Staring Jokes

147 staring jokes and hilarious staring puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about staring that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Explore the wild world of staring contest jokes with this article. Read about the classic staredowns between a dog and a human, see why the bulge can be a powerful tool, and learn why it's beneficial to gaze deeply into someone's eyes. Discover the fun and creative ways to turn a staring match into a laugh-out-loud interaction.

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Short Staring Jokes
Staring One Liners
Dog Staring Jokes
Staring Contest Jokes
More Staring Jokes

Funniest Staring Short Jokes

Short staring jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The staring humour may include short stares jokes also.

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back. And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
My crush just sneezed and I accidentally replied "bless you !" Now she's staring at the bush, wondering who said that.
I accidentally said Gazuntite after my crush sneezed. Now she's staring at the bushes wondering who said that.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you is an owl?
ME: Who?
*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*
Yo mama so dumb that she spent 5 hours staring at a glass of orange juice because it said 'concentrate' on the package.
While I was out shopping today I tipped in the store a woman saw this and wouldn't stop staring so I smiled at her and said "sorry, it's been a while since I possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'
My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last He said, "Staring contest... GO."

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Staring One Liners

Which staring one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with staring? I can suggest the ones about gazing and gaze.

I can cut wood by staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it I saw it with my own eyes
My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers So I just stared at him until he apologized.
Don't stare at a glass of water Take a pitcher it'll last longer
I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed I desperately need to see kelp
I had a staring contest with the sun I think I won, all I see is darkness now.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long? The can't handle stares.
A group of homosexuals were staring at me earlier. But I've got no problems with gaze.
What do you call a hen staring at a bowl of shredded lettuce? Chicken sees a salad
What do you call two men staring lovingly at each other ? Gaze
I cut down a tree by just staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
I was staring at the stars wondering where the sun was and then it dawned on me
I can't go in public without people staring at my body Now I just leave her at home
I have the attention span of a gold fish It's been staring at me for several minutes now.
What can help strengthen eyes? Stare-oids

Dog Staring Jokes

Here is a list of funny dog staring jokes and even better dog staring puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Never stare at a dog with a prosthetic foot... ...it's a faux paw.
Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
My dog just sit there staring at me. It's my biggest pet peeve.

Staring Contest Jokes

Here is a list of funny staring contest jokes and even better staring contest puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I was in a long staring contest with the sun. Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.
Whenever my Dad and I disagree, we settle it with a staring contest. Then we see eye to eye.
I had a staring contest with the sun and I won! The sun must've blinked since there doesn't seem to be any light anymore!
Remember the two friends who got the world record for longest staring contest? Yeah? Well turns out they aren't seeing eye to eye anymore.
No one competes against Tom in staring contests anymore. He's a cheat... ...he uses stareoids.
In America, we hold staring contests. In Asia, they squint.
People competing in a staring contest... ..could lose it in the blink of an eye.
I've been reading up a lot on staring contest strategies. It's really opened my eyes.
I'm hosting a staring contest next week. If you're interested keep your eyes open.
Chuck Norris had a staring contest with a picture.
And Won.

Cheerful Fun Staring Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about staring you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean winking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make staring pranks.

The Silent f**...

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent f**.... What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

Cool Customers

Two drunks are sitting at the bar staring into their drinks. 'hey cobber, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?'
'Yes, I've been married to one for 15 years'.

The muslim

**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**
Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half n**... women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.
Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down
Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet

A guy was at a bar

A guy was at the bar, staring into his beer. Thinking how could you do it. How could you sleep with one of your patients. He kept telling himself it doesn't matter. He finally told himself it doesn't matter your still the best vet in town.

My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.

A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."

A young couple is out carousing one evening...(could be repost)

While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you t**... clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to s**.... When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm n**...."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.
When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her c**... and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Northeast Weather

I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just staring. He said, if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

How can you tell if a Finnish guy likes you?

He's staring at your shoes instead of his own.

Two blondes in NY are sitting on a balcony at night

Two blondes are sitting on a balcony at night staring at the stars and moon. One of them asks the other, "what do you think is further, the moon or Florida?" The other responds, "hello?!?! Can you see Florida from here?!?!"

The Portrait

A bartender notices a man sitting at the bar looking at a photograph while taking a drink from time to time. The bartender then goes away for a bit. He comes back and notices the man is still doing this. The bartender asks "Why have you been staring at the photograph this long." "Well," said the man, "It is my wife and when she starts to look better then it is time to go home."

it's raining and my gf has been staring at the window for about an hour..

i should probably let her in.

A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

A Day in the Library

A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

A n**... lady ran into Akpos' taxi

A n**... lady ran into Akpos' taxi. She told the driver where she was going.
Akpos didn't start the car but he was just staring at the woman over and over again.
The lady looked at him and said, what's your problem, man? Haven't you seen a n**... lady before? Akpos replied, I am not looking at your nakedness, I was just wondering where you kept the money you are going to pay me.

A man is staring into his whiskey

The barkeep asks if something's the matter.
"3 of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today icecream sandwich ruined my phone."
"IT sounds rough" he adds sympathetically.
"IT?" the customer says, " I work at Baskin Robbins."

My coworker was eating an ice cream cone on her lunch break when she caught me staring at her

"Hey what's up?" she said
"Oh nothing.. It's just that I want to ask for something but I'm afraid you'll misunderstand me." I replied
"Haha don't worry, I won't." She said reassuringly
"I wanna lick it." I said
She quickly extends the ice cream cone to me, to which I said:
"I knew you'd misunderstand."

I just made this one up so cut me some slack...

A man and his wife are at the beach and she catches him staring at a beautiful woman. Predictably she gets mad at him.
Man: Honey, you know I only have eyes for you!
Wife: Then why are you ogling that woman over there?
Man: My dear, I assure you it doesn't mean anything. It is purely for educational purposes.
Wife: What do you mean?
Man: I've always wanted to study a broad!
(I'm sorry)

On a bench, in the park, two lovers

are kissing passionately. At some point another man sits down next to them and starts staring at the woman.
Eventually, her partner gets fed up by the staring and tells the other man:
- I haven't seen such insolence in my whole life!
- I'm sorry, I did not mean to disturb you, but I need to ask my wife to give me keys to the house.

A man sees a blonde girl staring intently at a ice cube in her hand

The man asks the girl why she's staring at the ice cube and she responds, "I'm trying to figure out where it's leaking from."

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....

Psychology vs Law

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames

and the whole office is staring at rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

A man and his wife are in an art museum and come across....

A portrait of a beautiful woman covered only in leaves. Wife goes to move on to the next exhibit and husband is still there staring at the portrait she asks what are you waiting for?
Husband says... Fall

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..

A guy is in a waiting room and has to f**..., so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"

Grandma keeps staring longingly through the window since it started snowing...

...Maybe It's time to let her back inside.

A blonde was lying in the grass...

One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.
"Getting a tan?" he asks.
"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now I'm getting a head start on my homework!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. What class is it for?"
"Astronomy!"

Little Johnny is playing near a river with his friend...

They see a n**... woman and stand there staring. All of a sudden, Little Johnny runs away. His friend later catches up with him and asks him why he ran away. Little Johnny replies "My mom said if I ever stared at a n**... woman I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard down there

Memorial Day...respectful joke. A small boy was staring at the names on the wall of an old church

when the pastor noticed him.
"What are you looking at?" asked the clergyman.
"All those names. Who are they?" the boy asked.
The pastor nodded, and said, "They are the reason we have Memorial Day. They are those who died in the service."
The little boy considered that, then asked quietly, "The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

A student staring off in class...

The teacher said to the student "starring off into space never got anyone far in life." The student quipped "That's what they told Galileo."

What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass?

Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!

A nudist woman walks into a bar

And tells the bartender "one beer please"
The bartender just looks at her from head to toes. "What? Haven't you ever seen a n**... woman?" --
"Oh yeah many times"--
"Well, why do you keep staring at me then?"--
"I'm just wondering where you keep your money to pay for the beer"

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

Blondes..

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.
She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife...

She asks him what he's looking for.
He replies, "oh just the expiration date!"

I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".

I desperately needed to pass gas!

and I was in the restaurant .......... when I suddenly realized The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A n**... lady ran into a taxi.

She told the driver where she was going. The man didn't start the car but he was just staring at the girl over & over again.The lady saw him and said:"What's ur problem man? Haven't u seen a n**... lady before?"The man replied: "l am not looking at ur nakedness, I was just wondering where you have kept the money you are going to pay me!

A total n... woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a n... woman?"

The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

Tried cracking a joke about deaf people, but I guess it wasn't funny

They just kept staring at me.

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking

Are you my tinder date?

Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

Once upon a time in a bar far far away....

The "Pessimist" saw cups half EMPTY
The "Optimist" saw the cups half FULL
*The woman slapped them both for staring !*

My friend hated crows so much that he wanted to kill them. One time, I caught him staring intensely at a group of crows...

You could see the m**... in his eyes.

From my 9 year old niece... What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?

Chicken sees a salad.

Customer: I'll have a martini, dry

Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

Bless you

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said" Bless you"
Now she is just staring at the bushes, confused wondering who said that?

My wife's high school reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

Reality Check

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
Do you know her? the wife asks.
Yes, the husband says. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My goodness! the wife says. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

f**... to the beat.

Once, I was at a restaurant and I wanted to f**... so bad, that I couldn't even move.
Fortunately, the restaurant had really loud music so I thought I'd f**... to the beats so that nobody would notice. After several moments, I noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I had been wearing headphones the whole time.

You don't actually wash your hands...

They wash each other while you just stand there staring like a creep.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

I'm really worried about my wife and this weather

Ever since it started snowing, she's seemed really depressed. We've had strong, cold winds blowing lately, and freezing rain forming layers of ice over the snow. All she does is stand frozen at the window, staring, and I think she might be depressed.
If this keeps up I might need to let her inside.

Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

A priest was invited to attend a house party

.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Once upon a time a boy asked a girl in a library

Do you mind if I sit next to you the girl shouts I don't want to spend the night with you everyone starts staring at him the boy feeling embarrassed sits at another table. A minute later the walks up to him and says I study psychology you must feel embarrassed the boys shouts $300 dollars is to much for one night everyone starts starring the girl then the boy whispers I am a lawyer I know how to make someone guilty.

I was caught staring at a cute girl's b**...

harassment a lot to me.

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"*Your* problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."

What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?

A chicken sees her salad

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."

Timed Gas

Timed Gas
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to the music on my Samsung phone with an ear-piece.

Me: *staring at Medusa's b**...*

Medusa: "Hey buddy, my eyes are up here."
Me: *already rock hard*

Earlier I was beaten up by a woman.

I was on an elevator and she entered. She has big b**... and I was staring at them when she said "Can you please press one".
So I did.

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.
Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...
Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.
Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, Do you know her?

Yes, sighs the husband. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My God! says the wife. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

First Night in Prison

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said.......
You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......
I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......
You touch me and I will kill you........
I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am
already married

My brother hasn't stopped staring through the window since the storm started

I suppose I should let him in