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Stared Jokes

80 stared jokes and hilarious stared puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stared that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Stared Short Jokes

Short stared jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stared humour may include short stares jokes also.

  1. Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." Mom: *Stares at Dad*
    Dad: *Clenches fist*
    Mom: "Don't!"
    Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
    Mom: "..."
    Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
  2. As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back. And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
  3. My crush just sneezed and I accidentally replied "bless you !" Now she's staring at the bush, wondering who said that.
  4. I accidentally said Gazuntite after my crush sneezed. Now she's staring at the bushes wondering who said that.
  5. Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
  6. BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you is an owl?
    ME: Who?
    *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*
  7. Yo mama so dumb that she spent 5 hours staring at a glass of orange juice because it said 'concentrate' on the package.
  8. While I was out shopping today I tipped in the store a woman saw this and wouldn't stop staring so I smiled at her and said "sorry, it's been a while since I possessed a body." She looked horrified.
  9. Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'
  10. My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last He said, "Staring contest... GO."

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Stared One Liners

Which stared one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stared? I can suggest the ones about glared and staring contest.

  1. I can cut wood by staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
  2. It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it I saw it with my own eyes
  3. My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers So I just stared at him until he apologized.
  4. Don't stare at a glass of water Take a pitcher it'll last longer
  5. I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed I desperately need to see kelp
  6. I had a staring contest with the sun I think I won, all I see is darkness now.
  7. Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long? The can't handle stares.
  8. A group of homosexuals were staring at me earlier. But I've got no problems with gaze.
  9. What do you call a hen staring at a bowl of shredded lettuce? Chicken sees a salad
  10. What do you call two men staring lovingly at each other ? Gaze
  11. I cut down a tree by just staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
  12. I was staring at the stars wondering where the sun was and then it dawned on me
  13. I can't go in public without people staring at my body Now I just leave her at home
  14. I have the attention span of a gold fish It's been staring at me for several minutes now.
  15. What can help strengthen eyes? Stare-oids

Stared joke, What can help strengthen eyes?

Laughter Stared Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about stared you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gaze jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stared pranks.

Dirty old man

An old man was sitting on a bench when a teenager with a rainbow mohawk walked by. The old man stared at him. Seeing him star, the teenager said "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replied "Many years ago, I got drunk at a wild party and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering whether you were my son."

I got into a fight with my wife and she told me I should try seeing things from her perspective for a change.

so I went into the kitchen and stared out the window while I did some dishes.

George and Mildred

It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"
George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"

An old man was sitting on a bench ...

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair coloured green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared. The young man said: " What's the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied: " Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. "

When my dad was a doctor going through residency...

...he had this particularly notable patient.
He was asking her the usual questions:
Do you smoke? Nope.
Drink? On occasion.
Any drugs? No
All typical answers, until he got to his last question.
Are you s**... active? She stared at him for a moment before replying: "Well I don't just lay there..."

A customer's corn broke through her bag. I told her it was too husky.

She stared at me blankly. Something must've been wrong with her ears.

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"

I thought my dog looked a little cross-eyed...

I took my dog to the vet, as I noticed his eyes were strangely crossed. When I got to the office, I told the vet the problem with my dog. He picked up my dog and stared into his eyes for a while. Then he spoke up "I'm going to have to put your dog down." he said. "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" I exclaimed. "No." the vet said "Because he's heavy!"

So a staircase said something to me the other day...

Actually I lied, it just stared at me.

Spanish Dad Joke

A mexican father and son were at the mall and the son finally convinced his dad to try Chinese food.
"But it's so dry!" said the father.
"No it's not, they put lots of stuff on their plates," replied the son.
"Like what?" the father asked.
"Soy Sauce" he answered.
The father stared for a minute and then said, "Hola Sauce... *soy Dad*"

Little Johnny is playing near a river with his friend...

They see a n**... woman and stand there staring. All of a sudden, Little Johnny runs away. His friend later catches up with him and asks him why he ran away. Little Johnny replies "My mom said if I ever stared at a n**... woman I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard down there

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

As I stared at my grandpa on his deathbed not knowing what to say, he turned to me and mumbled "take my picture...

it'll last longer."

I take the bus to school

So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.

This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud c**.... I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.
I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. Following the rope, I see an inmate. A rather small inmate. As a matter of fact, the man was a dwarf.
I stared at him in awe. As he made his way down the rope towards freedom, he notice me observing him. He gave me the stink eye. I thought to myself:
Wow, that's a little condescending.

Mommy, why is daddy bald?

"Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"
The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked
"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

A mom asked her son, "Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?"

He stared and replied, "My name's Paul."

A total n**... woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a n**... woman?"

The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

Trump stared at the eclipse yesterday, but he'll be okay...

He has plenty of practice feeling his way around.

My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

I stared into her eyes and she stared right back into mine, and then we started to cry

But then I blinked and lost

My friend proposed to his girlfriend

She is Chinese. So he learned to ask her in Mandarin. When she answered, he stared at her blankly.
He forgot to learn the words "yes" & "no".

My boss says I intimidate my coworkers

I just stared at him until he said he was sorry.

Did you hear about the gay amnesiac who stared in pornographic films?

He never knew he had it in him

Putin's top official comes to him after the election...

"You won with 99% of the vote! Only 1% if Russia voted against you! What more could you want?" The officer said overjoyed.
Putin stared at him. "Their names."

What's one thing that women hate more than being stared at?

When you stare at the woman standing next to them.
That's my original for the year!

A guy enters in a bar...

A angry guy enters in a bar with an assault rifle in his hands. When they saw him, every customers went silent in fear. The angry guy screamed : " where is the guy that slept with me wife?!? " Every customer stared at each other, then started laughing. "What's so funny?", asked the one holding the gun. A customer at the back of the back then yelled : "No chances you have enough ammo in there! "

Daughter: What does g**... mean?

Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating g**...'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh

The school hired me as a photographer

So I was hired to photograph a school event and when I walked up to the doors these security guys stared me down and asked what I was doing
I started to reach for my camera and said I was the school shooter
And the d**... jumped on me and cuffed me!

My wife said. are you even listening to me? She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought that's an odd way to start a conversation

Huh?

I sorted by top of all time and copied and pasted the best joke here

I was just about to hit submit and a tow truck came along and hitched onto the back of my car. I jumped out and screamed, *Why are you towing my car?* The tow driver just stared back at me with this dead look in his eye, not saying a thing. *At least tell me where you're bringing my car*, I begged. The driver slowly turned to me and and said: Repo St.

My 3 year old daughter asked

My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does p**... come from?
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?
Yes , she replied.
Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as p**....
She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?

A little boy asked his grandad where p**... came from

The grandad was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. The little boy looked a little perplexed and stared at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before asking "And Tigger?"

Today while FaceTiming , my crush stared at me for an hour so I stared back at him .

Turns out his internet connection was very slow and asked me if I had the same problem too .

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, You're shirtless and also covered in… oil?! I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"
She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

As I handed him my passport, the immigration officer stared at me with cold, dead eyes and mumbled, "I might not always agree with you, but..."

"I can see where you are coming from."

My son asked me "Where does p**... come from?"

I was a little uncomfortable, but I sat him down and gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds, and asked "And Tigger?"

A mathematician stared at a number line

It started at one and then skipped every second number. He thought to himself "This is odd."

I *almost* got that...

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, Why are you standing n**... in the kitchen and also covered in… olive oil?!
I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."
"...I never glisten!"
She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

After The Flood...

After the flood, satisfied his work was done, Noah was inspecting the Ark one last time when he came across a pair of snakes.
"Why are you still here?" he asked in surprise. "It's safe now. Go forth! And multiply!"
The snakes stared at him in confusion.
"But....we're adders."

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.

He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I s**... a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son!"

a couple was walking in the woods when his bf pulled his girl in a secluded grassy area.

the bf then hurriedly stared taking off his pants.
then the girl ask, "do i start taking off my clothes too?"
the bf then replied.
"why? do you also need to take a s**...?"

A computer science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike.

His buddy said sweet bike, where'd ya get it?
You'll never believe this, he said, I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_
His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said smart. Her clothes would have never fit you.

First trip to the USA

My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.
My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws.
"What are you doing??" I asked incredulously.
""Exercising my freedom. Now I'm here, I have the right to Bear arms!"

Daughter: What does g**... mean?

**Daughter:** What does g**... mean?
**Me:** Well, you know - mum and dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way.
**Her:** So what's '*penetrating g**...'*?
**Me:** Er... Read me the whole sentence.
**Her:** *"She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."*
**Me:** Oh!

An old man set out on his first trip to the mall

At the food court he was people watching and noticed a young man dressed in wild clothes with a multi-color mohawk.
The young man notices the old man staring so he walks over and rudely asks him if he has a problem.
The old man stared at him a moment longer and said, "Not really, just thinking about a time around 20 years ago when I got really drunk and s**... a peacock, I was just wondering if you might be my son".

"Dad, what does g**...' mean?"

Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.
Daughter: So what is 'penetrating g**...'?
Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."
Me: Oh.

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

I desperately needed a massive s**... on the train today but the toilet was out of order.

So, I just held it for 20 minutes.
The woman opposite me stared at me in disgust and said, "is that s**... in your hand?"

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

I made this joke today and everyone stared at me

Friend: I just watched Euphoria.
Me: Did you also watch Eu-three-ia, You-too-ia and You-won-ia?

My electricians a great guy. I told him I was worried about my set for my upcoming standup gig and couldn't figure out what material to use.

He just stared me in the eyes and said, "it's all about the crowds energy, joule know watt to use"

A Crow wanted me to donate to his charity.

When I asked him what it was called he screams: "CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!"
Not knowing what he meant I stared him down until he explains that it's "four good caws".

It was getting cold out so my husband asked me for his hooded sweatshirt with the least amount of holes in it.

I brought it down to him saying, "here ya go. The evilest sweatshirt you have." He stared at me blankly. I said, "It's the least holey (holy) hoodie you own. So it has to be the most evil, right?"
**This is a real situation that just happened. He's an ironworker, so all of his work clothes have holes in them. He just facepalmed so hard when I made that joke I had to share. Sorry.

My son asked me, "Where does p**... come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds then said...

"And Tigger?"

a man was in court, as he was accused of cannibalism…

The Jury was bought by the accusers claims and was ready for the session to be over, however due to formalities the judge was obligated to allow the dfendant one last shot.
His lawyer, realizing the terrible situation, stared at the judge with an intent look and said, If you are what you eat, my client is in fact an innocent man

Life saving

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff? " the frustrated student blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives? "The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school. "

I said to my little boy 'What's the difference between Mummy and Jesus?'

He stared at me blankly.
'Jesus loves you.'
I'm joking. I don't have kids.
(An original… plagiarise at your peril)

The other day, I ran out of apple juice

But I had a big box full of apples at home, so I thought I would try to make some myself.
I stared at that box for over an hour and nothing happened. Then I looked at the empty juice bottle again, and on the label it said "not from concentrate."
Boy did I feel foolish

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...

...and it looked away.

Judge

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isn't it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
The prosecutor again blared, Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.
Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.

Why did the Doctor tell a patient "Laughter is the best medicine"?

"Doc, I don't get it. What are you trying to tell me? I need actual medicine-"
"-This is how much the bill would be if I actually treated you."
The patient stared at the paper, then quietly chuckled, followed by hysterical sobs.

Helpful friend

Two retired elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear.
He said "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?"
He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Stared joke, Helpful friend