, the whole shebang. One day he's playing and whacks himself in the eye with a nunchuck.

He runs downstairs to his mum, bawling.

"Mummy, look what happened!"

She sees the welt and screams, "Sam, your eye!"

Sam stops crying, looks up and says, "For the thousandth time, Mum. I'm not a samurai, I'm a fucking ninja"

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"Daddy , how do stars die ?"

"Drugs , usually"

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert...

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell YOU, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent."

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Women are like stars...

At first they are small and hot, then they get bigger and bigger, then finally they suck the life out of everything around them.

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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered,

Where the hell is my roof?

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The world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said:
"Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely that there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said:

"Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

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Sherlock Holmes goes camping

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping one night.
They've had a great evening but it's getting late so they go to sleep.
In the middle of the night Holmes elbows Watson awake and says - Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce. Watson looks up and says - Well, there's million of stars out there and if just some of them are like are star then maybe some of them have planets and if some of those planets are like our planet then maybe........just maybe....... there's two other people out there right now looking at our star and wondering the same thing.
No you twat, says Holmes, someone's stolen our tent!

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An Irish bar

A drunk Irishman sitting at a bar starts talking to the gentleman next to him.

'Where you from?' He asks the stranger.

'Born and raised in Dublin, Ireland." The stranger says raising his glass.

'Get the fuck out of here, I was born and raised in Dublin also!" The man cries in surprise. 'Where'd you go to school?'

'I graduated from Saint Mary's in 1985.'

'By the stars, I graduated in 1985 from Saint Mary's also!'

The two continue talking when a regular walks into the bar. "How are things tonight?' He asks the bartender.

Bartender shrugs and says 'All right, the McManus twins are drunk again."



*Sure it's a repost, but one of my favorite St Patrick's Day jokes!

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Albert Einstein and Benjamin Franklin go camping.

They arrive at the campsite and set their tent up and get everything ready. Night time comes and they decide to go into the tent and go to sleep.

During the night Albert wakes up and can see the stars so he wakes up Benjamin and asks him "Hey we can see the stars what does this mean?' Benjamin being very intelligent and smart gives Albert a very thorough scientific explanation explaining why they can both see the stars. Albert rolls over and looks at Benjamin and says "No you damn fool, someone stole our fucking tent!"

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If Ursa Minor is made up of stars...

is it safe to call it a Solar Bear?

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What's the best hotel in the world?

Auschwitz. 1.3 million stars.

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One for fellow Australians

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three paratroopers are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from Nuh Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins...

Dinis the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, soldier there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 11km HALO jump in the jungle, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'


Jonno, the Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

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Club promoters are like porn stars

They get paid to make people come

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2 Guys go Camping...

They both fall asleep in a tent. The first guy wakes up in the middle of the night, and wakes the second guy up.

Guy 1: "Hey, look up, what do you see?"

Guy 2: "I see stars"

Guy 1: "Yeah, and what do you think that means?"

Guy 2: "Well, considering how many stars I see, there is a good chance that somewhere out there in the world, there is some other life form for us to discover."

Guy 1: "No you idiot, it means someone stole our tent!"

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Yesterday I lay in bed looking up at the stars thinking....

Where the hell is my ceiling?!

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A man is sitting next to his brother...

Looking up at the stars, and he says to his brother "Y'know, looking at the stars every night makes me wonder." "What does it make you wonder? The fact that space is basically endless? As a comparison to the vast nature of the human mind?" The brother responded. "No, it makes me wonder where the fuck our roof went."

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Poetry about Pawn Stars

You want a poem?

Best I can do is haiku,

take it or leave it.

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How much money do porn stars make?

A fuckload.

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A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."

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What do politicians and porn stars have in common?

They're both experts at changing positions in front of a camera.

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What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

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Sherlock and Watson go camping

One night, Sherlock and Watson go camping. They do the usual things like build a campfire, drink, and roast marshmallows before they call it a night and go to sleep. Later that night, Sherlock wakes up and nudges Watson awake. He turns to Watson and asks if he sees the stars. Watson says yes and Sherlock asks him what he thinks that means. Watson says the usual things like how there's millions of stars out there and the clear sky means good weather for tomorrow. Sherlock looks at him and says "I think it means some bastard stole our tent!"

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Afraid your kid might be a commie?

Well if he paints one of his bedroom walls red with some yellow stars or a hammer and sickle, that's a huge red flag.

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The "Old Man" from Pawn Stars died yesterday

Rick wasn't sure he was dead so he called in an expert. Turns out he was dead.

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Camping.

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- "Look up to the sky and tell me what you see."
Son- "I see millions of stars."
Father- "And what does that tell you?"
Son- "Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets."
Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"

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Shout out to male porn stars...

Those guys are always hard at work

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Why did God create the moon and stars on the eighth day?

After spending a day with Eve, Adam begged God for some space

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Can I press indecent exposure charges against stars?

Because today the sun mooned me.

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My girlfriend refused to make a porno with me..

saying there are enough vine stars already

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One night, the stars had rearranged in the sky

to say "Hello!" The people of Earth were in awe and could not believe their eyes. They all collaborated by turning some lights off and keeping some on. When arranged it said "Welcome. We come in peace" The next night the stars began rearranging again. When finished, they read "Go fuck yourselves earthlings, that wasn't for you"

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Last night I laid in bed looking up to the stars

And I thought to myself, "where the hell is the ceiling?"

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What do identical stars do?

Twin-kle

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Say what you want about porn stars...

but they work hard, right up until the moment they get off.

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I just got my best score on Sitar Hero 3!

I got five stars on "Curry On My Wayward Son"

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The World's Greatest Detective.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.

"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.

"And what does that tell you?"

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you, Holmes?"

Holmes paused. "What I see, Watson, is that someone has stolen our tent!"

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What do truck drivers and porn stars have in common?

They both get paid by the load.

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Sherlock and Watson go camping...

Sherlock and Watson go camping one night. They light the campfire, eat a meal, drink some champagne, and go to the tent to sleep.

Later that night, Sherlock wakes Watson up.

"Watson, look up at the sky." he says. "What do you see?"

"I see lots and lots of stars" he replies.

"And what does that tell you?" Sherlock asks.

"Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe. Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Sherlock?"

"No Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen the damn tent!"

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The following is a tourist's review of Tatooine:

"I was way too hot, two stars."

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I googled the world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars",
Holmes asked: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson: " Well if there are millions of stars and even few of those contain planets, it's quite likely there are many planets like Earth out there, it's even possible that there is other forms of life out there"
Holmes replied: " Watson, you Idiot, it means someone stole our tent!"

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What is the most successful hotel?

Auschwitz, 6 million stars.

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What are the best Stars puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Stars? Well, here are the best jokes about Stars to have fun with.

Joko Jokes